Having an affair

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Darcus30 said:

Do you really think so? I dont think I can do it!! I genuinely do love her 

Yes, and I think she will be the one to eventually pull the plug. 

I would brace yourself for this. My guess is that it will happen sooner rather than later, especially since her partner has started accusing her. 

[Bubble_20]

I have to agree with what others have said. This was a perfect opportunity (not to admit to an affair as such - very few do that!), but to agree with him that they should spilt because she’s UNHAPPY. She didn’t do that. Now is the time to question why…

I get the kids thing. That is very difficult to navigate but if what she told you is true, there was a window last night to get the ball rolling. The fact that she told you this and yet you (in her mind at least) seem to be accepting it still wasn’t the right time, sends a clear message that you’ll remain waiting in the wings anyway. I’d ask her why the f*** didn’t you do something and steer the conversation. 

I’m not sure what else I can say really. You have no handle on this even though she’s telling you her partner created an opening to start some action here. 
What will it take? For him to boot her out and finally she’ll come to you when she has nowhere else to go? 
I think you deserve better.

[florrymcgoo]

1 minute ago, Darcus30 said:

Aww thank you so much for your kind words, I so needed that right now.

I have no doubt in my mind if there were no children she would leave. I have kids but mine are 18 and 24 so a different game (I'm single BTW)

You are welcome. Yes I'm quite sure if no kids she would go. Kids complicate everything.  I don't understand why as their parents lives should not impact so long as they are loved and cared for but it seems to be the way.  I think the best you can do is try and meet a single person.     I'm sorry but if you single your options are huge.  Maybe try and monkey branch from this relationship to a new one. Probably not gr8 advice from moral perspective but I'm only thinking of making your life easier as you have been through alot.  If you met someone else you could just end this relationship easier and move on.   Not the advised way but easiest solution for you.  Also do not get caught by her so as you don't need that hassle. If you leave her she can live her life bored with this other man and she's more likely to move on.

[Bubble_20]

11 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Aww thank you so much for your kind words, I so needed that right now.

I have no doubt in my mind if there were no children she would leave. I have kids but mine are 18 and 24 so a different game (I'm single BTW)

There is another recent poster on here who’s ap doesn’t have kids. Still isn’t leaving. The AP wants to leave or they don’t. If they think what they’re going to (you) is going to better than what they have.

Edited July 3, 2022 by Bubble_20

[Darcus30]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, and I think she will be the one to eventually pull the plug. 

I would brace yourself for this. My guess is that it will happen sooner rather than later, especially since her partner has started accusing her. 

I think if she does I'll struggle, dont get  me wrong I know I sound like an 18 Yr old again  but have fallen hard, I'm currently at home where she's been sharing romantic meals etc .. it's hard man 

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

I belevie she does want it to end between them but keeping the affair out of it for the sake of the kids. 

This is otherwise known as speculation and projection.

She had every opportunity this morning to say to him - “You told me last night that you thought we should separate. I agree.”

The fact that she didn’t do that tells you everything you need to know. 

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

She said to me on that chat I should have just come clean, very nearly did.

There are just words. Meaningless words when not backed up by action. 

24 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

She said what are we going to do

We? How much control do you have here Darcus? How exactly is her relationship your problem? 

[florrymcgoo]

23 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

I think if she does I'll struggle, dont get  me wrong I know I sound like an 18 Yr old again  but have fallen hard, I'm currently at home where she's been sharing romantic meals etc .. it's hard man 

Big hugs to you. You will be fine no matter what happens.    You can't control what she will do. I know you love her and she probably loves you but these practical domestic situations are very difficult to dissolve in real life so then love is not enough.   No one wants to be the bad guy. It will be too hard for her to leave the kids. Do not take it too seriously when people say love is enough to move mountains.   Its not really once kids and property come into it. Oh yes Affair partners love each other and often have outgrown the domestic homelife but they are too scared to leave and cause upset to homelife. I'm sorry this is happening.  Oh you poor pet, can you try and get busy at stuff that's productive for you. You deserve to be at peace and right now you are having it rough.   Try and distract yourself.  She obviously cares for you very much but she's not going to leave i don't think. You can get through this. I promise. I'm in same boat. 8 years.....yes its over and I'm heartbroken but its not enough for me anymore. I care deeply for this person but its not making me have peace of mind.   Its actually destructive with no future.  I'm learning 8 years in. Don't be like me. We are best friends but it's not enough.

[Darcus30]

23 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Big hugs to you. You will be fine no matter what happens.    You can't control what she will do. I know you love her and she probably loves you but these practical domestic situations are very difficult to dissolve in real life so then love is not enough.   No one wants to be the bad guy. It will be too hard for her to leave the kids. Do not take it too seriously when people say love is enough to move mountains.   Its not really once kids and property come into it. Oh yes Affair partners love each other and often have outgrown the domestic homelife but they are too scared to leave and cause upset to homelife. I'm sorry this is happening.  Oh you poor pet, can you try and get busy at stuff that's productive for you. You deserve to be at peace and right now you are having it rough.   Try and distract yourself.  She obviously cares for you very much but she's not going to leave i don't think. You can get through this. I promise. I'm in same boat. 8 years.....yes its over and I'm heartbroken but its not enough for me anymore. I care deeply for this person but its not making me have peace of mind.   Its actually destructive with no future.  I'm learning 8 years in. Don't be like me. We are best friends but it's not enough.

God 8 yrs, my heart goes out to you brother, you're probs right, she does love me, so 8 yrs are u still seeing g each other? 

Did you ever find anyone else? 

Sending you hugs my friend, its horrible I know 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

It was her partner (was drunk) kept asking  questions, like why don't we have aex anymore? Are you seeing someone else? 

If he's onto her cheating, expect her to step way back.

[florrymcgoo]

42 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

God 8 yrs, my heart goes out to you brother, you're probs right, she does love me, so 8 yrs are u still seeing g each other? 

Did you ever find anyone else? 

Sending you hugs my friend, its horrible I know 

Just broke up 4 days ago. I mean it this time. I can't destroy myself, they have kids 27 and 28 and 31 so they have the comfort of them to hang out with so they can deal with disconnect from spouse.   They simply going nowhere. 

[Darcus30]

4 minutes ago, florrymcgoo said:

Just broke up 4 days ago. I mean it this time. I can't destroy myself, they have kids 27 and 28 and 31 so they have the comfort of them to hang out with so they can deal with disconnect from spouse.   They simply going nowhere. 

Blimey mate, my heart goes out to you, im 1 Yr in and don't know what to do

[florrymcgoo]

9 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Blimey mate, my heart goes out to you, im 1 Yr in and don't know what to do

You will be fine.  You managed b4 you met and you will again if you have to. Yes these things go on for years.   I regret I put myself through it. I think they are very fond of me but it's not enough. I'm not going to be dealing with some spouse whom is cemented to my affair partner and my affair partner clearly chooses them.      I can't bare to look at them together anymore.   It's so hypocritical.   They are playing respectable.  I don't want to look at this spouse walking down street with my affair partner having all these benefits while I prop up their married life and make it better for them.   That's what you will be doing I'm sorry to say if you continue.   It's no good for us.   

Edited July 3, 2022 by florrymcgoo

[S2B]

She is acting like it’s YOUR responsibility. It’s not!

and she can tell you whatever she wants to - it doesn’t mean it’s true.

but… it is obvious now - being presented with a situation that she COULD end her marriage - she’s proven she won’t.

so I would end it with her if I were you.

she’s only using you. She won’t end her marriage.

[Darcus30]

On 7/3/2022 at 10:30 PM, florrymcgoo said:

You will be fine.  You managed b4 you met and you will again if you have to. Yes these things go on for years.   I regret I put myself through it. I think they are very fond of me but it's not enough. I'm not going to be dealing with some spouse whom is cemented to my affair partner and my affair partner clearly chooses them.      I can't bare to look at them together anymore.   It's so hypocritical.   They are playing respectable.  I don't want to look at this spouse walking down street with my affair partner having all these benefits while I prop up their married life and make it better for them.   That's what you will be doing I'm sorry to say if you continue.   It's no good for us.   

Do you think that's what I've become? A prop for her relationship? 

She keeps blowing hot and cold, is she testing me.

I feel we really do have a bond, 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

She keeps blowing hot and cold, is she testing me.

No. She is married and with her husband so you come after that.

[Confused8647]

Having been in an EA and PA and thinking I have met my one, my soul mate, I can assure you this will not end well. My AP chose her family as she should and now we don’t talk at all. She says it’s to awkward to speak, and I have to respect that and respect her family. Please end this now, it is highly unlikely that it will end well. The Hot and Cold is just the start. She will feel guilt and shame which is why she is unsure. Please look after yourself first and foremost. If you read my threat you will see how much I was in love, but the reality is so much worse than anything I could ever dream of. Take care

[Darcus30]

Thanks as always for your advice.

Did you find yourself thinking of her all day long,   it kind of consumed you, I get what you say I should end it but I don't want too, I can't see my life without her in it. 

I'm fully aware this sounds perthectic and not manly but on here I can be myself. 

Should I pull away a little and see if she questions why or cares? 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

 Should I pull away a little and see if she questions why or cares? 

So you're trying to test her or use tactics to hope she is not busy with her husband and cares? The absolute most someone like this can give you is 50%. The rest of the time she has a full complete relationship with someone else.

[Will am I]

You need your AP in your life but she has another life. 

Morality aside, you have no other option but to put her on the spot. Choose between you or her husband and family. 

She’ll probably choose her marriage and family, but at least you know where you stand and you can start to recover. The alternative is that you stay in this status quo and get incrementally more and more hurt by your unmet needs.

[Darcus30]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So you're trying to test her or use tactics to hope she is not busy with her husband and cares? The absolute most someone like this can give you is 50%. The rest of the time she has a full complete relationship with someone else.

I know,  I asked her only yesterday if she wanted to end it then I'll understand but she said a definitive no, I asked if she wished she'd never started it and she said no, I honestly do think she's in love with me 

[Confused8647]

1 hour ago, Darcus30 said:

Thanks as always for your advice.

Did you find yourself thinking of her all day long,   it kind of consumed you, I get what you say I should end it but I don't want too, I can't see my life without her in it. 

I'm fully aware this sounds perthectic and not manly but on here I can be myself. 

Should I pull away a little and see if she questions why or cares? 

Darcus I still think about her a lot, but I also realise that she has another life as others have said and has chosen that life. We loved each other, for that I am sure, but in the end her children and her family came first and I am learning how to accept that and live without her. We are now at the point where we don’t speak. She last declined to meet for a drink as she was a worried alcohol would be involved and then said it’s now awkward, and she’s tired of people I used to work with talking about us. I will always love her but I know we can and never be. You will get there my friend, and my advice is do it now, don’t wait for her to cut you off and stop talking to you. I used to think we were soul mates, we would speak on the phone for hours and when we met up, it wasn’t even about the physical stuff, we just had a connection, of which I have never had. There was something about her that I can’t explain. I wish you well but please for your own sake, stop now!!

Edited August 7, 2022 by Confused8647

[Darcus30]

13 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

Darcus I still think about her a lot, but I also realise that she has another life as others have said and has chosen that life. We loved each other, for that I am sure, but in the end her children and her family came first and I am learning how to accept that and live without her. We are now at the point where we don’t speak. She last declined to meet for a drink as she was a worried alcohol would be involved and then said it’s now awkward, and she’s tired of people I used to work with talking about us. I will always love her but I know we can and never be. You will get there my friend, and my advice is do it now, don’t wait for her to cut you off and stop talking to you. I used to think we were soul mates, we would speak on the phone for hours and when we met up, it wasn’t even about the physical stuff, we just had a connection, of which I have never had. There was something about her that I can’t explain. I wish you well but please for your own sake, stop now!!

Thank you, you never know my good friend when her kids are older you may rekindle your love, once kids are older her and hubby will have nothing in common  

[Confused8647]

23 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you, you never know my good friend when her kids are older you may rekindle your love, once kids are older her and hubby will have nothing in common  

Whilst I once shared that view and hope, I certainly don’t think that is true. I lost myself when I tried to be everything I thought she wanted and in the end it’s probably part of the reason I probably pushed her away and made her choose her family over love. I am learning to deal with it and hope that she is happy. One of the last things she said to me for why we couldn’t meet for drinks is we feel different about each other. That to me says everything. She no longer feels the same way and I deserve better, I deserve someone who wants me. You deserve someone who wants you and only you. As others have said an A is not the way to go, I thought our love would be enough and the connection we have, but in the end it wasn’t.

[Darcus30]

15 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

Whilst I once shared that view and hope, I certainly don’t think that is true. I lost myself when I tried to be everything I thought she wanted and in the end it’s probably part of the reason I probably pushed her away and made her choose her family over love. I am learning to deal with it and hope that she is happy. One of the last things she said to me for why we couldn’t meet for drinks is we feel different about each other. That to me says everything. She no longer feels the same way and I deserve better, I deserve someone who wants me. You deserve someone who wants you and only you. As others have said an A is not the way to go, I thought our love would be enough and the connection we have, but in the end it wasn’t.

So sorry mate, stay positive, there's someone out there for you I'm sure

Take care