Having an affair

[Darcus30]

21 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

Darcus trust me. The pain you are going to feel soon is like nothing you have ever felt before. You start to question your sanity and think was it worth it. I know I will always love my AP and want the best for her, but i know she has moved on and is concentrating on her family which I completely respect. The sad thing is we have gone from speaking everyday, messaging every day, to I don’t know what I would say to her if she ever reached out or I saw her. I implore you, walk away, she is not the one for you and never will be!

Thank you so much for your response, knowing that you've been in my position to offer advice. 

So do you think she will end it then, she does sound sincere when she says she wants to leave!  Never wants to go home when we are together.

How long did it take for you to heal my friend?  It really does feel like proper love, We even say we are soul mates .

But not going to lie, I'm single and the evenings when she's with partner and I can't message is horrid. I obsess  of what they are doing - is this normal? 

I've started getting jealous, but so does she if she sees me talking to another female 

Thank you  

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

I've started getting jealous, but so does she if she sees me talking to another female 

This is just not healthy, any way that you look at it. I’m sorry Darcus, but even if she does actually decide to leave her partner - this is just not going to be a healthy relationship for you. 

[Bubble_20]

8 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

 So do you think she will end it then, she does sound sincere when she says she wants to leave!  Never wants to go home when we are together.

My AP used to say that all the time too. Also, the soul mate stuff and if only things could be different (he didn’t want to hurt his kids etc). He probably meant it at the time while we were tangled up in bed or hugging on the sofa. 
Like you, I’m also single and while he went home to his family and compartmentalised our ‘relationship’ and got on with his life (until the next time), I was left feeling alone and love sick for someone else’s husband. 
 

This carried on for three years. Neither of us wanted to end things but he certainly got the better deal (secret and exciting side relationship to ease the boredom) while I consistently put my real life on hold until I saw him next. It’s no way to live. 
It was incredibly painful when he ended things but if he hadn’t, I dread to think how many more years this would have carried on for. I switch between feeling angry at him and myself for allowing this to happen, or depressed and pathetic. You’ll have to learn to navigate this rollercoaster of emotions too and know that life will get better. It’s harder when you’re alone but you have to try and get out there. And not in the hope that you can make her jealous and want you more (I used to do that),  it’s a hollow victory which doesn’t change the situation- they’ll still stay with their spouse, despite them feeling jealous!. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

she does sound sincere when she says she wants to leave

Darcus, they all do. 

Your affair is no different from most others, which you will see if you read around on this forum. And look how the vast majority ended - they didn't run off into the sunset together. Your story gives almost nothing to suggest the ending will be any different for you. 

[Darcus30]

1 hour ago, Bubble_20 said:

My AP used to say that all the time too. Also, the soul mate stuff and if only things could be different (he didn’t want to hurt his kids etc). He probably meant it at the time while we were tangled up in bed or hugging on the sofa. 
Like you, I’m also single and while he went home to his family and compartmentalised our ‘relationship’ and got on with his life (until the next time), I was left feeling alone and love sick for someone else’s husband. 
 

This carried on for three years. Neither of us wanted to end things but he certainly got the better deal (secret and exciting side relationship to ease the boredom) while I consistently put my real life on hold until I saw him next. It’s no way to live. 
It was incredibly painful when he ended things but if he hadn’t, I dread to think how many more years this would have carried on for. I switch between feeling angry at him and myself for allowing this to happen, or depressed and pathetic. You’ll have to learn to navigate this rollercoaster of emotions too and know that life will get better. It’s harder when you’re alone but you have to try and get out there. And not in the hope that you can make her jealous and want you more (I used to do that),  it’s a hollow victory which doesn’t change the situation- they’ll still stay with their spouse, despite them feeling jealous!. 

Thank you, can I ask if he didn't end it would you of still be with him do you think? Would you if ever had the courage too.

Also what made him end it?

Thank you . I'm a mess lol, not heard from her all last night 

[Darcus30]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Darcus, they all do. 

Your affair is no different from most others, which you will see if you read around on this forum. And look how the vast majority ended - they didn't run off into the sunset together. Your story gives almost nothing to suggest the ending will be any different for you. 

Also it seems to be stopping me sleeping and eating properly - seems to be on my mind 24 hours a day. 

It's crazy you just sit almost watching the phone waiting for that message. What started as a but of fun has taken over, she says I'm never off her mind too, do you think this is true? 

Thank you 

[basil67]

We can't tell you if it's true.  But if it is true, then both of you are losing your minds over something which isn't going to happen.   Don't be mistaken in thinking she's going to tear her family apart for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

What started as a but of fun has taken over, she says I'm never off her mind too, do you think this is true? 

Not to the same extent as you. 

She has a whole life at home: a partner, kids. She is busy doing things with them, not sitting by her phone waiting to hear from you. 

[Darcus30]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not to the same extent as you. 

She has a whole life at home: a partner, kids. She is busy doing things with them, not sitting by her phone waiting to hear from you. 

I know I do look at myself and laugh sometimes thinking, what the hell are you doing 

[Bubble_20]

3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you, can I ask if he didn't end it would you of still be with him do you think? Would you if ever had the courage too.

Also what made him end it?

Thank you . I'm a mess lol, not heard from her all last night 

I got fed up many times when he would cancel last minute because of something to do with the kids or a problem in his house. I would justify this poor treatment by telling myself it wasn’t his fault his kid got sick etc. This is why it dragged on for years.

Occasionally he’d feel guilty and we’d agree to end things only to circle back a couple of weeks later because we missed each other. He still reaches out now, with wishy washy romantic sentiments but he has no intention of changing his ‘lonely’ marriage. The truth is, things just aren’t THAT bad at home for him.
Sure, I miss him. We knew each other for years before anything physical happened which makes it harder to emotionally cut him out, but there are other people out there. I would never be able to trust him and him me considering how our relationship began.
When you remove the physical and emotional elements of the affair and focus on the AP, honestly how appealing is someone who can’t stand up for what they proclaim to want in their life (you) and take the necessary actions. 

It’s going to be very difficult, but you have to try and put some distance between you and AP. You can do this kindly and without any drama by telling her you’re unhappy with this situation. 
Nothing is going to change if you simply carry on doing what you’ve been doing. 
Many of us have been there. Waiting for the text notification. Wondering if you’ll see them this week or not or if they’re thinking of you. The thing is, ruminating and second guessing doesn’t invoke any change. Action does. 
I sometimes feel that me even being on this forum is still giving my MM some power and emotional energy when I should be living more purposefully. I guess we all want to try and help others and push them away from the pitfalls that are waiting for you. It’s up to you at the end of the day though. 

Edited July 2, 2022 by Bubble_20

[Darcus30]

45 minutes ago, Bubble_20 said:

I got fed up many times when he would cancel last minute because of something to do with the kids or a problem in his house. I would justify this poor treatment by telling myself it wasn’t his fault his kid got sick etc. This is why it dragged on for years.

Occasionally he’d feel guilty and we’d agree to end things only to circle back a couple of weeks later because we missed each other. He still reaches out now, with wishy washy romantic sentiments but he has no intention of changing his ‘lonely’ marriage. The truth is, things just aren’t THAT bad at home for him.
Sure, I miss him. We knew each other for years before anything physical happened which makes it harder to emotionally cut him out, but there are other people out there. I would never be able to trust him and him me considering how our relationship began.
When you remove the physical and emotional elements of the affair and focus on the AP, honestly how appealing is someone who can’t stand up for what they proclaim to want in their life (you) and take the necessary actions. 

It’s going to be very difficult, but you have to try and put some distance between you and AP. You can do this kindly and without any drama by telling her you’re unhappy with this situation. 
Nothing is going to change if you simply carry on doing what you’ve been doing. 
Many of us have been there. Waiting for the text notification. Wondering if you’ll see them this week or not or if they’re thinking of you. The thing is, ruminating and second guessing doesn’t invoke any change. Action does. 
I sometimes feel that me even being on this forum is still giving my MM some power and emotional energy when I should be living more purposefully. I guess we all want to try and help others and push them away from the pitfalls that are waiting for you. It’s up to you at the end of the day though. 

Thank you for your honest response. I'm genuinely shocked on here at how many others are in the same situation. 

Whatever happens I would never ever embark on an affair again, I wouldnt wish this torture on my worst enemy.

Yes we long for contact and a meet with that dopamine hit, then it wears off and back to square 1, it's a vicious circle.  The pain is real, we go running together, I would so miss everything we do but as you said it's not a normal relationship. I cant have a movie night or breakfast in bed, go on walks, it's hard, im going to sit back and maybe when she does message not answer back right away as I normally do.

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

maybe when she does message not answer back right away as I normally do.

What do you hope to gain from that?

Answering back right away or not will not change anything here. She is still in another relationship so it's not as though making her wait to hear from you gives you the upper-hand or something. 

I do think you need space from her, to be clear, but not to make her pay more attention to you. You need to become used to living without her. 

[Darcus30]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What do you hope to gain from that?

Answering back right away or not will not change anything here. She is still in another relationship so it's not as though making her wait to hear from you gives you the upper-hand or something. 

I do think you need space from her, to be clear, but not to make her pay more attention to you. You need to become used to living without her. 

Sorry that's kinda what I meant, break away slowly, I always answer right away, so maybe start with that, it's not about making her want me more or the upper hand it's me not being so reliant, hope that makes sense 

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Sorry that's kinda what I meant, break away slowly, I always answer right away, so maybe start with that, it's not about making her want me more or the upper hand it's me not being so reliant, hope that makes sense 

So you want to rip the sticking plaster off slowly....hair by hair?   Come on, we all know that it's far less painful to tear it off quickly and get it over and done with.

[Darcus30]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So you want to rip the sticking plaster off slowly....hair by hair?   Come on, we all know that it's far less painful to tear it off quickly and get it over and done with.

Well put but yes I do, I can't handle it

[basil67]

You would be surprised with what you can handle.   How about you put a list on the fridge of all the reasons you're kicking her to the kerb?

[Darcus30]

Good call thank you, I know I'm like a stuck record but I do think it's true love, I'm 48 so have lived. If anything I would do it for her kids who are 8 and 11

 

I value all you're responses, you all keep me going and you never judge me, have been on other forums and responses were "you deserve it'" home wrecker etc.... I beleice no one plans an affair, feeling just happen 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Darcus30 said:

I always answer right away, so maybe start with that, it's not about making her want me more or the upper hand it's me not being so reliant, hope that makes sense 

It's doubtful delaying responses will have any effect, she is busy with her partner and children, her life is full. She probably wouldn't even notice.

Unless of course you are out on a date with single women as you could be. But then deleting and blocking her would be a better solution.

Edited July 2, 2022 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Good call thank you, I know I'm like a stuck record but I do think it's true love, I'm 48 so have lived. If anything I would do it for her kids who are 8 and 11

I would argue that true love doesn't cause us heartache and pain.   This is more of a loop of empty words on her part, fuelled by lust.

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Also it seems to be stopping me sleeping and eating properly - seems to be on my mind 24 hours a day.

So first off, you probably shouldn't cling to the hope of her leaving. She may sound sincere to you, but "love is blind" and she hasn't left yet.

Secondly, if she's on your mind constantly you may have developed, or be developing, limerence which is a very strong form of romantic infatuation with similarities to OCD and addiction.

If you think you might have this, you could research it a bit on the Wikipedia page for it:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Edited July 2, 2022 by mark clemson

[Bubble_20]

4 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Good call thank you, I know I'm like a stuck record but I do think it's true love, I'm 48 so have lived. If anything I would do it for her kids who are 8 and 11

Unfortunately her kids are still very young. It’s not going to be just you, her and her kids. They’ll have a father and potentially grandparents/extended family wanting to weigh in on your relationship too. Never mind the kids themselves who are going to be confused and disoriented.
I’m sure you don’t foresee your future relationship this way, and who knows maybe in a year or so once she’s left and got the kids settled you might have a chance or some kind of normal relationship, out in the open. 
But right now, you’ll have no control on what other people do or say. With respect, you don’t appear to have had much influence on the situation so far. Other than lots of wishful thinking and breadcrumbs from your AP. 
 

As to the age thing, there are hundreds of posters on here in their 40’s, 50’s and possibly older. It’s no safety net for poor decision making, falling foul of limerence or general crazy behaviour. 
If anything (and I’ll include myself here) it can cause us to be even more tolerant of shitty behaviour from others and dare I say it… desperation? We’re not getting any younger. Falling head over heels for someone else’s partner though is rubbish. There has to be healthier, single options for a partner out there. They’re just a little harder to find.

Edited July 2, 2022 by Bubble_20

[Darcus30]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

So first off, you probably shouldn't cling to the hope of her leaving. She may sound sincere to you, but "love is blind" and she hasn't left yet.

Secondly, if she's on your mind constantly you may have developed, or be developing, limerence which is a very strong form of romantic infatuation with similarities to OCD and addiction.

If you think you might have this, you could research it a bit on the Wikipedia page for it:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Very interesting thank you, I never even knew this was a thing, I think she may have this too as only an hour ago we were messaging and she said I'm like her drug, and she doesn't want to give it up 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

I do think it's true love, I'm 48 so have lived.

Surely after 48 years you have learned that people can be deceptive, life is often complicated, and love doesn't conquer all when dealing with the realities of adulthood. No offence but - “she said it and I believe her” isn’t the reasoning of 48 year old man who has lived life and gained some wisdom about people and relationships along the way…

[Darcus30]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Surely after 48 years you have learned that people can be deceptive, life is often complicated, and love doesn't conquer all when dealing with the realities of adulthood. No offence but - “she said it and I believe her” isn’t the reasoning of 48 year old man who has lived life and gained some wisdom about people and relationships along the way…

I get what your saying but why would she take all these risks and she does take risks to be with me, it started out as just sex, we could of continued that way, but she dropped the love bomb word 1st. Yes people do lie, I could be lying to her about my feelings but I'm not, she questions me sometimes too.

Rare I kmow but surely sometimes these things do work out and end happily ever after. 

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Rare I kmow but surely sometimes these things do work out and end happily ever after. 

How do you get happily ever after with a woman who you know is able to lie and cheat on a partner? 

2 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

why would she take all these risks and she does take risks to be with me, it started out as just sex, we could of continued that way, but she dropped the love bomb word 1st.

Again, read these boards. I won’t try to pretend that I understand because it’s not something I would ever do, but it happens time, and again… Perhaps she is just as caught up in the fantasy as you are. But, if you are willing to consider what people on this board are saying and employ some critical thinking - the fantasy you have created here starts to disappear like the mirage that it is…