Husband looking at pics of women on Instagram

[KiranK]

Hi there, 

I need some help. My husband spends a lot of time on Instagram. I recently saw that his explore page is full of pictures of girls on sexy poses and revealing clothes. I told him he shouldn't be looking at them as it's disrespectful, especially where he's religious and we are told to control our lust. He said he would stop but I saw that his page is still the same. I'm not sure what else I can do. 

He also follows a lot of girls on Instagram, which he said he knows from when he was younger and he likes all their selfie pics, which I personally think is unnecessary too as he doesn't actually talk to them anymore.

I want him to respect me more and not spend so much time on his phone. I feel it's eroding the trust and will put a strain on our marriage. 

What should I do?

Thanks

[Will am I]

You need to establish boundaries as to which behaviour is tolerable and which behaviour is not.

Here's the catch: the boundaries have to be mutually recognized. You cannot dictate your rules upon your husband and neither can he dictate his rules upon you.

When you want to propose your boundaries, it may help to explain how this affects you. For him, "he's only looking at his screen" (who can take offence?). For you, you may find it painful, scrary or even degrading that he's lavishly looking at other women. There may also be some disagreement on which "sexy poses" and which "revealing clothes" should be considered inappropriate (which might reflect a thing or two he thinks about you in the process). 

 

When you try to agree on rules, there can be two outcomes. Either you establish rules that you both agree on, or you don't.

 

If you don't, the next step is to question yourself if you are compatible as life partners. Spending your life with a spouse who refuses to live up to your standards of monogamy and devotion, it sounds to me like a lifetime of frustration and misery. Maybe it could even be worth divorcing over.

 

 

A question: your post mentions your husband is religious. Are you as well?

 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Will am I

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, KiranK said:

I told him he shouldn't be looking at them as it's disrespectful, especially where he's religious and we are told to control our lust. He said he would stop but I saw that his page is still the same. I'm not sure what else I can do. 

Tell him if he doesn't stop you will have to bring this up with your Pastor.  You are right it's very disrespectful and he seems to have an addiction because he won't stop.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, KiranK said:

I told him he shouldn't be looking at them as it's disrespectful, especially where he's religious and we are told to control our lust. He said he would stop but I saw that his page is still the same. I want him to respect me more and not spend so much time on his phone. I feel it's eroding the trust and will put a strain on our marriage. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? Are there issues with sex/intimacy?  Do you feel this behavior seems to indicate he prefers masturbation to affection/sex? Of course you can not tell him what he can see without creating a parent-child dynamic. He seems checked out of the marriage emotionally. These issues seem more symptomatic of overall marital discord.

Edited June 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

3 hours ago, KiranK said:

Hi there, 

I need some help. My husband spends a lot of time on Instagram. I recently saw that his explore page is full of pictures of girls on sexy poses and revealing clothes. I told him he shouldn't be looking at them as it's disrespectful, especially where he's religious and we are told to control our lust. He said he would stop but I saw that his page is still the same. I'm not sure what else I can do. 

He also follows a lot of girls on Instagram, which he said he knows from when he was younger and he likes all their selfie pics, which I personally think is unnecessary too as he doesn't actually talk to them anymore.

I want him to respect me more and not spend so much time on his phone. I feel it's eroding the trust and will put a strain on our marriage. 

What should I do?

Thanks

This is much deeper than photos on Instagram. My guess is he doesn’t care and has been doing this long enough that he disagrees with you. He gets something out of looking at these images and it gives him enjoyment. It may be an addiction now and escape such as addiction to porn. 

I’d cease telling him what to do as he doesn’t care what you think. You’ve expressed how this makes you feel and that it bothers you. Look at the relationship more as a whole and figure out whether the marriage is a sham. How’s your sex life? Are you both intimate with one another? Do you share children? What does he do to help out around the house? Do both of you work?

[KiranK]

Thanks for your help guys.

We've only been married for 8 months and we were friends before. They're aren't any issues around intimacy or sex. We talk about everything and he helps around the house. We both work. We don't have children yet. I think he just enjoys looking at these pretty women. I know I can't tell him what to do but I want to make him aware how it makes me feel and hopefully he'll realise he needs to stop. I think maybe it's harder than he thinks. Not sure how I can help him. Maybe he needs some time. I feel I would need to check his feed every now and again to see how's he's doing, as long as he consents. I know his password and he's quite open with me looking at his phone so it's not like he's trying to hide anything. I want to work though it, he's a really good guy otherwise. It was just disappointing as I didn't think he was like that though. 

[KiranK]

Yes I'm religious too. That's something we have in common. I thought we both had the same beliefs about lust etc. But it seems he's not trying to control his. I'm hoping we can work it out. We've only been married for 8 months. I don't want it to be a recurring issue as it affects my confidence and makes me question his intention online more. I wish he would just come of social media. It causes so many issues. 

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, KiranK said:

We've only been married for 8 months. 

Only 8 months and he's already looking at other women?  No.  This is the honeymoon stage of your marriage.  Tell him you will not put up with this.  Tell him if this continues you will have to bring this up with the Pastor of your Church.

Edited June 15, 2022 by stillafool

[Will am I]

17 minutes ago, KiranK said:

Yes I'm religious too. That's something we have in common. I thought we both had the same beliefs about lust etc. But it seems he's not trying to control his. I'm hoping we can work it out. We've only been married for 8 months. I don't want it to be a recurring issue as it affects my confidence and makes me question his intention online more. I wish he would just come of social media. It causes so many issues. 

What I read in this story is that you assumed that your husband would share your views about modesty, decency, men looking at other women etc. Because he shares the same religion.

But even within the same religion there will be major differences. In every religion there will be a spectrum from people who take religious observation very strict to people who try and mix their religious beliefs with the secular lifestyle common to the country they live in. This spectrum is not defined solely by theological differences; it's a complex blend of theological and philosophial views with a major contribution from the believer's character traits. So what you perceive as absolute is actually a bit more relative.

I think you should get rid of these assumptions and communicate with your husband.

 

The reason for him to stop looking at girls on Instagram should not be your religious views on the matter that he needs to copy.

The reason for him to stop looking at girls on Instagram should be that it's making you insecure and hurt.

 

Take it from a religious right vs. wrong discussion into a conversation about your feelings and how they are affected by his behaviour. His motivation should not be compliance but love.

 

Like I wrote in my previous response, you have to come up with a set of boundaries that you both support and respect. It has to be voluntary. If you cannot reach that set of boundaries together, your marriage is in serious jeopardy.

[glows]

42 minutes ago, KiranK said:

Thanks for your help guys.

We've only been married for 8 months and we were friends before. They're aren't any issues around intimacy or sex. We talk about everything and he helps around the house. We both work. We don't have children yet. I think he just enjoys looking at these pretty women. I know I can't tell him what to do but I want to make him aware how it makes me feel and hopefully he'll realise he needs to stop. I think maybe it's harder than he thinks. Not sure how I can help him. Maybe he needs some time. I feel I would need to check his feed every now and again to see how's he's doing, as long as he consents. I know his password and he's quite open with me looking at his phone so it's not like he's trying to hide anything. I want to work though it, he's a really good guy otherwise. It was just disappointing as I didn't think he was like that though. 

No, no one wants to think their partner is like this and people don’t stay in relationships like this if it makes them unhappy. If he keeps doing it and he doesn’t acknowledge it’s a problem in your marriage it’s because he does not care.

Edited June 15, 2022 by glows

[Alvi]

[ ] 

My guess would be that your husband has been going this for a very long time. Way before he have even met you. It's just he was hiding this more successfully when you were dating and engaged.

Try talking to your husband about his fantasies and things that he likes to do in the bedroom.  Perhaps try do do some of those things (within reason of course). Try to find out what exactly makes him exited when he looks at sexy pics. Could you dress up for him in the bedroom?

Do you think that he feels the same or that he is simply not comfortable discussing some of the sexual things with you? He is probably telling you that things are fine and that he enjoys sex. I bet, that he has a lot of pent up sexual fantasies that he never dares to discuss with his wife. And most definitely, he would never dare to make some of them real.

I don't know how much you can do or say for him to stop looking at the sexy pics on the net. He knows how you feel. Try to spice things up in the bedroom. But other than that, either accept that he  enjoys looking at the half naked women or divorce before you start having kids. Keeps in mind, that is you do actually divorce, that there is no guarantee that the next guy that you marry is not going to look at porn either. 

Do you think he would agree to do an addiction counselling? This actually might be very helpful.

Curious, was this some sort of an arranged marriage? How long did you two date before getting married?

Edited June 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
argumentative

[KiranK]

We had a chat about it and he apologized and said that he's going to try and stop looking at them. He tried to say it was a natural instinct but agreed it was disrespectful and it's not going of help our marriage in the long run. He also said he would unfollow some girls on Instagram if that would help too. He is going to try and spend less time on social media in general. 

We are happy with things in the bedroom but will try and spice it up a bit more. 

I will see how it goes, will have to monitor it somehow or discuss how's it going. Then we can decide if therapy or something else might be necessary. 

Its wasn't an arranged marriage and we dated for about a 1 year and a half before we got married. But we knew each before that and were friends. 

[Will am I]

That's relatively good news.

* he's agreeing on your moral standards.

* he's expressing the desire to work on the marriage and give that priority over his instincts.

 

Can you talk very openly with your husband? 

I suggest you try to leave the judgement behind you and sit next to him and not across from him. Be understanding and show an interest in what is driving his behaviour. Who are the girls he's looking at? Are they friends and acquintances? Or are they celebrities whom he does not personally know? What kind of pictures is he most into? Are they sexy, edging on pornographic? Or does he like to look his former girlfriends and classmates in the eyes? Is there a pattern in his favorite pictures? Are there traits in the type of picture or the person in the picture that he's very much into? But also: what triggers him to start looking? Does he open his phone when he is tired? Stressed? Aroused? Melancholic?

 

Don't think of this only as bad behaviour which must be stopped. Think of it as an opportinity to get to know your husband more intimately.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, KiranK said:

He also said he would unfollow some girls on Instagram if that would help too.

Why just "some" girls and not all of them?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, KiranK said:

I will see how it goes, will have to monitor it somehow or discuss how's it going. Then we can decide if therapy or something else might be necessary. 

Have you asked him why he does this?  Monitoring him will set up a policing and parent-child relationship, where he's the bad little boy and you have to watch after him. Are you sure that's what you want or what is going to get to the root of the discord?

[glows]

5 hours ago, KiranK said:

We had a chat about it and he apologized and said that he's going to try and stop looking at them. He tried to say it was a natural instinct but agreed it was disrespectful and it's not going of help our marriage in the long run. He also said he would unfollow some girls on Instagram if that would help too. He is going to try and spend less time on social media in general. 

We are happy with things in the bedroom but will try and spice it up a bit more. 

I will see how it goes, will have to monitor it somehow or discuss how's it going. Then we can decide if therapy or something else might be necessary. 

Its wasn't an arranged marriage and we dated for about a 1 year and a half before we got married. But we knew each before that and were friends. 

Yes, he acknowledged the problem yet explaining it away as natural instinct sounds childish and nonsense. The issue is he didn’t ever find anything wrong with it to start and assumed you wouldn’t either. You both may have married too soon not realizing who the person was you were marrying. 

Monitoring a partner sets up an unhealthy dynamic over time. You’re watching him constantly because trust is broken and he can’t seem to think for himself or in the best interests of your marriage. It seems he still doesn’t get it if he believes this is ok. 

[Alpacalia]

You must feel disappointed when you find out that your husband is looking at other women online - like you are not good enough.

This isn't always the case, however. Yet, it's fine to find out why your husband is fascinated by Instagram and what he gains from it.

The way he looks at other women makes you feel insecure, so I would tell him that.

What he's doing is a real kick to your confidence and he needs to know it’s hurting your feelings.

Taking it one step further, it's not unusual for men to look at other women from time to time. When you start noticing that the quality of your sex life is deteriorating, he is spending money on these women, or he is suspected of cheating, don't ignore it. He's going too far, and you need to get concerned.

When your husband is constantly browsing Instagram or spending too much time on it, it's clearly become a problem. It is quite different from browsing profiles of women online and realizing that your husband may not be happy with your relationship.
 

[mark clemson]

If it's any consolation, we get a steady cadence of occasional posts on this site about essentially this same topic, so you are apparently far from alone in having this issue.

For many, perhaps not you, it seems to be mostly the non-anonymity of Instagram/social media that (understandably) bothers the partners. So, one possible solution would be to ask/insist he stop looking at Instagram and stick with regular, anonymous porn or "girly pics".

WRT to the religious aspect, in my personal opinion that is an example of (perhaps overly) high-minded ideals coming up against the realities of male biology. IMO, for better or worse, most normal and healthy men are simply not particularly well cut out to "repress their lust" (i.e. stop masturbating) indefinitely and are quite likely to turn to their imaginations if they don't have porn (or possibly a lot of sex with their partner). C'est la humanité.

Edited June 16, 2022 by mark clemson

[KiranK]

You mention the parent-child dynamic, which I don't want to create but what else can I do? Do I ask him to show me or we decide together we'll look at it every month or something? 

I think he just enjoys looking at pretty women as far as I'm aware. He wouldn't ever message them or anything. It's just eye candy I guess. But it's hard for me as I feel he won't find me as attractive one day as I don't look like these women. 

I haven't questioned how long he's been doing this but I presume it's been for a while. He hasn't been in a long term relationship before and so hasn't encountered these type of boundaries. I'm hoping things will improve but I'm not sure how we review things. I guess I'll just have to ask him. He's normally quite willing to show me his phone anyway.

I did want to mention it to someone else but I couldn't think who. As I thought it would be good for him to hear from another person's perspective so he doesn't just think it's me that finds it odd. 

He has some girl friends on Instagram so I wouldn't want him to unfollow them. It just the other girls that post selfies all the times and he ends up liking them all. I don't think that's acceptable and it sends the wrong message to the girl who he doesn't actually even chat to. Even liking girl friends pics that are provocative I don't think is right, right?

I'll pray to God and hopefully we can establish better boundaries and come out the other side. Thanks for all your help. I didn't know who to turn to. 

[KiranK]

He's on his phone a lot. I told him he's addicted and he's working to reduce it. He said it will take time. It just annoys me as he's on it at work too, as he's not always busy and I just end up thinking what he's looking at. He offered to delete it but I don't know I'd that would solve the problem, as he'd be back on it again at some point. 

[Alpacalia]

Well, what's stopping you from looking at hunky men?

[KiranK]

Nothing per se. But I don't have the desire to look at that regularly

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, KiranK said:

You mention the parent-child dynamic, which I don't want to create but what else can I do?

Speak with your husband as equal adults. Make it a two-way conversation in which you both commit to learn from each other.

He can learn from you, why you dislike the behaviour and how it affects you.

You can learn from him, what triggers the behavior and why he does is and what he likes in the girls and the photos.

 

Much more mature, pleasant and fruitful.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, what's stopping you from looking at hunky men?

This is what I'd be doing.  Looking at good looking ones with massive penises and leaving the screen open for him to see.  LOL, I know, petty.

[KiranK]

Yes we kind of had that discussion already but we'll need to talk about it again so can see how's he's doing. It's hard as I don't know if I would believe him if he said he stopped unless I saw his feed. As he said before he would and he hadn't.

Hopefully it will be ok. 

Lol!