Weirdest break-up. do people really get back together?

[samurai_steph]

I (24 F) feel like I'm having the strangest break-up ever, with my (25 M) now ex-boyfriend.

At the end of April, my ex broke up with me, after almost 2 years together. I didn't want to break-up but I "agreed" to it and didn't give him a hard time. In retrospect, he had good reasons to do it. I was having a really difficult time due to my mental health (depression, anxious attachment style, general lack of self-esteem). I stopped going to therapy and had various episodes of jealousy and co-dependancy on the last few months, which ended up on him feeling stuck. He did what he could but, ultimately, he felt like he needed his space. I love him dearly but I knew we weren't being healthy.

When we were breaking up, he told me that he still loved me, that he didn't want to lose me but he needed to let go. He wanted to remain friends though. After a few days of considering this, I decided to agree to it because yes, I love him still, but also because I know he is a great guy and I want his friendship. Also decided I needed to pick myself up, started going to therapy weekly and started to work on my self-confidence and trust issues. I have been doing a lot and I'm honestly proud of my progress so far. It's only the beginning, but I'm doing as much as I can.

We kept texting practically every day, even though at a different pace than before. A couple of days ago, we decided to meet up for a casual outing as friends. When we met, we kissed. Then we had a catch-up and had fun like before. After a while, I had the need to address my part on the break-up and asked him if he thought that, one day, we could get back together. He told me very honestly that, at the moment, he doesn't see himself in a relationship at all as he needed to figure himself out. Asked me what I thought and I told him that I would like to have another try, but knew it wasn't the healthiest choice for me at the moment. We agreed to tell each other if we wanted to date someone else and agreed to see each other soon. At the end of our outing, we kissed again.

I feel like we need some time apart but we can make it together, after we overcome our personal situations. However, I am also very scared this is just a movie-like idea and I'm going to end up dissappointed. Do people really get back together?

[mark clemson]

Yes, they sometimes do. It's not overly common (I think) but certainly it does happen.

In particular, people who attempt this seem to often (not always) end up breaking up all over again, as the underlying incompatibilities were not fully addressed. 

For example, even if you were to address your emotional/mental health issues, there may be stuff on his side that drove this too, that hasn't even surfaced yet. So you could end up trying again, but some issues he has that he's never told you about (and in fact may himself only be dimly aware of) may drive a repeat.

The flip side of this is that, at its core, a relationship amounts to a mutual decision to stay together. So there are some couples who stay together "through thick and thin" and even in some cases where it would almost certainly be better if they didn't (so you may have seen e.g. the cliche couples who bicker and even scream at each other constantly and yet never decide to separate). However, in this case, the breakup bridge has already been crossed once, so presumably it could be crossed again.

This is not a reason not to try again - it might indeed work and even go swimmingly. But be aware that the odds are (IMO) not overly good.

[glows]

It doesn’t look good if you’re not committed to long term consistent treatment and support for your mental health issues. He is likely tainted or you broke his trust in the relationship. 

You already know staying friends with an ex, agreeing to meet up with a guy when he tells you he doesn’t want a relationship is trouble. He doesn’t want a relationship right now means he doesn’t want a relationship with you. He will be happy being in a relationship with another woman when she comes along. Sneaking kisses here and there and acting like you’re a couple is just going to hurt you in the long run and possibly create more issues for your mental health. These are horrible decisions all around. 

I hope you reconsider and start taking better care.