Having an affair

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

I knew she wasn't mine when I signed up for this but didn't expect these intense feelings. It's hard wanting to be with someone you know is with someone else.

Nothing is stopping you from dating other women, since you are not exclusive.

[Darcus30]

I know but I don't think I could, sounds cheesey I know but I'm in love.

Been going on for over a year now, I thought affairs only last a few months tops 

[ExpatInItaly]

36 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Been going on for over a year now, I thought affairs only last a few months tops 

Then you should dig just a little deeper on this forum. Some have been going on for years. And that should tell you something about how these stories end up (ie. not with the affair partners winding up together) 

It will continue like this. Are you prepared for more lonely Saturday nights? That's what you can expect from here on out.

[Darcus30]

No I don't think I can carry on anymore! Thank you for taking the time to answer Me

[Bubble_20]

1 hour ago, Darcus30 said:

I know but I don't think I could, sounds cheesey I know but I'm in love.

Been going on for over a year now, I thought affairs only last a few months tops 

The MM I was involved with lasted three years! So yeah, you can be dragged along for ages waiting for something (that you have absolutely no control of) to happen. 
 

[Darcus30]

Thank you, was you like Me then? Hanging on for the call/message? Always available?

How are you now, did you heal? X

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

she says tell me how to do it and I will.

Quite simply, she tells her partner that the relationship has run it’s course. One of them must find another place to live. They must visit a lawyer to discuss the division of assets and the custody arrangement for the children. And then - she is free to pursue any relationship she chooses…

Is it easy, no. But - people do it Every. Single. Day.  

Most don’t have another individual waiting in the wings. But, relationships end, people get divorced, children adapt… if she wanted to make it happen, there is literally nothing stopping her from making the decision.

My advice - you tell her either - a) she can contact you when she is single or b) you set a timeline how how long you are willing to hang on before you end it if she hasn’t left her partner. 

 

Edited June 25, 2022 by BaileyB

[Bubble_20]

1 hour ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you, was you like Me then? Hanging on for the call/message? Always available?

How are you now, did you heal? X

When push came to shove, he didn’t want to hurt his family or have to live on a huge reduction in his salary.
He also quite liked living in the house he’d paid into for a decade and wasn’t about to turf his kids out in order to sell it and split the proceeds. 
Despite the ‘connection’ we had for years, I just wasn’t worth the hassle. And I totally get that. He made the right choice for his family… but he reaches out constantly with no intention to actually see me. He probably misses the daily banter and free sex. 
In terms of healing? I’m getting there very slowly. Mostly I feel disgusted and disappointed with myself that I doted on another woman’s husband for so long. I came away with nothing which, unfortunately is what most OW/OM discover they are left with when these things grind to a halt. 
 

People do what they want/need to do. many years ago I left a relationship when my daughter was three years old. I was desperately unhappy with her dad and could see no future with him. It was incredibly difficult but I had to leave. It took a while, but we coparent very well. I don’t think the attached woman in your case really wants to leave her relationship badly enough. I’m sorry to say. She’s coasting along with you until it becomes too challenging (you make demands), or her partner finds out. 

I don’t wish to belittle your feelings but the reality of you being together, with her kids struggling to accept life with part time parents and God knows what other stresses from her partner, family members and any financial challenges will throw cold water on the previously idyllic snatched time you used to enjoy. 
it’s just not the same. 
 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Bubble_20 said:

I don’t wish to belittle your feelings but the reality of you being together, with her kids struggling to accept life with part time parents and God knows what other stresses from her partner, family members and any financial challenges will throw cold water on the previously idyllic snatched time you used to enjoy. 
it’s just not the same. 

Love doesn’t conquer all. It’s rather naive to think that it does, but so many come on this board with this idyllic version of their affair partner, the relationship they share, and what they hope their future will be… It’s far from reality.

The truth is OP, your happiness is not to be found with another man’s common-law wife. Maybe for a few fleeting moments, but at some point you will need to accept that life is complicated, people can be deceptive, and if you want to find your happy ending you will need to chose a woman who is available to be in a relationship with you - 

Edited June 25, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

No I don't think I can carry on anymore! 

Then you know what to do. She isn't going to leave her partner.  She knows perfectly well how to leave him. She's not clueless. She just doesn't want to. Make no mistake, she isn't keen on shaking up her own life that much. This current arrangement works very nicely for her - "secure" family life and excitement on the side. 

So, it's up to you to walk away if this is not enough for you anymore. Because when push comes to shove, she won't be choosing you. 

 

[anika99]

OP I don't think your affair partner is ever going to leave her partner. If she was serious about wanting to be with you she would have taken some action by now. I think cheaters are more likely to leave early in the affair when they are swept up in infatuation and lust. Once the newness begins to wear off the cheater realizes that AP is just another person, not a magical unicorn that's going to take them away to a land of eternal happiness and fulfillment. Once the affair is over a year old then it just becomes another situation that the cheater has to manage and manipulate. 

[Darcus30]

Thank you for being honest, just so hard as I thought we were going to make it 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, anika99 said:

I think cheaters are more likely to leave early in the affair when they are swept up in infatuation and lust. Once the newness begins to wear off the cheater realizes that AP is just another person

The longer the affair continues, I think the cheater realizes that their affair partner is willing to settle for the status quo - settle for “less.” There is no incentive to change things when it’s not required…

Don’t fool yourself OP, you believe that you love her too much to end the relationship - you’ve said as much here. If you don’t believe it’s possible, she has no reason to doubt you. She’s probably feeling pretty secure keeping the status quo at the moment…

Edited June 26, 2022 by BaileyB

[Darcus30]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The longer the affair continues, I think the cheater realizes that their affair partner is willing to settle for the status quo - settle for “less.” There is no incentive to change things when it’s not required…

Don’t fool yourself OP, you believe that you love her too much to end the relationship - you’ve said as much here. If you don’t believe it’s possible, she has no reason to doubt you. She’s probably feeling pretty secure keeping the status quo at the moment…

So should I give her an ultimatum? 

[BaileyB]

59 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

So should I give her an ultimatum? 

As I said earlier - it will either prompt her to make a decision or the relationship will end and you will be free to find another, healthier relationship for yourself. Either way, you are in a better position than you are right now - waiting indefinitely, for something that may never happen. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Darcus30 said:

So should I give her an ultimatum? 

Not unless you're willing to enforce it and walk away forever. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Darcus30 said:

So should I give her an ultimatum? 

You could, but she will pick her children and their father. She has the entire time you are together. 

[Darcus30]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

As I said earlier - it will either prompt her to make a decision or the relationship will end and you will be free to find another, healthier relationship for yourself. Either way, you are in a better position than you are right now - waiting indefinitely, for something that may never happen. 

I know it sounds sad buy can't see/,imagine  me wanting  to be with anyone else 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Darcus30 said:

I know it sounds sad buy can't see/,imagine  me wanting  to be with anyone else 

Not yet, but one day you will. You will eventually get tired of always being second place. 

And keep in mind, many affairs don't survive the transition to relationship. A lot of these affairs continue precisely because they only really function in a vacuum and not in daily reality. Once they are free to be together all the time, well, many fall apart. That's when you really get to know what it's like dating the other person, and it's often not the fantasy they had in their heads. 

In addition to the daily annoyances we all experience, there is the major question of trust. You know what she's like, and that she's capable of deception on a pretty grand scale. She is not an honest woman. It would be foolish to assume that would not present problems for you, if you finally got her all to yourself. Because the moment she seemed distant with you, or distracted on her phone, you can be darn sure you would be wondering who has replaced you as her secret distraction. 

[Darcus30]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not yet, but one day you will. You will eventually get tired of always being second place. 

And keep in mind, many affairs don't survive the transition to relationship. A lot of these affairs continue precisely because they only really function in a vacuum and not in daily reality. Once they are free to be together all the time, well, many fall apart. That's when you really get to know what it's like dating the other person, and it's often not the fantasy they had in their heads. 

In addition to the daily annoyances we all experience, there is the major question of trust. You know what she's like, and that she's capable of deception on a pretty grand scale. She is not an honest woman. It would be foolish to assume that would not present problems for you, if you finally got her all to yourself. Because the moment she seemed distant with you, or distracted on her phone, you can be darn sure you would be wondering who has replaced you as her secret distraction. 

Thank you that's all very true, never thought of it like that.  sound as if you've been in my position  in the past.

[Bubble_20]

1 minute ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you that's all very true, never thought of it like that.  sound as if you've been in my position  in the past.

There is literally hundreds of pages of posts on here from people who have been where you are. I wanted to believe that my situation was unique too and there are a couple of posters who did end up with their affair partner. However, the difference between those people and probably you is that their affair partner got the ball rolling to leave their spouse pretty quickly. 

The “I love you’s” are easy enough to say in text messages or in bed but at some point they need to be backed up by action. Otherwise you start to exist on breadcrumbs of affection/attention not quite knowing when the next time will come. This intermittent reward scheme if you like, fuels the desire and intensifies the emotions. It will at some point, drain the life out of you and it’s a very miserable, lonely place to be as I’m sure you’re now finding out.

 

[Darcus30]

10 minutes ago, Bubble_20 said:

There is literally hundreds of pages of posts on here from people who have been where you are. I wanted to believe that my situation was unique too and there are a couple of posters who did end up with their affair partner. However, the difference between those people and probably you is that their affair partner got the ball rolling to leave their spouse pretty quickly. 

The “I love you’s” are easy enough to say in text messages or in bed but at some point they need to be backed up by action. Otherwise you start to exist on breadcrumbs of affection/attention not quite knowing when the next time will come. This intermittent reward scheme if you like, fuels the desire and intensifies the emotions. It will at some point, drain the life out of you and it’s a very miserable, lonely place to be as I’m sure you’re now finding out.

 

Thank you, all   very true, as you said, you long for the phone to ping and get thst message, little hit of dopamine,  then flat again until the  next call or meet.

I never planned on this and wouldn't ever contemplate it again 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you that's all very true, never thought of it like that.  sound as if you've been in my position  in the past.

No, I have not. 

But I have a couple friends and a family member who have. None of them are with their former affair partners today. 

[Bubble_20]

If you can’t cut ties completely right now then maybe try and create some space between you. I know it’s the last thing you’ll want to do but if nothing else it’ll send a clear message that you’re not happy for this situation to go on indefinitely. This will be YOUR action when there doesn’t appear to be anything  happening on her side. 
Other posters have offered some ways to do this.

If you did wind up being together, you’ve got a hell of a bumpy ride ahead but at least this way you’re starting off by taking some control. Sadly, you don’t seem to have any right now. 

[Confused8647]

OP, I have been in a position much like your's. You can read my thread! 

 

I am a month down the line than you are, but I am now realising my AP chose her partner (not married) and children, and as many comment on here states, I understand that she did not want to break up a home and destroy her children's lives for me. She could have, but didn't. I am now in a much better place than I was. I too like you thought she was the one, my soul mate, that I will never love anyone like her again, but now i feel different. I think about her all the time and might read a book and think, she would like this, but and here is the big but. I don't know what to even say to here anymore, the desire to speak to her and here her voice is going. I wish things were different. I can assure you, it does get easier.

If i was you I would just leaver her be. As has been stated she is still with her partner and not making any effort to leave and be with you, much like my AP and mine lasted a year and half but had kind of been off and on for about 5 years. I wish you well, but unfortunately, this will not end well and you have many bad days to come, when it is all consuming, but you will get there.