Having an affair

[Davina1]

11 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Ok so just had a long conversation on the phone and rightly or wrongly I asked the Q "I notice you've been distant and not messaging/calling as you did, she said she was aware of it, and its because things were not getting done, Says just because I don't message I'm always thinking of you.

 

The amount of times I heard that phrase “ I am thinking of you “ . She is compartmentalising you .   In the beginning when she was messaging from the toilet etc it was new and exciting too . I empathise with how you are feeling . I would do that  too pulling back to see if he would notice but he never did really . just let her go 

[Darcus30]

Ok so just had a long conversation on the phone and rightly or wrongly I asked the Q "I notice you've been distant and not messaging/calling as you did, she said she was aware of it, and its because things were not getting done, Says just because I don't message I'm always thinking of you.

Thank you, did you end yours then? 

Did you find yourself waiting by your phone for a message, I was, have stopped it now though, if she messags she messages, I would sadly always message back right away to 

[Davina1]

Yes I lived by the phone and what’s worse he would only email me 99 per cent of time . Refused to talk on phone . Once he told me  as she was not working for a few weeks he would phone me few weeks later . That was the real beginning of the end Took me a long time to disconnect . I wasted hundreds of hours writing and deleting emails , waiting for emails which would literally come in and say “ thinking of you “  We didn’t live in the same country though but it was so hard .  I finished it yes .i went to see him in person . I think reality was he got everything from his wife bar one thing .  And I wasn’t prepared to give that one thing when he had such a connection with his wife . I couldn’t cope . 
 

Darcus you are no different to everyone on here . Be it we are married in affairs or affairs with someone unavailable like your AP , we are here because we hurt .  But listen to these  good people . The advice is spot on. You need to get angry about how this makes you feel and finish it ! 

[Confused8647]

55 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

Yes I lived by the phone and what’s worse he would only email me 99 per cent of time . Refused to talk on phone . Once he told me  as she was not working for a few weeks he would phone me few weeks later . That was the real beginning of the end Took me a long time to disconnect . I wasted hundreds of hours writing and deleting emails , waiting for emails which would literally come in and say “ thinking of you “  We didn’t live in the same country though but it was so hard .  I finished it yes .i went to see him in person . I think reality was he got everything from his wife bar one thing .  And I wasn’t prepared to give that one thing when he had such a connection with his wife . I couldn’t cope . 
 

Darcus you are no different to everyone on here . Be it we are married in affairs or affairs with someone unavailable like your AP , we are here because we hurt .  But listen to these  good people . The advice is spot on. You need to get angry about how this makes you feel and finish it ! 

Darcus @Davina1is spot on. We have all been in your position, and as has been said she may be thinking of you, and even may have feelings for you but the reality is she is with someone else. She should not be seeking affection or connection with you or anyone until she resolves her current situation. This is all fantasy. Believe me, I have said the same as you until I came to realise that the excitement for her wore off and she found it to difficult and it became too much for her to lead a double life. I still have strong feelings for my AP but have accepted it for what it was, at the time it was incredible, but we started off on the wrong playing field and our love never stood a chance. Stop hanging on ever I miss you or I’m thinking of you. Go live your life, find that girl who is available and thinks you're worth spending all their time with. They are out there believe you deserve better!!

[Darcus30]

1 hour ago, Davina1 said:

Yes I lived by the phone and what’s worse he would only email me 99 per cent of time . Refused to talk on phone . Once he told me  as she was not working for a few weeks he would phone me few weeks later . That was the real beginning of the end Took me a long time to disconnect . I wasted hundreds of hours writing and deleting emails , waiting for emails which would literally come in and say “ thinking of you “  We didn’t live in the same country though but it was so hard .  I finished it yes .i went to see him in person . I think reality was he got everything from his wife bar one thing .  And I wasn’t prepared to give that one thing when he had such a connection with his wife . I couldn’t cope . 
 

Darcus you are no different to everyone on here . Be it we are married in affairs or affairs with someone unavailable like your AP , we are here because we hurt .  But listen to these  good people . The advice is spot on. You need to get angry about how this makes you feel and finish it ! 

Thank you, how did it go? Was it painful? Did he try and stop you?

Are you happy now? 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Was it painful?

Is she busier on weekends? Is that what you're referring to and why you're more forlorn at these times?

[Darcus30]

Yes she is, that's when I find it a struggle, sad as it sounds not knowing what she's doing. I sometimes literally pace about the house and thats not healthy 

[Davina1]

3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you, how did it go? Was it painful? Did he try and stop you?

Are you happy now? 

Yes was painful and no he didn’t try and stop me at all .  He didn’t want a relationship with me he only wanted me to stoke his ego of that I am sure now . 
 

Am I happy ? im doing ok . I try to do things I enjoy . I read , hike , meet friends and  i try to go to anything I’m invited too or help out with things  when asked .  I work  hard . 
i do have a partner but really just live  in the same house . We do extremely litte together . . I  look after his elderly sick mother  and his sister with special needs so it’s a hard one .  But I’m content with life right now .  

[Davina1]

3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Yes she is, that's when I find it a struggle, sad as it sounds not knowing what she's doing. I sometimes literally pace about the house and thats not healthy 

Get out for a walk it does help 

[Darcus30]

39 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

Yes was painful and no he didn’t try and stop me at all .  He didn’t want a relationship with me he only wanted me to stoke his ego of that I am sure now . 
 

Am I happy ? im doing ok . I try to do things I enjoy . I read , hike , meet friends and  i try to go to anything I’m invited too or help out with things  when asked .  I work  hard . 
i do have a partner but really just live  in the same house . We do extremely litte together . . I  look after his elderly sick mother  and his sister with special needs so it’s a hard one .  But I’m content with life right now .  

Blimey that sounds like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. 

Glad your happy though, I'd imagine you keep comparing partner to your SO 

[Darcus30]

Thank you, im just back from a bike ride and your right, it has helped - thank you

[Davina1]

9 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Blimey that sounds like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. 

Glad your happy though, I'd imagine you keep comparing partner to your SO 

I compared  on certain things but I’m also very aware that living with AP would have serious challenges . There is a lot about him I really would have struggled with  once the blinkers came off lol 😆 

hey good on you doing a bike ride .  Get a good book or a box set for the eve .  

 

[Darcus30]

Yes I can see where your coming from.

The ride helped loads, going to open  a bottle of wine, have a bath and get lost in stranger things (netflix)

[Will am I]

I wouldn’t recommend finishing the whole bottle on your own, but for the rest it sounds like a plan.

The underlying problem is bigger though. You refuse to distance yourself emotionally from your AP, as a result you refuse to open up to other potential partners.

The result is that you’re simply stuck in this situation where you’re sustaining a long affar in  which you’re never getting your needs met. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Darcus, where do you realitically see this going? 

I don't mean what you want to happen. I mean what you think is actually possible, based on the current circumstances. What sort of partner do you think she would be, if you finally had her all to yourself? Someone you could rely on to be honest? 

[Darcus30]

Well I hope that we'll end up together! As you said, you don't really know someone until you live with them 

[Darcus30]

36 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I wouldn’t recommend finishing the whole bottle on your own, but for the rest it sounds like a plan.

The underlying problem is bigger though. You refuse to distance yourself emotionally from your AP, as a result you refuse to open up to other potential partners.

The result is that you’re simply stuck in this situation where you’re sustaining a long affar in  which you’re never getting your needs met. 

I wont drink it all, this is what I miss being able to share a bottle and have a chat etc.   Want to share it? (Just to clarify I'm joking) I have a wacky sense of humour so pls dont take offence 

I totally get what your saying but I'm not ready toes go yet, everyone on here tells me a switch will just trigger, so fingers crossed it'll cone soon

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Darcus30 said:

Well I hope that we'll end up together! As you said, you don't really know someone until you live with them 

That wasn't my question, though. 

I asked where, based on her current situation, you see this going? She hasn't given you any concrete indication that she is leaving him. 

[Jonttu]

8 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Ok so just had a long conversation on the phone and rightly or wrongly I asked the Q "I notice you've been distant and not messaging/calling as you did, she said she was aware of it, and its because things were not getting done, Says just because I don't message I'm always thinking of you.

Thank you, did you end yours then? 

Did you find yourself waiting by your phone for a message, I was, have stopped it now though, if she messags she messages, I would sadly always message back right away to 

I am a very submissive woman, so when dating a guy who believed he respected immensly dominant women, it was the beginning of the end. I knew it, he didn't.

He got irritated because I always made own plans - after - hearing his plans. He was my priority. No jealousy. I only wanted him to tell about his own plans, so that I could make own plans after that.

He raged at me, ordering me to do my own stuff without taking his plans in regard.

That was his mistake, mistake that he couldn't rectify anymore.

I went out with the girls - it was before cell phones - and had lots of fun. Didn't even think about him, grew more and more distant, he was like a room mate to me.

He cried and begged me to check his plans before making my own plans, but it was too late. He had already 'set me free'. I didn't have to take him in regard anymore.

In the bittersweet end I was out partying with my friends in bars and restaurants, always faithful, while he was hysterically driving around the town, asking people if they knew where I was. He tried to get angry at me, but he didn't have a leg to stand on. He had his chance and he blew it.

Trust me, if you start to make plans without taking her in regard and enjoy your life, you will feel distant to her in a flash.

Oh and  one devious thing; if you tell her that you have me  a wonderful girl (true or false), she will do everything in her power to reel you back and live the life she has decided for you; waiting anxiously at home. Alone.

[Darcus30]

18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That wasn't my question, though. 

I asked where, based on her current situation, you see this going? She hasn't given you any concrete indication that she is leaving him. 

She said she is once the extension is finished 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Darcus30 said:

She said she is once the extension is finished 

Oh, Darcus. 

I hope you don't actually believe that. It's an almost comical excuse, man. 

[Darcus30]

11 minutes ago, Jonttu said:

I am a very submissive woman, so when dating a guy who believed he respected immensly dominant women, it was the beginning of the end. I knew it, he didn't.

He got irritated because I always made own plans - after - hearing his plans. He was my priority. No jealousy. I only wanted him to tell about his own plans, so that I could make own plans after that.

He raged at me, ordering me to do my own stuff without taking his plans in regard.

That was his mistake, mistake that he couldn't rectify anymore.

I went out with the girls - it was before cell phones - and had lots of fun. Didn't even think about him, grew more and more distant, he was like a room mate to me.

He cried and begged me to check his plans before making my own plans, but it was too late. He had already 'set me free'. I didn't have to take him in regard anymore.

In the bittersweet end I was out partying with my friends in bars and restaurants, always faithful, while he was hysterically driving around the town, asking people if they knew where I was. He tried to get angry at me, but he didn't have a leg to stand on. He had his chance and he blew it.

Trust me, if you start to make plans without taking her in regard and enjoy your life, you will feel distant to her in a flash.

Oh and  one devious thing; if you tell her that you have me  a wonderful girl (true or false), she will do everything in her power to reel you back and live the life she has decided for you; waiting anxiously at home. Alone.

I'm sure you are a wonderful girl, I may try that one if it's OK with you lol 

[Jonttu]

10 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

I'm sure you are a wonderful girl, I may try that one if it's OK with you lol 

Thank you, that was so sweet of you to say. Please try it out if you feel like it.

Oh and Best of Luck to You

[Will am I]

I think the most relevant piece of advice I can give you is this: look deep in your own heart.

Is there a special reason why you fall for an unavailable partner? 

 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

As you said, you don't really know someone until you live with them 

Indeed, I think you will have to live with this woman before you are able to understand and accept her for what she truly is… You seem intent on learning this lesson the hard way. 

Edited August 21, 2022 by BaileyB