Having an affair

[Will am I]

People can feel conflicted. Desiring one thing but wanting another. It’s the fabric affairs are made of.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

why doesn't she just say I want out?

That is your decision.

[Darcus30]

God , whatever happens, never again  would I venture into an affair, wouldn't wish this anxiety on my worst  enemy. 

I genuinely can't stop thinking about her, consuming me and yes I know you all saying walk away but I can't 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Darcus30 said:

Why the long wait for messages where as before was all day every day 

Because she's prioritizing her husband and kids more now. You're not her primary interest or concern any longer. She will contact you at her own convenience, when it suits her. It's not important to her if that is enough for you. 

28 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

I know you all saying walk away but I can't

Yes, you can. The problem is that you don't want to. There's a significant difference. You are not ready to admit to yourself that there is no future here. But eventually that time will come, and then your narrative will change. You'll be a lot more willing to walk away then, because you know the only alternative will never be enough for you. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

I know you all saying walk away but I can't 

It’s really sad that you don’t value yourself more than this -

It’s also really sad that you don’t feel that you have the strength to walk away from this very unhealthy relationship.

But, if you say you don’t/won’t, I believe you. 

Edited August 7, 2022 by BaileyB

[Darcus30]

Quick update I'm so sorry to bore you. So admittedly  I've sent a few messages and no proper responses just short replies. She called as she does when she cam, and actually said it passes her off when I keep messaging- that's just cruel, I'm not going to message 1st now and see what happens, I don't want to be a mug

Thanks for listening 

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

She called as she does when she cam, and actually said it passes her off when I keep messaging- that's just cruel, I'm not going to message 1st now and see what happens

She is clearly telling you that she doesn’t want to message with you - at least, not when it’s inconvenient for her. So, I expect that you won’t hear from her…

And, you are likely to be disappointed but will it be enough for you to accept reality and go find someone single to date… that’s what we are waiting to see…

Edited August 7, 2022 by BaileyB

[Darcus30]

TBH it's really annoyed me, I wont message her first now,  it sounds crazy but since that call I haven't been constant checking my phone, and it's not bothered me. 

It's just cruel 

[Bubble_20]

12 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

TBH it's really annoyed me, I wont message her first now,  it sounds crazy but since that call I haven't been constant checking my phone, and it's not bothered me. 

It's just cruel 

I played the ‘let’s wait until they contact first’ game. My ex AP still contacts (will leave it roughly two weeks max before reaching out). The thing is, he has no real intention of making any changes to have me in his life. I think he can’t quite cut off the contact but it doesn’t serve ME in anyway… just prolongs the agony in some respects.

We have been reduced to a minimal friendly text relationship which honestly, I can have with any number of male ‘friends’. I’ll get the odd sprinkle of ‘I miss you’ but again, it’s just bullshit words. I am roughly 6 months out from my affair. And I think it’s important to frame it as such, rather than the star crossed lovers narrative we were existing on for over three years. My feelings have slowly fizzled out because the actions amount to zero. Hopefully, in time you will start to view your relationship with this woman the same way and eventually move on.

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

  I've sent a few messages and no proper responses just short replies.  it passes her off when I keep messaging

Of course it does. Because she's hiding it from her family and has to make up lies. It would help to see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. mention the anxiety and obsessions. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[Darcus30]

Funny you should say star crossed lovers, we've said the same.

I Hooe you ok and are now ready to meet someone new, that can give 100%, sadly I'm still under the spell,  

Can I ask? Did he actually end it or did it just fizzle out? 

Didi you struggle. 

I swear after this I'm going solo, not worth all the heart ache 

Thanks for your response 

[Darcus30]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Of course it does. Because she's hiding it from her family and has to make up lies. It would help to see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. mention the anxiety and obsessions. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

I dont need a therapist I'm just in love

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

I dont need a therapist I'm just in love

Boundaries. If nothing else, you would benefit from some time in therapy to talk about healthy relationship boundaries. 

[Bubble_20]

9 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Funny you should say star crossed lovers, we've said the same.

I Hooe you ok and are now ready to meet someone new, that can give 100%, sadly I'm still under the spell,  

Can I ask? Did he actually end it or did it just fizzle out? 

Didi you struggle. 

I swear after this I'm going solo, not worth all the heart ache 

Thanks for your response 

We were friends for 5 years previously plus a 3 year E and P ‘relationship’ on top of that. The ending was a simple as a career shift (his side) which would mean bare face lying to his wife and family about his whereabouts to see me anymore. We had existed pretty much in the shadows up to that point. You can’t exactly bring your secret affair partner to family events! 
Of course with dreams and fantasy of what life COULD be like. 
 It was deeply devastating to me at the time that our relationship was easily cast aside due to a conflict of shift patterns but there you have it. 
 

It hasn’t been easy and many here will advise the NC route. Which is usually a very wise decision but for me personally, I know how my mind works and I would be forever wondering what if? Cutting ties completely would have kept the wound open a little. So I’ve taken the long drawn fizzle out route. As I said, we’ve known each other for almost a decade and it’s been difficult rewiring   my brain and addiction to this person. If you haven’t already done so, I would read about limerence. It certainly won’t end you’re misery but might help you to understand how the barriers to your illicit relationship (the push pulls, uncertainty etc) are fuelling your desire to message her and gain some validation that the relationship actually means something. You’re missing some huge red flags here and unfortunately the other person, unless she tells you to f*** off and leave her alone (few actually do this!), you’ll be riding the roller coaster for a long time yet. 
Another warning to you (again only from personal experience), is that any potential new person might be cast aside from you because you’ve learnt how to be treated (poorly I might add!). I blew off a perfectly nice guy recently because  he messaged a quite a lot and I found it irritating. I have been so used to intermittent reward from my AP (random declarations of love at unpredictable times of the day) that normal communication from an emotionally available guy just seemed. Odd!

I hope I’ve made some sense. I know I’ve rambled quite a lot here! You probably won’t take any advice… but we’re all hoping that you will. 

[Darcus30]

Not rambling at all and makes perfect sense, I'm so sorry you had to go thorough this too.

I'm still involved as not ended - she said on the phone earlier she's missing me too but cant be on the end of the phone every 5 minutes,  funny cause she always used to be. Wanted to ask her what's changed but didn't want to appear needy.

Im sure you can comprehend its comsumes you, all you think about.  Were 15 months in but knew each other alot longer than that as friends at the gym

sounds so sad i know but cant see life without her, im 48 yrs old for gods sake, acting like a 15 yr old lol 

22 minutes ago, Bubble_20 said:

We were friends for 5 years previously plus a 3 year E and P ‘relationship’ on top of that. The ending was a simple as a career shift (his side) which would mean bare face lying to his wife and family about his whereabouts to see me anymore. We had existed pretty much in the shadows up to that point. You can’t exactly bring your secret affair partner to family events! 
Of course with dreams and fantasy of what life COULD be like. 
 It was deeply devastating to me at the time that our relationship was easily cast aside due to a conflict of shift patterns but there you have it. 
 

It hasn’t been easy and many here will advise the NC route. Which is usually a very wise decision but for me personally, I know how my mind works and I would be forever wondering what if? Cutting ties completely would have kept the wound open a little. So I’ve taken the long drawn fizzle out route. As I said, we’ve known each other for almost a decade and it’s been difficult rewiring   my brain and addiction to this person. If you haven’t already done so, I would read about limerence. It certainly won’t end you’re misery but might help you to understand how the barriers to your illicit relationship (the push pulls, uncertainty etc) are fuelling your desire to message her and gain some validation that the relationship actually means something. You’re missing some huge red flags here and unfortunately the other person, unless she tells you to f*** off and leave her alone (few actually do this!), you’ll be riding the roller coaster for a long time yet. 
Another warning to you (again only from personal experience), is that any potential new person might be cast aside from you because you’ve learnt how to be treated (poorly I might add!). I blew off a perfectly nice guy recently because  he messaged a quite a lot and I found it irritating. I have been so used to intermittent reward from my AP (random declarations of love at unpredictable times of the day) that normal communication from an emotionally available guy just seemed. Odd!

I hope I’ve made some sense. I know I’ve rambled quite a lot here! You probably won’t take any advice… but we’re all hoping that you will. 

Funny you should say star crossed lovers, we've said the same.

I Hooe you ok and are now ready to meet someone new, that can give 100%, sadly I'm still under the spell,  

Can I ask? Did he actually end it or did it just fizzle out? 

Didi you struggle. 

I swear after this I'm going solo, not worth all the heart ache 

Thanks for your response 

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

I dont need a therapist I'm just in love

"Love" is not this type of chronic headache and heartache and a sense of frantic desperation and text-bombing a married woman, etc.. This is drama and an addictive type of thrill like a slot machine wondering if you pull the handle what will happen.

[Bubble_20]

I’m approaching 50 myself in a few years so I can understand the bewilderment and confusion that this stage of life can bring when you’re alone. Everyone you are likely to meet will have children, or already be married or involved with someone else. It’s a tricky path to navigate but attaching to someone else’s partner is only going to make life harder.

Trying to fathom her true feelings or second guess what you think she’ll do based on her words just isn’t enough to base your future on. Or even what you’ll do tomorrow?
I’ll be generous here and say that I do believe people can ‘fall in love’ with someone else other than their SO but at what cost? You’ve not lived with this person day to day to see who they really are. Unless she becomes available in the future (this could be years from now or never happen at all!), you have no chance of what this could be like. 

If you read through the hundreds of posts you’ll sadly discover that sometimes the AP goes back to their SO after leaving them for the AP. Imagine how devastating for all concerned that would be? Are you absolutely sure you know this woman inside out in order to plan a future with? Or is it based on phone calls, text messages, illicit meet ups and a flimsy couple of hours here and now? I’m not sure I would marry or live with someone with such a limited knowledge of a person. So why do we consider it with an AP?

also, with respect, friends at the gym before the affair is hardly dating weekly in full view of others, weekends away or holiday together, spending time at each other’s homes regularly and meeting friends and family as you would in a normal relationship. There’s a lot to gamble on here aside from the fact that she lives with and had a family with someone else. I think that the fact that she has not responded favourably to your texting lately demonstrates where you fall on her list of priorities. She’s not even trying to appease you, she straight up told you you’re pissing her off. What that possibly translates to is that you’re making life very awkward. You’re stepping over the parallel universe of the two lives she’s juggling.

Edited August 7, 2022 by Bubble_20

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

It's just cruel 

Cruel is what she is doing to her husband. 

I get that are annoyed and hurt, but you're not a victim in this. The only victim is him. You are a willing participant. 

[Darcus30]

Thank you, yes I think after this (whatever happens) I'm 48 and will just stay om my own.

One thing you said struck home, you said a relationship built on messages and texts and odd meets and that's true.

Never thought of it like that. Todays phone convo has made me think, dont get me wrong t

Not to end it but I have respect for myself.

I'm sure you'll.agree is what u go to bed on and what you wake up to

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Todays phone convo has made me think, dont get me wrong t

Not to end it but I have respect for myself.

To have respect for yourself is to end it.

[Darcus30]

I'm so glad I found this forum, obvs I have no one else to talk to about this as its all a secret, this is my crutch 

[Bubble_20]

28 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you, yes I think after this (whatever happens) I'm 48 and will just stay om my own.

One thing you said struck home, you said a relationship built on messages and texts and odd meets and that's true.

Never thought of it like that. Todays phone convo has made me think, dont get me wrong t

Not to end it but I have respect for myself.

I'm sure you'll.agree is what u go to bed on and what you wake up to

The start of any new relationship if you hit it off with someone is usually exciting and based on texting and a couple of hours of meet ups here and there (dating). The difference there of course is that it settles down into a proper relationship or fizzles out very quickly and you notice differences and go your separate ways. 

In an affair, those intense moments become addictive, fantasy inducing because you never quite know when the next one will be? Texting and phone calls just fuel the excitement in between which in most cases I think then becomes anxiety driven.
After you meet, they go back to their lives/reality while you’re left floundering in self doubt and low self esteem waiting for the next text message or call/crumb of validation. 

I’m not sure I have anything more useful  to add to your thread but I wish you well and hope that you can make the break and take strength to leave the unhappy situation you are in. As someone else said earlier, you (and I’ll include myself here) are not the victims. This situation is the product of choices you made early on to continue down this path. 
You have the choice to decide what happens next. 

 

[Confused8647]

4 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Quick update I'm so sorry to bore you. So admittedly  I've sent a few messages and no proper responses just short replies. She called as she does when she cam, and actually said it passes her off when I keep messaging- that's just cruel, I'm not going to message 1st now and see what happens, I don't want to be a mug

Thanks for listening 

Darcus I hate to be the one to tell you, but what you have just described is me. I felt like less of a man, I did everything I thought she wanted or I wanted and it was never enough. As someone said she is prioritising her family now. Mine did exactly the same, the messages were shorter, no feeling in them and then the conversations become boring, and she will complain if you message to much…….your situation is identical to mine, and I am in a few months down the line than you are. The pain is indescribable but it does get easier, I promise x

[Will am I]

And may I add, it will take time to fall out of love with AP.

Your feelings are genuine, even if your relationship is one that only exists in the shadows.

I was in a brief but intense EA in the spring and it took me a few more weeks after ending it until I found I was thinking clearly again.

It was then that I started to realize how much I had confused the intensity of the relationship with intimacy. Intensity is typically very high in affairs because all the excitement surrounding every contact. Intimacy is something that builds over lots of time spent together.

And even way later I still have warm feelings for xOW. She’ll be in my heart for a long time, that’s something for me to accept but also to consciously leave it at what it is: a mere feeling.

These feelings shouldn’t stop you from investing your love, time and energy into an appropriate relationship.

[Darcus30]

So sorry you went through thst pain. Hope your OK.

Can I ask did you end it or did she?