Umbrella of coercion/violation?

[Jessicajones84]

Hi all, I just wanted to see what people think about this.. My (now ex) partner was engaging in multiple online relationships, including sexting, sending nudes etc., during our relationship. It seemed he was actually in another relationship with one of the women, but online. I left when I found out and would never go back, but I can't reduce the anxiety symptoms I'm experiencing. I did suspect something but was constantly gaslighted. I participated in sexual acts, I wouldn't have done outside of a committed monogamous  relationship, which I was CONSTANTLY assured I was in. It's such a grey area. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and it does take me a long time to trust someone - he knew about this, and how it was a big step for me. I just feel absolutely awful, and can't seem to get over it. I wake up in sweats, and have flashbacks to having sex with him, which leaves me feeling panicky and sick. He knew what he was doing. Obviously, cheating is not a chargeable offence, but there just seems something really gross about this. My consent was given with the trust of a committed relationship. It seems related to some kind of kick around the power dynamic. I'd really appreciate any thoughts - thank you :)

[Will am I]

You found out your partner was structurally cheating on you. This leaves you feeling angry, hurt, violated and also retroactively feeling insecure about your relationship.

I think this is totally normal and understandable. 

But in your case your experience goes deeper. You speak of a past as an abuse victim, and the current discovery inducing anxiety symptoms and flashbacks of the sex you had which you retroactively perceive as sexual assault because the safety you need was broken.

I think you should speak to a psychologist. Because of your specific past, this is a traumatic experience and should be treated as such.

[BaileyB]

If you haven’t had any counselling yet, it would’ve the single best decision you could make. 

I’m very sorry this has happened to you. 

[stillafool]

I too, along with many people both men and women, have been cheated on while thinking we were in a commited relationship.  As a matter a fact one of them was my first husband who took vows not to cheat on me in front of 350 people on our wedding day, but that didn't stop him.  Yes it's gross but that doesn't mean that all men cheat.  I'm now remarried for 20 years to a husband who hasn't cheated.  You can't let one bad apple spoil the bunch.  There are still faithful men out there.  It would help you to go through therapy to heal from your past hurt.