Darcus30 Posted June 17, 2022 Share Posted June 17, 2022 (edited) Hi all, this is my 1st post, typed several times and deleted as I'm new to this, pls no haters. I'm a 48 Yr old single male and have been having an affair with a woman (not married) but with same partner for 20 years, she has 2 children aged 8 and 12. We were friends 15 yrs ago after meeting at the gym, we were gum buddies, chatting away whilst working out together, we both flirted but never went any further than that. Then she got pregnant so left the gym, we always stayed in and out of contact via work email only. Skip forward 15 yrs and she cane back to the gym, we hit it off as before although this time she spoke about how she didn't love her partner - only as the father of her kids. Things progressed and we hit the sauna, jacuzzi. Chatting away, this went on for months, nothing happened then we kissed, we started meeting up at lunchtimes at my house and had amazing sex (both thought the same) Here we are now 1 year on still meeting up and deeply in love. Shes wants to leave him but doesn't know how amd does not want to ruin the kids lives but says she is unhappy. Says we are soul mates - I love her so much too but tike part is like a knife through the heart, thinking of her in bed with him, she holds off sex for weeks with him giving excuses but eventually has to cave, she's open and tells me as I wanted to know rather than wonder. She hates it and says she feels unfaithful to me . She messages me and calls at ebmvery opertunity but I want to show our love to evertmyone, do normal things as does she. I guess I'm asking for any advice, she says I'm the love of her life. Lost without her with Me but what do we do next? I've never been in an affair before and it wasn't planned at all, started as a bit of fun. I know what we're doing is wrong but we can't stop, pls dont judge. Thanks for listening Edited June 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator correct title Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 17, 2022 Share Posted June 17, 2022 26 minutes ago, Darcus30 said: I'm a 48 Yr old single male and have been having an affair with a woman. we always stayed in and out of contact via work email only. Skip forward 15 yrs and she cane back to the gym Are you recently out of a relationship? What led you to agree to this? Well she's not leaving her partner (because of the children) so this may end in heartache when her partner finds out. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2022 Share Posted June 17, 2022 Does she live with her partner or is she legally married? If she's unhappy with her partner she can leave no matter what she tells you. She of course will have shared custody of their kids. The kids will not lose their father unless he's abusing them and that doesn't sound like the case. I'm sorry but cheaters want their cake and eat it too. She is putting both of you in danger sneaking around on her partner behind his back. She could leave to be with you if she really wanted to, but it's easier for her to stay and cheat. You deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darcus30 Posted June 17, 2022 Author Share Posted June 17, 2022 Aww thank you I never expected a response from anyone as I lmow I'm doing wrong! She's not married, says husband isn't a bad person but doesn't love him, I sit here on my own just thinking about her, never thought this would happen always took it for what it was but feelings developed, not proud of it by any means Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darcus30 Posted June 17, 2022 Author Share Posted June 17, 2022 15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you recently out of a relationship? What led you to agree to this? Well she's not leaving her partner (because of the children) so this may end in heartache when her partner finds out. No I've been single for 2 yrs. It just happened never planned it Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 17, 2022 Share Posted June 17, 2022 (edited) On 6/17/2022 at 1:19 PM, Darcus30 said: Aww thank you I never expected a response from anyone as I lmow I'm doing wrong! She's not married, says husband isn't a bad person but doesn't love him, I sit here on my own just thinking about her, never thought this would happen always took it for what it was but feelings developed, not proud of it by any means [] Unfortunately you'll continue to get hurt like this the longer you stay with a person who cheats on their partner. She'll have to speak to an attorney about splitting ways common law with her partner and custody of children if she wants to leave. If she's too afraid to do it, can't support herself, has no means, feels trapped or indebted, or in any way not motivated to leave her partner, you will get hurt. Affairs like this can go on for many many years depending on the parties. Just make sure you don't waste your life away in pain and suffering being the hidden affair partner of someone who keeps keeping you a secret if you want more out of a relationship. Edited June 19, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Off topic 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darcus30 Posted June 18, 2022 Author Share Posted June 18, 2022 I know ita not right but neither of us want to end it - we"re in too deep Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 18, 2022 Share Posted June 18, 2022 2 hours ago, Darcus30 said: I know ita not right but neither of us want to end it - we"re in too deep “In too deep” is relative. People divorce with assets, children, other complications and issues, costing far more than a broken heart. I’d explore why this situation appeals to you. You’re hurting yourself in the long run running on your emotions only and not thinking about what this is doing to you. If you wish to stay in it no one can stop you. Did you witness affairs when you were young? Does her not being married make this less worse in your eyes? Is it her stories about him that keep you coming back? Cheaters avoid their reality. In the same way she’s avoiding her reality she’s also avoiding you and a real life with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18, 2022 Share Posted June 18, 2022 2 hours ago, Darcus30 said: I know ita not right but neither of us want to end it - we"re in too deep Well, then, you'll just have to accept things as they are. She's not leaving her partner. So there is no way things can go any further than this with you. It's what you sign up for when you engage in an affair with someone who has no real plans to leave their relationship: unfulfilled expecations, unmet needs, and overall lack of true closeness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2022 Share Posted June 18, 2022 (edited) 18 hours ago, Darcus30 said: I guess I'm asking for any advice, she says I'm the love of her life. Shes wants to leave him but doesn't know how amd does not want to ruin the kids lives but says she is unhappy. Says we are soul mates - I love her so much too but tike part is like a knife through the heart, thinking of her in bed with him, she holds off sex for weeks with him giving excuses but eventually has to cave, she's open and tells me as I wanted to know rather than wonder. She hates it and says she feels unfaithful to me . I hate to say it but this is right out of the textbook. Very typical talk for a woman who is cheating on her partner. And unfortunately, you have bought every word. If you read this site you will see that you are not the only man to fall for a woman who has absolutely no intention of leaving her partner and her children. Does not matter that they are not married - they are in a long term committed relationship and they have children together. If she wanted to be with you, she could file for divorce tomorrow. The fact that she hasn’t done so in the past two years tells you what her priorities and her intentions are. Your choice is to accept the status quo or end the relationship. Unfortunately, a legitimate relationship with this woman is not an option… because, she is committed to another man and she has made no attempt to change that. Have you considered the idea that you don’t actually want a legitimate relationship with this woman? How’s it going to feel to be the husband sitting at home when she stays late at work or goes to the gym alone? When people show you who they really are - believe them. This woman has no problem being in a relationship with two men - one of those relationships a secret sexual affair. If the one thing you know about this woman is that she is lying to her partner - what makes you believe that she is being honest with you? Ignore that information at your own peril. Edited June 18, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2022 Share Posted June 18, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, Darcus30 said: I know ita not right but neither of us want to end it - we"re in too deep Unfortunately, she is also “in too deep” with her partner to want to end that relationship. And, if we consider the two relationships - “married” with children trumps two year affair almost every time. You have a rather romanticized view of this relationship. Affairs are wonderful experiences in that the feelings are intense and heightened even more by the secrecy and the fact that you can not be together. These relationships tend to fail spectacularly in the light of day and with the stress of real life. If I had any advice for you, it would be to try and look objectively at this relationship and stop romanticizing. Right now, the narrative is basically - “we are star crossed lovers who had a spark that burned for years before we really found each other - and now we are kept apart by circumstances beyond our control…” In truth, you are two people that met at the gym many years ago. Some time later, you crossed the boundary and established an inappropriate relationship. She is married - engaging in behavior that is hurtful to her husband and children and you are complicit in this betrayal. And, she is hurting you - because she knows that she has no intention to leave her family but she continues to whisper sweet words in your ear while using you for her own selfish purpose. She is not a woman who should be trusted - she is a deceitful and an unfaithful partner. If she is “the love of your life,” then that is concerning. Edited June 18, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darcus30 Posted June 18, 2022 Author Share Posted June 18, 2022 I know ita not right but neither of us want to end it - if she doesn't love her husband is it fair to spend the rest of her life with him rather than upset others. Surely 2 children are better living with parents separated and happy other than 2 parents together arguing all the time Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Darcus30 said: If she doesn't love her husband is it fair to spend the rest of her life with him rather than upset others. It doesn't matter what you or we think. This is entirely her decision to make. Thing is, her marriage may be loveless, but it's clearly tolerable enough for her to stay. As a mother, things would have to be really terrible for me to break the family unit with divorce. Edited June 19, 2022 by basil67 4 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 (edited) 9 hours ago, Darcus30 said: I know ita not right but neither of us want to end it - if she doesn't love her husband is it fair to spend the rest of her life with him rather than upset others. Surely 2 children are better living with parents separated and happy other than 2 parents together arguing all the time [] She doesn’t have to spend the rest of her life with anyone if she doesn’t wish to but she’s may decide to. You’ll have to make peace with being someone’s clandestine partner or sidepiece as painful as it is if she doesn’t ever leave him. You can’t control someone else but you do have control over your own actions and how you choose to live your life. Going along with someone else based on pure emotion is very foolish. Edited June 19, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Off topic Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, Darcus30 said: Surely 2 children are better living with parents separated and happy other than 2 parents together arguing all the time I would agree that children are better off if parents separate when the alternative is a family unit which is so broken that the kids are miserable. But are they arguing all the time? Are the kids miserable? And if this is what she tells you, is it actually true...or could it be exaggerated? From what you write, it sounds like you don't have children. For perspective, I walked away from my first marriage (no kids) relatively easily because I was unhappy. Sign the dotted line and it's all over. Easy peasy. Second time around, long term defacto but now with kids, things would have to be intolerable for the children before I would break the family unit. I can't even begin to imagine it. Thing is, once you have kids, it stops being about what the individual wants and instead, it's about what truly is best for the whole family unit. If the two of them can function as a couple and the kids aren't in distress, it will be very difficult for her to leave. I know she says you're her soul mate, but the two of you have never had to live together doing the daily routine and putting up with all the annoying things that partners do. You're just getting the exciting bits and lovely fantasy. Edited June 19, 2022 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, Darcus30 said: Surely 2 children are better living with parents separated and happy other than 2 parents together arguing all the time You are making the assumption that they are unhappily coupled and that they argue all the time. You are not present in the home, your only source of information is the woman herself… And, what do you know about this woman? You know for a fact that she is capable of lying and deceiving her partner because she is sleeping with you. So, what makes you think that she is not lying to you about the fact that she doesn’t love her husband and she doesn’t want to have sex with him? The reality may be very different. There is nothing stopping the woman from leaving the man - people do it everyday, the file for divorce and you are correct, the children do fine when their parents separate/divorce. If she is choosing to stay it is because that is where she wants to be - with her family. If things are not good good with her partner, you may in fact be making life tolerable by providing the affection and attention she seeks but does not find in her relationship. Have you considered that possibility? Edited June 19, 2022 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 10 hours ago, Darcus30 said: Surely 2 children are better living with parents separated and happy other than 2 parents together arguing all the time They're not exactly better off with a mom who cheats, either. She is risking blowing apart their entire world. You also have no real idea what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe they argue all the time, or maybe she exaggerates that to justify cheating on him. But even if they do argue constantly, your view on what is better for the kids is irrelevant. What will probably happen is what usually happens with affairs: either her husband finds out and she cuts you off in an effort to save the marriage she told you she was so unhappy with. Or she eventually starts to feel guilty (or loses interest) and distances herself from you. Her actually leaving him to be with you is an extremely unlikely outcome. Keep that in mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 Well, I don’t know, this looks complicated. Good thing is she’s not married. That makes her separation easier. If you’re both serious about a future together, you need to start planning. That’s the most important thing - make a plan! Her partner needs to be informed, the children as well, then you need to have some kind of a schedule in place, time wise, and then figure out where (she is going) to live (together or separately), and so on. It’s going to be a lot of planning, and if she’s smart she’ll look for her own place, because no good mother will move in with “the new” guy (stepdad!) right away after leaving the father of her children. You also don’t want to live with elementary school kids, trust me! You’ll need to build a relationship with those kids first, slowly and steadily. So yes - it sounds like you have a lot of challenges ahead of you, and so does she. But you wouldn’t be the first couple to start out that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darcus30 Posted June 19, 2022 Author Share Posted June 19, 2022 Thank you, the plan is, to leave her partner, without the Affair being discovered then getting her own place and we start dating casually, slowly introduced to the children if that makes sense Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 (edited) On 6/17/2022 at 4:21 PM, Darcus30 said: No I've been single for 2 yrs. It just happened never planned it Well you're not exclusive if she is going home to her partner and children at night. So while she decides you can date single available women. It's better than being strung along with the "we're like roommates" and "don't want to hurt my children" lines, wishing and hoping in vain. It puts you back in control of your life and happiness rather than it being contingent on her whims and what is really going on at home for her. Edited June 19, 2022 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: So while she decides you can date single available women. If he pauses the relationship with the married woman - while she takes the time she needs to settle her affairs and get her children settled. Otherwise, it’s a pretty crappy thing to do to the women that he dates - particularly if he is not honest and he does not tell them that there is another, married affair partner in the picture with whom he is having sex - and she is having sex with her partner. Full disclosure, it’s not fair to expose any women to STDs or to allow them to develop feelings if your intent is to pass the time while waiting to get with your affair partner if/when she is ever available. Edited June 19, 2022 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 2 hours ago, Darcus30 said: Thank you, the plan is, to leave her partner, without the Affair being discovered then getting her own place and we start dating casually, slowly introduced to the children if that makes sense What steps has she taken to begin to put this plan in place? And, how long are you prepared to wait for her to leave her partner and get her life settled? I ask because words without actions mean nothing. And, settling finances with her partner, establishing a new living arrangement, getting her children settled before introducing them to another man takes time - realistically, years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 Well, ideally OP can put everything on hold until she’s at least moved out. I’m not encouraging pressure, but that might motivate her. Like if he tells her “hey look, you’re with somebody else right now, and I am single and I also don't want to miss out on anything, so let’s just put things on hold until you’ve got your own place. And if I can help you with anything, let me know. But I won’t wait for you in idle mode until then…” - that’s what I would do 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 2 minutes ago, BrinnM said: so let’s just put things on hold until you’ve got your own place. Definitely tell her this. This will let you know if she's serious or not. If she really is in love with you and not her partner she won't be able to stand not seeing and being with you and will make a move. If not, you are no longer wasting your time on someone else's girl. She isn't even married to this guy. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 (edited) 14 minutes ago, stillafool said: Married people fall in love with others, tell their spouses the truth and divorce. Surely this woman can do this with a boyfriend she isn't even married to. Ideally, yes, but they rarely do this. A long-term R is pretty much the same as a marriage, honestly. Especially with kids involved. You have the same involvement with friend circles and family, and everybody will have an opinion, they will be disappointed and surprised. It’s a lot to deal with. And honestly, I don’t think it’s very common that somebody who’s married falls in love with somebody else and then outright tells the spouse hey I’m in love with somebody else - They just try to cover it up and just get a divorce for other reasons. Same applies to long-term relationships. …. but I understand your point - this is how it SHOULD be done. Stand up for yourself and be truthful. Be authentic. It hardly ever happens though. People don’t wanna be the bad guy, they don’t want to hurt anybody and they don’t wanna be looked at as somebody who is flaky, impulsive, and a liar and a cheater. Most of all, they do not want to jeopardize their relationship with their children. Edited June 19, 2022 by BrinnM Link to post Share on other sites
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