Having an affair

[BaileyB]

^^ She doesn’t have to tell the truth about the affair. Personally, I wonder if it does more harm than good when the intent is to file for divorce and end the marriage.

Key point, the MM/MW files for divorce and ends the marriage. 

More often than not, people don’t ‘fess up and they also don’t file for divorce. They want to keep the comforts of their marriage and family life while still enjoying their fun. The spouse doesn’t get the truth of their marriage (there is another person in the marriage). The affair partner doesn’t get the truth — strung along indefinitely more often than not, with a series of half-truths and false promises…

Edited June 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, BrinnM said:

You have the same involvement with friend circles and family, and everybody will have an opinion, they will be disappointed and surprised. It’s a lot to deal with. 
And honestly, I don’t think it’s very common that somebody who’s married falls in love with somebody else and then outright tells the spouse hey I’m in love with somebody else - They just try to cover it up and just get a divorce for other reasons. Same applies to long-term relationships.

Yes there are those who do tell the truth as to why they want the divorce; but the majority probably do take the liars way out.  People should know that they are prolonging the pain when they lie to their spouse/partner that they are leaving for reasons the spouse/partner don't understand nor why it can't be worked out.   Only to find out later that the real reason is because they were actually making plans to be with someone else.  This makes the spouse/partner lose all respect, feel gas lighted, bambozzeled and tricked.  Some even get violent from this type of deceit.  They are going to find out anyway so why not be honest from the beginning.  If you plan to co-parent with an ex I don't see how you could hide the truth from them.  Plus what is the new lover supposed to do?  Hide in the shadows forever?  As far as it being a lot to deal with - sorry but when you make your bed you have to lie in it.

[S2B]

On 6/18/2022 at 11:35 AM, Darcus30 said:

I know ita not right but neither of us want to end it -  if she doesn't love her husband is it fair to spend the rest of her life with him rather than upset others.

Surely 2 children are better living with parents separated and happy  other than 2 parents together arguing all the time

IF she was that miserable - she would end it.

she likes having both.

[BrinnM]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

she likes having both.

We don’t know that. For this reason my recommendation is to just watch the situation and make sure she moves out and then go from there 👍🏻

[Darcus30]

8 hours ago, S2B said:

IF she was that miserable - she would end it.

she likes having both.

Thank you all for your replies, surely there must be someone out there that's been in my situation? 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you all for your replies, surely there must be someone out there that's been in my situation? 

Read this board, every post is someone who has been in your situation.

Ans many who are replying here have been on one side or the other.

[BaileyB]

 

[BaileyB]

 

[BaileyB]

 

[BaileyB]

You continue to search for more stories because nobody has replied to say - this will all work out if you just give her some time. It usually doesn’t work out. Read for yourself. 

[BaileyB]

I could go on but you can also search yourself…

Edited June 20, 2022 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

The prevailing wisdom I've heard around here is that women are more likely to leave their spouse/partner for an AP than men. I'm sure anyone could dig up posts by women in affairs who DO plan to leave as well.  However, it's true that given that men don't leave very often, the question of what that actual probability that "more often" actually means is is an open one.

I would also point out that in many cases if someone with an undiscovered affair actually leaves a marriage for an AP, the real reason is that they were genuinely quite unhappy in the marriage. Cake eating is truly a thing, but true cake eaters aren't looking for a new spouse, they're looking to play the field while married. That is NOT the same as monkeybranching to a new full relationship.

I do agree that what you need to do is assess what you think this person will do and whether you think she will actually leave AND whether you think you actually want to be with her. You could wait a long time only to end up watching her carry on her life without you. At which point you'd need to start over anyhow.

Edited June 20, 2022 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you all for your replies, surely there must be someone out there that's been in my situation? 

There are plenty.  Read the Infidelity, OW/OM, Separation and Divorce and Marriage& Partnership forums on LS.  You will find stories you just have to read around.

[Allupinnit]

She most likely won't leave her bf because setting up your own home with room enough for two kids is expensive, stressful, and likely she is living a lifestyle she can't afford on her own.  Her relationship likely got boring, as they almost always do, then you come in, the fun guy from the gym, and shake things up for her.

I'm with the other poster - being a stepparent is REALLY hard, you haven't even begun to dig into that whole dynamic yet and if her BF finds out the truth about you, you could be dealing with a volatile co-parenting situation and that is NO PICNIC.  You may think your infatuation with each other will be enough to withstand all of that but real life takes no prisoners, the kids may hate you for breaking up their family.

If you simply "cannot stop" then be prepared for this emotional torture of her splitting her time between you and her boyfriend to be part of the deal.  Or the boyfriend finds out and she throws you under the bus.  

[heartwhole2]

On 6/19/2022 at 2:08 PM, Darcus30 said:

Thank you, the plan is, to leave her partner, without the Affair being discovered then getting her own place and we start dating casually, slowly introduced to the children if that makes sense

Is that a PLAN plan, or a "wouldn't it be nice" plan? Because in your first post you said, "Shes wants to leave him but doesn't know how amd does not want to ruin the kids lives but says she is unhappy," which sounds to me like she says she wants to leave, but in a hypothetical kind of way, not a "building a plan of action" kind of way.

I also get the sense that you are distilling the issue down to a moral one, but it's probably more of a practical one. I don't think she's not leaving because she thinks it's wrong, and if you can just find the right line of reasoning or affair-turned-marriage success story, you can talk her into it. I imagine that she is doing all sorts of calculations here, about the odds that she will remain blissfully happy with you, the odds that her kids will resent her, etc. Because it's really leaping into the unknown here. You don't have a family at home to disrupt, so it's easy for you to think the decision should be based on feelings and personal happiness alone. She likely wants to make sure those feelings WILL guarantee her personal happiness, because she's potentially creating a lot of chaos and pain for herself and others. Every day that she doesn't leave is a day that she's not convinced that the gains outweigh the costs.

In my opinion, one of the trickiest thing about affairs is figuring out how amped up your feelings are by the simple fact that you want what you can't have. Is this person your "soul mate" . . . if you were single, would the two of you find each other and live happily ever after? Or are all your feelings on steroids? Are you drawn to this person because they're, well, available, at least for an affair? Are you subconsciously driven to secure the OPTION of forever with your MP just because it's in doubt? How can you be sure you want forever with someone you only know in a highly contrived and constricted setting? That's a lot of pressure for a part-time, secret relationship.

There's always the exception that proves the rule; of course there are affairs that work out in the long-term. But generally it's a bad sign if the MP is not ready or willing to leave. That suggests a cost/benefit analysis that isn't tipping in your favor.

[stillafool]

OP, you need to think long and hard if you really want to have a cheater on a full time basis.  If she cheats on him when the going gets tough (and it will), she'll cheat on you too.

[planetgrapes]

I have to be honest and say that I have experienced that affairs by partners can destroy and even end lives.

If you want to continue then you have to accept the consequences of the massive pain you might cause. 

[PotatoHead]

On 6/19/2022 at 1:08 PM, Darcus30 said:

Thank you, the plan is, to leave her partner, without the Affair being discovered then getting her own place and we start dating casually, slowly introduced to the children if that makes sense

 

Be careful with that, is it realistic?  I had the same idea once, being in the shoes of this woman your dating, and it did not go as planned.  In fact nothing did.  The truth always comes out.

And I will go further to say, it's all exciting while it's an affair and it was enough to make me leave and even get divorced, but my marriage was absolutely horrible and I had plenty of good reason.  You don't know that this woman has good enough reason to go through with divorce and put her kids through that, just to be with you.  Because like I said, once the affair is over and you two are just together and doing life.   Not having to sneak in time to see each other and cover your tracks.  The excitement wears off.  It probably won't last.  I don't care how in love you say you are, how much you say you are "soul mates" because I was in the exact same place.  You also need to realize that if she is capable of cheating on her husband with you, then she is perfectly capable of cheating on you as well.   If they do split up, she has newfound freedom, the thrill and excitement of your affair is gone and she'll start to enjoy attention from someone else.

Protect yourself and be realistic.  If I had known everything I know now after going through what I did, I would have done it so differently.

[Darcus30]

3 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

 

Be careful with that, is it realistic?  I had the same idea once, being in the shoes of this woman your dating, and it did not go as planned.  In fact nothing did.  The truth always comes out.

And I will go further to say, it's all exciting while it's an affair and it was enough to make me leave and even get divorced, but my marriage was absolutely horrible and I had plenty of good reason.  You don't know that this woman has good enough reason to go through with divorce and put her kids through that, just to be with you.  Because like I said, once the affair is over and you two are just together and doing life.   Not having to sneak in time to see each other and cover your tracks.  The excitement wears off.  It probably won't last.  I don't care how in love you say you are, how much you say you are "soul mates" because I was in the exact same place.  You also need to realize that if she is capable of cheating on her husband with you, then she is perfectly capable of cheating on you as well.   If they do split up, she has newfound freedom, the thrill and excitement of your affair is gone and she'll start to enjoy attention from someone else.

Protect yourself and be realistic.  If I had known everything I know now after going through what I did, I would have done it so differently.

Thank you so much for your response,  can I ask what happened with you once you separated and moved in me SO? Sorry curious

[Syd8]

On 6/17/2022 at 12:35 PM, Darcus30 said:

Hi all, this is my 1st post,  typed several times and deleted as I'm new to this, pls no haters.

I'm a 48 Yr old  single male and have  been having an affair with a woman (not married) but with same partner for 20 years, she has 2 children aged 8 and 12. We were friends 15 yrs ago after meeting at the gym, we were gum buddies, chatting away whilst working out together, we both flirted but never went any further than that. Then she got pregnant so left the gym, we always stayed in and out of contact via work email only. Skip forward 15 yrs and she cane back to the gym, we hit it off as before although this time she spoke about how she didn't love her partner - only as the father of her kids. 

Things progressed and we hit the sauna, jacuzzi. Chatting away, this went on for months, nothing happened then we kissed,  we started meeting up at lunchtimes at my house and had amazing sex (both thought the same) 

Here we are now 1 year on still meeting up and deeply in love. 

Shes wants to leave him but doesn't know how amd does not want to ruin the kids lives but says she is unhappy.

Says we are soul mates - I love her so much too but tike part is like a knife through the heart, thinking of her in bed with him, she holds off sex for weeks with him giving excuses but eventually has to cave,  she's open and tells me as I wanted to know rather than wonder. She hates it and says she feels unfaithful to me . 

She messages me and calls at ebmvery opertunity but I want to show our love to evertmyone, do normal things as does she.

I guess I'm asking for any advice, she says I'm the love of her life. Lost without her with Me but what do we do next?

I've never been in an affair before and it wasn't planned at all, started as a bit of fun.  I know what we're doing is wrong but we can't stop, pls dont judge.

Thanks for listening  

I've heard the whole "soul mate" line as well. She's never going to leave him, trust me. 

[Myabee]

On 6/18/2022 at 6:03 AM, Darcus30 said:

I know ita not right but neither of us want to end it - we"re in too deep

You may very well feel.like this is a soulmate however. a soulmate is not found in a secret realtionship as that I so learned from.my affair. The longer this goes on the more confusion, hurt and pain will ensue down the line. If she wanted to be with you she would be with you with no excuses. Actions not words. My best to you. 

[Darcus30]

4 hours ago, Myabee said:

You may very well feel.like this is a soulmate however. a soulmate is not found in a secret realtionship as that I so learned from.my affair. The longer this goes on the more confusion, hurt and pain will ensue down the line. If she wanted to be with you she would be with you with no excuses. Actions not words. My best to you. 

Many thanks for you response, can I ask how your affair ended?

Many thanks 

[Myabee]

4 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Many thanks for you response, can I ask how your affair ended?

Many thanks 

It ended with  the wife discovering a text on MM's phone. It was sudden and unexpected. MM then threw me in the trash. Not pleasant at all.  . 

[PotatoHead]

15 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you so much for your response,  can I ask what happened with you once you separated and moved in me SO? Sorry curious

I made the mistake of moving across the country for my "soul mate".  We never made it to the point of moving in together, it was very difficult going through a divorce while trying to maintain that relationship, not get the kids involved etc.   I ended up finding out she had cheated on me while I was going through all of this.  Spent another year still trying to make it work but I couldn't get past it, because I never could believe she would do this to me.  In the process of trying to move on and heal from it all right now.

 

This thread sums up a lot of it, but basically kept finding out more and more that she had done.  Like someone else said, good relationships don't start as affairs, and those capable of cheating on their spouse will at the very least be lying to you, if not end up cheating on you too.   Not saying that's always the case but proceed with caution.

 

 

[Lisa]

This thread has had a clean up of generic discussion of affairs and the people who have them.  Please ensure your comments are specific to the OPs situation