Having an affair

[seapebbles]

Bored? No, but frustrated and sad. I've been following your story and each time I see a new post I hope  that either the two of you have broken up, or that she has told her husband that she wants a divorce. But, it's another post saying how you're in pain and asking how to deal with it. Over and over you've been advised that the best way to handle it is to end the affair until she's 100% available to be in a relationship with you. If you're honest with yourself, you'll see that you're not really the type of person who can be happy as an AP. Between the house reno and the kids, you'll be the AP for a long time. 

Try to take a step back and look at the type of person she truly is. Instead of facing issues with her husband in an adult way, she's going outside the marriage to get her needs met and is willing to lie, deceive, and manipulate everyone for years to do so. And then justifies her actions. I'm sure she isn't suffering and posting to anonymous forums. Trust me, if her marriage was that bad she wouldn't be 'enduring' sex with her husband and would find a way to leave regardless if she had a man on the side or not. 

I'll continue to follow and hope you find peace in or out of this relationship. 

Edited August 27, 2022 by seapebbles

[S2B]

I agree, IF she thought it was so bad - she would have left. But she hasn’t.

she stays with him and complains about him.

have you ever considered that SHE is the problem within their relationship? 

remember - if she ends up with you she is accustomed to having someone else outside her primary relationship! So - it’s predictable she would complain about you then find someone who will listen to those made up complaints - then start having an affair with the next guy.

moat people have a pattern… if this is hers then don’t be surprised when she betrays you as well.

nothing, absolutely nothing could be wrong with her partner. It’s likely that something is terribly wrong with her…she is the one cheating on him. 

[Darcus30]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Then simply tell her to contact you when the other relationship is finished and OVER. 
why should you be second choice IF she really loves you? 
I think she loves having BOTH. She may never give up her primary relationship.

for what it’s worth = it doesn’t “just happen”. It takes TWO people making loads and loads of effort to keep things moving forward and being deceptive.

why not just call her primary lover and let him know he’s sharing her with you? I’m sure he knows something isn’t right.

either cause the other relationship to end or end the one you feel guilty about. Knock her off that fence. 

Not going to do that, that's cruel and horrible 

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Not going to do that, that's cruel and horrible 

And sneaking around behind her husband's back isn't cruel and horrible?

[Darcus30]

Ovoiusly it is yes but I'm not going to do that to her incase she decides to try and work it out with him

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

 incase she decides to try and work it out with him

There's nothing to "work out". They're on vacation, live together, have children, have sex, are remodelling their home, continuing to build their lives together. 

What gives you the impression they're not staying together? Is this what you are hoping?

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

incase she decides to try and work it out with him

She doesn't need to work it out. They're not broken up, and she's been clear she's not leaving him. 

[Darcus30]

2 hours ago, seapebbles said:

Bored? No, but frustrated and sad. I've been following your story and each time I see a new post I hope  that either the two of you have broken up, or that she has told her husband that she wants a divorce. But, it's another post saying how you're in pain and asking how to deal with it. Over and over you've been advised that the best way to handle it is to end the affair until she's 100% available to be in a relationship with you. If you're honest with yourself, you'll see that you're not really the type of person who can be happy as an AP. Between the house reno and the kids, you'll be the AP for a long time. 

Try to take a step back and look at the type of person she truly is. Instead of facing issues with her husband in an adult way, she's going outside the marriage to get her needs met and is willing to lie, deceive, and manipulate everyone for years to do so. And then justifies her actions. I'm sure she isn't suffering and posting to anonymous forums. Trust me, if her marriage was that bad she wouldn't be 'enduring' sex with her husband and would find a way to leave regardless if she had a man on the side or not. 

I'll continue to follow and hope you find peace in or out of this relationship. 

Thank you seapebbles, means alot, one day im surre a switch will go off in me, as you know she's away from today so I'm taking myself solo camping to the sea side tomorrow night, I'm not sure why, but for some reason hope  it will do me good 

[Darcus30]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She doesn't need to work it out. They're not broken up, and she's been clear she's not leaving him. 

She has said she wants too, but is scared, I kind of get that

[Wiseman2]

On 6/17/2022 at 4:21 PM, Darcus30 said:

 I've been single for 2 yrs.

What happened in your last relationship? Why did it end? 

While this woman seems to keep you company at times, she has an entire life with someone else.

While she's away enjoying her vacation with her partner, reflect on what it is you really want in life.

Do you still have contact with your ex-partner/children's mother? How old are your children now? Do either of them live with you?

Focus on better co-parenting and your kids lives and futures. This woman is just a distraction from your real pain of your partner leaving after 20 years together. And your children becoming more independent.

Edited August 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

She has said she wants too, but is scared, I kind of get that

Her wanting to leave is meaningless. 

She isn't leaving. That is what counts. Thus, there is nothing to "work out" with her partner. They aren't broken up. 

[Darcus30]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What happened in your last relationship? Why did it end? 

While this woman seems to keep you company at times, she has an entire life with someone else.

While she's away enjoying her vacation with her partner, reflect on what it is you really want in life.

Do you still have contact with your ex-partner/children's mother? How old are your children now? Do either of them live with you?

Focus on better co-parenting and your kids lives and futures. This woman is just a distraction from your real pain of your partner leaving after 20 years together. And your children becoming more independent.

We just naturally drifted apart, once the girls were grown up We realised had nothing in common, they are 19 and 23

[Davina1]

Darcus I hope you enjoy your solo camping at the coast . Get out and walk walk walk .  My life saver .

At least you got out of your unhappy marriage .   My exAP told me he would never leave his wife .   Least he was honest . 
my husband has health problems  and I help care for some of his extended family so I’m putting my efforts into that whilst also enjoying time with my grownup  daughter, my sister and my friends .  

living for a few snatched emails and occasional meet up is not living and it’s not fair on any  party involved. But it takes time to get to that place . 
 

take care of yourself and be kind to yourself this coming week . 
 

 

[Darcus30]

54 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

Darcus I hope you enjoy your solo camping at the coast . Get out and walk walk walk .  My life saver .

At least you got out of your unhappy marriage .   My exAP told me he would never leave his wife .   Least he was honest . 
my husband has health problems  and I help care for some of his extended family so I’m putting my efforts into that whilst also enjoying time with my grownup  daughter, my sister and my friends .  

living for a few snatched emails and occasional meet up is not living and it’s not fair on any  party involved. But it takes time to get to that place . 
 

take care of yourself and be kind to yourself this coming week . 
 

 

Thank you Davina

Yes I intend to do alot of walking, really good for mental heath I find,  yes at least you knew where you stood! Did you end it, from memory I think you said you did.

I take it currently you are just going through the motions with your husband?   Do you hope to find love one day .

My daughters are grown up now and it is good to enjoy them. 

It's day one of AP being on holiday and I am finding it hard to get her off my mind - she been messaging already so know I'm on her mind too.  

I'm sure you recall the heart ache. 

I feel a little odd going camping on my own but it's not abnormal is it? 

[Davina1]

Not at all abnormal . Solo travel is very popular these days . Go for it !

i am not even considering finding love again Darcus . Content enough as I am .   Who knows what’s for us around the corner anyway .  
 

yes I recall the heartache of his vacation .  Put up with it for too long . Difference is he made me feel unreasonable and sad over it !  What would happen with me is she loved the pool so she would disappear all morn and afternoon. He hated it so would sit in shade or air conditioning and email me lots .  And I foolishly replied lots . Then 5 pm would come and their pre dinner prep and drinks then out for dinner and I wouldn’t here a word until he was off to bed . And a bare good night is all I would get . Then the next morning when he was bored and left alone he would take me back out to keep him company .  Then I would get needy and he told me I was passive aggressive ( yeah perhaps I did ) and then I would apologise . So on and so forth .  

[Darcus30]

33 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

Not at all abnormal . Solo travel is very popular these days . Go for it !

i am not even considering finding love again Darcus . Content enough as I am .   Who knows what’s for us around the corner anyway .  
 

yes I recall the heartache of his vacation .  Put up with it for too long . Difference is he made me feel unreasonable and sad over it !  What would happen with me is she loved the pool so she would disappear all morn and afternoon. He hated it so would sit in shade or air conditioning and email me lots .  And I foolishly replied lots . Then 5 pm would come and their pre dinner prep and drinks then out for dinner and I wouldn’t here a word until he was off to bed . And a bare good night is all I would get . Then the next morning when he was bored and left alone he would take me back out to keep him company .  Then I would get needy and he told me I was passive aggressive ( yeah perhaps I did ) and then I would apologise . So on and so forth .  

Yes as you say we ne er know what's  around the corner Davina, but don't give up on love, its out there!  

You sound exactly how I am right now, soon as the phone pings your on it and messaging back right away, although now u try to leave it five before responding (sad I know)

I too get needy sometimes and need that validation, I can't help it 

Interestingly though if she trys to call me and in say on another call she'll always say who are you speaking too) lol

I said I'm going solo camping and she was acting a little jealous as in hope you don't meet anybody there .

 

 

[mark clemson]

I think it's a fair question whether sneaking around behind a spouse's back is cruel and horrible IF they never find out and are otherwise reasonably happy in the marriage. That's a big if of course. Leaving it alone is less cruel than telling the spouse? I think it's a matter of opinion and clearly many people feel exactly that way. There are those that don't of course, but I've come to suspect that their prevalence/vocal nature in online forums such as Reddit makes them seem more common than they are. What exactly does one get by blowing up someone else's marriage anyhow? If one wants to "right wrongs", can't one help homeless people or starving children or something instead? Seems like it would be more beneficial to more people.

At any rate, leaving that question/matter of opinion aside, OP it does appear that blowing up her marriage is exactly what she's not willing to do. I get the idea of, in your situation, waiting for a while, but I honestly think there's a good chance you'll be waiting in vain (and I'd be willing to tell you if I thought otherwise). This woman is "getting you" AND her married life both. From her perspective, why should she change things?

[Allupinnit]

You're not too needy.  You want what everyone wants/needs in a relationship.  The problem is trying to tell yourself that you don't because she's married.

[Darcus30]

Yes thats soooo true x

[Myabee]

On 8/27/2022 at 3:04 AM, Darcus30 said:

She has said she wants too, but is scared, I kind of get that

Honestly I sense a lot of unneeded hurt headed your way here. As a person who became involved with MM who was scared to leave I really truly regret the whole thing now. Some 9 months later the pain is still there. Really all you are doing is playing with fire here and will end up getting burned. 

[Darcus30]

Hi myabee

Who ended yours can I ask?

How long was the affair active for? 

I know ita painful and we don't mean to get into these situations.

I hope your ok

[Myabee]

15 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Hi myabee

Who ended yours can I ask?

How long was the affair active for? 

I know ita painful and we don't mean to get into these situations.

I hope your ok

He ended it. This all went down around last thanksgiving. He claimed she found a text or texts on his phone. He then claimed he needed to not be in contact and that he was not sure how long it would take to end a 19 year marraige but in his words exactly " I assume probably more then 3 weeks" What I learned was this was all a crock. Leaving it semi open for his benefit yet really with zero intention of ever being in touch again. Since Nov 20, 2021 I have been blocked everywhere. This was gut wrenching and not worth all the pain. He's a lying cheater. It went on for about 20 months constant contact daily. 

[Confused8647]

I love how Darcus keeps asking everyone how their A ended and how long it was, yet seems to take no notice of the advice everyone is providing. Darcus I wish you well, but I know you will be back posting how she broke your heart and how upset you are. Everyone’s story is different and I hope yours works out for you.

[Darcus30]

23 minutes ago, Myabee said:

He ended it. This all went down around last thanksgiving. He claimed she found a text or texts on his phone. He then claimed he needed to not be in contact and that he was not sure how long it would take to end a 19 year marraige but in his words exactly " I assume probably more then 3 weeks" What I learned was this was all a crock. Leaving it semi open for his benefit yet really with zero intention of ever being in touch again. Since Nov 20, 2021 I have been blocked everywhere. This was gut wrenching and not worth all the pain. He's a lying cheater. It went on for about 20 months constant contact daily. 

Evil pure evil, why would he go from daily contact to wanting to end it 🤷‍♂️

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Evil pure evil, why would he go from daily contact to wanting to end it 🤷‍♂️

Because when push comes to shove after being caught, many cheaters will choose their spouses and not their APs. 

APs get discarded.