Is it normal to have literally no friends or family

[wanab]

On 6/15/2022 at 6:27 AM, NuevoYorko said:

You're not going to like this, but here goes:

You have the life you've created for yourself.

You're right - that isn't very likable. It was not my choice for everyone else to die, leave, cut me out of their lives. I worked hard to prevent that, and had multiple breakdowns when everyone moved on. I have attended dozens of classes and groups, people did not want to know me because I did not have existing connections. I'm forced to teach myself everything and don't feel proud of that. 

The best way to meet people here is by having status, such as a decent job. Without anyone to vouch for you, you cannot enter a profession in this country. So a career is off the table. You also generally need business connections to survive, which means changing your job and area regularly. And you have to be prepared to soak up the damage when a disaster happens which happen a lot if you're alone. I had no idea how important it was to have a network in the adult world, without one you are screwed.

If it's been a really bad day, I'll comfort myself by saying this is all my own fault, which leaves the possibility things are under my control, but it doesn't work much now. It hurts so bad to not have my own choices but I refuse to live in a delusion. And I wish someone knew what I was talking about. It's not like I think you're ignorant or rude but I wish you understood what it means to be in this situation, I wish anyone did rather than say something like "You created this all yourself" after I worked SO HARD to prevent this.

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, wanab said:

The best way to meet people here is by having status, such as a decent job. Without anyone to vouch for you, you cannot enter a profession in this country. So a career is off the table. You also generally need business connections to survive, which means changing your job and area regularly. And you have to be prepared to soak up the damage when a disaster happens which happen a lot if you're alone. I had no idea how important it was to have a network in the adult world, without one you are screwed.

It's hard to comment when I don't know what culture you're referring to, but my experience is that the job we have makes no difference to making friends.  My newest friend is someone I met because we'd chat while she worked the checkout at my grocery store.  One day she asked for my advice on something, and we traded contact details and now we are friends.  In contrast to what you've said about others, I'm aware that she doesn't have many around her (no fault of her own) so that makes me more conscious of checking in.  Do you ever take time to speak to those who don't have a "decent" job?   Would you be their friend if you met them socially? 

Obviously, to start a profession you need the right qualifications, but even a customer service job manager can vouch for you (punctual, good at problem solving, good with customers, shows initiative etc).   In my experience, changing jobs and areas regularly would prevent solid business connections being made and prohibit friendships from forming.  These things take time to form.  I also recently made friends through a local craft group...but it didn't happen overnight. You've got to stick around, be patient and get involved when people need help or have an event.  Then you become part of the group and get invited for all kinds of things. 

I'm confused about the disasters which happen when you're alone and why you'd need business connections to survive.  What kind of disasters are you talking about and what kind of survival?

Please don't interpret my response as me being obtuse.  I'm just describing how it is in the Western world that I'm familiar with....and that I can't relate to what you say about your own culture.  Can you move to a country which is less reliant on connections?

[SingFish]

2 hours ago, wanab said:

The best way to meet people here is by having status, such as a decent job. Without anyone to vouch for you, you cannot enter a profession in this country.

That must be annoying. 

What other routes might there be to a profession? You have internet so you could look into an affordable California accredited global online university- University of the People. For instance. 

Another thing is volunteering- most of my references when I've needed them involved contributing to someone's charitable project in exchange for knowledge, experience and a reference. 

You don't need many friends, just one or two connections which are people who understand each other.

2 hours ago, wanab said:

I'm forced to teach myself everything and don't feel proud of that. 

Well you should be. Some of the greatest people on earth are self-taught.

2 hours ago, wanab said:

I worked hard to prevent that, and had multiple breakdowns when everyone moved on.

Well don't give up. 'Always darkest before the dawn...'

🌄

[NuevoYorko]

If you wish that people knew what you are talking about, all you have to do is tell us.  It's an anonymous forum.

You're functioning under some false assumptions.  You do not need business connections, status, etc. to have friends and / or social connections.  Where I live and work,  there is a huge homeless community.  The people within it are friends.  Not suggesting that this is a positive situation.  It is not. 

I do not believe "it's all your fault." Of course people dying is out of your control.  So are many other things that happen in our lives.  You have made  choices that will leave a person on their own.  You wrote that you were not open to suggestions of going to groups or volunteering.  That is a personal choice.  If you participate in a group or volunteer activity, you WILL be socially engaged with other people during that time, and thus, will not be alone.

Moving around often is also a personal choice.  

When we are adults, we ARE in charge of much of what happens to us.  Pure victimhood is extremely rare, unless you are literally incarcerated or unable to do any type of self-care.  

Experiencing disasters when isolated would be terribly difficult.  I'm sorry you've been going though this and hope that things start looking up for you.  

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry that you are feeling lonely and isolated - unfortunately, this is an all too common feeling for many people in today’s world. We have never been more socially “connected” (via technology), but we have never been more lonely. 

That said, I agree with Nuevo Yorko, you are most definitely operating under some false assumptions and this is likely to have a negative impact on any attempt you make to build relationships.  If you want things to change, you will have to challenge some of your beliefs and allow yourself to be more open, flexible, and vulnerable. I wish you well. 

Edited June 17, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

my experience is that the job we have makes no difference to making friends.

I agree basil. Most of my friends fall into one of two groups - people I’ve known since high school/university or people I met through work/coworkers. Many of these people knew me BEFORE I had a job/profession. And, of the people I have met at work, we obviously have “work” in common. One of my closet friends, I met while travelling in Europe. She lives on the other side of the world! 

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

In my experience, changing jobs and areas regularly would prevent solid business connections being made and prohibit friendships from forming.  These things take time to form. 

Agree. Many of my friends who have moved away find it takes a long time for them to form connections and develop close friendships with others. Moving often is an interesting experience and creates many opportunities. I think it may also be a real barrier to forming and keeping relationships.  

[Lisa]

This thread has been closed.  Wanab has been offered many thoughtful pieces of advice, however it appears our advice is missing the mark.  Thank you all for your participation