His ex died and he is a different person

[Rizava]

Apologies for the long post.

Background:  I escaped a 20 year abusive situation about 5 years ago. Swore off men for life.  A year into my new found freedom an old friend contacted me on social media. We had known each other since we were born and had lost touch for over 30 years. Great to reconnect and our daily chats became more flirty and then romantic over a period of months. I was living in Europe at the time, and he in the states. I had already planned to move back home that fall for a great job and coming home to meet him again was amazing. 

The person I found when I arrived was not the same. In Europe I had his full attention, he called, texted and wanted to see me and be with me 24/7. Promised me the moon, stars and sun. When I arrived, he kept me at arm's length for the longest time.  He told me that he was in a 10  year relationship with a woman who had 2 daughters and together they had a son who was 12 at the time. He had never been married although he proposed, she declined. 

He told me that after their breakup they had an amicable relationship and co-parented their son.  He told me that she had cheated on him and moved into her boyfriend's house, leaving him alone with her 2 girls and their son.  She asked him to stay on at the house to take care of the kids and everything going on there.  Not wanting to leave his son, he stayed for another 6 months and then ultimately could not deal with the situation of her popping in every now and then with her boyfriend, so he moved out.  

He advised that the move happened in 2014 and since then he has been with several women that could not relate to his situation.  They either complain and break up with him because he works too much (he does work a lot - which I find respectable) or they break up with him because he puts his son first and they want to be first in his life.  This sounded crazy to me.  I have 2 kids and they will always come before anyone else, I would never expect to come first over his son.

7 months into our relationship he asked me to move in.  I get along with his son wonderfully and treat him as I do my own children.  We had him every other weekend and because his mother was very lenient on the terms of the custody, we often had him during the week and for longer periods of time over the summer and holidays.  I immediately noticed how controlling and manipulative his ex was with my guy.  She would call all hours of the day and night to tell him what his son was doing.  He wouldn't brush his teeth before bed and she was calling to tell him to tell his son to do it.  He got to the point that he wasn't answering the calls.  I started to think she was jealous of him being in a real relationship for the first time since they broke up.

She would leave their son at the gym or at a friend's house when she agreed to pick him up.  Having not heard from a 12 year old for 6 hours and he's not picking up his phone, we would get in the car to go find him and bring him to his mother's house.  While she lie on the sofa watching tv.  Once, her daughter called and said she had been abandoned at her friend's house by Mom and if we could bring her home too.  How do you not hear from your kids all day, call them to say you are there to pick them up, they don't answer and you drive away and go home to relax?  Clearly she knew they would call my guy and he would run around for them.... manipulation. 

When I moved in, the true manipulation and drama started. We got a dog, and she would come over, unannounced, to visit with the dog! I let it slide once.  Then she showed up just before dinner, with a friend, while we were getting ready to have dinner with my mother.  I asked her if they would stay for dinner, they said no and continued to sit in the living room with the dog while I set the table.  He said NOTHING.  She finally left and we sat down to a slightly burned and cold meal.  The last straw was when I was at the kitchen table on a work meeting and she walked into the house, past me, did not even say hello and walked into the back yard where her son and ex were playing with the dog.  

When she left, I told my guy that this was the last time she would disrespect me in my own house.  At the very least, I pay rent here and I am your partner, she will not walk in whenever she wants. He blew up!  Telling me that I was going to start a fight and she was [ ], it was going to reflect badly on his son and might cost him time with his child.  He then stormed out. 

I decided that we would talk when he got home and if it wasn't resolved, I would move out.  He has mistakenly called me by her name, talked about her constantly until I asked him to stop, has had full friendly conversations with her on the car phone where I listened and it wasn't about their son... I think he never got over her, even 7 years later. 

He walked in that day, kissed me and apologized.  Said I could do whatever I wanted and he would deal with whatever the blowback was.  His solution the next time she arrived:  He quickly sent his son outside with the dog on a leash before she could get to the front door.  

I was on constant alert for her after that. If I saw her getting out of her car, I vowed that I would walk outside and put a stop to it and tell her there would have to be boundaries, consideration and respect for me at this house.  I never got the chance. 

When the first Covid vaccines came out she got hers and immediately had thrombosis in her legs.  When she went for a scan, they found that she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. My guy was devastated by this news and remained in denial until the day she died.  He would say things like "if anything ever happens to her" and I would think omg... when it happens. 

One year of treatments and he was running around like a nut for her kids and his, they took full advantage of this situation all they had to do was ask for money, a ride, whatever they wanted and he was doing it.  "Dad, I'm at my friend's house across town and I'm hungry, can you go get me some fast food and bring it here?"  and he would stop dinner with me and run to bring his son food.... 

Meanwhile, I was trying to be helpful and do whatever he could to be there for him.  I realized this was a difficult time as his son was losing his mother and they would need me.  I had no problem with this.  When things became bad for her in November, he stepped up and was on call 24/7 for whatever that family needed and  I stepped up and was sending meals to the house, doing everything in our house, and working full time from home.  I was exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally.  He became very distant and cold.  

When she went into the hospital during her last days, I made him go to see her to get some closure. I made him go every day with his son, with her kids and I held the fort at home, on call for whatever they needed.  

My kids are grown, they are in their early twenties and they still live in Europe.  I visit every year for their Birthday in May.  I had held off on buying my ticket because of what was going on at home but I decided to go and let them have some time to process and grieve together.  It was not my place to be here, I was not grieving, and quite frankly, I was done being the maid and being pushed aside.  He agreed that I should go and I told him my ticket home could be changed so if he needed me, I would come home.  

During my trip, he was extremely distant and when we did speak he constantly told me how overwhelmed he was and how he had to step up and be a father to all 3 children now.  The girls are 19 and 21 at this point.  She left them a ton of money.  I assumed that he would help them if they ran into any serious problems.

She also left behind a notebook that completely filled every page.  That book has his name in it everywhere.  He told me that her dying wish is for him to be there for the family, to watch over her girls and to keep the kids together.  Something SHE NEVER DID!   

I was gone for a month.  Came home to find that he is completely out of his mind.  The girls call him for every splinter they have.  They have inserted themselves into his life 100% and these are the 2 girls that called and stopped by 3 times total in the last 3 years! He is beyond distant and cold to me, snaps at me for every little thing and is not doing anything around the house to help out at all.  We are now 3 people and a dog in an 800 sq ft house.  The house is in constant shambles and no matter how much I cook and clean, there is no order or peace to be found.  

He also has a constant "on-call" agenda. We can't make any plans because someone might need him.  We order food and his son says, as we are getting into the car to go pickup the food, "can we pick my friend up across town?" and we eat cold food 2 hours later.  There are constantly kids in my house and it is constantly a mess.  I asked him to tell his son to clean up one day and he said "his friend left and my son is taking a nap."  I tried to leave it but I couldn't function to do laundry and other things while walking over blankets and garbage. 

He planned a birthday party for one of the girls at our house 3 days after I got back from Europe.  He asked me to make the cake and it ended up being food for 12 people.  

He is constantly snapping at me.  I got my second shingles shot the next day and his friends asked us to go out for a drink.  I didn't drink but I went but started feeling very sick.  I was shivering and my whole body hurt.  After 3 hours I told him I was sick and needed to go home.  He kissed me good bye and said, can you pick up some ice cream on the way home?  I promised my son.  I had 102 fever and went home in disbelief.  He has never treated me this way in the 3 years we have been together.  I would NEVER do that to him.

Today, I opened the top drawer of his nightstand to put something away.  He has a photo of his ex right next to where he sleeps.  It was never there before. 

I'm at a loss. I have tried to talk to him but every time I open my mouth there is an interruption.  I don't know what to do. 

I'm assuming he was never over her and now he is mourning her to an extent that I cannot relate to.  Thoughts and advice would be highly appreciated.   

Edited June 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
gendered insult

[stillafool]

Okay this is all a bit much isn't it?  You are being used, plan and simple.  I would move out if I were you because things are not going to get better.  He will always put the kids needs and the memory of his ex before you.  Don't stay and be their maid, move out.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like A) he has significant issues keeping his ex and kids from interfering in new relationships, B)  may have some other psychological issues,  C) isn't treating you with the respect or consideration you deserve, and finally  D) that this relationship has run its course. 

Some people have a tendency to stick with a partner, and that can sometimes be a good thing in helping a relationship go the distance over the ups and downs of life. However that should not IMO mean you put up with a partner who doesn't care much about you at all (which sounds essentially like what is going on here).

[Rizava]

Thank you for the feedback.  I think he and I need to speak about what is going on, and that is a huge part of the problem. Part of me says it's over move on, and another part of me says we need to discuss before I can make a decision like that.  We haven't spoken about any of this as I just got back last week and wanted to get a feel for what is going on here before we spoke.  I know he gets anxious and stressed, feeling overwhelmed when the problems are small.  It is crystal clear that he is in a state that he has never been in before and she passed only 2 months ago.  Our relationship did have its ups and downs but once we spoke about our problems, he always saw my point and made a change.  I thrive on certainty and walking away from the best relationship I have ever had is not an easy decision.  Until she became really sick, it was amazing being with him.  Once I moved in, my life was so good I couldn't believe it. It was everything I had always wanted and more - that lasted for more than 2 years.  He is a good guy, this person now... not him. 

  

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, Rizava said:

Until she became really sick, it was amazing being with him.  Once I moved in, my life was so good I couldn't believe it. It was everything I had always wanted and more - that lasted for more than 2 years.

Okay but that is not how you described it above.  It seems you've back tracked a lot since posting your thread.  I hope it works out for you the way you want it to.

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, Rizava said:

I'm at a loss. I have tried to talk to him but every time I open my mouth there is an interruption.  I don't know what to do. 

I'm assuming he was never over her and now he is mourning her to an extent that I cannot relate to.  Thoughts and advice would be highly appreciated.   

Maybe you could plan an evening out where the two of you would be alone and have a chance to talk. Make it a "no phone" date. The kids can live without him being at their beck and call for a couple hours. Then you need to set clear boundaries for yourself. Since he has responsibility for the kids, don't try to interfere in that. He is responsible for his own boundaries. Let him do as much as he is willing or capable of doing to help them, regardless of their age, or how often they came to see him in the past couple years. They just lost their mom, and may need to cling a little closer to him, understandably. Give him a little time to grieve (though there really are no time limits on grieving.) She's gone and no longer poses a threat to your relationship the way she used to. 

Let him know your boundaries, that you will not clean up after anyone, take orders from anyone or be used as a maid or an errand person. If that situation does not improve, then you can move out on your own. If he does not seem to care that it has gotten to the point that you would consider moving out, there is your answer.

[IrinaM]

I couldn't follow all the events, but I think I gathered that he enjoyed repeatedly triangulating you first with his ex and then later with his children. He did this from the start of your relationship, continuously throughout, and still does. There's nothing to talk about. You can stick around and be played against other people for the coveted position of who comes first in this dude's life, if that's what you want for yourself. That's all he's offering, and he only cares about himself, and he will never change.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Rizava said:

Until she became really sick, it was amazing being with him.  Once I moved in, my life was so good I couldn't believe it. It was everything I had always wanted and more

Are we reading the same posts? 

Because your relationship with him sounds anything but amazing, and long before his ex became sick. I think you are in some serious denial here already. Your very own opening post gives you away. 

3 hours ago, Rizava said:

hey break up with him because he puts his son first and they want to be first in his life.  This sounded crazy to me.

Probbaly because it was not even close to the whole truth. He gave you the sanitized, "poor me" version, but you started seeing pretty quickly what the real reasons likely were. (Hint: his attachment to his ex and the fact that he was clearly still in love with her, coupled with genral selfish behaviour)

I am sorry, OP. I think this relationship has run its course and he doesn't really care. 

[stillafool]

I just hope you don't believe that now that his ex is dead he will finally give you all his love and attention he was giving to her.  Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.  He may give it to someone else but it's doubtful it would be you.

[Rizava]

20 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Maybe you could plan an evening out where the two of you would be alone and have a chance to talk. Make it a "no phone" date. The kids can live without him being at their beck and call for a couple hours. Then you need to set clear boundaries for yourself. Since he has responsibility for the kids, don't try to interfere in that. He is responsible for his own boundaries. Let him do as much as he is willing or capable of doing to help them, regardless of their age, or how often they came to see him in the past couple years. They just lost their mom, and may need to cling a little closer to him, understandably. Give him a little time to grieve (though there really are no time limits on grieving.) She's gone and no longer poses a threat to your relationship the way she used to. 

Let him know your boundaries, that you will not clean up after anyone, take orders from anyone or be used as a maid or an errand person. If that situation does not improve, then you can move out on your own. If he does not seem to care that it has gotten to the point that you would consider moving out, there is your answer.

Thank you. I did speak with him last night finally.  His answers were "I have no idea what I am going through and it feels so overwhelming that I can't breathe." He apologized, saying he completely pushed me away and had no regard for my feelings.  This was validating because he brought it out of nowhere. He told me that his head is overwhelmed with stress and anxiety and doesn't know which way is up. He needs help and he knows it.  

I didn't bring up the photo of her in his nightstand, he did.  He said his son put it there and he just left it. He admitted that leaving me sick with his friends was a mistake and told me he's being selfish because he has me here to take some of it off of him and wants to do some things that make him happy.  I told him that is not ok or the answer to anything, especially at my expense.  

I had to help mom with something last night and had to leave the conversation.  I told him he needs to decide if he wants to work on this with me or not. We plan to talk again tonight.