Having an affair

[Myabee]

17 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Evil pure evil, why would he go from daily contact to wanting to end it 🤷‍♂️

Either he seriously was found out and ran scared  and tried to fix the marriage, Or a new OW came along. Will I ever know the real truth? No. What I do know is it's a waste of my time to ruminate over that! What is pure evil.... affairs. Affairs are evil and deceptive. You are making a huge mistake continuing on with this MW.  

[Allupinnit]

37 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

I love how Darcus keeps asking everyone how their A ended and how long it was, yet seems to take no notice of the advice everyone is providing. Darcus I wish you well, but I know you will be back posting how she broke your heart and how upset you are. Everyone’s story is different and I hope yours works out for you.

I used to do the same thing when I got dumped and scoured the internet for hope that my ex would come back.  Wanted to know everyone's story about how they made it happen.  I believe it's called "hopium" lol

Deep down OP knows she's never going to leave.  At least, logically he does.  But he is still addicted to the crumbs he gets when she's not busy with her boyfriend/family/kids/home renovations.

[Will am I]

The topic remains active. But I feel the conversation has been going around in circles for a while.

Make up your mind @Darcus30. Not because I would want to pass judgement on which direction you should take. Not because I want to be a moralist. Just for the sake of your heart. Because this situation is slowly killing you and you know it.

Either choose to be with your AP and ask her to leave her marriage and be with you. Or choose to free yourself of this situation, heal your wounds and find love from a partner who is available to you. You have been in a long committed relationship, you know that you can do it and don't have to live on crumbs of love from MW.

[Darcus30]

5 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I used to do the same thing when I got dumped and scoured the internet for hope that my ex would come back.  Wanted to know everyone's story about how they made it happen.  I believe it's called "hopium" lol

Deep down OP knows she's never going to leave.  At least, logically he does.  But he is still addicted to the crumbs he gets when she's not busy with her boyfriend/family/kids/home renovations.

I am here you know, but yes you are right, so right 

[Darcus30]

2 minutes ago, Will am I said:

The topic remains active. But I feel the conversation has been going around in circles for a while.

Make up your mind @Darcus30. Not because I would want to pass judgement on which direction you should take. Not because I want to be a moralist. Just for the sake of your heart. Because this situation is slowly killing you and you know it.

Either choose to be with your AP and ask her to leave her marriage and be with you. Or choose to free yourself of this situation, heal your wounds and find love from a partner who is available to you. You have been in a long committed relationship, you know that you can do it and don't have to live on crumbs of love from MW.

Thank you Will . Yes I will ask her once she's back k from holiday, I can stop posting if this is starting to amnoy people. 

I'm fully aware I go on and on , yes im on a tread mill I'm affraid

[Will am I]

Don’t worry about us being annoyed. If we get annoyed we simply jump to another topic or leave the forum for a while.

Worry about the incremental damage to your own emotions and spirit. 

Move forward. It’s the only way. Either with or without your affair partner.

 

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Worry about the incremental damage to your own emotions and spirit. 

 

This exactly! Because this is it in a nutshell. This damage is real and very hurtful. Even worse when we allow it. In my case I will be very up front in saying I was not a victim. I put myself  in a very bad situation only to set myself up for emotional damage. The sooner you set a frim boundary and un attach the better off you will be.  

[Bubble_20]

47 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because when push comes to shove after being caught, many cheaters will choose their spouses and not their APs. 

APs get discarded. 

Sad but true. Although in my case there was no D Day. A simple change in work shift patterns would mean a lot more bare face lying to the spouse to explain his whereabouts. He weighed up his options and ended things.
Not too long before this change of heart I was told he was thinking of packing a bag to leave! 
Unbelievably I still get random “I miss you”. 
Many have tried to warn you but you’re still clinging onto hope. This is usually a fruitless and time wasting endeavour. 
You need to ask yourself why you are seeking validation and approval from an Internet forum rather than the woman herself? Is it because you know deep down that what she’s telling you isn’t pointing to a happy ever after? 
I’ve known people (not many!) who have left their primary relationships and marriages for someone else. So it does happen. But as someone on here has already mentioned, BOTH parties in the affair made a plan and set about making it happen. I don’t believe it was a one sided mission. 

[Darcus30]

28 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Don’t worry about us being annoyed. If we get annoyed we simply jump to another topic or leave the forum for a while.

Worry about the incremental damage to your own emotions and spirit. 

Move forward. It’s the only way. Either with or without your affair partner.

 

I really will try my upmost,  I know I can't live like this forever, yes the highs are amazing but the lows Oh my days 

[Will am I]

5 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

I really will try my upmost,  I know I can't live like this forever, yes the highs are amazing but the lows Oh my days 

Affairs are really intense emotionally. I understand how hard it can be to walk out.

But you can do it ane it will be better in time.

[Darcus30]

Does the coupled up partner miss the single guy just as much 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Does the coupled up partner miss the single guy just as much 

The answer is usually no because they are busy living their lives with their spouse and children. 

Feelings are meaningless when you are sitting at home alone and she is enjoying a vacation with her family and having sex with her husband/partner? 

[Will am I]

Yes and no.

Both experience the hurt.

But the void is not so bad for the married man or woman.

Came out of a short emotional affair earlier this year, have a wife and family so I should have been fine. But there were times that I missed xOW so much. 

 

Edited August 30, 2022 by Will am I

[Bubble_20]

32 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Does the coupled up partner miss the single guy just as much 

Maybe to some extent?  But I believe it’s more of the fantasy and escape they are missing. Not necessarily YOU as the wonderful person you might be. It’s the excitement, sex, chatting about what interests THEM and not the normal relationship chat they get at home. Without the daily grind of life with kids and finances. Finding an affair partner in it for the long haul is actually not that easy. Many would piss off and not tolerate all the nonsense involved. 

People lose themselves in marriage or long term relationships and when someone enters their life who adores them and presents an opportunity to ‘let go’ then yes of course it’s addictive. 

But when push comes to shove, putting the hard work in to leave the primary relationship and gamble on the what-if is just too much for many. The fall out, especially with kids involved bursts that bubble. Which is why many affair partners start receiving the hot/cold behaviour and back peddling with excuses and delayed timelines for action.

don’t get me wrong, I was a total sucker for the “I love you’s” and “I am unhappy in my marriage” etc… but when building works (yes, I accepted those too!) and shift patterns start getting in the way of the star crossed lover’s narrative, you have to feel embarrassed about being taken for an fool and move on. 
 

Edited August 30, 2022 by Bubble_20

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Came out of a short emotional affair earlier this year, have a wife and family so I should have been fine. But there were times that I missed xOW so much. 

And yet, she still got discarded (in the words of Expat above). When push came to shove, you chose your wife and your family and the OW was discarded. 

[Darcus30]

Thank you, yes you never know I may get to thst point eventually, and get tired but for now I'm on the hook I'm affraid

Yes she has been hot and cold  of late, and u questioned it, she said she's struggling for head space.

Should I take a step back and give her space 

 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Bubble_20 said:

But I believe it’s more of the fantasy and escape they are missing. The excitement, sex, chatting about what interests THEM and not the normal relationship chat they get at home.

Yes!!

I am not naive enough to think that there are no feelings there, but when he primarily thinks about his affair partner when he is on the toilet, bored at work, or angry with his wife… when he has all the control in the relationship and the relationship revolves primarily around his needs, his interests, his plans for the future, etc… that’s not love and that’s not a healthy relationship. It’s a distraction. It’s a fantasy. It’s an ego boost. It’s a sexual release. 

[BaileyB]

Just now, Darcus30 said:

I may get to thst point eventually, and get tired but for now I'm on the hook I'm affraid

Nobody can help you Darcus if you don’t help yourself. We are going in circles here.

[Will am I]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And yet, she still got discarded (in the words of Expat above). When push came to shove, you chose your wife and your family and the OW was discarded. 

Yes, that’s a fair observation.

But it wasn’t the classical example where one AP got caught by his/her spouse and suddenly pulled out of the affair. I got conflicted  about being in the affair and decided to end it for that reason. 
 

But the end result was the same. I did feel guilty for a while. Even though xOW seemed ro take it so lightly, like she knew the nature of the relationship and didn’t look for more.

[Myabee]

9 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you, yes you never know I may get to thst point eventually, and get tired but for now I'm on the hook I'm affraid

Yes she has been hot and cold  of late, and u questioned it, she said she's struggling for head space.

Should I take a step back and give her space 

 

How long do intend to be bait in a hook? That is what you are here I'm sorry to say. What outcome are you really looking for? 

[Darcus30]

17 minutes ago, Myabee said:

How long do intend to be bait in a hook? That is what you are here I'm sorry to say. What outcome are you really looking for? 

I'm looking to be with her, I have given her a get out option and she said she doesn't want it to end,  

[Myabee]

21 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

I'm looking to be with her, I have given her a get out option and she said she doesn't want it to end,  

Ok. Well then does she not realize she can't be married and have you at the same time? Let her get a divorce,  And if you are still free when that day comes then that's cool. 

[BaileyB]

54 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

I'm looking to be with her, I have given her a get out option and she said she doesn't want it to end,  

Of course, she doesn’t want the party to end. Neither do you. 

That doesn’t change the fact that you don’t have the option to be with her Darcus - she is committed to another man. 

Willfully ignorant, that is the word that describes most of your responses at this point… “I hear what you are saying, but I still want to be with her. I’m prepared to wait indefinitely and nobody will convince me otherwise…”

 

Edited August 30, 2022 by BaileyB

[Darcus30]

Hi all

So ive been javing an affair with a lady whos in a long term (20 yr) relationship but not married, im single.

Weve been seeing each other foe 1.5 years now, im not proud of it but we just fell in love.

We meet up when we can all be it breifly, sometimes booking days off work so we can have more time.

My question is, she sometime turms cold, slow responding to messages and not being as attentive and loving in her messages, not calling so often.

Im not paranoid you just know right, i can tell.

Why would this be... i find it really hard to deal with.

[basil67]

Yes, I'm sure you're not imagining it.  The logical conclusion one would draw is that she's losing interest in you.  Is there any reason you haven't come to the same conclusion?