Stuck!

[Nirvanababe923]

Hang with me this might be a little long and I’m sorry.

I met my now on and off again boyfriend in college back in 2006. He lives about 2 1/2 hours away from me. When we met everything was spectacular and great and I told him that I wanted to wait to have sex until I knew it was the right time and I found the right one. He knew I had sex before but just wanted to wait this time after all I went through in relationships in high school.

About one or two months into dating he broke up with me because he said that he cannot live his life like that and wait for me to give him sex. I was heartbroken and frustrated because I felt that every guy wanted sex and he knew I had gotten out of a relationship in high school that it all revolves around sex.

I was frustrated and angry and sad and a few days later I was at a party and it was the room right next to his room and I sparked up a relationship with another guy and continue to hang out with him for I can’t even remember how long. I did have sex with this guy too btw. 

eventually time went on and my ex and I actually did hook up and more hooking up with each other our sophomore year. But he kept me a secret but would also be controlling of me. He would get really angry at me when he was drunk. He one time threw me into a wall or I should say shoved me into a wall.

That is one example and I feel like he had to let out his resentment towards me. I know that is not an excuse for this but I feel like he is he was so angry with me about everything that happened freshman year when we dated and when we broke up.

years past after college and since 2008 when we graduated we have seen each other about ten times. Most recently was about a week ago I went to visit him. He is still holding everything against me. I showed him journal entries that I had written about him and I and about the abuse he put me through in sophomore year.

He said sorry for all of that but that was about it. He also told me that he still wears my cheerleading sweatpants. I am not sure if it is because they are comfortable or he misses me. But we had a great week and together and it felt like we went back all the way to when we dated freshman year.

Since January we have hung out for like one weekend a month. Every single time he ALWAYS asks me, late at night after a night of drinking, “what are you’re thoughts on us?” He asks this every single time we see each other. So I tell him my thoughts and how I want to be with him. He agrees but is confused.

This last time around we decided that we would take a path to see where things go and slowly try. When I get back home (again I live 2 hours from him) We agree on the next date to see each other and I said, maybe next time we should go on an actual date.

he changes his tune like always after I visit him and says “well I think you are thinking we are taking things to real dating and I don’t recall saying anything like that?” AHHHH it’s so confusing!!!! He ended the convo with “I am making him confused lol” ughhh it sucks because we have such a great time together and mesh sooo well.

What the heck is going on with him???! Like what is going through his mind?

He wants me then doesn’t, he wants to try then doesn’t.   It sucks because he is holding that one thing over my head from almost 16 years ago and it has been very frustrating for me.

He said he has had his guard up with me since then. I don’t know what to do because I know deep down he loves me and I love him. Where do I go from this?

Edited June 12, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, Nirvanababe923 said:

What the heck is going on with him???! Like what is going through his mind?

He wants to have sex or otherwise hook up when it's convenient for him, but he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. 

20 hours ago, Nirvanababe923 said:

It sucks because he is holding that one thing over my head from almost 16 years ago

He's just using it as an excuse to not commit to you.

20 hours ago, Nirvanababe923 said:

Where do I go from this?

Move on. Seriously. 16 years and you two still cannot make it work? It's never going to work. And he doesn't want it to. He just wants to have his fun with you, but nothing more. I am surprised you haven't already figured this out, and that you're still wasting your time on him. 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Nirvanababe923 said:

He would get really angry at me when he was drunk. He one time threw me into a wall or I should say shoved me into a wall. I showed him journal entries that I had written about him and I and about the abuse he put me through in sophomore year.

Someone who physically and mentally abuses you shouldn't be in your life. It's best to date local respectful men.

[glows]

21 hours ago, Nirvanababe923 said:

Hang with me this might be a little long and I’m sorry.

I met my now on and off again boyfriend in college back in 2006. He lives about 2 1/2 hours away from me. When we met everything was spectacular and great and I told him that I wanted to wait to have sex until I knew it was the right time and I found the right one. He knew I had sex before but just wanted to wait this time after all I went through in relationships in high school.

About one or two months into dating he broke up with me because he said that he cannot live his life like that and wait for me to give him sex. I was heartbroken and frustrated because I felt that every guy wanted sex and he knew I had gotten out of a relationship in high school that it all revolves around sex.

I was frustrated and angry and sad and a few days later I was at a party and it was the room right next to his room and I sparked up a relationship with another guy and continue to hang out with him for I can’t even remember how long. I did have sex with this guy too btw. 

eventually time went on and my ex and I actually did hook up and more hooking up with each other our sophomore year. But he kept me a secret but would also be controlling of me. He would get really angry at me when he was drunk. He one time threw me into a wall or I should say shoved me into a wall.

That is one example and I feel like he had to let out his resentment towards me. I know that is not an excuse for this but I feel like he is he was so angry with me about everything that happened freshman year when we dated and when we broke up.

years past after college and since 2008 when we graduated we have seen each other about ten times. Most recently was about a week ago I went to visit him. He is still holding everything against me. I showed him journal entries that I had written about him and I and about the abuse he put me through in sophomore year.

He said sorry for all of that but that was about it. He also told me that he still wears my cheerleading sweatpants. I am not sure if it is because they are comfortable or he misses me. But we had a great week and together and it felt like we went back all the way to when we dated freshman year.

Since January we have hung out for like one weekend a month. Every single time he ALWAYS asks me, late at night after a night of drinking, “what are you’re thoughts on us?” He asks this every single time we see each other. So I tell him my thoughts and how I want to be with him. He agrees but is confused.

This last time around we decided that we would take a path to see where things go and slowly try. When I get back home (again I live 2 hours from him) We agree on the next date to see each other and I said, maybe next time we should go on an actual date.

he changes his tune like always after I visit him and says “well I think you are thinking we are taking things to real dating and I don’t recall saying anything like that?” AHHHH it’s so confusing!!!! He ended the convo with “I am making him confused lol” ughhh it sucks because we have such a great time together and mesh sooo well.

What the heck is going on with him???! Like what is going through his mind?

He wants me then doesn’t, he wants to try then doesn’t.   It sucks because he is holding that one thing over my head from almost 16 years ago and it has been very frustrating for me.

He said he has had his guard up with me since then. I don’t know what to do because I know deep down he loves me and I love him. Where do I go from this?

Love doesn't look like this. This guy just wants you when it's convenient for him. When you start getting attached to the idea of being with him he tells you not to. I'd take the time to think about why you feel drawn to him. He mistreats you and pushes you around and you keep going back for more. I think your self-esteem is in the gutter and you're feeling hurt and low from the way he treats you. This is not love, hon. 

Date another man who treats you well without all this garbage inbetween.

[flitzanu]

he's physically abusive, and just using you for sex.

[Nirvanababe923]

Thanks everyone for the input. This sounds crazy silly, but I think a lot of me in the past 16 years or so have been guilt feeling (for not giving him sex because I wanted to wait, then he broke up with me, then I had a mentality that all men were the same, blah blah, I don’t think that now by the way of course regarding men!)…but I think to myself, well I did that one thing, and yes it may have not been the best solution, but what he did to me by him controlling me the sophomore year and everything that entailed, that to me was much worse, and he seems to feel no remorse other than the fact that HE still feels to this day, betrayed by me. I think my hump I need to get over is to stop thinking guilt, guilt and guilt. It’s hard in the sense that for me, I hate when people hold a grudge on me or are upset with me in any way.

[stillafool]

He will use you for sex because he feels he's entitled to do that.  Basically he lost all respect for you when you had sex with that at the party while making him go without for so long.  It's doubtful he's going to make you his girl again.  You need to stay away from him otherwise you're goiing to get really hurt and waste your time.   Him wearing your cheerleading pants should be a turn off.

[S2B]

Stop allowing him to waste any more of your time.

he isn’t a good match/fit.

eliminate him completely from contacting you. He doesn’t hold you as a priority! Stop wasting energy on him.

if needed, get counseling to help you get unstuck! There shouldn’t be any reason to be giving him a second thought 16 years later.

 

[glows]

17 hours ago, Nirvanababe923 said:

Thanks everyone for the input. This sounds crazy silly, but I think a lot of me in the past 16 years or so have been guilt feeling (for not giving him sex because I wanted to wait, then he broke up with me, then I had a mentality that all men were the same, blah blah, I don’t think that now by the way of course regarding men!)…but I think to myself, well I did that one thing, and yes it may have not been the best solution, but what he did to me by him controlling me the sophomore year and everything that entailed, that to me was much worse, and he seems to feel no remorse other than the fact that HE still feels to this day, betrayed by me. I think my hump I need to get over is to stop thinking guilt, guilt and guilt. It’s hard in the sense that for me, I hate when people hold a grudge on me or are upset with me in any way.

No. Not all men are the same in the same way not all women are the same. It’s good you realized that. He’s an abusive drunk. I suggest you seek support for victims or those having chosen abusive drunks as partners. His grudges are his own. He can own that like the grown adult he is and also seek the support he needs but you both don’t belong together. Leave him for good and stop being his punching bag. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/16/2022 at 5:30 AM, Nirvanababe923 said:

HE still feels to this day, betrayed by me.

I actually don't believe he does. He's using it as an excuse to get what he wants (and get out of what he doesn't want, which is a relationship with you) 

On 6/16/2022 at 5:30 AM, Nirvanababe923 said:

I need to get over is to stop thinking guilt, guilt and guilt.

As you can see, his manipulation works like a charm. 

I don't think he cares about what happened 16 years ago. I don't believe he is hurt by that. He just knows that making you feel guilty works, and it also gives him a convenient excuse not to date you. You have to stop falling for this game. It's completely transparent.