Should I just let this go completely?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I’m a 32-year old female who’s always been quite a private person. It is for this reason that I have long prioritised quality friendships over the quantity of friends. When I get fond of someone and their friendship, I get attached easily, especially if that person ‘hits the spot’ and makes me very happy to be in their presence and have them in my life.

What I’ve come on here to seek advice on is, I met one such person 6 months ago. He is unfortunately no longer a friend, which was caused by me messing things up when I developed feelings for him and wanted to move faster than he was willing to. It might well be best to just leave things where they are and forget about this person, as I’m sure most posters will advise me to. It is just that the impact that this person had on my life in the short time we knew each other was so great and so memorable that I feel sad to just leave things at the ‘we are now strangers’ stage.

6 months ago, me and him hung out for almost a whole day, upon my invitation (was going to be a group event but in the end, only he could make it). We had a wonderful time together and sparks were flying. There was flirtation and good chemistry all the time, he admitted to me afterwards that he just didn’t want to go home since he had such a great time with me. He also suggested we get together again.

I acted on his suggestion and invited him out again. I suggested we check out the new restaurant he’d mentioned. He got excited by this and offered to book a table for the two of us. 

However, this dinner never materialised. I saw him flirting with other girls in the days leading up to our date and I broached this with him, most prematurely I know. He then confessed that although he did want to see if anything could happen between us, he was not ready to start anything right now.
Things turned a bit sour, with him even deleting me from social media. He confessed later that he never actually wanted to delete me and he’d be open to adding me back, but he never bothered to get round to doing this.
Since then I tried to rekindle a friendship again over message, but he was quite indifferent and in the end I sent him a final ‘goodbye’. It was always me trying, me initiating things, him happily going alone with it but just never being that into it. I said that goodbye so I could just put an end to the one sided efforts. 

Fast forward to now, it is sadly the case of whenever we see each other at events, we completely blank each other and do not acknowledge each other at all. Not even a ‘hello’. It makes me sad since I do have fond memories of that day we spent together.

I can’t help but feel that this all prematurely broke down when there was so much more to explore, whether in just friendship or more, and I know it was my own impatience and paranoia that threw a spanner into the works and got us to this ‘stranger’ stage where we are at now. 

Yet even though it is sad that we are now complete strangers, it is the least upsetting way to go about it for me, since the alternative is having to say hello to him when he doesn’t really care all that much and I see he has no feelings or fondness for me in his eyes at all. It is obvious that this didn’t mean much to him at all. But, I do miss the friendship so much. 

I am wondering whether to just let this all go and put it behind me, or whether to try to see if we can get a friendship back like when I see him at events, I shouldn’t just ignore him? 

Thank you for your input 💐 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

try to see if we can get a friendship back like when I see him at events, I shouldn’t just ignore him? 

Sorry this happened. If you see him, be polite and friendly as you are to anyone else at these events. However he felt he needed to distance himself in order not to lead you on. Can you bring a date to these events so he doesn't get the impression you are still looking to date him?

[glows]

Just say hi as to anyone else and move onto another crowd in the group. No need to be awkward. I don't think he thinks of the friendship as importantly as you do and you have to be respectful of that. 

Make new friends and don't depend on him to talk/entertain you during these meet ups. I think you're making it more difficult than it needs to be. Just do your own thing and have fun. 

[flitzanu]

no.  he was clear in the past, his actions are clear, and his words are clear, and this is a one sided obsession, and i don't expect him to behave kindly if you start trying this behavior again with him.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

I am wondering whether to just let this all go and put it behind me

Yes, this. 

It is pretty clear he wasn't as interested in being friends as you were. And while it's disappointing, we need to learn when our presence is not exactly welcomed - and just step away. Trying yet again to make him be friends is going to get awkward. He is not likely be receptive to it, and it could come across as rather obsessive on your part. You don't want that. 

Be polite when you see him, and leave it be. 

[stillafool]

I think he wanted to be friends as he is with everyone else there; but discovered that you were looking for more and your conversation about his flirting with the other girls made him uncomfortable.  He's in that group to meet people and have fun so if he thinks that is going to be a problem for you, he'd rather distance hisself.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I can’t help but feel that this all prematurely broke down when there was so much more to explore

I am wondering whether to just let this all go and put it behind me

What is there to explore? He has clearly indicated to you that he does not want to have a relationship with you anymore. You have no other option but to let this go - it takes two to “share” a friendship or have a relationship and right now, you are the only person interested in this friendship/relationship. 

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

It makes me sad since I do have fond memories of that day we spent together.

I hear you, it is sad when you lose a friendship that meant something to you but - this is one day. You spend one day together and that should not be something you are pining over months and months later… It is a sure sign that you are over-invested.

Is this the guy from the meet-up groups that got super awkward but you are still trying to make friends with? If so, my goal would be to be able to politely acknowledge each other while attending the same event. Nothing more, nothing less. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Fast forward to now, it is sadly the case of whenever we see each other at events, we completely blank each other and do not acknowledge each other at all. Not even a ‘hello’. It makes me sad since I do have fond memories of that day we spent together.

He seems like more of an acquaintance through the group, so just be friendly but without pursuing anything.

Is this the same man?:

 

[babybrowns]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

no.  he was clear in the past, his actions are clear, and his words are clear, and this is a one sided obsession, and i don't expect him to behave kindly if you start trying this behavior again with him.

It might be like that now, but at the time, it was mutual. He confessed that he “was looking to see if something could happen between us”, but was ‘then put off by our disagreements’ when I brought up I didn’t like him flirting with others. In reality he loves his single life and he could see I was trying to pin him down when he wasn’t ready for that yet.

 

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. If you see him, be polite and friendly as you are to anyone else at these events. However he felt he needed to distance himself in order not to lead you on. Can you bring a date to these events so he doesn't get the impression you are still looking to date him?

Thank you, but this is not something I need to be concerned with. I ensure to not look his way, let alone talk to him at these events. He can see I have no intention to engage with him at all, thus needs to put zero effort into trying not to lead me on.  I avoid him mainly to protect my own peace- it would hurt to talk to him when he doesn’t feel the same anymore.
 

Edited June 17, 2022 by babybrowns

[babybrowns]

25 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What is there to explore? He has clearly indicated to you that he does not want to have a relationship with you anymore. You have no other option but to let this go - it takes two to “share” a friendship or have a relationship and right now, you are the only person interested in this friendship/relationship. 

I hear you, it is sad when you lose a friendship that meant something to you but - this is one day. You spend one day together and that should not be something you are pining over months and months later… It is a sure sign that you are over-invested.

Is this the guy from the meet-up groups that got super awkward but you are still trying to make friends with? If so, my goal would be to be able to politely acknowledge each other while attending the same event. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Thanks Bailey. I just felt such a good vibe with him, that I feel so sad it was the first and last time we hung out. He was interested in spending more time with me back then, but then I ruined it by pushing him into something he wasn’t yet ready for. It is upsetting, the ‘what might have been’, and especially how we don’t acknowledge each other at all anymore.

I recently saw him for the first time in 3 months at a party last week (since I was out of town), and sadly we just walked past each other like strangers. It is my way of protecting myself from hurt by not seeing his indifference if I were to engage with him, and clearly, he has no wish to try to patch things up with me either. 

[NuevoYorko]

Yes, of course you need to completely move on from this unhealthy obsession.  "Moving on," in this case, will include saying "hi" and acting normal, as if he were anyone else in your social group, when you happen to encounter him.  Pointedly ignoring him is, frankly, quite outstandingly weird behavior and not part of "moving on."  

Do you have some good friends?  You wrote above that you have always prioritized quality of friendships over quantity of friends.  It seems like it would be helpful for you to try to connect more with people with whom you've developed quality friendships, rather than becoming extremely attached in one day to a stranger.   

If you're feeling lonely and isolated, this might be a good time for you to get some counseling to help you resolve this in ways that may well be much more rewarding and certainly more appropriate than the way things went down with this poor fellow.   Where he's concerned:  Be polite and leave it alone. 

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It might be like that now, but at the time, it was mutual.

Perhaps in the very beginning it was mutual, but it rather quickly became very awkward and one sided - and that was your cue to bow out graciously. 

Life is full of twists and turns and “what-if’s” - we can’t spend the rest of our lives mourning all the “what-if’s.” The simple truth here is that he has made his feelings very clear - if you continue to try to pursue a friendship with him now, it will be completely one-sided. Let this go, look forward not backwards - and be kind and gracious to the man when you see him at an event. Just say hello and move on to find someone else with whom you can visit. 

Edited June 17, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I ruined it by pushing him into something he wasn’t yet ready for. It is upsetting, the ‘what might have been’

Be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes and if you learned from this experience, it was not wasted. 

27 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It is upsetting, and especially how we don’t acknowledge each other at all anymore.

As I said, there is nothing stopping you from saying hello on your way to talk with another person. You can think of him as an acquaintance now - not a close friend. 

[SingFish]

40 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I just felt such a good vibe with him, that I feel so sad it was the first and last time we hung out.

You have the memory of a fun day.

People who blow hot and cold have their own issues going on and it's frustrating because we don't know what just happened. 

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I know it was my own impatience and paranoia that threw a spanner into the works and got us to this ‘stranger’ stage where we are at now. 

Probably not. He was looking at other people and you weren't a priority. 

Don't think 'oh I ruined everything' or you'll end up walking on eggshells and second-guessing yourself in future.

We've all had these intense 'might have been' brief encounters which led nowhere, don't dwell on it now. 

[ShyViolet]

He has made it very clear to you, multiple times, that he is not interested in you, either as a romantic interest or as a friend.  You need to accept that and leave him alone.  Don't put yourself in a position of desperation by chasing him yet again.  

[Lotsgoingon]

You were never friends. You were flirting from the start. That's not friends .I have friends who I have felt attraction for, but I didn't flirt with them or they with me and that's what allowed us to become friends. 

Let's get clear on what a friend is. I'm a guy who has lots of women friends. The sign that they are really friends: I can call up these women and tell them about my experiences with meeting women I'm romantically interested in--and that's cool. 

They tell me about their relationships, including marriages. I can hug my women friends and stay in the friends zone-platonic zone. Doesn't mean I think they're unattractive, but we just didn't go down that road. Actually one of my closest friends IS a woman I dated--briefly. For the most part we were friends. 

You and this guy NEVER were friends. 

[glows]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks Bailey. I just felt such a good vibe with him, that I feel so sad it was the first and last time we hung out. He was interested in spending more time with me back then, but then I ruined it by pushing him into something he wasn’t yet ready for. It is upsetting, the ‘what might have been’, and especially how we don’t acknowledge each other at all anymore.

I recently saw him for the first time in 3 months at a party last week (since I was out of town), and sadly we just walked past each other like strangers. It is my way of protecting myself from hurt by not seeing his indifference if I were to engage with him, and clearly, he has no wish to try to patch things up with me either. 

Well, no, as there was nothing to patch up. It took off on the wrong foot and nothing came of this friendship. Let it blow over and maybe refrain from going to any events where you think he’ll be going forward. Give this group a break. 

Are you going to other meet ups and meeting other people?

[introverted1]

23 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I am wondering whether to just let this all go and put it behind me

It's past time to let this go.  You were at best friendly for a brief time, never actual friends.  And, in fact, it's clear that your interest is romantic, not friendly.  No doubt he knew/knows this.

His actions (and inactions) make it clear that he has moved on.  It's time for you to do the same.

[babybrowns]

Thanks for your replies everyone. I know that some of you have encouraged me to just be cordial with this man and say ‘hello’ when I see him at parties, but in truth this would just upset me. I’d rather enjoy the event without having to face his indifference/efforts to not lead me on when I talk to him and to have that ruin my night. He won’t care either way anyway, so why ruin my night with greeting him.

So the decision I guess is that I’ll continue to ignore him while he continues to ignore me, and will try to enjoy the event alongside the sadness that comes with this. The good memories of the short but wonderful time we had together will always stay, I’m just grateful for that experience.
 

But this difference between then and now does make me quite sad when his presence is there at parties I go to and we are total strangers. What @glows suggested about potentially going to different events to what he’s going to is a way to guarantee I’ll not have this ruining the evening for me and can genuinely be happy talking to other people without this mental distraction. So I might do that. 

[Lisa]

Continuation of previously closed thread