Husband looking at pics of women on Instagram

[glows]

So instead of enjoying your newly married life, you’re wondering which skimpily clad women he’s liking on social media? The trust is broken but only time will tell whether he changes or whether you tolerate his behaviour.

[glows]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

massive penises

Why stop there? Why not carry on with- oops wrong forum. 🤣

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, KiranK said:

I did want to mention it to someone else but I couldn't think who. As I thought it would be good for him to hear from another person's perspective so he doesn't just think it's me that finds it odd. 

A licensed qualified marriage therapist may be able to provide a neutral professional setting to start the dialogue and give you both better tips than combing through his phone and him dismissing your concern then lying to you. There's also the issue of spending too much time on his phone in general and tuning you out. This IG girls thing is symptomatic of other issues.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, KiranK said:

he apologized and said that he's going to try and stop looking at them.

Try? Why exactly does this take effort on his part?

He can stop this any time he wants to. It's not hard to not ogle women online. 

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, KiranK said:

Nothing per se. But I don't have the desire to look at that regularly

If your husband is religious, is there a chance that this will satisfy his desire to look at other women instead of more, well, sexually explicit material? Obviously, that doesn't mean he can't be more subtle or respectful at the same time.

One difference is that you've taken the extraordinary step of becoming less interested in sexy men to focus your attention on the man you love, and you "expect" him to do the same if he loved you.

When there are two secure adults in a relationship, it's not uncommon for situations like this not to register. Something is amiss though. It is very hard to say what is going on between you and your husband (even though you say everything else is fine).

You're in a tough bind.

You have no real third option, because if your husband isn't willing to stop (even after he agreed to stop looking at women online), then that leaves your options:

Tolerating it and being OK with it
Counseling 
Leaving him

Edited June 17, 2022 by Alpacalia

[KiranK]

Yes I'm not sure how he can overcome it. When you say being more respectful. Do you mean looking at pics in a more subtle way? 

I'm thinking I should take him up on his offer and he should do a social media detox for a little while. Not sure if that would help us both. 

I do trust him but looking at these pics regularly makes me question things more. I'm an overthinker anyway, which doesn't help. I'm just trying to make him realise the consequences it will have on our marriage, which I think he maybe hasn't thought about.

We're creating more boundaries around the phone. So he's not on it when we're eating or in the bedroom etc. It just takes time to make these changes but he is trying.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, KiranK said:

 I'm just trying to make him realise the consequences it will have on our marriage. So he's not on it when we're eating or in the bedroom etc.

That's a good start. Phone free times and spaces.

He seems checked out and in his own world. Almost as if he's a broody teen and you're the mom.

What "consequences" are there? What specifically is the leverage?

How old is he? You mentioned he never had a relationship before.

Are there cultural or socioeconomic background differences?  

While you may be making some progress on smaller fronts, how happily married are you?

[KiranK]

Just distrust building causing us to become distant. Me not respecting him. Him not finding me attractive as I don't look like the women he's looking at. 

He's in his kid 20's. I'm a bit older than him. No we have the same background and culture.

I'm happy otherwise. We laugh, are both generally easygoing, want the same things in life and he does listen and care about me.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, KiranK said:

He's in his kid 20's.

What does this mean?  Are you saying he's in his early 20s?

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, KiranK said:

I do trust him but looking at these pics regularly makes me question things more. I'm an overthinker anyway, which doesn't help. I'm just trying to make him realise the consequences it will have on our marriage, which I think he maybe hasn't thought about.

What consequences?  Yes you should question what he's doing because he's lusting after younger women and sooner or later he's going to want to have sex with one.  It's only natural if he's in his early 20s to want to be with a girl around that age.  I mean some do like older women but the fact that he's obsessed with looking at hot young women tells me that is what he's lusting for.  I hope I'm wrong.

[KiranK]

In his mid 20's. I don't know if the photos he's looking at are necessarily younger girls. They're just pretty women, showing off their assets in skimpy clothes.

Gosh I hope not. I think he should have a detox for the time being. I don't know. 

[stillafool]

What are the consequences?

[KiranK]

Consequences of?

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, KiranK said:

Just distrust building causing us to become distant. Me not respecting him. Him not finding me attractive as I don't look like the women he's looking at. 

What is the reason behind your distrust of him? 

Are there any other aspects of him that causes dislike or loss of respect towards him?

Or, is it all just related to "Instagram models?"

FYI, losing respect for your partner is not exactly a recipe for romantic success. Conversely, if you feel neglected in your relationship, you have every right to feel jealous when your husband follows Instagram models. 

I have to admit, judging by his age and Instagram/phone habits, he seems to lack maturity. He would understand that following models on Instagram would be awkward for his wife - and inconsiderate. In contrast, immature men wouldn't consider such a thing. It tends to be more selfish and they only consider their needs - not yours.

If he fills most of his news feed with half-naked, pouting models, either he has a LOT of idle time on his hands or he is just disrespectful.

Now, going by your description, they're just basically sultry models online. Or do you consider their appearance more "porn-ish" in nature? Are you feeling that you are not measuring up to these models?

Is he just looking at them or is he actually interacting with them?

It may concern you a bit that that extra layer of connection - whether it be following or subscribing - feels a bit too close to home to you. The possibility of him connecting with them personally - by way of direct messages or offline - is there. 

Edited June 17, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

6 hours ago, KiranK said:

Yes I'm not sure how he can overcome it. When you say being more respectful. Do you mean looking at pics in a more subtle way? 

I'm thinking I should take him up on his offer and he should do a social media detox for a little while. Not sure if that would help us both. 

I do trust him but looking at these pics regularly makes me question things more. I'm an overthinker anyway, which doesn't help. I'm just trying to make him realise the consequences it will have on our marriage, which I think he maybe hasn't thought about.

We're creating more boundaries around the phone. So he's not on it when we're eating or in the bedroom etc. It just takes time to make these changes but he is trying.

As an outsider, you married him the way he is and you are not even one year married. He takes it as you accepting him for who he is when you married him. It's a little late to be asking someone to see the consequences of old habits he's always had. That you have to hand hold him and lead him to these realizations really does make one wonder whether he's plain disrespectful or really slow. Perhaps it's an addiction. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't think anyone should have to retrain their husband or partner into doing something different. There is no "try". It's either do or don't. He might have married too young/too early to realize all this.

[heartwhole2]

You might want to ask people within your faith community about their take on this. My take will be different, I'm sure.

I was just thinking the other day about how religious rules concerning our sexuality were required in the pre-birth control world to avoid chaos and a bunch of cast-off women and children facing starvation. But I don't believe there's any true value in denying our urges. I think they should be accepted for what they are, and we should channel them to make our lives more fulfilling.

That said, we also live in the information age where pornography is endlessly available, and it is addictive for some. All social media is addictive to some extent. So losing yourself in a compulsive need to look at those images is a real concern.

I'll admit, if my husband's Instagram is open to a sexy-ish lady I'm going to make a quasi-joking statement about, "So THAT'S what you look at, huh?" But as long as it's not impacting any other areas of our lives, I think it's a good thing to be accepting and easy-going of one another. I've been with my husband for over 20 years, and if reading some silly romance novel is going to make me want to have sex with him, who is he to complain, right? I'm not actually wishing I were some naive co-ed bedding the athlete she's tutoring, you know? If he looks at a picture quickly on Instagram and thinks, yum, nice, and then he's spending the evening with me, who is harmed (other than maybe the Instagram lady who is seeking validation, and a paycheck, from producing sexy photos for mass consumption)? Not me.

I've been very religious and dogmatic in my past, and honestly I think that rigidity was more of a threat to our well-being than a little bit of "lust" that isn't being acted on. We have a biological drive to procreate. It's powerful, and the endorphins it creates are part of what makes life so great. I don't think it's useful to shame your spouse or to pretend it's possible to repress your natural urges. Acknowledge them. Channel them into fun time with your spouse. Remember that rules around purity and lust were designed to keep families from falling apart in a different era. And also recognize that what is forbidden is more appealing than what isn't. If you say, "Don't look at that!" he will probably still do it, just in secret. If you say, "Oh, haha, another sexy lady," then it will lose its teeth.

[BaileyB]

On 6/15/2022 at 8:19 AM, KiranK said:

I thought we both had the same beliefs about lust etc. But it seems he's not trying to control his. I hope we can work this out.

Are you prepared to lose your marriage over this issue?

For perspective, a quick Google search indicates that about 70-80% of men in their twenties admit to looking at pornographic images or videos at least once a month. Visiting Pompeii, there are pornographic frescos on the walls. This, to me, is a fairly typical expression of sexuality that is as old as time - it would not be something I would make an issue in my marriage unless it was compulsive and affecting the intimacy in our relationship and the quality of his/our lives. I just don’t think you are going to have much success trying to tell a healthy 25 year old man to “control his lust.” 

 

Edited June 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

I've been very religious and dogmatic in my past, and honestly I think that rigidity was more of a threat to our well-being than a little bit of "lust" that isn't being acted on.

Amen!

[Will am I]

As a man, I know my wife does not like me looking at pornography. I try to refrain from that, mostly for that reason. 

But my efforts are voluntary. I would not accept a situation where my wife wanted to police me. It would make me uncomfortable, like a marriage should not have that role pattern. And also I believe that a woman should not want to take that “parent” or “police officer” role, just like a man does not want to be in the “child” role.

[KiranK]

I understand that lust is natural but it's just knowing where to draw the line. How often is it ok for him to look and where etc.? 

I agree that I can't police him as that doesn't create a healthy dynamic. I guess it all took me by surprise and so it's just going to take some time to come to terms with it. It doesn't affect our intimacy or anything. I guess I just worry more as it makes me think he's checking out women all the time and he maybe even fantasizes about them, which doesn't make me feel good. I just start thinking where it could lead to - possibly cheating. But I don't think he ever would but his habit just feeds my insecurity.

 

[Alpacalia]

On 6/20/2022 at 3:00 AM, KiranK said:

I guess I just worry more as it makes me think he's checking out women all the time and he maybe even fantasizes about them, which doesn't make me feel good. I just start thinking where it could lead to - possibly cheating. But I don't think he ever would but his habit just feeds my insecurity.

 

You do know that men fantasizing about other women is pretty normal stuff, right?

[Will am I]

I don't think there should be a free pass for us married men to fantasize and look at other women as we please and without limits.

But at the same time there should be some understanding that it is in our nature to appreciate beautiful and sexy women. Some level of looking and fantasizing has to be tolerated, or else you'll be constantly arguing and the trust will be eroded completely. Causing your marriage to fall apart for no good reason.

 

One thing that never received much attention in this thread: what kind of material is OP's husband looking at?

I think OP should be much more worried if her husband is looking at selfies from the same person all the time, especially is the person is real and the picture is not very sexy or revealing. 

My go-to picture during my period of infidelity was a simple selfie of AP when she had dressed up for dinner. There was her face, a pretty sweater, her hair brushed nicely, make-up on her eyelashes and lips and these beautiful brown eyes looking straight into the camera. No pouting, no strange camera positions to maximize cleavage, none of that.

As a wife you should probably prefer to see your husband looking at some random adult entertainment star than this.

 

Also: lighten up, you're married. If your husband likes mini skirts, why wouldn't you wear one? If he's into black lace, go ahead. There are no moral or religious objections to a maried couple feeding and enjoying eachothers sexuality within the confines of that marriage.