Having an affair

[Darcus30]

Thank you your response. 

I do honestly listen to everyone e on here but I just do t want to let go! Pathetic I know, cause  she's not mean or anything and always sees/calls when possible, it's just more difficult when it's the school holidays. 

I knew months ago she was going away. She dis last year too but that didn't feel as bad for some reason .

She Really is unhappy at home and do eeive her when she says she doesn't  see a way out. Hope you don't all get bored with my adamacy not to end it all 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

56 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Question is would I sound needy if I tell her I'm going to miss her etc....   or should I pretend I'm not bothered. 

Does it matter if you sound needy?

She certainly isn't bothered about how she comes across to you, so you should not worry about how you come across to her. It doesn't change anything. She doesn't care if she seems distant or uninterested, so I don't think you pretending to be unbothered (or seeming needy) makes any difference. 

Yes, it's going to be hard to know she's off enjoying her partner and their kids on holiday. But this is what you signed up for, and continue to volunteer for by choosing to remain where you are. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Darcus30 said:

She Really is unhappy at home and do eeive her when she says she doesn't  see a way out.

You want to believe her. That doesn't make it true. 

This is more of the BS she feeds you. She knows how to leave. She is choosing not to leave. She is choosing him, however unhappy she claims to be. That says a lot - she'd rather be unhappy but stay with him, than be with you. 

[Davina1]

If she is so unhappy why is she going on holiday with him , 

there are many reasons someone will stay in a marriage even if unhappy and that I do know .  
 

is she making your life worse or better ? That’s the question I would be asking ? 

[Darcus30]

She wants to go for the kids, she's been open from the get go re her partner, said she hasn't loved him for years, and yes she does have to endure sex with him, she puts it off for as long as she can , says she hated him breathing on her, kissing her. I beleive her, if she didn't have kids I'm 100% sure she would have left.

Am I happy,? When I'm with her yes, when not it'd hard But I try to carry on with life, its been a 1 Yr and 4 months now,  our feelings are stronger which in turn makes the pain stronger, she cries sometimes saying she doesn't want to go home. I have no doubt in my mind she's staying for the children 

Thanks for listening 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

....   or should I pretend I'm not bothered.  

She knows how you feel already. She just doesn't care, so pretending you're cool with it serves no purpose.

[Darcus30]

1 hour ago, Davina1 said:

If she is so unhappy why is she going on holiday with him , 

there are many reasons someone will stay in a marriage even if unhappy and that I do know .  
 

is she making your life worse or better ? That’s the question I would be asking ? 

Simply for the kids

[Bubble_20]

22 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

 

She Really is unhappy at home and do eeive her when she says she doesn't  see a way out. Hope you don't all get bored with my adamacy not to end it all 

 

Not bored, as many of us have been in a similar situation and came here for advice and support moving forward. 

Unfortunately people many may simply stop responding as there comes a point when there is nothing left to say.

If you wish to continue a relationship with this woman then of course that is your choice. Not sure what you’re looking for from this forum though? 
I worry that you could waste another year of your life waiting for something to happen when you have absolutely no control over the outcomes.

People stay together for their kids all the time. Often it’s boring or mundane day to day life in marriages that sparks desire to find excitement elsewhere instead of focusing on the primary relationship or getting[ ] out of it without destroying other peoples lives (affair discovery). 
 

I left a relationship when we had two young kids involved. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life at the time but I (as your MW claims) was so desperately unhappy.
I had no money and in university at the time. I could have told myself a million times to wait for this that or the other until making my move. I didn’t though because I believed that I was doing the right thing for myself and children to get out of a miserable relationship that had showed no signs of improving. There was no one else involved so I had no soft landing so to speak.
It took planning and hard, emotional work but Six years on and we co parent very well. The extended family unit remain close and involved. It can be done, so I’m afraid I don’t buy your MW excuses and delayed time lines.

If she’s brave and confident enough to be sleeping around with you behind her partners back then she can surely muster the strength to put some really hard work in and focus on leaving to be with you. 
It’s a difficult question to ask yourself but are you worth the fall out? 

 

Edited August 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[ExpatInItaly]

Darcus, you also need to wake up and realize she's staying for herself, too. (and for the extension on her house, let's not forget) 

It's easier this way for her. She doens't shake up her "secure" home life, she keeps her family intact, she doesn't have to find a new home for her and her kids, doesn't need to split up assets, doesn't need to get the court involved in custody, and she gets your attention and affection when she pleases. This all serves her quite well. 

She's an incredibly selfish woman who I think would be singing a mighty different tune if her partner found out and kicked her to the curb. I bet any money she'd go crying to him to make it work, and not take the opportunity to be with you. I'd bet my bottom dollar she'd leave you high and dry in favour of keeping her partner. 

[Will am I]

49 minutes ago, Bubble_20 said:

Unfortunately people many may simply stop responding as there comes a point when there is nothing left to say.

Ok, I will say it again. 

Your affair is hurting yourself, your AP and her family. Now this is an observation and not a judgement. I will not judge you for having the affair. People fall in love, it happens, it's not up to me to judge. But the observarion stands.

And everything rides on whether or not you are willing to accept the status quo. I think your road to happiness starts at the point where you decide that you will not be fed crumbs of her love inbetween her busy schedule. That you deserve to be loved by someone devoted to you.

Yes, I know your AP is the most amazing woman. But regardless of how amazing she is, the situation is a bad deal for you. And the opportunity of a better deal only starts at the moment you are ready to walk away from the bad deal.

 

[BaileyB]

It doesn’t matter whether you tell her you are bothered or not - she has no respect for you and she does not care about your feelings. You are at the bottom of her long list of priorities- behind her kids, their vacation, house renos, her partner, and let’s not forget the woman herself. And then, there is Darcus - she will get to you when she gets to you… when it’s convenient for her. If you want to tell her that you don’t like this, that’s fine. I think you’ve probably told her before and it hasn’t changed anything. 

[Bubble_20]

I also did not ‘endure’ sex with my ex as your MW said she does. I slept on the sofa for two years before I moved out. My ex was under no illusion that the relationship was over. Our daughter was a year old at the time when things started to go very wrong. Which is why the break up was prolonged and I didn’t leave straight away. It was a difficult time and I left that home with no furniture or anything to start again in my new rented house. 
I wonder what actions your AF is putting in place to hasten the end of her marriage/relationship. 

Edited August 26, 2022 by Bubble_20

[Will am I]

I don't see any signs of her leaving her marriage either.

[PotatoHead]

Whether or not what you have with her you would call a relationship, she is manipulating, gaslighting and using you.  You are allowing these things to happen.  It will not stop until you stop allowing it.  Only once YOU end things will you have your answer.  Either she will realize that she doesn't want to lose you, that you are worth it and she will leave her husband to be able to pursue a real relationship with you at some point.  Or she won't.  Then you will know how she really feels.  But as long as you continue with the path you are on, you will never know because you are not forcing her to choose.  You are letting her have both while it leaves you in shambles.  This is not fair to you and I reckon if she really knew what you were going through and really cared, she would not want to put you through this either.

If you really care about someone enough, you will leave your marriage for them, and it could possibly work out.  But only if the marriage was bad enough that you were on your way out in the first place.  It may cause short term chaos but eventually things settle down.  The kids get over it, everyone heals and moves on with the new arrangements and new life.  Both myself and my AP left our marriages despite having kids and everything worked out fine.  Of course after 2 years or so of dust settling.  It was a major leap of faith for both of us.  Imagine if one person got cold feet and decided they couldn't leave.  Well in your case you have nothing to lose, but she does.  And it doesn't seem she is willing to lose it.  But only one way to find out.

[Darcus30]

4 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

Whether or not what you have with her you would call a relationship, she is manipulating, gaslighting and using you.  You are allowing these things to happen.  It will not stop until you stop allowing it.  Only once YOU end things will you have your answer.  Either she will realize that she doesn't want to lose you, that you are worth it and she will leave her husband to be able to pursue a real relationship with you at some point.  Or she won't.  Then you will know how she really feels.  But as long as you continue with the path you are on, you will never know because you are not forcing her to choose.  You are letting her have both while it leaves you in shambles.  This is not fair to you and I reckon if she really knew what you were going through and really cared, she would not want to put you through this either.

If you really care about someone enough, you will leave your marriage for them, and it could possibly work out.  But only if the marriage was bad enough that you were on your way out in the first place.  It may cause short term chaos but eventually things settle down.  The kids get over it, everyone heals and moves on with the new arrangements and new life.  Both myself and my AP left our marriages despite having kids and everything worked out fine.  Of course after 2 years or so of dust settling.  It was a major leap of faith for both of us.  Imagine if one person got cold feet and decided they couldn't leave.  Well in your case you have nothing to lose, but she does.  And it doesn't seem she is willing to lose it.  But only one way to find out.

Thank you for that response, makes alot of sense.

So you and your SO were in the same boat for I'm guessing a while  before you decided to jump ship? Wondering whether its the right thing to do or not? I imagine, there was lots of thinking and painful times living with your then wife but yearning for another.

Not too dissimilar to mine other than I'm single, I've told her if she leaves it has to be for her and not for me cause I'd hate for her to resent me yrs down the line 

[Allupinnit]

Man, you can't even make it through a weekend without wearing a path in the floor from pacing around your house, how are you going to handle a whole week of their being on vacation as a family?  Are these the actions of a woman who is dying to break everything up to be with you?

She had the chance to come clean a month ago when he confronted her about this affair, and she still denied it!  Now, a social media perfect vacation while you sit at home.  Maybe he's hoping this will help patch things up and draw everyone closer.  

This mental and emotional torture would drive me mad.  The boyfriend.  The kids.  The house.  There will always be something that comes before you.  Think more of yourself.  She's got everything she wants, including two men vying for her attention.

[PotatoHead]

30 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you for that response, makes alot of sense.

So you and your SO were in the same boat for I'm guessing a while  before you decided to jump ship? Wondering whether its the right thing to do or not? I imagine, there was lots of thinking and painful times living with your then wife but yearning for another.

Not too dissimilar to mine other than I'm single, I've told her if she leaves it has to be for her and not for me cause I'd hate for her to resent me yrs down the line 

Yes, absolutely the hardest thing we ever went through, still living with our exes while we were together.  But, we were in the exact same situation as each other, were both unhappy and considering leaving our marriages for a long time before we even met, just didn't see any good way forward, couldn't see being happier being single, alone and divorced.  Once we had a plan and were ready, we both told our spouses on the same day that we needed to separate and plan for a divorce.  We slept in separate rooms from them after that point.  It still wasn't easy but it helped that we were going through the exact same things up until we were finally able to move out, finalize the divorces and have a normal relationship.

In your situation, you are the only one who is feeling that pain, and there's no way she could possibly understand it.  Which could be part of the reason she isn't moving things along as quickly as you would like.  She is perfectly happy with the status quo, not having to worry about you being with someone else.  You need to put the pressure on and make her choose.  At the very least she should be able to tell her husband she wants to separate and stop sleeping with him if she cared about you at all.

Edited August 26, 2022 by PotatoHead

[Bubble_20]

47 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

 

Edited August 26, 2022 by Bubble_20

[Darcus30]

1 hour ago, PotatoHead said:

Yes, absolutely the hardest thing we ever went through, still living with our exes while we were together.  But, we were in the exact same situation as each other, were both unhappy and considering leaving our marriages for a long time before we even met, just didn't see any good way forward, couldn't see being happier being single, alone and divorced.  Once we had a plan and were ready, we both told our spouses on the same day that we needed to separate and plan for a divorce.  We slept in separate rooms from them after that point.  It still wasn't easy but it helped that we were going through the exact same things up until we were finally able to move out, finalize the divorces and have a normal relationship.

In your situation, you are the only one who is feeling that pain, and there's no way she could possibly understand it.  Which could be part of the reason she isn't moving things along as quickly as you would like.  She is perfectly happy with the status quo, not having to worry about you being with someone else.  You need to put the pressure on and make her choose.  At the very least she should be able to tell her husband she wants to separate and stop sleeping with him if she cared about you at all.

Yes thats sounds very reasonable, I am going to also ask her why she's sleeping with him when can just say no 

[Darcus30]

I promise to stop whiterimg on soon.

I have a question for anyone that's been the married/partnered up lady in the triangle.   When your not with OP and with your family do you still think of  OP?  Feel avoid when not together

Thank you 

[PotatoHead]

You should never have to wonder whether your SO is thinking about you, or how they feel about you.  I don't care what the situation is.

[Davina1]

1 hour ago, Darcus30 said:

I promise to stop whiterimg on soon.

I have a question for anyone that's been the married/partnered up lady in the triangle.   When your not with OP and with your family do you still think of  OP?  Feel avoid when not together

Thank you 

I might be naive but I think there is probably one person who thinks of the other person more .  I definitely was infatuated more .  I waited for emails that never came .  I honestly think he compartmentalised and only thought of me when nothing else to think about .  I did think of him way too much . One thing  I will say actions speak louder than words .  A one line messsge saying “ thinkimg of you “ to  a really long message I might have sent spoke volumes . No real effort just scraps of words 

[Darcus30]

12 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

I might be naive but I think there is probably one person who thinks of the other person more .  I definitely was infatuated more .  I waited for emails that never came .  I honestly think he compartmentalised and only thought of me when nothing else to think about .  I did think of him way too much . One thing  I will say actions speak louder than words .  A one line messsge saying “ thinkimg of you “ to  a really long message I might have sent spoke volumes . No real effort just scraps of words 

Yes I feel you there!! Bit I think we're blinded by it all and dont see that. Maybe when this is over, one way or the other I will too 

[S2B]

On 6/18/2022 at 11:35 AM, Darcus30 said:

I know ita not right but neither of us want to end it -  if she doesn't love her husband is it fair to spend the rest of her life with him rather than upset others.

Surely 2 children are better living with parents separated and happy  other than 2 parents together arguing all the time

Then simply tell her to contact you when the other relationship is finished and OVER. 
why should you be second choice IF she really loves you? 
I think she loves having BOTH. She may never give up her primary relationship.

for what it’s worth = it doesn’t “just happen”. It takes TWO people making loads and loads of effort to keep things moving forward and being deceptive.

why not just call her primary lover and let him know he’s sharing her with you? I’m sure he knows something isn’t right.

either cause the other relationship to end or end the one you feel guilty about. Knock her off that fence. 

Edited August 27, 2022 by S2B

[S2B]

She may think of you at times when she’s with him.

she may think of him when she is with you.

but mostly - she thinks of herself and getting double helpings.

I doubt she is a gal who will ever be capable of having only one man.