Is it normal to have literally no friends or family

[wanab]

I've been alone most of my adult life and want to break the pattern of being alone all the time, but can't seem to get a break and was hoping for ideas.

One thing I want to know is, is it normal to have literally no one at all in your life. This isn't by choice, I enjoy my alone time however 24 hours a day of nothing is not easy. I've moved around a lot out of boredom and will be moving soon again, this time I really want to try and build some relationships even if it just 1 day or something. 

The main problem is about being trusted. Major mistake I've made is admitting to being alone - that is a red flag. But also people have a general habit of getting aggressive or having expectations of me that are not reasonable for someone who has spent their life alone, so I don't know what to do about that. I don't have money, house & car, so that puts people off. Then there's my lack of focus. Having no one means that any kind of real goal or point to anything is pretty much meaningless, there's no one to be there for, no one to rely on or whatever, nothing to be strong for. So again how do you overcome that?- or do you just make stuff up.

PLEASE do not say to run out and join groups, get busy volunteering etc. this has never worked and damaged my confidence. Meeting random strangers is difficult even with connections and you run into some pretty nasty people too. 

[glows]

It sounds like you have a very peaceful life actually. Try having some humour about it and meet new people anyway. Not everyone is aggressive. I'm getting the feeling that you feel people are usually not kind to you or are rude to you in general. Not sure why that's the case.

[wanab]

[ ] 

4 hours ago, glows said:

It sounds like you have a very peaceful life actually. Try having some humour about it and meet new people anyway. Not everyone is aggressive. I'm getting the feeling that you feel people are usually not kind to you or are rude to you in general. Not sure why that's the case.

It is peaceful, very quiet. I've had to make the best of it. I think people get ruthless with you when you aren't particularly successful/popular, that kind of thing. 

Edited June 11, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[glows]

4 minutes ago, wanab said:

Ah right. No, I just meant people tend to like it if you own property, vehicles, jewellery. You're not taken very seriously otherwise. I'm not an indigent. 

It is peaceful, very quiet. I've had to make the best of it. I think people get ruthless with you when you aren't particularly successful/popular, that kind of thing. 

That's terrible. I'm sorry if you ever experienced that. I don't know about ruthless but I know people can be snobby. I'd mix around nicer people, not those kinds.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, wanab said:

I just meant people tend to like it if you own property, vehicles, jewellery. You're not taken very seriously otherwise

The most important thing is being happy with your profession and investing in yourself, not showy stuff such as jewelry. Why do you keep moving around? 

[wanab]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The most important thing is being happy with your profession and investing in yourself, not showy stuff such as jewelry. Why do you keep moving around? 

Obviously you can't build a profession or invest in yourself meaningfully without connections or relationships. No I'm not happy with that reality or much else. Please don't say to be happy with yourself first or that people aren't interested in status symbols, this is serious to me. 

My habit of moving is motivated by necessity and loneliness. I'm moving again because there's no one to meet or much to do here. The second people notice you're alone, you have to watch your back harder. I am tired of that.

[glows]

7 hours ago, wanab said:

Then there's my lack of focus. Having no one means that any kind of real goal or point to anything is pretty much meaningless, there's no one to be there for, no one to rely on or whatever, nothing to be strong for. So again how do you overcome that?- or do you just make stuff up.

You may be keeping a lot of your details vague because you don’t want to post everything on a forum which I understand. What does stand out to me is not lack of money, house or car which you had mentioned (although I know it’s important to you). It’s this part above that describes lack of focus. 

I don’t agree that “having no one” means a real goal or point to anything is meaningless. Leaning on anyone too heavily or making them a point to live is dangerous as it suggests a person is placing all the importance of living on someone else. Find that meaning on your own. It’s a circular argument to feel helpless and attribute that helplessness to feeling meaningless. Have you seen anyone for depression, feeling isolated, loneliness, despair, paranoia? Who is out to get you? Where is the thought that you have to watch your back coming from? Did you mix with a bad crowd or become involved in any illegal activity in the past?

And don’t take this the wrong way, please. We are anonymous members here who don’t know who you are, volunteering responses to anyone who has questions. 

 

[basil67]

It's very difficult to make friends as an adult and loneliness is a big issue these days.   Can I ask what country you live in?  And what type of community environment are you seeking to live in?  The planning of a city or town can make a huge difference to how connected it's residents are.

For example, it's easier to meet people if you're in a dwelling with neighbours who you can chat with when you see them outside.  I got involved with a residents action group and met so many lovely new people in my community.  While I wouldn't call any of them close friends, it's hard to walk up the street without saying Hi and passing the time of day.   Another thing to look for is a high street with small business.  Getting to know the staff and having a chat is nice...and you'll also run into previously mentioned neighbours who are shopping or getting coffee.   If your new job has a social scene, get involved.   

I really don't know what''s up with being judged for not owning car, dwelling or jewellery.   In my view, those who would judge you for this are snobs who are not worth getting to know anyway.   It's my view that if you can get around without needing others to pick you up, then ownership of a car is of no matter.   And honestly, how would they know that you don't have a car until they get to know you better?  If you've got access to good public transport, a bicycle or a car share scheme, you don't need a car.  Likewise, how would they know you're renting your home unless you tell them?  And even if you do tell them, many people rent their homes and still have good friendship groups.  I can't think of any friend who wears significant jewellery.  Heck, a lot of us get excited about finding a great thing at a charity store or flea markets.  

I agree that telling people you barely know that you're alone could send a wrong message - it all depends on the wording.  If you're not already doing so, perhaps putting a positive slant such as "I'm new here and wanting to meet people".  

Lastly, can I ask what you mean by this?  "But also people have a general habit of getting aggressive or having expectations of me that are not reasonable for someone who has spent their life alone"  Can you give some examples?

Edited June 12, 2022 by basil67

[basil67]

1 hour ago, wanab said:

The second people notice you're alone, you have to watch your back harder. I am tired of that.

What has happened in the past to make you say this?

[wanab]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I don’t agree that “having no one” means a real goal or point to anything is meaningless. Leaning on anyone too heavily or making them a point to live is dangerous as it suggests a person is placing all the importance of living on someone else. Find that meaning on your own. It’s a circular argument to feel helpless and attribute that helplessness to feeling meaningless. Have you seen anyone for depression, feeling isolated, loneliness, despair, paranoia? Who is out to get you? Where is the thought that you have to watch your back coming from? Did you mix with a bad crowd or become involved in any illegal activity in the past?

And don’t take this the wrong way, please. We are anonymous members here who don’t know who you are, volunteering responses to anyone who has questions. 

Thank you glows. I understand you are simply volunteering and taking the time to answer. It's ok, nothing you've said is offensive.

No I've never had anyone to lean on but is it unnatural to want that or to be leaned on sometimes. I have always survived by myself and used to find it meaningful. No therapy or meds ever worked and predators like an easy target. 

Sometimes isolating myself has been my way of coping, sometimes it's backfired. One time I moved outside for a city for work. It seemed like something independent to do. The firm announced layoffs and I was completely screwed in the middle of nowhere. Doing it all alone was a big stupid mistake.

[mario_C]

It's unfortunately more common than you think. I have no friends at all, and very little family due to lots of drama and infighting.

Usually I enjoy the solitude and privacy, but sometimes I just want someone to talk to. (Online doesn't count.) Also, loneliness is terrible for your health, physically as well as mentally.

You say people are mean to you when you don't have friends. Well...they're mean anyway. Look at the shinola being flung at anyone who expresses themselves on social media.

Some people suck. But when you really sit down and think about it? Mean people are not everywhere. They're not even that common. They're just loud, aggressive, and demand all the attention for themselves. And they're very good at making you feel like you're the problem. But is it?

[vla1120]

11 hours ago, wanab said:

The main problem is about being trusted. Major mistake I've made is admitting to being alone - that is a red flag. But also people have a general habit of getting aggressive or having expectations of me that are not reasonable for someone who has spent their life alone, so I don't know what to do about that. I don't have money, house & car, so that puts people off. Then there's my lack of focus. Having no one means that any kind of real goal or point to anything is pretty much meaningless, there's no one to be there for, no one to rely on or whatever, nothing to be strong for. So again how do you overcome that?- or do you just make stuff up.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you say "The main problem is about being trusted." Are you saying people don't trust you because you are alone, or you don't trust other people? Concerning the bolded comments above, I think everyone - regardless of relationship, family or friend status, can have goals in life. Giving yourself something to work toward takes the edge off the loneliness. The goals do not have to be major. It could be something as simple as learning how to play golf, or hiking all the hiking trails within a 100 mile radius of where you live - or something else that interests you. My nephew set a goal about 10 years ago to attend a game at each and every major league baseball stadium in  the United States and Canada. He's about 2 stadiums away from completing his goal. I'm pretty impressed that he's done this - and he's done it alone. 

Also, what do you mean people get aggressive or have unrealistic expectations of you? I just want to understand your situation better. It has taken me many years, but I am finally at a point in my life where I do not care what anyone else thinks of me. I live for me, now, and negativity and toxicity no longer fit in my life (which is why I am alone, and happy be stay that way.)

Edited June 12, 2022 by vla1120

[SingFish]

11 hours ago, wanab said:

I enjoy my alone time however 24 hours a day of nothing is not easy.

What about getting a dog? It's really nice having a little companion who is always pleased to see you!

[wanab]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's very difficult to make friends as an adult and loneliness is a big issue these days.   Can I ask what country you live in?  And what type of community environment are you seeking to live in?  The planning of a city or town can make a huge difference to how connected it's residents are.

Lastly, can I ask what you mean by this?  "But also people have a general habit of getting aggressive or having expectations of me that are not reasonable for someone who has spent their life alone"  Can you give some examples?

I don't want to say too much about my country or town. The housing market has made things difficult for a long time. It would be ideal to live in a large city, however that is very expensive these days. 

About people getting aggressive - it's embarrassing to not be able to afford much or go anywhere. That's not anyone else's fault, but people or companies won't treat you very seriously as unless you have prestige, especially as a stranger. Then there are those who'll try to advantage if they see someone alone. That locks me out of building any kind of relationship.

[wanab]

12 hours ago, vla1120 said:

I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you say "The main problem is about being trusted." Are you saying people don't trust you because you are alone, or you don't trust other people? Concerning the bolded comments above, I think everyone - regardless of relationship, family or friend status, can have goals in life. Giving yourself something to work toward takes the edge off the loneliness. The goals do not have to be major. It could be something as simple as learning how to play golf, or hiking all the hiking trails within a 100 mile radius of where you live - or something else that interests you.

Do you think I've never set myself goals. They don't take the edge off anymore. I'm not looking to find meaning in life or an excuse to rely on someone, I am simply completely sick of having no opportunity to talk to all day long. Let alone how hard it is in the competitive job market. You simply need connections sometimes, and people won't trust you if you're alone. I am already hiking by myself and there's nothing impressive about it. Anyone nice runs away and the nasty people REALLY go for you if they spot you. If anything this may have been my fault for caring too little what other people thought and not working harder on being attractive or fitting in better somehow. Caring what other people think is possibly what I need to start doing much more. I am not going through another 10 years of completely solitary living with no one to call on christmas or my birthday. That hurts me physically thinking about how many I've already lost 

11 hours ago, SingFish said:

What about getting a dog? It's really nice having a little companion who is always pleased to see you!

Thought about it, but I'll never be able to afford my own house or a property which accepts pets. Not even fish! 

[Weezy1973]

On 6/11/2022 at 9:22 AM, wanab said:

I don't have money, house & car, so that puts people off. Then there's my lack of focus. Having no one means that any kind of real goal or point to anything is pretty much meaningless, there's no one to be there for, no one to rely on or whatever, nothing to be strong for. So again how do you overcome that?- or do you just make stuff up.

Yes, people don't really want projects for new friends. You're thinking of things backwards. You need to get your life in order first, and then get a social network after. There are many social supports for folks to find jobs, which is probably your first step. Get a job that can support yourself and leaves some left over to save. A car is fine, but if you live in a major(ish) city, most public transit options are good are much more cost effective than owning a car. Obviously taking care of yourself mentally, and physically are very important even if emotionally you're going through a tough time. You don't have to "make stuff up", but you almost definitely will have to do things you don't really feel like doing for awhile. And that's the hardest thing for most people.

Edited June 12, 2022 by Weezy1973

[wanab]

On 6/13/2022 at 4:31 AM, Weezy1973 said:

You need to get your life in order first, and then get a social network after. There are many social supports for folks to find jobs, which is probably your first step. Get a job that can support yourself and leaves some left over to save.

Why does everyone assume I'm unemployed.?? In the next three months I need another job and apartment in order to meet my existing goals because they lie in a different town. I'm already burned out from overworking, then I have to research a whole new area, move again, study on the side, continue maintenance and exercise, then I've got to work on myself even more and "get my life in order" to justify having a single friend? [ ] joining the mafia is easier than this 

Edited June 13, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[SingFish]

1 hour ago, wanab said:

Why does everyone assume I'm unemployed.?? In the next three months I need another job and apartment in order to meet my existing goals because they lie in a different town. I'm already burned out from overworking, then I have to research a whole new area, move again, study on the side, continue maintenance and exercise, then I've got to work on myself even more and "get my life in order" to justify having a single friend?  Get a grip.. joining the mafia is easier than this 

Life is very tough financially these days. But there are loads of people 'in the same boat' struggling. I made some of my friends over the years during times like this, where we supported each other. 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, wanab said:

Why does everyone assume I'm unemployed.??

I didn't say you were unemployed. You said you don't have money, and I suggested finding a job that supports you and leaves some extra to start saving. That way you'll have money.

 

3 hours ago, wanab said:

In the next three months I need another job and apartment in order to meet my existing goals because they lie in a different town. I'm already burned out from overworking, then I have to research a whole new area, move again, study on the side, continue maintenance and exercise, then I've got to work on myself even more and "get my life in order" to justify having a single friend?

What about this scenario you describe do you think would draw someone in to be your friend? You sound really busy, burnt out, and about to move in short order. Who does that appeal to? Again get your life in order, so you don't have to keep moving. Staying in the same place and keeping the same job for a long time (years) gives you a stable foundation to start building connections. With your life the way it is, chances are very slim. You're going to have to change what you're doing if you want things to change.

[wanab]

On 6/14/2022 at 6:27 AM, Weezy1973 said:

What about this scenario you describe do you think would draw someone in to be your friend? You sound really busy, burnt out, and about to move in short order. Who does that appeal to? Again get your life in order, so you don't have to keep moving. Staying in the same place and keeping the same job for a long time (years) gives you a stable foundation to start building connections. With your life the way it is, chances are very slim. You're going to have to change what you're doing if you want things to change.

[ ]  I have no family and no friends. I come home to an empty apartment every day after work. There's nowhere to go or set roots, forward or backward. Everywhere people have settled down. Summer's here and everyone is out with their children and dogs. There are hardly any social groups or activities in this town, it was just convenient to make money here during COVID-19 so now it's back to square one somewhere else. 

[ ] My life's already in order as much as you can reasonably expect. After spending several years in some locations, nobody accepted me because I wasn't born there or had family links. [ ] 

Edited June 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[SingFish]

Sorry you are lonely @wanab

I am a bit too today. 

[Alpacalia]

It is regrettable that we live in a society in which friends (and family) very often take the pole position, and especially friends are often more regarded than spouses, and this is, in your words (more or less), something worth mourning.

Even with no family or friends around you, you are certainly a survivor, and you are undoubtedly someone who can add a lot to those who come into contact with you.

A pithy response from me will not ameliorate low self-esteem, and if it's affecting your ability to interact with others, professional help is needed. That hasn't worked, you said. How long have you tried it for?

If someone is meeting you for the first time, then there's no reason for them to need to know your entire life story at first and with honesty, it's none of their business about your life story.

It is important to remember, however, that to make friends, you must also be willing to display your vulnerabilities at times.

Making friends is like dating: it's not easy. And you also have to be ready to make mistakes, to kiss some frogs, and to be vulnerable in the process. The concept of going outside of your domestic life to search for buddies is not one that should be shamed, as there is nothing to lose but everything to gain.

Taking up yoga or martial arts will help you focus if you lack the ability to concentrate.

If there are financial constraints, watch YouTube videos. But the more out and about you are interacting with others, the better. Maybe it won't guarantee meeting and making a new friend but it will alleviate feelings of isolation. Put an end to your isolation. If you enjoy being alone, however, there is absolutely nothing wrong with living a solitary life.

In other words, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain from reaching out for that one of the most precious things in life, someone who understands you.

So don't let your erroneous sense of shame keep you from seeking that person. As much as I would wish you good luck, what you really need is determination and resolve to change your circumstances, both of which I would consider you to possess, along with so much more.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Alpacalia

[SingFish]

I think I need some of that advice @Alpacalia My life is very solitary right now. Covid is having another little surge so the plans I made to go out places are back on hold.

Several of my favorite eating places before Covid are gone, I guess I'll find some more. Lots of staff have moved jobs too, daily familiar faces. 

On 6/11/2022 at 11:22 AM, wanab said:

Having no one means that any kind of real goal or point to anything is pretty much meaningless, there's no one to be there for, no one to rely on or whatever, nothing to be strong for. So again how do you overcome that?- or do you just make stuff up.

I do set goals just for me, like fitness or study. Sometimes I make stuff up to do, like oh I'll make this dish or watch a movie or plant something. Two of my college courses have math and computer components, I am terrible with that so will probably need a tutor or study group for that, maybe there's one at the library or on Zoom. 

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, SingFish said:

I think I need some of that advice @Alpacalia My life is very solitary right now. Covid is having another little surge so the plans I made to go out places are back on hold.

Several of my favorite eating places before Covid are gone, I guess I'll find some more. Lots of staff have moved jobs too, daily familiar faces. 

I do set goals just for me, like fitness or study. Sometimes I make stuff up to do, like oh I'll make this dish or watch a movie or plant something. Two of my college courses have math and computer components, I am terrible with that so will probably need a tutor or study group for that, maybe there's one at the library or on Zoom. 

Well, I have a lot of past help. Plus, I like to read and research a lot. 

I'm glad it brought you comfort. 

I find comfort in it too, having had my share of challenges.

While I worked in Arizona, I didn't connect with anyone. I felt so alone. I hated it.

I also struggle with Math. My father has a Masters in it (guess I missed the gene🙂). 

Yes, a tutor or study group is a great help. You should go for it!

OP, I noticed you said you are studying right now. Anything exciting? Is it going well?

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

You're not going to like this, but here goes:

You have the life you've created for yourself.  If you want it to be different, you are going to have to make some changes.  So far, in this thread, you are pretty defensive and evidently offended by suggestions that you look for ways to enact some meaningful changes in your life and maybe in your self.  

For sure, your resistance to doing anything social is (surprise) going to stand precisely in the way of you making friends or even getting to interact with other people.  

Also you seem to have a bit of a victim mindset going on.  That is also a big blockade against other humans.

What are your areas of interest?  I'm not suggesting you join a bunch of groups, but taking one class or joining a group focussed on what you enjoy that may meet one day a week for a couple of hours is a good idea.  

I hope you find your way to a life that includes others.  Best of luck.