Will I eventually feel excited about my engagement (I said yes to not hurt him)

[bumblebee07]

Hi this is my first time posting here and I need some help. No one knows how I'm feeling right now. Being proposed and engaged is supposedly a woman's dream and happiness right? If so then I don't understand why I feel like crying some days, as if I want to run away or something. Or is it just me being very nervous? I love him but at the same time feel weird about all this. 

I've just turned 22 years old last month and to be honest, still feel young and this engagement is something new to me. We've been together for 16 months now and he's 5 years older than me. On March 1st, he set up a surprise invitation I wasn't aware of. All of the sudden, our parents, a couple mutual friends, my best friend, other relatives and a few other people I don't even know were there. I was totally clueless as to what was going on, was it someone's birthday, what happened. Then he started delivering his speech. That's when I knew where it was dealing and for one second felt like screaming and running away from that reunion. Instead I froze and waited for him to finish. When it was over he asked me the question, I answered yes because well I love him and that's what a woman that's madly in love says (I do want kids one day but he caught me off guard and I didn't really anticipated all this) and part of me couldn't find it in my heart to hurt him nor ruin the moment. I just wouldn't say no to him. I didn't want to crush him and lose him. 

What I've done at this moment is postponed the wedding. Instead of Sept 10th, it'll be for Jan. This way, it'll save me some time. Even though part of me said yes to spare his feelings, do you think it's nervousness and I'll eventually feel excited about my engagement??

 

[stillafool]

 

8 minutes ago, bumblebee07 said:

Even though part of me said yes to spare his feelings, do you think it's nervousness and I'll eventually feel excited about my engagement??

No.  You're only 22 and probably not ready to get married even though you love him.  I was 22 when I married the first time and it was the biggest mistake.  I was too young and lots of life to live, places to go and people to meet before I settled down to marriage.  Needless to say it ended in divorce.  You fiance put you on the spot proposing in front of all your families and friends when he should have found out first if you even wanted to get married.  I think you will regret it if you marry at 22.

[bumblebee07]

Yes when he proposed in front of our family and friends, I felt trapped like a deer caught in the headlights. Within me I was thinking ''Oh noooo, why didn't you tell me, now I have no option but to accept it, I can't hurt you''.

Do you think it's ok if I can just remain engaged? I think I'll be ok with just being engaged for now and postpone the wedding for a much later date.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, bumblebee07 said:

do you think it's nervousness and I'll eventually feel excited about my engagement??

I don't think so, unfortunately. 

As @stillafoolpointed out, you're still very young and probably not at all ready for marriage yet. Had you and he even talked about it? 

What did he say when you told him you wanted to postpone the wedding? It appears to be you don't want to go through with this, which is fair. But you need to be honest with him if that's the case. 

[glows]

You may be in love with him but is he someone you want to marry? They're not always the same.

[bumblebee07]

The only single conversation we ever had a long while back is that one day we want to have kids, that's all. I didn't think he would do a surprise proposal. All my friends and family knew a week in advance that he was going to propose. Everyone knew but me.

I told him that I needed to finish college and save a bit more money; those are the reasons I gave him to postpone the wedding. It's valid reasons but I wasn't completely honest with him about my feelings about it overall.

[bumblebee07]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

You may be in love with him but is he someone you want to marry? They're not always the same.

I would eventually but I didn't expect it this soon. It feels like I was still processing this new change. I don't mind staying engaged for a longer period though. 

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, bumblebee07 said:

Yes when he proposed in front of our family and friends, I felt trapped like a deer caught in the headlights. Within me I was thinking ''Oh noooo, why didn't you tell me, now I have no option but to accept it, I can't hurt you''.

Do you think it's ok if I can just remain engaged? I think I'll be ok with just being engaged for now and postpone the wedding for a much later date.

Well staying engaged to him would make him feel that marriage is coming sometime in the future.  Is this the man you want to marry?  Probably not even though right now you love him, but let me tell you at 22 you have a lot more men to meet before you should settle.  So, I think the fair thing to do is give him back his ring so he can maybe get some money back  if you decide to not go through with it.

[glows]

1 minute ago, bumblebee07 said:

I would eventually but I didn't expect it this soon. It feels like I was still processing this new change. I don't mind staying engaged for a longer period though. 

I suggest thinking about it for a few days or weeks more carefully and if you feel that being engaged is pressure you don't need at this time then let him know that you'd like to build more on your relationship and put off on choosing a date. 

The issue is that you both already chose a date, heightening the pressure you feel. My engagement alone was two years long from when he proposed to when we married and when we got engaged I did not have a clue what exact date it would be. I knew it would be years because I wouldn't feel ok or ready before then. I can't imagine marrying someone the same year of an engagement or within a mere 12 months. And contrary to popular belief, I don't ascribe to the idea that it's a woman's dream or happiness to get married. It was the last thing I ever wanted for myself as a woman but agreed to it as it was one thing I'd never done before and thought I'd try. 22 is also very young. 

I'm curious what your parents think? 

[bumblebee07]

51 minutes ago, glows said:

I'm curious what your parents think? 

I would like to believe that maybe by Jan I might be ready by then, hopefully. My parents and others are happy for me. Like mentioned, everyone is excited but me. 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, bumblebee07 said:

I would like to believe that maybe by Jan I might be ready by then, hopefully. My parents and others are happy for me. Like mentioned, everyone is excited but me. 

As long as you have your own job and remain employed and advance in your career, you're not dependent on him from such a young age. Keep your own finances in order and don't give up your goals/dreams in other areas.

[ShyViolet]

Getting married when you feel pressured and don't feel ready would be a HUGE mistake.  Please don't do that!!  You need to be honest with him.... that you felt really pressured to say yes but deep down you are not ready to get married. 

I know he meant well, but honestly the way he proposed to you, gathering all these close family and friends and doing it in front of them, putting you on the spot, that sounds horrible and really insensitive to you, it's like you didn't have a choice and it placed immense pressure on you to say yes.  Please have the self-respect to stand up for yourself and not let yourself be forced into a marriage that you are not ready for. You need to be honest with him and just tell him you CANNOT go down this engagement route with him right now.  Maybe someday in the future.  You are SO young..  In my opinion, a 22 year old is nowhere near mature enough to be getting married.  That is way too young.

If you tell him you're not ready to get married and he RESPECTS that, then he's a good guy and he's showing that he cares about you.  If he just gets upset or continues putting on the pressure then he's not listening to your feelings at all, and that's not how someone treats someone they love.

Edited June 14, 2022 by ShyViolet

[ShyViolet]

14 minutes ago, bumblebee07 said:

I would like to believe that maybe by Jan I might be ready by then, hopefully. My parents and others are happy for me. Like mentioned, everyone is excited but me. 

January is only 6 months away!!!!  No, I don't think you should keep a date of January because by the sounds of it you won't be ready by then.  Please have the self-respect to be honest about your emotional needs and boundaries.  There is no rush to get married.  If he respects you then he will be willing to give you more time.

[Lotsgoingon]

You got to find some close friends--a support system--and start spilling the beans, the truth, to them because it sounds like you're too caught up in pressure to say yes.

You need to call off the wedding period. Now, good job to delay.  Ideally you say you don't want any more talk of marriage. But if you have to: delaying again ... might send the right signal to bf to back off. 

Do NOT get married unless you are like 99.99 crazy strong about it. Anything less is a mistake. And now, good feelings do not follow after marriage. The relationship becomes more stressful and more challenging. 

No, this is not your nervousness, talking. You don't want to get married to this person. BTW: your partner isn't ready to get married either, since he didn't have clear discussions with you beforehand and because of the way he manipulated having family around. He isn't thoughtful enough to marry you. That will only get WORSE after marriage. 

Getting married would be a disaster. You'd end up extremely depressed extremely soon ... and even more stuck ... because now you would have to get out of a marriage and not just an engagement.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, bumblebee07 said:

I told him that I needed to finish college and save a bit more money; those are the reasons I gave him to postpone the wedding. It's valid reasons but I wasn't completely honest with him about my feelings about it overall.

It's not easy, but you need to be. 

It wouldn't be fair to continue planning this when you know it's not what you want. When you think about marrying your boyfriend and the general feeling is one of tearful trepidation, it's your gut and your better judgment telling you that you shouldn't do it. 

This is why I generally side-eye surprise proposals in front of a crowd (when the couple had not previously been very clear about wanting to marry each other) It puts the other person on the spot and nearly guarantees that they will say yes even if it's not what they want. Very, very few people would have the heart to say no under those circumstances. I get that your fiancé was probably trying to be romantic and sentimental, but it was just too much pressure to put on you. 

How's the rest of your relationship been up until this point? Were things progressing well, or did you feel hurried in other aspects? 

[Will am I]

3 hours ago, bumblebee07 said:

Yes when he proposed in front of our family and friends, I felt trapped like a deer caught in the headlights. Within me I was thinking ''Oh noooo, why didn't you tell me, now I have no option but to accept it, I can't hurt you''.

Do you think it's ok if I can just remain engaged? I think I'll be ok with just being engaged for now and postpone the wedding for a much later date.

Asking someone such an important and personal question in front of an audience. I think it’s ambush. 

Not everything in a relationship is meant for an audience. The engagement party, the wedding day, yes. The proposal, no. This boundary crossing. I think you are entitled to be mad at your fiance and if you are, you should tell him so.

You should probably call off the wedding preparations for now. It may not be personal, but you’re definitely not ready. Your intuition is telling you that. If you would rush into the marriage, I think you’d be stressed and unhappy.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, bumblebee07 said:

Even though part of me said yes to spare his feelings, do you think it's nervousness and I'll eventually feel excited about my engagement??

I think you are very young and obviously not ready to commit to someone for life. I would have felt the same at that age. 

He is in a different place, he is a little bit older and at a slightly different life stage. 

You have only been dating for a little more than a year, it’s quite reasonable to want to wait because you haven’t been dating for very long and you are still very young.

You say that you said yes because you didn’t want to hurt him - and I get that, there was a lot of pressure to say yes with your family and friends standing there waiting for your answer… But, you will hurt him and yourself more if you are not honest with him about how you are feeling. 

Perhaps you are not sure about this engagement - not sure about committing to this man. Or perhaps, you are just not ready to get married at this time - and the solution to this is a long engagement (not six months, but two years). 

If he loves you and wants you to be his life partner more than he wants the wedding day - he will want you to feel comfortable with the decision. You should NOT marry a man unless you are enthusiastically looking forward to doing so - 

Edited June 14, 2022 by BaileyB

[dramafreezone]

[ ] 

OP, really, the crux of the issue is that you don't want to marry him.  If you wanted to marry him you would know.  I think some pre-wedding nerves are completely normal but this sense of dread when you knew he was proposing isn't part of that.

He should have been 100% certain on your position regarding marriage before making such a grand jesture, and for that reason I do think what he did was ill-advised.  I agree that you were boxed into a corner and had to accept the proposal.  If you couldn't wait to marry him I don't think the manner of the proposal would've been an issue at all.

You can't psych yourself into wanting to be married.  You have to tell him that you don't want to marry him, better sooner than later.  He'll be hurt, but it's the best for the both of you.

Edited June 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
argumentative

[Will am I]

I’m reluctant to make it about the fiance.

If your gut is screaming “no!” then it may very well be that deep down inside you don’t want to marry this person. As suggested above, that feeling exceeds the normal pre wedding nerves and should be considered seriously.

But more general, do you want to get married at age 22 or 23? I guess that’s about six years younger than average. If you are the person to marry young, than you know you want it (and probably have known all along).

 

Something inside you is resisting, and at the moment it’s unclear if it’s resisting the idea of marrying this fiance, or marrying so  fast. Take your doubts seriously. Step back from any fixed date until you figured out what you want and don’t want. Pushing Sep (very very quick) to Jan (still quite fast) is not enough. The pressure or a set date should not be on your shoulders now.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, bumblebee07 said:

My parents and others are happy for me. Like mentioned, everyone is excited but me. 

I suspect that your parents and friends would not be happy for you if they know how you really feel.  Please talk with them

[NuevoYorko]

If you and he have a good, solid relationship, then you can, and must, talk to him about all of this with him.  

[Will am I]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

I suspect that your parents and friends would not be happy for you if they know how you really feel.  Please talk with them

This. If you have a good relation with your mother, confide with her specifically.

It is vital that you learn where your resistance and doubts spring from. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with other women who have been down the path can help you get your head more clear.

Also, should you decide to call off the engagement, you shouldn’t be on your own in that hurtful situation. The first person to ask on your team would usually be your mom. 

[bumblebee07]

21 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 How's the rest of your relationship been up until this point? Were things progressing well, or did you feel hurried in other aspects? 

I have nothing to complain about to be honest. The only thing is he has always seem to be a couple steps ahead of me and is more mature than me. Then again, it must be our age difference and our stage. Even though we both eventually want to settle down and have kids, he really beat me the pace. He's ready before my time. Now that I remember, he once said that if he likes throwing surprises but that was a general conversation last year. I didn't anticipate a surprise proposal.

I'm not upset with him. I'm really not. It must have cost him effort and hard work in organizing it all and asking me the question. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him. I don't mind staying as his fiancee and making it a longer engagement. I'm close to my parents and friends but yes they're unaware of my current feelings on this matter. I'm going to have a conversation with them before speaking to him about it.

Hopefully he'll understand my delay on the engagement. I won't break it off (that would be losing him) but I'll postpone. I'm just not going through with the wedding too soon. 

[bumblebee07]

9 hours ago, Will am I said:

This. If you have a good relation with your mother, confide with her specifically.

It is vital that you learn where your resistance and doubts spring from. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with other women who have been down the path can help you get your head more clear.

Also, should you decide to call off the engagement, you shouldn’t be on your own in that hurtful situation. The first person to ask on your team would usually be your mom. 

I'll speak to her after getting off work today. I'm close with both of my parents. I was thinking of still staying as his fiancee but be engaged much longer, like someone suggested; 2 years. I hope he'll understand. 

[Will am I]

I'm sure your mother will be loving and understanding when you confide with her.

 

Adding up the facts: 

* you just turned 22

* he's about 27

* you are together for 16 months now

And I add one assumption: at your age you probably have no experience with prior marriage / living together / relationships that were supposed to develop into a life partnership.

 

There can be a few reasons why you're stressed and conflicted.

(A) Maybe your fiance is a good person (aka "marriage material") and also a compatible partner for you. But it's all going so lightning fast and the speed is making you insecure. Maybe you never gave much thought to the question at which age you want to get married. This is about control over the process of making your own life choices (i.e. you might make the same choice as your partner, but you want to choose in your time and don't want to be rushed).

(B) You might like to get married one day, but you know you don't want to marry so young. Maybe you feel a part of your youth is being stripped away if you're a married woman at 22 and you just want to enjoy freedom for a few more years. This is about the content of your life choices (i.e. you want to get married at 28, he wants you to get married at 22; they're conflicting choices).

(B) Subconsciously you know that you don't want to marry him. That he's an awesome boyfriend but not how you imagined to be your "forever person". This is also about the content of your life choices, but contrary to A and B this one is personal.

 

You have some important figuring out to do. Don't put a wedding date in 2024. There should not be any date right now. Take the pressure off.

 

 

Out of curiosity: did you two have any particular reason for the fast track wedding plans?

I got married at 28, my wife was 26. We were engaged for almost 10 months. In retrospect I think we should have taken more time. Here I read thatyour original planned wedding date (coincedentally our wedding anniversary :) ) was set at only 3 months into the future. Three months. It sounds like a hurricane to me.