Having an affair

[Confused8647]

OP, I have been in a position much like your's. You can read my thread! 

 

I am a month down the line than you are, but I am now realising my AP chose her partner (not married) and children, and as many comment on here states, I understand that she did not want to break up a home and destroy her children's lives for me. She could have, but didn't. I am now in a much better place than I was. I too like you thought she was the one, my soul mate, that I will never love anyone like her again, but now i feel different. I think about her all the time and might read a book and think, she would like this, but and here is the big but. I don't know what to even say to here anymore, the desire to speak to her and here her voice is going. I wish things were different. I can assure you, it does get easier.

If i was you I would just leaver her be. As has been stated she is still with her partner and not making any effort to leave and be with you, much like my AP and mine lasted a year and half but had kind of been off and on for about 5 years. I wish you well, but unfortunately, this will not end well and you have many bad days to come, when it is all consuming, but you will get there.

[Darcus30]

Thank you so much, I'll read through this after work, much appreciated 

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

I know it sounds sad buy can't see/,imagine  me wanting  to be with anyone else 

How many relationships have you been in?  I ask because I think at various times in our lives, we might feel this way about certain people. It's certainly nice when we "win" them, but that often doesn't pan out. I think that for most people, if/once the relationship becomes impossible to maintain and so ends and they spend a few months "processing" the end of it, then they find others and move on.

So that "one and only" person for us turned out to be just one of many acceptable partners after all. If this doesn't pan out, don't "give up" but instead keep looking, keep yourself maintained, etc. Life's a marathon, not a sprint, and despite dry spells, which do occur, non-romanticized reality is that there are plenty of fish in the sea for a quality person who's emotionally ready, attractive, and has good social skills.

Edited June 27, 2022 by mark clemson

[Darcus30]

22 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

OP, I have been in a position much like your's. You can read my thread! 

 

I am a month down the line than you are, but I am now realising my AP chose her partner (not married) and children, and as many comment on here states, I understand that she did not want to break up a home and destroy her children's lives for me. She could have, but didn't. I am now in a much better place than I was. I too like you thought she was the one, my soul mate, that I will never love anyone like her again, but now i feel different. I think about her all the time and might read a book and think, she would like this, but and here is the big but. I don't know what to even say to here anymore, the desire to speak to her and here her voice is going. I wish things were different. I can assure you, it does get easier.

If i was you I would just leaver her be. As has been stated she is still with her partner and not making any effort to leave and be with you, much like my AP and mine lasted a year and half but had kind of been off and on for about 5 years. I wish you well, but unfortunately, this will not end well and you have many bad days to come, when it is all consuming, but you will get there.

Oh my god this is so me, although we are still together (in the sense of the work) gets harder right, knowing there with there actual partner in the evenings 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

 we are still together (in the sense of the work) gets harder right, knowing there with there actual partner in the evenings 

Do you work together or have to run into each other in other settings? Unavailable people choose other unavailable people so perhaps a part-time lover is all you can handle right now?

Edited June 28, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Confused8647]

36 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Oh my god this is so me, although we are still together (in the sense of the work) gets harder right, knowing there with there actual partner in the evenings 

Darcus, i never got hung up on the fact she was going back to her partner. When I was with her, the highs were incredible, but then the cracks started to show. She would cancel plans, tell me she felt guilty and terrible for what she was doing to her family. I’m learning to realise that her family and my family are far more important than my own selfish needs. I promise you it does get easier. You need to let her go and if she is single and available then maybe then can you think about any kind of relationship, but as has been said before if she has done this to her current partner the chances are she will do it to you!! As has also been said before, if it’s meant to be, it will be, but for now, my advice is to take yourself out of the situation and take each day as it comes! Good luck

[Darcus30]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you work together or have to run into each other in other settings? Unavailable people choose other unavailable people so perhaps a part-time lover is all you can handle right now?

Yes work on the same building and go to the same gym 

[Darcus30]

4 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

Darcus, i never got hung up on the fact she was going back to her partner. When I was with her, the highs were incredible, but then the cracks started to show. She would cancel plans, tell me she felt guilty and terrible for what she was doing to her family. I’m learning to realise that her family and my family are far more important than my own selfish needs. I promise you it does get easier. You need to let her go and if she is single and available then maybe then can you think about any kind of relationship, but as has been said before if she has done this to her current partner the chances are she will do it to you!! As has also been said before, if it’s meant to be, it will be, but for now, my advice is to take yourself out of the situation and take each day as it comes! Good luck

Thank you for your kind words, problem is we have both said we don't want to end it,,  I dont want to be looking back at 60 thinking what if, does that make sense, she says doesn't love her husband and all that keeps her the are her 2 children.  So bloody complicated,  we never meant to fall in love was just meant to be a bit of fun, she calls me at every given opportunity,  says she loves me and I beleive  her 

[Confused8647]

2 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you for your kind words, problem is we have both said we don't want to end it,,  I dont want to be looking back at 60 thinking what if, does that make sense, she says doesn't love her husband and all that keeps her the are her 2 children.  So bloody complicated,  we never meant to fall in love was just meant to be a bit of fun, she calls me at every given opportunity,  says she loves me and I beleive  her 

Darcus, I don’t want to be Mr Doom and Gloom but what you have described is exactly how my A was. For the first year and half, she said she loves me, had amazing experiences, and she also felt her partner and her were roommates. Unfortunately the fact is my AP had children and her love for me was not enough, so she started to pull away. We now don’t speak. There are times when I wish we hadn’t started our A, but then there are times I reminisce about all the amazing times we shared and I don’t regret it. Life is too short and you need to do what makes you happy, but this will not end well. If she wants to leave she will, and if she hasn’t then, you’re going to end up getting very very hurt. That’s the reality, which I didn’t want to accept but now realise that is the inevitable outcome. I’ve read thread after thread on this and other sub forums and was looking for any hope that what we and my A partner had was different and enough, but you cannot make her choose you, and you cannot force her to do something. The love I have for my A partner was nothing like I have ever felt and I’m a 40 something male, but I realise now that whilst I will always love her, she doesn’t feel the same and I have to let her go, and just hope she is happy. That is my advice to you, let her go, tell her you’ve loved spending time with her, and if she is ever in a position to see what this is, she should look you up. Don’t wait though as you could be waiting a long time!!!

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

So bloody complicated

Not complicated. She is in a serious relationship and she has children with another man. If she hasn’t left, she is where she has chosen to be. 

3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

I dont want to be looking back at 60 thinking what if, does that make sense

What if you look back at 60 and say - “man, did I waste years of my life because I didn’t see and couldn’t accept what was blessedly obvious…”

You have nothing to lose by telling herself to contact you if/when she is single, and otherwise going on to live your life. You have nothing to lose because you don’t “have” her now. 

3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

we have both said we don't want to end it,, 

The truth is - she is happy to keep this going as long as you are willing. 

Edited June 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[Darcus30]

3 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

Darcus, I don’t want to be Mr Doom and Gloom but what you have described is exactly how my A was. For the first year and half, she said she loves me, had amazing experiences, and she also felt her partner and her were roommates. Unfortunately the fact is my AP had children and her love for me was not enough, so she started to pull away. We now don’t speak. There are times when I wish we hadn’t started our A, but then there are times I reminisce about all the amazing times we shared and I don’t regret it. Life is too short and you need to do what makes you happy, but this will not end well. If she wants to leave she will, and if she hasn’t then, you’re going to end up getting very very hurt. That’s the reality, which I didn’t want to accept but now realise that is the inevitable outcome. I’ve read thread after thread on this and other sub forums and was looking for any hope that what we and my A partner had was different and enough, but you cannot make her choose you, and you cannot force her to do something. The love I have for my A partner was nothing like I have ever felt and I’m a 40 something male, but I realise now that whilst I will always love her, she doesn’t feel the same and I have to let her go, and just hope she is happy. That is my advice to you, let her go, tell her you’ve loved spending time with her, and if she is ever in a position to see what this is, she should look you up. Don’t wait though as you could be waiting a long time!!!

Thanks you confused, much appreciated, she tells me "tell me how I can do it and I will, I said just tell him its over, when she tells me she loves me I honestly beleive her, we've even set it up so been at the same place when she's with her kids.

If I end it without seeing where it can go I'll always be wondering, I mean surely some A's make it 

[Confused8647]

12 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Thanks you confused, much appreciated, she tells me "tell me how I can do it and I will, I said just tell him its over, when she tells me she loves me I honestly beleive her, we've even set it up so been at the same place when she's with her kids.

If I end it without seeing where it can go I'll always be wondering, I mean surely some A's make it 

Darcus, I still have messages where my AP told me she loves me, told me to wait for her, that I’m worth it etc etc, but then the guilt came, she felt terrible and guilty whilst being at home. It took me a long time to realise that although she loved me and I love her, it is not enough if there are children and she has a partner already. She will hurt you, not intentionally but she will. She will break your heart into a million pieces. Trust me, I am you, but I’m a little bit down the road. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve said to myself never again, I won’t let her treat me so bad and I just accept it. You will realise that no amount of love in the world is worth the pain if she is still with her husband and kids. She does love you, but not enough to change her kids lives forever. You need to stop, let her have space and if when she leaves him and you’re in a position to be with her and you both feel the same then I wish you all the luck. A word of caution which now to me rings true, if she can cheat on her husband with you, she will possibly cheat on you too, when the going gets tough!! I don’t mean to sound cruel but I was blinded by my love for my AP and I don’t want you to feel half as hurt as I was!

[Darcus30]

39 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

Darcus, I still have messages where my AP told me she loves me, told me to wait for her, that I’m worth it etc etc, but then the guilt came, she felt terrible and guilty whilst being at home. It took me a long time to realise that although she loved me and I love her, it is not enough if there are children and she has a partner already. She will hurt you, not intentionally but she will. She will break your heart into a million pieces. Trust me, I am you, but I’m a little bit down the road. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve said to myself never again, I won’t let her treat me so bad and I just accept it. You will realise that no amount of love in the world is worth the pain if she is still with her husband and kids. She does love you, but not enough to change her kids lives forever. You need to stop, let her have space and if when she leaves him and you’re in a position to be with her and you both feel the same then I wish you all the luck. A word of caution which now to me rings true, if she can cheat on her husband with you, she will possibly cheat on you too, when the going gets tough!! I don’t mean to sound cruel but I was blinded by my love for my AP and I don’t want you to feel half as hurt as I was!

Thank you again fir having my back but ask yourself if your lady didn't end it would you still be seeing her, what I'm saying is if she ends it I have no choice to make if I do, I'll never know how it would of panned out.

I Hooe that makes sense.

She does from time to time blow hotband cold ... is this the start of the end 

[heartwhole2]

What you're really saying is that you'll always regret it if you don't hold onto whatever crumbs she throws your way . . .  because what if just holding out a bit longer would have convinced her that you're worth leaving for?

I don't really see why you find her "just tell me how to end it and I will" comment so encouraging because . . . you did give a suggestion . . . and she didn't do it . . . Also, isn't she an autonomous adult who can figure out how to end things with her partner better than you, a person without a partner and kids, can? I think that was a line, to buy time, to soothe you.

You may be struggling to accept that she doesn't mean to leave because she says that she wants to so convincingly, but obviously deep down she has reservations or she would have done so already. And then this puts you back in your limbo because you think that maybe if you wow and woo her enough, she'll get over that hump! You're doing what is normally reserved for betrayed spouses -- the "pick me" dance.

It's really degrading to keep yourself in a situation that doesn't suit you (as you repeatedly say that you can't do this any longer) just in case your love interest finally decides to choose and commit to you. She knows that you exist. She knows what you could have together. She doesn't need any further information to make her decision. Hanging on so she doesn't move on or forget about you . . . it's just not a healthy way to start any relationship. Be with someone who doesn't need to be convinced or handled with kid gloves to choose you. If she really loves you, she won't want you to settle for half of a relationship. She'll want you to have a whole relationship, with her or someone else.

You asked about giving her an ultimatum. I suppose that's the right word for it, but really it's just taking the half relationship off the table while telling her you would be happy to have a whole relationship with her. It's making a healthy choice for yourself and inviting her to join you, the right way.

[Darcus30]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

What you're really saying is that you'll always regret it if you don't hold onto whatever crumbs she throws your way . . .  because what if just holding out a bit longer would have convinced her that you're worth leaving for?

I don't really see why you find her "just tell me how to end it and I will" comment so encouraging because . . . you did give a suggestion . . . and she didn't do it . . . Also, isn't she an autonomous adult who can figure out how to end things with her partner better than you, a person without a partner and kids, can? I think that was a line, to buy time, to soothe you.

You may be struggling to accept that she doesn't mean to leave because she says that she wants to so convincingly, but obviously deep down she has reservations or she would have done so already. And then this puts you back in your limbo because you think that maybe if you wow and woo her enough, she'll get over that hump! You're doing what is normally reserved for betrayed spouses -- the "pick me" dance.

It's really degrading to keep yourself in a situation that doesn't suit you (as you repeatedly say that you can't do this any longer) just in case your love interest finally decides to choose and commit to you. She knows that you exist. She knows what you could have together. She doesn't need any further information to make her decision. Hanging on so she doesn't move on or forget about you . . . it's just not a healthy way to start any relationship. Be with someone who doesn't need to be convinced or handled with kid gloves to choose you. If she really loves you, she won't want you to settle for half of a relationship. She'll want you to have a whole relationship, with her or someone else.

You asked about giving her an ultimatum. I suppose that's the right word for it, but really it's just taking the half relationship off the table while telling her you would be happy to have a whole relationship with her. It's making a healthy choice for yourself and inviting her to join you, the right way.

Thinking about it she said only yesterday "do you feel your wasting your life"  she then said do you want a break, I said no and she said Igood I was just testing you

[heartwhole2]

"I was just testing you"???

Why can't she just communicate directly? Perhaps this is a bit of why she's in the mess she's in at home too . . .

[BaileyB]

Is there anything this woman could say or do that would make you walk away OP? 

Doe she literally have to say - “I want to end our affair.”

How much is that going to hurt? How long are you willing to wait? And, how much are you willing to suffer during this time? 

 

Edited June 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

59 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

she said only yesterday "do you feel your wasting your life"  she then said do you want a break, I said no and she said Igood I was just testing you

This says a lot OP. She doesn’t respect you. That she would say, as if it was cute, that she was “testing” you and you passed the test - this is your life that she is joking about!! This is your time that she is wasting. This is your emotional and mental health that she is damaging. 

She’s not concerned about wasting your time, she certainly isn’t in a rush to leave her partner and settle her affairs. 

You are a grown man, where is your pride and your dignity?

 

 

Edited June 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Darcus30 said:

she said only yesterday "do you feel your wasting your life"  she then said do you want a break, I said no and she said Igood I was just testing you

Yikes, OP. 

She isn't testing you. She was giving you an out, likely because she's about to pull back and doesn't want to feel like the bad guy. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Darcus30 said:

Thinking about it she said only yesterday "do you feel your wasting your life"  she then said do you want a break, I said no and she said Igood I was just testing you

She wasn't testing you.   

My interpretation of this is that she's making it VERY CLEAR that this affair is going nowhere.  She has no intention of leaving and if you want a future with her, then continuing together would be a waste of your life because it's not going to happen. 

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

She wasn't testing you.   

My interpretation of this is that she's making it VERY CLEAR that this affair is going nowhere. 

Exactly! 

And you just told her that you were fine with the status quo.

She must have been relieved, she doesn’t have to feel guilty about wasting your time. If you are not concerned, she doesn’t need to be either. 

Edited June 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[Bubble_20]

5 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

we've even set it up so been at the same place when she's with her kids.

Do you not worry what would happen if he found out you’d been out on a date with his kids there??? Many SO’s  would completely lose their s*** over that!

You might think you love each other. But, you’re only thinking of the two of you. There are many people involved in this scenario. The kids dad - who won’t simply disappear into the shadows when she eventually leaves (she won’t, not properly anyway). He’ll be there forever! 
How old are her children? You have no idea of the emotional effect that confused, heart broken kids (dad/mum relegated to a part time parent) can have on a affair turned full time relationship. 
People split up all the time which is stressful enough, but you’ll need to keep a low profile for a VERY long time if she wants her family and kids to believe you’ve only just met before you parade as a couple. 
Would she and her children be able to live with you when she tells him? 
Sadly, when you actually start talking about putting these things in motion don’t be surprised if she starts dragging her heels or blames the kids/partner and needs even more time. Worse still… leaves and then goes back!!!

Give yourself a slither of a chance with her and back away. If she really loves you, she’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen.

Don’t be a dick and fall down the same hole that many of us on here are trying to spare you from. 
Remove yourself from someone else’s relationship/family and wait for the right time. 

Edited June 28, 2022 by Bubble_20

[PotatoHead]

19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yikes, OP. 

She isn't testing you. She was giving you an out, likely because she's about to pull back and doesn't want to feel like the bad guy. 

I will second this.  She wants to end the affair but is afraid to hurt you, she doesn't have the balls to end it herself and is waiting for you to do it.  Otherwise is perfectly happy keeping you as her man on the side.

Do yourself a favor, end this and tell her you'll be there when she is ready to be with you.  Then you'll see her actions speak louder than words.

Edited June 29, 2022 by PotatoHead

[Allupinnit]

On 6/28/2022 at 8:33 AM, Darcus30 said:

Thank you for your kind words, problem is we have both said we don't want to end it,,  I dont want to be looking back at 60 thinking what if, does that make sense, she says doesn't love her husband and all that keeps her the are her 2 children.  So bloody complicated,  we never meant to fall in love was just meant to be a bit of fun, she calls me at every given opportunity,  says she loves me and I beleive  her 

It doesn't sound like you're ready to walk away from the situation and as long as you keep seeing her at the gym and at your workplace, you will find it impossible to extract yourself from the affair.

You're probably addicted to the drama and emotional torture and feel you have no choice but to wait it out.  That's what affairs do, aside from a one night stand it's almost never just "a bit of fun."  

How ironic that she asked if you feel you are wasting your life, because deep down you both know that's exactly what is happening.

[Allupinnit]

On 6/28/2022 at 4:49 PM, Darcus30 said:

Thinking about it she said only yesterday "do you feel your wasting your life"  she then said do you want a break, I said no and she said Igood I was just testing you

Thinking more on this but what an incredibly selfish thing to say!!!  jerking your chain to see if you still ok with only a portion of a r'ship!

Edited June 30, 2022 by Allupinnit