A Question About Men [that approach]

[Jenna01]

First of all, I'd like to make it quite clear that I'm not attacking men here. If I sound like I'm sterotyping or picking on the male gender, I really don't mean it that way. I also fully realize that not all men are like this, because I've met plenty of men who show me respect, stick to business in a business setting, or just leave me alone in public places while I mutually leave them alone.

The thing is though... it seems that, at least once a month, I get hit on by random men who seem to act like I entered the building just for the sole purpose of having them approach me.

Just to add some context here, please note that I was raised in a relatively sheltered home, to the point where I didn't even have my first sorta-boyfriend until I was 19 (and I'm in my mid-thirties now), and I was also raised with an old-fashioned mindset of sorts. And while I don't get as nervous or uptight about being approached as I once did, I still... can't help but find it rather improper (to put it mildly) when I get approached by individuals who get too close for comfort, wink at me, stare at me... and pretty much give an air almost like they're saying, "Hey, babe, you've brightened my world just by walking into the room, I've chosen you, and I bet I rock your world, too..." Even in cases where the man is old enough to be my father or grandfather.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe.... I would just like to hear some perspective, because I'm genuinely trying to understand the opposite sex better, particularly since I am still questioning my own sexuality, and I'm also pretty happy just being single. 

I guess I am just wondering... why does it sometimes seem like, when all you're doing is walking down the street, or going into a public place like a laundromat to do your laundry... and you are minding your own business, and the very last thing on your mind at the moment is looking for a date, someone will sometimes honk their horn at you as if expecting something, or just start hitting on you?

I mean.... sometimes, men just... seem to make it sound like the only reason you exist, or the only reason you appeared in their eyesights at that exact moment, was just for them to come approach you. It's just... why does this happen, and why does it also seem to be happening with increasing frequency? Is it because there are a lot of men out there who haven't been taught right in recent generations, or... have a number of men always been like this, and perhaps I'm just finding it rather shocking because I haven't had many opportunities to be exposed to it until more recent years?

Edited June 15, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Title

[NuevoYorko]

Think of all the men you've crossed paths with in the span of a month.  This happens about one time per month.  This does not indicate that the behavior you are experiencing reflects on the state of the male sex in general.  Those uncouth guys are just outliers.

In reality, the kind of behavior you are describing was very common in prior generations.  It is not happening with increasing frequency.  Men can lose jobs or have the cops called for harassment now.  In the past, wolf whistling and even physical contact [ ] was not uncommon

Either call the offenders out, ignore them, or if it's really harassment / threatening, call an authority.  Then forget about them, they're not worth your time and attention.

Edited June 15, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Jenna01]

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Think of all the men you've crossed paths with in the span of a month.  This happens about one time per month.  This does not indicate that the behavior you are experiencing reflects on the state of the male sex in general.  Those uncouth guys are just outliers.

In reality, the kind of behavior you are describing was very common in prior generations.  It is not happening with increasing frequency.  Men can lose jobs or have the cops called for harassment now.  In the past, wolf whistling and even physical contact (remember the former resident of the White House and his famed "p___y grabbing" brag?)  

Either call the offenders out, ignore them, or if it's really harassment / threatening, call an authority.  Then forget about them, they're not worth your time and attention.

Yeah, I spoke with a female friend about this and she said, every once in a while, she gets hit on in a similar fashion... and in her case, they usually shut up if she tells them that they aren't the quality she's looking for... and she moves on.

Honestly... I've pretty much reached the point where I sorta brush it off if it's just a case of cat-calling in a passing car, because... 99.9% of the time, I never ever see that individual again after that happens anyway. And thus far, there have only been like... two cases all total where I've actually had to snap at someone to leave me alone when they just wouldn't take a hint, and in both cases, while they got a little pissy, they did leave me alone.

I suppose.... again, I'm not sure if anyone would have any.... advice or opinions on this, (especially since this is prolly flowing into a completely different facet/matter entirely, even if I feel it's related) but well....

I guess in my case, it doesn't help matters any that... I was also pretty much raised by relatives who could just go way, way overboard in their reactions. I honestly don't know if this is.... normal, because I don't have many basis's for comparison, since I wasn't around many people growing up.

It's just the kind of thing like... Mom was so prudeish, she'd ALMOST act like a kiss was almost attempted rape. Grandma was worse.... if you even joked a LITTLE about wanting booze, she'd get on the horn and talk to Mom about it, and in some cases.... even get on the phone and tell everyone else in the family all about it, even in cases where she didn't have her facts straight first.

In the end.... Even though I'm trying to get better about it, I sorta feel like I was a bit... raised to be an uptight snob who feels that the best way to handle many situations is to be perfect, have everything around you be perfect, and.... have no-one else around you behave in any way at all except proper, otherwise.... your life is kinda ruined. Even if you didn't do anything wrong personally, you did nothing to invite or instigate something. Or even if you did, it was just a mistake like any other human would make.

I don't know if that makes sense exactly, but... I guess I'm kinda trying to work through why I still get a little touchy about certain things, even if I'm in no way responsible for what other people do or how they behave.

[glows]

You had mentioned earlier questioning your sexuality and that may tie into the inappropriate entitlement you see displayed in some men towards you. Maybe you woke up and wanted to look good for yourself (as many people do, man or woman) and ended up getting unwanted attention from a group of people you may not even be attracted to in the first place. Do you feel that might be adding to the frustration? 

I find entitlement of any sort a major pet peeve.

[FMW]

Like any obnoxious behavior, I've always found the best way to deal with it is to ignore it.  Don't even look their way.  They are seeking attention.  If they don't get it, they will move on.

Confronting them is an unnecessary waste of time and energy in my opinion. 

I guess it depends on how you normally handle annoyances, and also whether or not you feel you have to be nice to everyone.  

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Jenna01 said:

  at least once a month, I get hit on by random men who seem to act like I entered the building just for the sole purpose of having them approach me.

 Are they just making small talk or are they asking for your number or asking you out?  Be polite and friendly but if someone is rude to you ignore them.

[Johnjohnson2017]

Some men are aggressive that way. They are used to acting that way. These men think (wrongfully) that women feel flattered and like the attention that they are getting from them. If you feel disrespected, just ignore them. I'm a man and I wouldn't like it if I was approached that way as it makes you feel like a piece of meat. You are correct to feel like you do.

Do you not want to get approached at all? or you don't mind getting approached in a respectful manner like a man trying to start a normal friendly conversation? Men are forced to do the approaching when interacting with women they are interested in dating.

[LeoEnki]

15 hours ago, Jenna01 said:

The thing is though... it seems that, at least once a month, I get hit on by random men who seem to act like I entered the building just for the sole purpose of having them approach me.

Im going to be deadly honest here if you are attractive im not surprised this experience is repeated every month as you say / happens to you. Now, that does not insinuate its acceptable, however, I know for a fact men are like this.

If you feel like your being harrassed tell them, make your boundaries clear. Because if you dont men wont confront other men in this situation (unless it becomes physical).

[stillafool]

Well OP, you say you're in your mid-thirties?   From this point on every year after that age will be less and less a concern you will have to deal with.  Just ignore for now and wait, it'll stop.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

Do you not want to get approached at all? or you don't mind getting approached in a respectful manner like a man trying to start a normal friendly conversation? Men are forced to do the approaching when interacting with women they are interested in dating.

This.

18 hours ago, Jenna01 said:

I guess I am just wondering... why does it sometimes seem like, when all you're doing is walking down the street, or going into a public place like a laundromat to do your laundry... and you are minding your own business, and the very last thing on your mind at the moment is looking for a date, someone will sometimes honk their horn at you as if expecting something, or just start hitting on you?

The passing cars and bystanders are cat-calling.

Men may hit on you in other cases.

If you find that the men advancing on you are being rude, just try to nod and keep moving.

Become more assertive if it gets to be too much.

Edited June 15, 2022 by Alpacalia

[mark clemson]

Among the men that do this I suspect there most of them are sexually frustrated.

Some may get their jollies by "bothering people" (particularly women) generally so essentially a form of in-person trolling. Some may resent women or be misogynistic and so feel it's an opportunity to dominate or, essentially, oppress them. Others may legitimately think they have a shot and figure "approaching" is worth it for the perhaps 1/500 chance the woman will show interest. They may have lucked out before and so are "gambling" they might get a relationship or at least a hookup out of it. As pointed out, some may believe the woman appreciates it (and some presumably presumably small % MAY actually in contexts where they have deliberately dressed to show off and do not feel threatened, ala "Sprink Break") but men being horndogs some may assume this applies to social contexts where it does not.

[SumGuy]

On 6/14/2022 at 11:40 PM, Jenna01 said:

....I mean.... sometimes, men just... seem to make it sound like the only reason you exist, or the only reason you appeared in their eyesights at that exact moment, was just for them to come approach you. It's just... why does this happen, and why does it also seem to be happening with increasing frequency? Is it because there are a lot of men out there who haven't been taught right in recent generations, or... have a number of men always been like this, and perhaps I'm just finding it rather shocking because I haven't had many opportunities to be exposed to it until more recent years?

Being a man, some men are just pigs.  Not to sugar coat it.  The PUA community will certainly sugar coat it, but they are thinking only of themselves and their desires and couldn't give a rats a** about how it might effect most people (not those they imagine in their fever dreams who like it)...they expect you to put up with...of course if they encounter even an inkling of accountability or being told no...they meltdown like the snowflakes they are.

I don't know if there has always been men like this, but suspect so.  I also suspect the vast majority of men don't do this (for one reason or another) but for me that is beside the point as how much harassment is acceptable?  I also think bullying and harassment has become more acceptable and normalized in the US, so men that would once not done this out of fear of it being looked down on are now emboldened.

What you describe is far different than someone who happens to strike up a conversation with you and then only asks you for a date or meet if they feel a connection, and you can tell when it is in a respectful way as they take no for an answer well.