mark clemson Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 I'm going to link my post from another thread for you as I think the short and sweet logic applies to you as well (just switch the pronoun genders since you're a he and your MW a she), Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darcus30 Posted August 15, 2022 Author Share Posted August 15, 2022 41 minutes ago, mark clemson said: I'm going to link my post from another thread for you as I think the short and sweet logic applies to you as well (just switch the pronoun genders since you're a he and your MW a she), Thank you look forward to the link, much appreciated 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darcus30 Posted August 20, 2022 Author Share Posted August 20, 2022 So just thought I'd touch base as I don't have anyone to talk to, We met yesterday day time, lots of cuddles, made love., had love chatty afternoon. Then come today, she normally calls in the mornings - nothing, so I messaged her, am hour later just Said she's getting kids ready. (Normally still always calls). I sent her a funny pic at lunch and did get a message back, she said going to my mums will call you later when safe. My question is, normally she would call me or message no matter where she was, always found a way. Be it in the toilet or somewhere. Why has this changed? Should I mention it to her later and ask her or should I just do thr same thing - act not bothered and pull back a bit too? Would this make her think . Thank you in advance Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 14 minutes ago, Darcus30 said: Would this make her think Make her think what? It's just more of the same, Darcus. She's coming to you and contacting you only when it's convenient for her. She's out to save her own skin, not to make sure you feel secure or soothe your anxiety. You're wanting to approach this like it's a relationship, but it just isn't. Pulling back or talking about it isn't going to change what really counts, which is that she has a partner she doesn't intend to leave. 18 minutes ago, Darcus30 said: Should I mention it to her later and ask her What answer could she give that would really satisfy you, though? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darcus30 Posted August 20, 2022 Author Share Posted August 20, 2022 For her to understand how I feel and to reassure me, when I'm feeling anxious Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 (edited) It might make her think, but it might not change much, as the fundamental parameters of the relationship/affair aren't changing. If she is happy with "how things are" she may have little reason to change things even if she recognizes you're not happy; in fact she may have little ability to change much without disrupting her life in ways she's presumably not willing to and/or taking risks that she's not comfortable taking. Edited August 20, 2022 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 44 minutes ago, Darcus30 said: For her to understand how I feel and to reassure me, when I'm feeling anxious That's for friends, family and therapists. She is the one causing the distress so she can't be the one assuaging it. 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Darcus30 said: For her to understand how I feel and to reassure me, when I'm feeling anxious It’s not her job to provide reassurance. It’s your job to manage your own mental health and if you are feeling anxious, that is a sure sign that this is not a healthy relationship for you. It’s a sure sign that you need to make a better decision for yourself. Edited August 20, 2022 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: She is the one causing the distress so she can't be the one assuaging it. Exactly. It would be the equivalent of an individual going to their abuser to ask for comfort and reassurance. It’s twisted and illogical. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 For her, this whole thing is in the shadows only. She will hook up with you when it’s convenient for her, fill up her tank with attention/affirmation/sex as she feels she needs it, then she’s good for a while. This is not the type of relationship you want (even if she may be the partner you want). Things will only change when you decide to say no to the current situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darcus30 Posted August 20, 2022 Author Share Posted August 20, 2022 Thank you all, does anyone know the difference between limerance and love Link to post Share on other sites
Confused8647 Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 Darcus everything you are going through is exactly what I went through. I also thought of my relationship differently to my AP. To her it was just fun and when it started to become more serious she pulled away. You either accept it for what it is, and just sex when she needs to feel wanted or you wake up and realise you deserve more and are more. This is only going to end one way and very very badly. Please stop now why you can otherwise get ready to feel the pain like you could never imagine. She is not available and is not yours. She is using you and you need to accept she has another family and life. Be respectful and step back now and let her have her life with her family now!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darcus30 Posted August 20, 2022 Author Share Posted August 20, 2022 But she says all the time (crying sometimes) saying she wants to be with me and doesn't want to go home. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused8647 Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 26 minutes ago, Darcus30 said: But she says all the time (crying sometimes) saying she wants to be with me and doesn't want to go home. Yet she does go home to her family and her other life!! It will stop. I am sorry unless she leaves him now and puts you first all you are is a FWB and someone she cannot commit to. She will at some time start to pull away which you won’t accept and eventually you will push her away. You will say it’s because you love her and she may love you too but it will not be enough! Enjoy your fun and love making but this is not a relationship and never will be unless she will commit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darcus30 Posted August 20, 2022 Author Share Posted August 20, 2022 Why do you say she'll start to pull away? Is this what normally happens Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Darcus30 said: Thank you all, does anyone know the difference between limerance and love Limerence is generally infatuation. It's not a real thing in itself. It's often an excuse to explain why people get stuck in affairs, like a moth to flame as if they are helpless or powerless to make choices. As if some sort of brain chemistry highjacked their common sense. It's a frequent term used in infidelity communities to explain the continuation of painful yet exciting situations. Love is not wired like a slot machine waiting...waiting...waiting...for a brief thrill. It is enduring and involves respect for another, the relationship and self-respect. Edited August 20, 2022 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused8647 Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 14 minutes ago, Darcus30 said: Why do you say she'll start to pull away? Is this what normally happens Yes when she realises it’s too much, she can’t be two different people and if you push her too much and want her to message you or call you too much she will definitely pull away. I and others have been in your position and it will not end well. It’s clear you can’t see the end or what will happen. It will be very painful unless she decides you are what she wants and you are the one she wants to be with, but that is very unlikely. She went home like she always does, she has another life which does not include you. You are having an affair that’s it, plain and simple. It’s an affair which others will always look down on no matter what you hope it is or will be. I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 3 hours ago, Darcus30 said: For her to understand how I feel and to reassure me, when I'm feeling anxious She isn't your girlfriend, Darcus. Your expectations are unrealistic for an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 Her affair, his long term relationship. That’s exactly the mismatch in expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused8647 Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 8 minutes ago, Will am I said: Her affair, his long term relationship. That’s exactly the mismatch in expectations. Totally agree! She knows it’s an affair but he thinks they are in a relationship. That is the main reason this will never work! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darcus30 Posted August 20, 2022 Author Share Posted August 20, 2022 Ok so just had a long conversation on the phone and rightly or wrongly I asked the Q "I notice you've been distant and not messaging/calling as you did, she said she was aware of it, and its because things were not getting done, Says just because I don't message I'm always thinking of you. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 21, 2022 Share Posted August 21, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, Darcus30 said: Thank you all, does anyone know the difference between limerance and love Love is a multi-faceted thing and can be defined in many different ways, depending on what aspect you focus on. One definition is "an intense feeling of deep affection" which is somewhat close to limerence, but note that that definition could apply well to a family member or pet as well as a romantic partner. Limerence is a bona fide altered state of consciousness which typically involves affection but is often problematic/intrusive and has similarities with both addiction and OCD (including neural changes somewhat similar to the brains of cocaine addicts). You "can't stop thinking" about the other person. Some folks might equate it with love or even "true love" (e.g. the proverb "if love is not madness, it is not love") but note that limerence tends to have a limited duration of a year or two. You can read more about limerence on wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence Edited August 21, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 21, 2022 Share Posted August 21, 2022 4 hours ago, Darcus30 said: Says just because I don't message I'm always thinking of you. Words that mean nothing when you are sitting at home alone and she is living life with her family… Someday, you are going to understand that words without actions mean nothing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 21, 2022 Share Posted August 21, 2022 7 hours ago, Darcus30 said: But she says all the time (crying sometimes) saying she wants to be with me and doesn't want to go home. If she wanted to leave, she could do so this weekend. People with children separate and divorce every day… Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2022 Share Posted August 21, 2022 9 hours ago, Darcus30 said: Says just because I don't message I'm always thinking of you. And so? Is that enough for you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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