Having an affair

[CloudyHead]

The only way you will move on is when you decide that your well-being and mental health are more important than her.  My involvement with MM completely shredded my self-esteem and sense of self-worth.  My days were spent waiting for a call or text from MM, wondering when and where we could meet, etc.  I look back now and regret the time I lost just waiting and waiting and waiting.  I cannot get that time back.  MM did leave his wife for me.  We had a relationship for about 8 years . . .3 years while he was married and 5 years after he left his wife, to the best of my recollection.  MM cheated on me repeatedly.  Our relationship ended 7 years ago when he cheated on me with a married woman.  MM ended our relationship in a mean ugly manner.  MM continued to call me, send flowers, etc.  I chose to make lists of all the ways he made me feel as I never wanted to feel those feelings and pain again. 

[Confused8647]

Darcus we have all tried to tell you where this is heading. The extension comment is ridiculous, why wait till then to leave! If she is going to leave she doesn’t need to wait.

I am afraid you’re going to be hurt very soon. As others have said and as the last comment said, if she ever left, you could never trust her. She would most likely bore of you and go find someone else!

Edited August 22, 2022 by Confused8647

[Darcus30]

38 minutes ago, CloudyHead said:

The only way you will move on is when you decide that your well-being and mental health are more important than her.  My involvement with MM completely shredded my self-esteem and sense of self-worth.  My days were spent waiting for a call or text from MM, wondering when and where we could meet, etc.  I look back now and regret the time I lost just waiting and waiting and waiting.  I cannot get that time back.  MM did leave his wife for me.  We had a relationship for about 8 years . . .3 years while he was married and 5 years after he left his wife, to the best of my recollection.  MM cheated on me repeatedly.  Our relationship ended 7 years ago when he cheated on me with a married woman.  MM ended our relationship in a mean ugly manner.  MM continued to call me, send flowers, etc.  I chose to make lists of all the ways he made me feel as I never wanted to feel those feelings and pain again. 

So sorry, that's awful, so I guess it proves that saying if they can do it with you they can do it too you.

Take care

[Allupinnit]

You want a shortcut from the pain you know you'll feel when you end things for good and block her number.  That's the only way out of this for you with any shred of dignity.  Since her BF knows she's messing around and is suspicious I think it's only a matter of time before she's caught.

There is no shortcut from the pain, we aren't wired that way.  This is the incredible price you pay when you're involved in an affair.  

If she loved you so much there wouldn't be any lame excuses about the timeline when she can leave, and that's because she isn't going to. 

An extension on what?  The house?  She's going through the time and great expense of adding an addition to her home and saying she's going to leave right when it's done?  LOL dude come on you know that's total BS, why would she do all of that?  The house will then just be that much better for her and her family, and why walk away from such a lucrative investment?

 

Edited August 22, 2022 by Allupinnit

[Will am I]

13 hours ago, CloudyHead said:

MM did leave his wife for me.  We had a relationship for about 8 years . . .3 years while he was married and 5 years after he left his wife, to the best of my recollection.  MM cheated on me repeatedly.

 

13 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

So sorry, that's awful, so I guess it proves that saying if they can do it with you they can do it too you.

 

@Darcus30So you know. 

The only thing left to do is to convert knowledge into action. It appears to me that are fighting some strong internal resistance. 

Look into that: what are your resistances? I would guess there's desire (to be with your AP). There's love (yes I believe that there can be genuine love in these affairs), maybe there is fear (of loneliness if you get out of the affair). And maybe there are other factors at play.

 

One thing has been versy clear for a while. Ending the affair is the only way forward. 

You're in a situation where she's your all and you're her side piece. Not good.

 

Actually I believe that respectfully ending the affair and reclaiming your dignity could even increase the chance of ending up in a permanent relation with your AP. Because your current behavior does not lead in that direction, it will keep you as the side piece. And if you don't end up with AP, you end up a free man and you'll eventually meet someone else.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps there's a support group for other men/other women? That way on weekends when the married one is busy with their spouse and family there would be someone to talk to who's in the same boat and understands the pain.

Much like any other support group for gambling, addictions, drinking etc. It's harder for people not stuck in a cycle of addiction, compulsive behaviors, etc. to relate. So see if something like that exists in your area. It may help you get through it.

[R22X]

Hey,

I was with my ex partner for 4 years. I loved him but wasn't in love with him. We became incompatible and I was so unhappy however my family adored him and we lived together.

I ended up meeting a new man at work and was seeing him for 1 year behind my boyfriends back. The sex and fun and feelings I had with this new guy was unbelievable and I told him I loved him.

Almost 4 years later, I am with neither of the above men and soon after I left my boyfriend, I slowly started to lose all feelings/connections towards the new fella from work.

Leave her - you are a extension and always will be.

Find someone who will prioritize you always as their first.

[Will am I]

45 minutes ago, Rachel22 said:

I am with neither of the above men and soon after I left my boyfriend, I slowly started to lose all feelings/connections towards the new fella from work

I think this might be a very common pattern. One reason that make affairs so insanely exciting is that you're always limited in your time together and another reason is that there's always a sense of excitement associated with playing against the rules. Take these factors out and what's left is a relationship with someone who you might feel attracted to, but is not necessarily very compatible with you. Chances are it will fizzle out.

 

From my own experience,  there have been a few times that I came close to making the decision to leave my marriage. But divorcing my wife and building a new permanent relationship with my OW (now xOW) was never a plan. The reason is that I did recognize the areas of incompatibility. Even if on the character level we were actually a pretty good match (and I still find her an amazing young lady), on the level of where you are in life and what direction you're going... not so much. Affairs don't need compatibility, just attraction. Full time relationships need compatibility more than anything.

 

@Rachel22I hope you found true love since.

 

 

 

[Darcus30]

13 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

You want a shortcut from the pain you know you'll feel when you end things for good and block her number.  That's the only way out of this for you with any shred of dignity.  Since her BF knows she's messing around and is suspicious I think it's only a matter of time before she's caught.

There is no shortcut from the pain, we aren't wired that way.  This is the incredible price you pay when you're involved in an affair.  

If she loved you so much there wouldn't be any lame excuses about the timeline when she can leave, and that's because she isn't going to. 

An extension on what?  The house?  She's going through the time and great expense of adding an addition to her home and saying she's going to leave right when it's done?  LOL dude come on you know that's total BS, why would she do all of that?  The house will then just be that much better for her and her family, and why walk away from such a lucrative investment?

 

Yes the house, it was started before the affair, says wants it finished 1st do can sell 

[Allupinnit]

2 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Yes the house, it was started before the affair, says wants it finished 1st do can sell 

Too bad her boyfriend and kids don't know that and won't be able to enjoy it once she breaks it all up (allegedly that is).

Edited August 23, 2022 by Allupinnit

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Yes the house, it was started before the affair, says wants it finished 1st do can sell 

Be prepared for another excuse when this one expires, Darcus. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Be prepared for another excuse when this one expires, Darcus. 

Home renovations can be extended indefinitely… it’s always a work in progress. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, R22X said:

Almost 4 years later, I am with neither of the above men and soon after I left my boyfriend, I slowly started to lose all feelings/connections towards the new fella from work.

Very common - for both the MM and the OW (or vice versa for OP). When circumstances change, one tends to have a different perspective. Quite suddenly, the future is full of opportunities and the coping strategies/unhealthy relationships of the past are no longer needed… no longer appealing… 

Another cautionary tale Darcus - will you ever heed the warning?

 

Edited August 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[Will am I]

The overall feeling starts to line up more and more.

I sense that AP consciously wants out of the affair but there’s still too much infatuation to take that step. So the affair is stretched, one short period at the time, AP allowing herself just that little bit more indulgence.

This does not look like a pattern where she’ll leave her husband and move in with het AP. I’m sorry.

[Darcus30]

On 8/23/2022 at 6:38 PM, BaileyB said:

Home renovations can be extended indefinitely… it’s always a work in progress. 

Ok so she's going away on holiday with the family for a week on Saturday, going to be hard!   Any ideas for coping mechanisms?  What' should I say when she goes? Have a lovely time? Don't forget me or what? Dreading it 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Darcus30 said:

Ok so she's going away on holiday with the family for a week on Saturday.  Any ideas for coping mechanisms?  

Get a good profile and pics on some dating apps and start talking to and meeting single available women. This is your chance at freedom! When you open your eyes, you'll see a whole new world of possibilities out there.

[Davina1]

Finish it now and block her . I am telling you now it’s going to be the week from hell anyway so get it over and done with now .  I put in too many vacations while he went off with his wife. Made me so sad and miserable. Darcus please don’t do it to yourself 

[Darcus30]

I hear you but sadly i dont wamt to meet anyome else (sad i know)

its gonna be hard 

[Davina1]

It’s going to be awful. Will you be working ? I would be turning off all notifications 

[Darcus30]

7 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

It’s going to be awful. Will you be working ? I would be turning off all notifications 

Yes I'll be working thank god!   Have you been through the same can I ask 

[Davina1]

Yes in a way .  Darcus it’s soul destroying when they go on holiday and you literally get crumbs .  Knowing they are out for meals or drives or sitting at the pool.  But you get the odd ‘thinking of you ‘ . Or had a nice meal and glass of wine , or the “we” doing this or that . If I had had a crystal ball I would have run a marathon away . I wish you could see the future and run too 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Darcus30 said:

I hear you but sadly i dont wamt to meet anyome else (sad i know)

Why? You know on some level she be having fun, sleeping with her husband, having a romantic time, etc. Why can't you date single women?

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Ok so she's going away on holiday with the family for a week on Saturday, going to be hard!   Any ideas for coping mechanisms?  What' should I say when she goes?

What would I say - don’t contact me when you get home.

[Darcus30]

8 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Yes I'll be working thank god!   Have you been through the same can I ask 

Guess I'll have to try and forget about her for a week.  Question is would I sound needy if I tell her I'm going to miss her etc....   or should I pretend I'm not bothered. 

Thanks in advance 

[Davina1]

6 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Guess I'll have to try and forget about her for a week.  Question is would I sound needy if I tell her I'm going to miss her etc....   or should I pretend I'm not bothered. 

Thanks in advance 

Darcus you are obviously determined to not listen to any advice here . 
 

question - when did she tell you are going on holiday 

 

to answer your question I used to be needy , I would get angry , I would  pull back , I would spam him , I did everything and it all ended up me looking needy , feeling awful about myself and so many negative emotions . So I can’t advise as everything I did was wrong and I was just sad a lot . 
 

what can you do if your not going to heed any of the advice here ? I don’t know . I ageee with whoever said  to contact you when you get back and I think that’s the best answer .  
 

you will be waiting in crumbs from her she will be enjoying her holiday . Nice hotel , food , trips with family . You know the score . 
 

so tell her you are planning activities for the week and as she will be busy turn your phones off and for her to let you know when she is home and have a great time .   I bet after a day or. Two of not checking phone you will start to detox .   You seriously need to step away 

 

I do empathise as I went through it a few times .   I wasn’t living while he was out having fun . Do you really want that for yourself?  I can’t stress how much worse you will feel if you don’t take control of your life now .