Having an affair

[Darcus30]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She doesn't need to work it out. They're not broken up, and she's been clear she's not leaving him. 

She has said she wants too, but is scared, I kind of get that

[Wiseman2]

On 6/17/2022 at 4:21 PM, Darcus30 said:

 I've been single for 2 yrs.

What happened in your last relationship? Why did it end? 

While this woman seems to keep you company at times, she has an entire life with someone else.

While she's away enjoying her vacation with her partner, reflect on what it is you really want in life.

Do you still have contact with your ex-partner/children's mother? How old are your children now? Do either of them live with you?

Focus on better co-parenting and your kids lives and futures. This woman is just a distraction from your real pain of your partner leaving after 20 years together. And your children becoming more independent.

Edited August 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

She has said she wants too, but is scared, I kind of get that

Her wanting to leave is meaningless. 

She isn't leaving. That is what counts. Thus, there is nothing to "work out" with her partner. They aren't broken up. 

[Darcus30]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What happened in your last relationship? Why did it end? 

While this woman seems to keep you company at times, she has an entire life with someone else.

While she's away enjoying her vacation with her partner, reflect on what it is you really want in life.

Do you still have contact with your ex-partner/children's mother? How old are your children now? Do either of them live with you?

Focus on better co-parenting and your kids lives and futures. This woman is just a distraction from your real pain of your partner leaving after 20 years together. And your children becoming more independent.

We just naturally drifted apart, once the girls were grown up We realised had nothing in common, they are 19 and 23

[Davina1]

Darcus I hope you enjoy your solo camping at the coast . Get out and walk walk walk .  My life saver .

At least you got out of your unhappy marriage .   My exAP told me he would never leave his wife .   Least he was honest . 
my husband has health problems  and I help care for some of his extended family so I’m putting my efforts into that whilst also enjoying time with my grownup  daughter, my sister and my friends .  

living for a few snatched emails and occasional meet up is not living and it’s not fair on any  party involved. But it takes time to get to that place . 
 

take care of yourself and be kind to yourself this coming week . 
 

 

[Darcus30]

54 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

Darcus I hope you enjoy your solo camping at the coast . Get out and walk walk walk .  My life saver .

At least you got out of your unhappy marriage .   My exAP told me he would never leave his wife .   Least he was honest . 
my husband has health problems  and I help care for some of his extended family so I’m putting my efforts into that whilst also enjoying time with my grownup  daughter, my sister and my friends .  

living for a few snatched emails and occasional meet up is not living and it’s not fair on any  party involved. But it takes time to get to that place . 
 

take care of yourself and be kind to yourself this coming week . 
 

 

Thank you Davina

Yes I intend to do alot of walking, really good for mental heath I find,  yes at least you knew where you stood! Did you end it, from memory I think you said you did.

I take it currently you are just going through the motions with your husband?   Do you hope to find love one day .

My daughters are grown up now and it is good to enjoy them. 

It's day one of AP being on holiday and I am finding it hard to get her off my mind - she been messaging already so know I'm on her mind too.  

I'm sure you recall the heart ache. 

I feel a little odd going camping on my own but it's not abnormal is it? 

[Davina1]

Not at all abnormal . Solo travel is very popular these days . Go for it !

i am not even considering finding love again Darcus . Content enough as I am .   Who knows what’s for us around the corner anyway .  
 

yes I recall the heartache of his vacation .  Put up with it for too long . Difference is he made me feel unreasonable and sad over it !  What would happen with me is she loved the pool so she would disappear all morn and afternoon. He hated it so would sit in shade or air conditioning and email me lots .  And I foolishly replied lots . Then 5 pm would come and their pre dinner prep and drinks then out for dinner and I wouldn’t here a word until he was off to bed . And a bare good night is all I would get . Then the next morning when he was bored and left alone he would take me back out to keep him company .  Then I would get needy and he told me I was passive aggressive ( yeah perhaps I did ) and then I would apologise . So on and so forth .  

[Darcus30]

33 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

Not at all abnormal . Solo travel is very popular these days . Go for it !

i am not even considering finding love again Darcus . Content enough as I am .   Who knows what’s for us around the corner anyway .  
 

yes I recall the heartache of his vacation .  Put up with it for too long . Difference is he made me feel unreasonable and sad over it !  What would happen with me is she loved the pool so she would disappear all morn and afternoon. He hated it so would sit in shade or air conditioning and email me lots .  And I foolishly replied lots . Then 5 pm would come and their pre dinner prep and drinks then out for dinner and I wouldn’t here a word until he was off to bed . And a bare good night is all I would get . Then the next morning when he was bored and left alone he would take me back out to keep him company .  Then I would get needy and he told me I was passive aggressive ( yeah perhaps I did ) and then I would apologise . So on and so forth .  

Yes as you say we ne er know what's  around the corner Davina, but don't give up on love, its out there!  

You sound exactly how I am right now, soon as the phone pings your on it and messaging back right away, although now u try to leave it five before responding (sad I know)

I too get needy sometimes and need that validation, I can't help it 

Interestingly though if she trys to call me and in say on another call she'll always say who are you speaking too) lol

I said I'm going solo camping and she was acting a little jealous as in hope you don't meet anybody there .

 

 

[mark clemson]

I think it's a fair question whether sneaking around behind a spouse's back is cruel and horrible IF they never find out and are otherwise reasonably happy in the marriage. That's a big if of course. Leaving it alone is less cruel than telling the spouse? I think it's a matter of opinion and clearly many people feel exactly that way. There are those that don't of course, but I've come to suspect that their prevalence/vocal nature in online forums such as Reddit makes them seem more common than they are. What exactly does one get by blowing up someone else's marriage anyhow? If one wants to "right wrongs", can't one help homeless people or starving children or something instead? Seems like it would be more beneficial to more people.

At any rate, leaving that question/matter of opinion aside, OP it does appear that blowing up her marriage is exactly what she's not willing to do. I get the idea of, in your situation, waiting for a while, but I honestly think there's a good chance you'll be waiting in vain (and I'd be willing to tell you if I thought otherwise). This woman is "getting you" AND her married life both. From her perspective, why should she change things?

[Allupinnit]

You're not too needy.  You want what everyone wants/needs in a relationship.  The problem is trying to tell yourself that you don't because she's married.

[Darcus30]

Yes thats soooo true x

[Myabee]

On 8/27/2022 at 3:04 AM, Darcus30 said:

She has said she wants too, but is scared, I kind of get that

Honestly I sense a lot of unneeded hurt headed your way here. As a person who became involved with MM who was scared to leave I really truly regret the whole thing now. Some 9 months later the pain is still there. Really all you are doing is playing with fire here and will end up getting burned. 

[Darcus30]

Hi myabee

Who ended yours can I ask?

How long was the affair active for? 

I know ita painful and we don't mean to get into these situations.

I hope your ok

[Myabee]

15 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Hi myabee

Who ended yours can I ask?

How long was the affair active for? 

I know ita painful and we don't mean to get into these situations.

I hope your ok

He ended it. This all went down around last thanksgiving. He claimed she found a text or texts on his phone. He then claimed he needed to not be in contact and that he was not sure how long it would take to end a 19 year marraige but in his words exactly " I assume probably more then 3 weeks" What I learned was this was all a crock. Leaving it semi open for his benefit yet really with zero intention of ever being in touch again. Since Nov 20, 2021 I have been blocked everywhere. This was gut wrenching and not worth all the pain. He's a lying cheater. It went on for about 20 months constant contact daily. 

[Confused8647]

I love how Darcus keeps asking everyone how their A ended and how long it was, yet seems to take no notice of the advice everyone is providing. Darcus I wish you well, but I know you will be back posting how she broke your heart and how upset you are. Everyone’s story is different and I hope yours works out for you.

[Darcus30]

23 minutes ago, Myabee said:

He ended it. This all went down around last thanksgiving. He claimed she found a text or texts on his phone. He then claimed he needed to not be in contact and that he was not sure how long it would take to end a 19 year marraige but in his words exactly " I assume probably more then 3 weeks" What I learned was this was all a crock. Leaving it semi open for his benefit yet really with zero intention of ever being in touch again. Since Nov 20, 2021 I have been blocked everywhere. This was gut wrenching and not worth all the pain. He's a lying cheater. It went on for about 20 months constant contact daily. 

Evil pure evil, why would he go from daily contact to wanting to end it 🤷‍♂️

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Evil pure evil, why would he go from daily contact to wanting to end it 🤷‍♂️

Because when push comes to shove after being caught, many cheaters will choose their spouses and not their APs. 

APs get discarded. 

[Myabee]

17 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Evil pure evil, why would he go from daily contact to wanting to end it 🤷‍♂️

Either he seriously was found out and ran scared  and tried to fix the marriage, Or a new OW came along. Will I ever know the real truth? No. What I do know is it's a waste of my time to ruminate over that! What is pure evil.... affairs. Affairs are evil and deceptive. You are making a huge mistake continuing on with this MW.  

[Allupinnit]

37 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

I love how Darcus keeps asking everyone how their A ended and how long it was, yet seems to take no notice of the advice everyone is providing. Darcus I wish you well, but I know you will be back posting how she broke your heart and how upset you are. Everyone’s story is different and I hope yours works out for you.

I used to do the same thing when I got dumped and scoured the internet for hope that my ex would come back.  Wanted to know everyone's story about how they made it happen.  I believe it's called "hopium" lol

Deep down OP knows she's never going to leave.  At least, logically he does.  But he is still addicted to the crumbs he gets when she's not busy with her boyfriend/family/kids/home renovations.

[Will am I]

The topic remains active. But I feel the conversation has been going around in circles for a while.

Make up your mind @Darcus30. Not because I would want to pass judgement on which direction you should take. Not because I want to be a moralist. Just for the sake of your heart. Because this situation is slowly killing you and you know it.

Either choose to be with your AP and ask her to leave her marriage and be with you. Or choose to free yourself of this situation, heal your wounds and find love from a partner who is available to you. You have been in a long committed relationship, you know that you can do it and don't have to live on crumbs of love from MW.

[Darcus30]

5 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I used to do the same thing when I got dumped and scoured the internet for hope that my ex would come back.  Wanted to know everyone's story about how they made it happen.  I believe it's called "hopium" lol

Deep down OP knows she's never going to leave.  At least, logically he does.  But he is still addicted to the crumbs he gets when she's not busy with her boyfriend/family/kids/home renovations.

I am here you know, but yes you are right, so right 

[Darcus30]

2 minutes ago, Will am I said:

The topic remains active. But I feel the conversation has been going around in circles for a while.

Make up your mind @Darcus30. Not because I would want to pass judgement on which direction you should take. Not because I want to be a moralist. Just for the sake of your heart. Because this situation is slowly killing you and you know it.

Either choose to be with your AP and ask her to leave her marriage and be with you. Or choose to free yourself of this situation, heal your wounds and find love from a partner who is available to you. You have been in a long committed relationship, you know that you can do it and don't have to live on crumbs of love from MW.

Thank you Will . Yes I will ask her once she's back k from holiday, I can stop posting if this is starting to amnoy people. 

I'm fully aware I go on and on , yes im on a tread mill I'm affraid

[Will am I]

Don’t worry about us being annoyed. If we get annoyed we simply jump to another topic or leave the forum for a while.

Worry about the incremental damage to your own emotions and spirit. 

Move forward. It’s the only way. Either with or without your affair partner.

 

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Worry about the incremental damage to your own emotions and spirit. 

 

This exactly! Because this is it in a nutshell. This damage is real and very hurtful. Even worse when we allow it. In my case I will be very up front in saying I was not a victim. I put myself  in a very bad situation only to set myself up for emotional damage. The sooner you set a frim boundary and un attach the better off you will be.  

[Bubble_20]

47 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because when push comes to shove after being caught, many cheaters will choose their spouses and not their APs. 

APs get discarded. 

Sad but true. Although in my case there was no D Day. A simple change in work shift patterns would mean a lot more bare face lying to the spouse to explain his whereabouts. He weighed up his options and ended things.
Not too long before this change of heart I was told he was thinking of packing a bag to leave! 
Unbelievably I still get random “I miss you”. 
Many have tried to warn you but you’re still clinging onto hope. This is usually a fruitless and time wasting endeavour. 
You need to ask yourself why you are seeking validation and approval from an Internet forum rather than the woman herself? Is it because you know deep down that what she’s telling you isn’t pointing to a happy ever after? 
I’ve known people (not many!) who have left their primary relationships and marriages for someone else. So it does happen. But as someone on here has already mentioned, BOTH parties in the affair made a plan and set about making it happen. I don’t believe it was a one sided mission.