DoubleBlink Posted June 14, 2022 Share Posted June 14, 2022 (edited) My boyfriend and I are divorced. He has kids. Since the start of our relationship I’ve asked about scheduling constraints and obligations I should be aware of—When’s your weekend with the kids? What is the cutoff time for phone calls and/or text messages? I am very respectful of his family and relationship with his kids. We see each other every other weekend when he doesn’t have visitation, and we make time for goodnight phone calls. Given we’re both interested in taking things slowly, we established that we’re just dating. For the next three years, I have personal goals that I want to achieve before even talking about moving in together, let alone marriage. After 6 months together, he said, “I love you. I can’t imagine life without you.” He never really lived life since we started dating. He’s achieved a lot, but never had someone who supported him, was caring, and cheered him on to be his best self. Fast forward to 10 months together, we come back from a trip in Hawaii to celebrate his birthday. Everyday there was a mini birthday gift with one of his favorite things. The week we got back, I got ankle surgery, a planned surgery he knew about since we started dating. I had a post-surgery plan that didn’t include him having to take care of me (e.g. grocery shopped beforehand, purchased tools for mobility assistance, scheduled cleaning services, etc.). A week after going under the needle, I finally saw him for maybe 12 hours after . Ten days after that, I still hadn’t seen him. He called to say my surgery is too much to handle, he needs to spend more time at work to finish a major project, and our relationship pulled him away from his kids. Then asked me for a break for the summer. How do I even try to make sense of this? Edited June 14, 2022 by DoubleBlink Grammar Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 14, 2022 Share Posted June 14, 2022 9 minutes ago, DoubleBlink said: After 6 months together, he said, “I love you. I can’t imagine life without you.” He never really lived life since we started dating. He’s achieved a lot, but never had someone who supported him, was caring, and cheered him on to be his best self. This seems difficult to believe. He was married by his choice to a previous partner, his ex-wife, and she never supported him. It sounds like he’s either mixed up and mentally foggy or plain lying. My thoughts are he wanted to make you feel good and got swept up in this romance. I don’t buy the woe is me (no woman ever supported me) for one second. We are women. What we do is support. In regards to the summer break, he’s adjusting as a single dad and may need to be with his kids more during summer break. This also means that he wasn’t likely ready to date anyone and the short 10 months offered some clarity. I wouldn’t amount all of this to you and don’t feel like your surgery was to blame. It didn’t work out with his kids and other commitments. Also, no, I wouldn’t reconsider dating someone like that again. I don’t think one summer is all he needs if he’s willing to let you go and unable to balance life in general. It’s probably going to have to take him a lot longer than summer break to figure out where his head is at. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted June 14, 2022 Share Posted June 14, 2022 I don't know if this is relevant to your situation, but in my experience, you don't really know what someone is like and how they feel about you until you have experienced illness, major loss, or major misfortune. Some people tend to become scarce/disappear when those kinds of things happen. And some step up and support you without your asking them to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 14, 2022 Share Posted June 14, 2022 Maybe he realised he just could not handle another relationship, despite his feelings. It's when things get more demanding that people show their true nature. Why is he divorced? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted June 14, 2022 Share Posted June 14, 2022 6 hours ago, glows said: . This also means that he wasn’t likely ready to date anyone and the short 10 months offered some clarity. Can’t know for sure, but I suspect it’s this. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 14, 2022 Share Posted June 14, 2022 "Your surgery is too much to handle"? That is just bizarre, especially since he hasn't been tasked with having to take care of you after the surgery and you haven't even seen him much since the surgery. Sounds like an excuse. He wants a "break for the summer"? What, so he can have a fun summer without you and then come crawling back in the fall? It sounds like you need to give him a break for good. There's no such thing as "breaks"... you are either together or you are not. If he isn't into this relationship anymore then cut him loose for good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 15, 2022 Share Posted June 15, 2022 22 hours ago, ShyViolet said: "Your surgery is too much to handle"? That is just bizarre, especially since he hasn't been tasked with having to take care of you after the surgery and you haven't even seen him much since the surgery. Sounds like an excuse. Agreed. And I also would not agree to a break for the summer. You're either together or you're not. I think something else has changed for him and he doesn't want to be honest about what that is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DoubleBlink Posted June 15, 2022 Author Share Posted June 15, 2022 On 6/13/2022 at 11:48 PM, glows said: This seems difficult to believe. He was married by his choice to a previous partner, his ex-wife, and she never supported him. It sounds like he’s either mixed up and mentally foggy or plain lying. My thoughts are he wanted to make you feel good and got swept up in this romance. I don’t buy the woe is me (no woman ever supported me) for one second. We are women. What we do is support. In regards to the summer break, he’s adjusting as a single dad and may need to be with his kids more during summer break. This also means that he wasn’t likely ready to date anyone and the short 10 months offered some clarity. I wouldn’t amount all of this to you and don’t feel like your surgery was to blame. It didn’t work out with his kids and other commitments. Also, no, I wouldn’t reconsider dating someone like that again. I don’t think one summer is all he needs if he’s willing to let you go and unable to balance life in general. It’s probably going to have to take him a lot longer than summer break to figure out where his head is at. After a lot of reflection, I feel his behavior has nothing to do with me. We talked about his past relationships and current relationships (friends, family, and work). This is really an issue stemming from: anxiety, low self esteem, and projecting. All of which resulted in self sabotaging behavior. He would talk about his anxiety or low self esteem. I would always encourage seeking counseling and the benefits from a therapist. A therapist offers a safe environment for self expression without judgement… that includes receiving difficult feedback that may have gone over negatively if a loved one was to provide it. I even provided support for lifestyle changes he was unsure how to do: taking up hobbies and team sports, regular exercise, healthy sleeping habits, minimizing alcohol consumption, and healthy boundaries. This would be an entirely different situation if I had personal traits that were grossly not aligned with our shared core beliefs. Or if I committed some relationship cardinal sin. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 15, 2022 Share Posted June 15, 2022 1 hour ago, DoubleBlink said: After a lot of reflection, I feel his behavior has nothing to do with me. We talked about his past relationships and current relationships (friends, family, and work). This is really an issue stemming from: anxiety, low self esteem, and projecting. All of which resulted in self sabotaging behavior. He would talk about his anxiety or low self esteem. I would always encourage seeking counseling and the benefits from a therapist. A therapist offers a safe environment for self expression without judgement… that includes receiving difficult feedback that may have gone over negatively if a loved one was to provide it. I even provided support for lifestyle changes he was unsure how to do: taking up hobbies and team sports, regular exercise, healthy sleeping habits, minimizing alcohol consumption, and healthy boundaries. This would be an entirely different situation if I had personal traits that were grossly not aligned with our shared core beliefs. Or if I committed some relationship cardinal sin. You're making an awful lot of excuses for him and you are veering dangerously close to co-dependent thinking, where you think it's your place to try and solve his problems for him or be his therapist. You can't help someone else to solve their problems. These things are up to him, and him alone, to work on. Even if these really are the reasons he distanced himself from the relationship and told you that he wants a "break", it honestly doesn't change anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 15, 2022 Share Posted June 15, 2022 2 hours ago, DoubleBlink said: After a lot of reflection, I feel his behavior has nothing to do with me. We talked about his past relationships and current relationships (friends, family, and work). This is really an issue stemming from: anxiety, low self esteem, and projecting. All of which resulted in self sabotaging behavior. He would talk about his anxiety or low self esteem. I would always encourage seeking counseling and the benefits from a therapist. A therapist offers a safe environment for self expression without judgement… that includes receiving difficult feedback that may have gone over negatively if a loved one was to provide it. I even provided support for lifestyle changes he was unsure how to do: taking up hobbies and team sports, regular exercise, healthy sleeping habits, minimizing alcohol consumption, and healthy boundaries. This would be an entirely different situation if I had personal traits that were grossly not aligned with our shared core beliefs. Or if I committed some relationship cardinal sin. I'm sorry you were dealing with someone with anxiety/low self-esteem. In my experience, it's best to steer clear and focus on mingling with others who are more like you. I agree with you that it has nothing to do with you. Those are all his problems. It's one thing being a supportive partner and another taking on someone's major personal problems especially this early in dating. Thank your lucky stars it's not even one year you've been with him, cut your losses and count yourself older/wiser. You will know what to watch out for in future and just avoid. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 15, 2022 Share Posted June 15, 2022 2 hours ago, DoubleBlink said: He would talk about his anxiety or low self esteem. I would always encourage seeking counseling and the benefits from a therapist. A therapist offers a safe environment for self expression without judgement… that includes receiving difficult feedback that may have gone over negatively if a loved one was to provide it. I even provided support for lifestyle changes he was unsure how to do: taking up hobbies and team sports, regular exercise, healthy sleeping habits, minimizing alcohol consumption, and healthy boundaries. It seems more like you dodged a bullet. Don't put your life on hold for someone like this. Make a clean break. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 15, 2022 Share Posted June 15, 2022 Sorry to hear you are going through all of this. A couple of things I noticed. The first thing is that he's using your surgery is an excuse. That just a silly reason to want a break with someone and makes no sense. The second is that a break usually turns into a breakup. It's often a way to ease out of a relationship or soften the blow. It can even be used to keep you on the back burner while he tests out being single. Don't allow that. You're either together or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Annama Posted June 16, 2022 Share Posted June 16, 2022 (edited) I am sorry about your situation. Must be hard and confusing. I think he is a massive joker. Is he the only adult with children who is in a relationship? Perhaps he will wait for them to be 18? Come on! Besides, you were meeting every other weekend so not sure how you could possibly pull him away from anything except other possibilities? Did you pay for this trip to Hawaii as his bday treat? Is there any chance his ex wanted another go and he wants to use that break to see how things will unfold? I say...give him massive, permanent break and dont contact him at all. Arrogant beyond belief that he is not concerned you may meet someone else during summer. Edited June 16, 2022 by Annama Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 16, 2022 Share Posted June 16, 2022 On 6/15/2022 at 7:22 PM, DoubleBlink said: I even provided support for lifestyle changes he was unsure how to do: taking up hobbies and team sports, regular exercise, healthy sleeping habits, minimizing alcohol consumption, and healthy boundaries. Eh, be careful not to try assume the "fixer" role. A lot of people bend over backwards trying to prove their value as a supportive partner...for someone who just doesn't care that much. Link to post Share on other sites
Annama Posted June 16, 2022 Share Posted June 16, 2022 (edited) 14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Eh, be careful not to try assume the "fixer" role. A lot of people bend over backwards trying to prove their value as a supportive partner...for someone who just doesn't care that much. That is so true. I am guilty of the same in the past. We can support partners but being emotional crutches or treat them like a project does only disservice. Fast forward woman can feel " I have done so much for him" but he actually never asked for it and ends up with a woman who does 20 proc of what you have done for him. Edited June 16, 2022 by Annama Link to post Share on other sites
Author DoubleBlink Posted June 16, 2022 Author Share Posted June 16, 2022 3 minutes ago, Annama said: That is so true. I am guilty of the same in the past. We can support partners but being emotional crutches or treat them like a project does only disservice. Fast forward woman can feel " I have done so much for him" but he actually never asked for it and ends up with a woman who does 20 proc of what you have done for him. I don’t have resources for an energy suck. And that’s what this is. Cutting ties and moving on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Annama Posted June 16, 2022 Share Posted June 16, 2022 5 minutes ago, DoubleBlink said: I don’t have resources for an energy suck. And that’s what this is. Cutting ties and moving on. He will be back before you know it Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2022 Share Posted June 17, 2022 10 hours ago, DoubleBlink said: I don’t have resources for an energy suck. And that’s what this is. Cutting ties and moving on. Good for you. This man is not partner material for you. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 On 6/16/2022 at 2:40 PM, DoubleBlink said: I don’t have resources for an energy suck. And that’s what this is. Cutting ties and moving on. Good for you. Using your surgery for an excuse tells me that he can't communicate honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
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