Having an affair

[Darcus30]

This is always the worst, its 11pm here in the UK and sat here on my own with a glass of wine, wondering what's going on in here house? Are they cuddled up? Watching a film, who knows.

But this is what I signed up for right 

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

But this is what I signed up for right 

When you are “dating” a woman who has another - primary - relationship, this is what you can expect.

There is no option to be together - she is committed to another man and they have children. Despite what she may say, she has made absolutely no action to prove that it will ever be any different. 

Accept this, or make a different decision for yourself. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

I get what your saying but why would she take all these risks and she does take risks to be with me, it started out as just sex, we could of continued that way, but she dropped the love bomb word 1st. Yes people do lie, I could be lying to her about my feelings but I'm not, she questions me sometimes too.

Rare I kmow but surely sometimes these things do work out and end happily ever after. 

 

Lots of people take all kinds of risks.  Whether it be driving at way too fast, using substances or having an affair, it's about the "feel good" moment when the risk is taken.   Could be artificial feel good when one takes substances or it could be the adrenaline from driving too fast or having an affair.   That she takes risks does not make what you have with her special

19 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

This is always the worst, its 11pm here in the UK and sat here on my own with a glass of wine, wondering what's going on in here house? Are they cuddled up? Watching a film, who knows.

Yes, it is what you signed up for.   How's it working for you?

Edited July 2, 2022 by basil67

[Darcus30]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

When you are “dating” a woman who has another - primary - relationship, this is what you can expect.

There is no option to be together - she is committed to another man and they have children. Despite what she may say, she has made absolutely no action to prove that it will ever be any different. 

Accept this, or make a different decision for yourself. 

Quick update, she just messaged me saying do I tell him? 

[basil67]

Send a message back:  This is a decision you need to make for yourself

Edit to add: If she hasn't yet made an escape plan, it's just words.   Nobody in their right mind drops a bomb like that if they don't have all their ducks in a row

Edited July 2, 2022 by basil67

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Nobody in their right mind drops a bomb like that if they don't have all their ducks in a row

At almost 1AM in the UK.

Edited July 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Darcus30]

22 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Very interesting thank you, I never even knew this was a thing, I think she may have this too as only an hour ago we were messaging and she said I'm like her drug, and she doesn't want to give it up 

Well since last night and she asked me if she should tell him, I've not heard from her at all.   Been the most stressful day of my life, not knowing what's going on.....  

[BrinnM]

8 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

last night and she asked me if she should tell him, I've not heard from her at all. 

Did you reply?

The timing of the text (late night) and the content make me think this may have been a drunk text. Not to be taken seriously. Today is a new day, and she’s probably busy with real-world stuff. 

[Darcus30]

8 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Did you reply?

The timing of the text (late night) and the content make me think this may have been a drunk text. Not to be taken seriously. Today is a new day, and she’s probably busy with real-world stuff. 

It was her partner (was drunk) kept asking  questions, like why don't we have aex anymore? Are you seeing someone else? Not sure whether she did or not.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

It is very unlikely that she will come to you even if she tells him, OP. 

Be prepared for her to tell you that she wants to work on it with him and she owes it to him, and so on. My strong sense is that when push comes to shove, she will choose her family and him. 

[Darcus30]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Oh gosh, such a roller coaster while in an affair - the ups and downs and turned arounds.

it really sucks.

Your not wrong there, whatever happens, never ever again.. want to thank you all for being here for me, no one else knows so you are my life line .

It helps 

[Darcus30]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It is very unlikely that she will come to you even if she tells him, OP. 

Be prepared for her to tell you that she wants to work on it with him and she owes it to him, and so on. My strong sense is that when push comes to shove, she will choose her family and him. 

So I've had contact, he said I know ur seeing someone else etc..she denied but he said he wants to split as doesn't trust her (he's been like this long before me) she said OK then, then this morning when drink wore off he said we have to make it work. 

She said she doesn't know what do to, said she doesn't love him like that, confirmed that she loves me. 

Again thank you for not judging me 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

she denied

This could have been her ticket out of the marriage. 

I am sorry Darcus, but she is not going to leave him. She could have been honest right then and there, and she instead chose to save preserve her relationship. 

4 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

he said he wants to split as doesn't trust her (he's been like this long before me)

This is probably not the first affair, despite whatever she is telling you. He's onto her. 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

She said she doesn't know what do to, said she doesn't love him like that, confirmed that she loves me. 

And yet, when he suggested that there was someone else and that they should split, her response was - 

12 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

he said I know ur seeing someone else etc..she denied

Denial. 

She could have easily said “Yes, there is another man that I love and I want to end our relationship, I chose this other man.” She chose not to do that.

It’s not a question of “she doesn’t know what to do.” She made her decision last night when she denied your existence and chose to stay in her relationship. 

No offence Darcus, but if you are foolish enough to accept this and wait around indefinitely listening to her sorry excuses, you will get exactly what you deserve… Life is funny like that. If you make a poor decision, you get a poor outcome.

Edited July 3, 2022 by BaileyB

[Darcus30]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This could have been her ticket out of the marriage. 

I am sorry Darcus, but she is not going to leave him. She could have been honest right then and there, and she instead chose to save preserve her relationship. 

This is probably not the first affair, despite whatever she is telling you. He's onto her. 

She said to me on that chat I should have just come clean, very nearly did.

She said what are we going to do

[Darcus30]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And yet, when he suggested that there was someone else and that they should split, her response was - 

Denial. 

She could have easily said “Yes, there is another man that I love and I want to end our relationship, I chose this other man.” She chose not to do that.

It’s not a question of “she doesn’t know what to do.” She made her decision last night when she denied your existence and chose to stay in her relationship. 

No offence Darcus, but if you are foolish enough to accept this and wait around indefinitely listening to her sorry excuses, you will get exactly what you deserve… Life is funny like that. If you make a poor decision, you get a poor outcome.

I belevie she does want it to end between them but keeping the affair out of it for the sake of the kids. 

[florrymcgoo]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Life is not straightforward and sometimes people do not mean to hurt others. You are better out of this. But no judgement.   You are human.  Sometimes people are not able change their domestic situation.   But they don't want to leave their op either. It's normal. No one is a bad person. But you are better out. You'll never be no1

Edited July 3, 2022 by florrymcgoo

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

She said to me on that chat I should have just come clean, very nearly did.

And yet, she didn't actually do it. So "very nearly" is meaningless. 

6 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

She said what are we going to do

We? No, this is on her to resolve. Though she might be hinting that you two need to stop this affair, and hoping you suggest it first. Your previous posts about her suggest she is starting to sniff around for a way out. 

[Darcus30]

6 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Life is not straightforward and sometimes people do not mean to hurt others. You are better out of this. But no judgement.   You are human.  Sometimes people are not able change their domestic situation.   But they don't want to leave their op either. It's normal. No one is a bad person. But you are better out. You'll never be no1

Aww thank you so much for your kind words, I so needed that right now.

I have no doubt in my mind if there were no children she would leave. I have kids but mine are 18 and 24 so a different game (I'm single BTW)

[Will am I]

An old Dr. Phil quote springs to mind.

”we teach people how to treat us”

Meaning that people will continue the behaviour that we let them get away with. If you’re hanging out with someone and accept the arms lengthing and vague promises about “maybe next year”, don’t expect anything else.

[Darcus30]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And yet, she didn't actually do it. So "very nearly" is meaningless. 

We? No, this is on her to resolve. Though she might be hinting that you two need to stop this affair, and hoping you suggest it first. Your previous posts about her suggest she is starting to sniff around for a way out. 

Do you really think so? I dont think I can do it!! I genuinely do love her 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Darcus30 said:

Do you really think so? I dont think I can do it!! I genuinely do love her 

Yes, and I think she will be the one to eventually pull the plug. 

I would brace yourself for this. My guess is that it will happen sooner rather than later, especially since her partner has started accusing her. 

[Bubble_20]

I have to agree with what others have said. This was a perfect opportunity (not to admit to an affair as such - very few do that!), but to agree with him that they should spilt because she’s UNHAPPY. She didn’t do that. Now is the time to question why…

I get the kids thing. That is very difficult to navigate but if what she told you is true, there was a window last night to get the ball rolling. The fact that she told you this and yet you (in her mind at least) seem to be accepting it still wasn’t the right time, sends a clear message that you’ll remain waiting in the wings anyway. I’d ask her why the f*** didn’t you do something and steer the conversation. 

I’m not sure what else I can say really. You have no handle on this even though she’s telling you her partner created an opening to start some action here. 
What will it take? For him to boot her out and finally she’ll come to you when she has nowhere else to go? 
I think you deserve better.

[florrymcgoo]

1 minute ago, Darcus30 said:

Aww thank you so much for your kind words, I so needed that right now.

I have no doubt in my mind if there were no children she would leave. I have kids but mine are 18 and 24 so a different game (I'm single BTW)

You are welcome. Yes I'm quite sure if no kids she would go. Kids complicate everything.  I don't understand why as their parents lives should not impact so long as they are loved and cared for but it seems to be the way.  I think the best you can do is try and meet a single person.     I'm sorry but if you single your options are huge.  Maybe try and monkey branch from this relationship to a new one. Probably not gr8 advice from moral perspective but I'm only thinking of making your life easier as you have been through alot.  If you met someone else you could just end this relationship easier and move on.   Not the advised way but easiest solution for you.  Also do not get caught by her so as you don't need that hassle. If you leave her she can live her life bored with this other man and she's more likely to move on.

[Bubble_20]

11 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Aww thank you so much for your kind words, I so needed that right now.

I have no doubt in my mind if there were no children she would leave. I have kids but mine are 18 and 24 so a different game (I'm single BTW)

There is another recent poster on here who’s ap doesn’t have kids. Still isn’t leaving. The AP wants to leave or they don’t. If they think what they’re going to (you) is going to better than what they have.

Edited July 3, 2022 by Bubble_20