Woman trying to parent my teenage daughter?

[Gaeta]

My teen daughter has started dating a classmate.  The young guy is cool (17 yo), he came home several times, and I'm happy with his behavior and the way he treats my daughter. I met his parents a couple of times and by all means they look like good people and good parents.

I'm starting to have an issue with the boyfriend's mother though. 

It's like she wants to 'mother' my kiddo and that drives me up the wall. Example: We ordered online a crinoline for her prom dress. We ordered a X-small but got an XL instead. There is no time to order a new one, so our best option is I will tailor it, I have 35 years experience in sewing it's my life long hobby. A couple of days later  kiddo tells me her boyfriend's mom called her seamstress and got an appointment to tailor her crinoline! WHAT! ? Claire told her it was nice of her but I can fix it.

Stories like these are accumulating. When Claire visits there she can never come back when she's scheduled to come back, the boyfriend's mother keeps on inviting her to stay over, go shop with them, go eat in restaurant with them. She even took my daughter shop with them to pick boyfriend's tuxedo for the Prom. At that time I told my daughter this is their family outing, the mother or parents should take their son shop for a tuxedo and girlfriends have no business there, I would not drag a boyfriend along to shop for my daughter's Prom dress, this would be our moment. I lost that battle, they took her along. 

Tonight is graduation night. Kiddo gave me a call to confirm a couple of things and at the same time she tells me her boyfriend's mom has been texting her, telling her to have a beautiful day, a beautiful graduation blahblahblah.......I went : She text you?? You 2 have a text relationship??

Is it just me or this is too much? 

Almost forgot, there was an issue once, Claire wanted to go downtown late at night and I said NO. Her boyfriend said about me....*she's not your mother* 

So I think that's part of the issue here. They don't see me as her parent/mother and boyfriend's mom is thinking there is a 'void' to fill in that department. All this is getting on my nerves.

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

They don't see me as her parent/mother and boyfriend's mom is thinking there is a 'void' to fill in that department. All this is getting on my nerves.

Why would they think this?  

You are absolutely correct that your daughter's bf's mother is crossing boundaries she shouldn't.  I'm surprise he didn't tell his Mom "no" when she wanted your daughter to go tuxedo shopping for the prom and hiring a seamstress for the crindolin.  What?  She should have asked you first or assume you will take care of your daughter's needs.  If it keeps happening Gaeta I would set her straight.

[Alpacalia]

She seems more eager to befriend your daughter than to parent her.

Now is the time to nip it in the bud or else she will keep steamrolling you down.

[SingFish]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Is it just me or this is too much? 

It's a big irritation for you, but if your daughter's happy and safe go with the flow. You'll be the one there for her if the relationship fades. 

[Weezy1973]

@Gaeta Has your daughter been complaining about this? In my opinion kids can't have too many adults that care about them. Nothing you've mentioned has really been what I would consider "over the line".

[Alpacalia]

On the surface, I would agree that the boyfriend's mother is simply being thoughtful, but on the topic of the prom, well, that's a big deal for mothers. Mothers with daughters are in a special position and I'm sure you really wanted to be the one to help her with her dress for her prom.

Edited June 13, 2022 by Alpacalia

[SingFish]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm sure you really wanted to be the one to help her with her dress for her prom.

Which is nothing in the grand scheme of parenting situations. 

[introverted1]

My daughter dated a boy whose mom was like this.  Started out nicely enough but ended up devolving  The final straw was a night when the other mom kept my daughter out well past her curfew and refused to bring her home, in spite of my daughter's repeated requests, because it was "no big deal" to break curfew since my daughter was with another adult.  My daughter was upset and distanced herself from the other mom after that. 

16 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Claire wanted to go downtown late at night and I said NO. Her boyfriend said about me....*she's not your mother* 

I think it might be a good idea to talk to Claire about this. Just because you did not give birth to Claire, you have in fact been her mother for 5 years now (forgive me if I don't remember the dates correctly).  How does Claire feel about what her bf said?

 

[Gaeta]

17 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@Gaeta Has your daughter been complaining about this?

She thinks his mom goes a bit overboard and is over-excited  that her son has a gf, his first gf. Last week she told her bf it was getting a bit too much and she needed her time alone to recharge her batteries. This isn't the mom first experience with her children having their first gf/bf, she has 2 older children. 

 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

I think it might be a good idea to talk to Claire about this. Just because you did not give birth to Claire, you have in fact been her mother for 5 years now (forgive me if I don't remember the dates correctly).  How does Claire feel about what her bf said?

She told him to not say that, I feel like a mother to her and she won't disobey me, she told him I was right & it was too late to head downtown.

On a couple of occasions she met the rest of his family, so when came time to go to our usual family brunch I told Claire to invite him. He asked if Claire older sister would be there she said no and he replied that he was not interested in coming to the brunch. I got a bit pissed and told Claire to pass the message that my family and I are her family and we will be in her life for the rest of time so he better wrap his mind around that.....I doubt she repeated my exact words. lol.

 

[introverted1]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She told him to not say that, I feel like a mother to her and she won't disobey me, she told him I was right & it was too late to head downtown.

On a couple of occasions she met the rest of his family, so when came time to go to our usual family brunch I told Claire to invite him. He asked if Claire older sister would be there she said no and he replied that he was not interested in coming to the brunch. I got a bit pissed and told Claire to pass the message that my family and I are her family and we will be in her life for the rest of time so he better wrap his mind around that.....I doubt she repeated my exact words. lol.

 

Hmmm.  Sounds like bf may be sharing information with his mom that is inaccurate...  or at least skewed.  Maybe mom isn't hearing the full story.

[ShyViolet]

22 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Example: We ordered online a crinoline for her prom dress. We ordered a X-small but got an XL instead. There is no time to order a new one, so our best option is I will tailor it, I have 35 years experience in sewing it's my life long hobby. A couple of days later  kiddo tells me her boyfriend's mom called her seamstress and got an appointment to tailor her crinoline! WHAT! ? Claire told her it was nice of her but I can fix it.

I think you're overreacting a bit.  Why does this bother you so much?  There's a simple solution to this scenario: Claire says to her "thanks for the offer, but my mom will be tailoring it."

Maybe this would be a good opportunity for you to talk to your daughter about being able to firmly say "no" to people and keep healthy boundaries.  If the boyfriend's mom is trying to get her to do something that she doesn't want to do, she needs to be able to firmly and unapologetically say "no thanks".  I certainly wasn't good at that when I was 17... it took me decades to really develop that skill.  

[glows]

My guess is that your daughter will be able to see through him and the meddlesome/overarching bf's mother in time. She's just excited to have someone to date and go to prom with. 

Don't get frustrated with your daughter. I agree with the above comment to keep showing your daughter how to enforce good boundaries. You can be her role model and do the same, calmly and firmly.

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

. He asked if Claire older sister would be there she said no and he replied that he was not interested in coming to the brunch.

Huh? What is that all about? 

14 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I think you're overreacting a bit.  Why does this bother you so much?  There's a simple solution to this scenario: Claire says to her "thanks for the offer, but my mom will be tailoring it."

Maybe this would be a good opportunity for you to talk to your daughter about being able to firmly say "no" to people and keep healthy boundaries.  If the boyfriend's mom is trying to get her to do something that she doesn't want to do, she needs to be able to firmly and unapologetically say "no thanks".  I certainly wasn't good at that when I was 17... it took me decades to really develop that skill.  

I know some people who are too pushy, who would never take no for an answer. Perhaps his mother is one of those people. Saying no takes a lot of skill but Claire is only 17. Way too young to know how to politely but firmly say "thanks but no thanks." Yes, talk to her about that, this is a great skill that is going to help her tremendously in her life. The sooner she learns how to use this skill, the better for her. I wasn't able to say no to people till I was around 33 or so. 

But I wonder what is the deal with her BF. What is he saying to his own mother about you I wonder? Maybe he paints a horrible picture for her about Claire's living conditions to the point she feels bad and tries to "mother" her. Can't believe he told her that you are not her real mother. Don't want to call him names since he is only 17 but why would he say such a thing?

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, Alvi said:

I know some people who are too pushy, who would never take no for an answer. Perhaps his mother is one of those people. Saying no takes a lot of skill but Claire is only 17. Way too young to know how to politely but firmly say "thanks but no thanks."

Here's what you do..... let Claire try to handle it herself first and speak up for herself.  Tell Claire to say no.  Coach her on how to put up boundaries with people.  If that doesn't work, if the mom gets pushy and refuses to take no for an answer, Claire is to tell her mom right away.  That would now be a situation for the mom to call BF's mom directly and let her know that it is NOT acceptable for her to be getting pushy and crossing boundaries with a minor who has tried to say no.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Alvi said:

Huh? What is that all about? 

The sister thing is....my adult daughter is Claire's half-sister. Boyfriend views her as Claire's <real> family. As for me and the rest of my family, my siblings, nieces & nephews, my parents, they are not Claire 'real family' so not interesting to meet. That's how I perceived it. 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Alvi said:

But I wonder what is the deal with her BF. What is he saying to his own mother about you I wonder? 

I've been wondering too. Last time I picked her up from there his mother was gardening so I joined her for a little chat. His mother was telling me how special it was for her son to have his first gf at 17. I said I remember well being that age, and I actually met Claire's dad at 17. I saw a question in her face and said: You who I am right? And she says <no?>. I told her I am Claire's father first wife. I am the mother of her big sister V. She had NO clue and she said she wondered why her son didn't mentioned that.

I don't know who's playing what. Last night was their graduation, all of her friends know who I am.

 

[AndyCapp99]

The boyfriend sounds like he has a bad attitude and is giving his mother half-stories about you and your family. 
 

But even if the mother didn’t know your connection to Claire, she has no right to override you because you’re “not Claire’s mother”. You’re her caretaker and responsible for her and what you say, goes. 
 

At 17 Claire would probably find it hard to say no to her boyfriend’s mother. Why put her in that position? You’d be within your rights to have a talk with the mother. 
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/13/2022 at 8:32 PM, Gaeta said:

She even took my daughter shop with them to pick boyfriend's tuxedo for the Prom. At that time I told my daughter this is their family outing, the mother or parents should take their son shop for a tuxedo and girlfriends have no business there,

I don't see the issue with this. If her boyfriend and his mom wanted her to come along, I think it's fine to join them. 

With most of what you describe, I see it as boyfriend's mom trying to be buddies with her son's girlfriend. I don't get the impression she is attempting to parent her nor that she thinks you are somehow not a good parent. 

 

[SingFish]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't get the impression she is attempting to parent her nor that she thinks you are somehow not a good parent. 

As a parent I have found many other parents' attitude 'superior'. It's unnecessarily competitive, and it can be just subtle snobbery. I ignore it. 

Don't get caught up in other people's viewpoints!

You're doing great @Gaeta 

[Gaeta]

It has slowed down a lot since I posted this. She has not gone there last weekend and all week. Yesterday he called and asked her to go with him to another friend's house who had a get-together, otherwise she was already in her pj's. Like in any relationship the newness has run its course I guess. 

[SingFish]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It has slowed down a lot since I posted this. She has not gone there last weekend and all week. Yesterday he called and asked her to go with him to another friend's house who had a get-together, otherwise she was already in her pj's. Like in any relationship the newness has run its course I guess. 

And you handled it like a mothering professional!

I would never have married my first husband if my father hadn't made such a fuss...

🏆