Having an affair

[Darcus30]

I'm so glad I found this forum, obvs I have no one else to talk to about this as its all a secret, this is my crutch 

[Bubble_20]

28 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you, yes I think after this (whatever happens) I'm 48 and will just stay om my own.

One thing you said struck home, you said a relationship built on messages and texts and odd meets and that's true.

Never thought of it like that. Todays phone convo has made me think, dont get me wrong t

Not to end it but I have respect for myself.

I'm sure you'll.agree is what u go to bed on and what you wake up to

The start of any new relationship if you hit it off with someone is usually exciting and based on texting and a couple of hours of meet ups here and there (dating). The difference there of course is that it settles down into a proper relationship or fizzles out very quickly and you notice differences and go your separate ways. 

In an affair, those intense moments become addictive, fantasy inducing because you never quite know when the next one will be? Texting and phone calls just fuel the excitement in between which in most cases I think then becomes anxiety driven.
After you meet, they go back to their lives/reality while you’re left floundering in self doubt and low self esteem waiting for the next text message or call/crumb of validation. 

I’m not sure I have anything more useful  to add to your thread but I wish you well and hope that you can make the break and take strength to leave the unhappy situation you are in. As someone else said earlier, you (and I’ll include myself here) are not the victims. This situation is the product of choices you made early on to continue down this path. 
You have the choice to decide what happens next. 

 

[Confused8647]

4 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Quick update I'm so sorry to bore you. So admittedly  I've sent a few messages and no proper responses just short replies. She called as she does when she cam, and actually said it passes her off when I keep messaging- that's just cruel, I'm not going to message 1st now and see what happens, I don't want to be a mug

Thanks for listening 

Darcus I hate to be the one to tell you, but what you have just described is me. I felt like less of a man, I did everything I thought she wanted or I wanted and it was never enough. As someone said she is prioritising her family now. Mine did exactly the same, the messages were shorter, no feeling in them and then the conversations become boring, and she will complain if you message to much…….your situation is identical to mine, and I am in a few months down the line than you are. The pain is indescribable but it does get easier, I promise x

[Will am I]

And may I add, it will take time to fall out of love with AP.

Your feelings are genuine, even if your relationship is one that only exists in the shadows.

I was in a brief but intense EA in the spring and it took me a few more weeks after ending it until I found I was thinking clearly again.

It was then that I started to realize how much I had confused the intensity of the relationship with intimacy. Intensity is typically very high in affairs because all the excitement surrounding every contact. Intimacy is something that builds over lots of time spent together.

And even way later I still have warm feelings for xOW. She’ll be in my heart for a long time, that’s something for me to accept but also to consciously leave it at what it is: a mere feeling.

These feelings shouldn’t stop you from investing your love, time and energy into an appropriate relationship.

[Darcus30]

So sorry you went through thst pain. Hope your OK.

Can I ask did you end it or did she? 

[Will am I]

Thanks.

I’m good, and with the help of a very devoted wife and a couples counselor even my marriage seems to come out stronger.

I was the one to end it. I didn’t like to be “that kind of man” (who gets involved with a younger woman in his 40s). And when I found myself harbouring thoughts about getting xOW closer to me or myself closer to her, I knew I was going to really derail things unless I stopped it now.

xOW was OK to be in that spot. She has some emotional damage that probably makes it easier to be in an “arms length” kind of thing than in a real, committed relationship. 

[pepperbird2]

On 6/17/2022 at 4:35 PM, Darcus30 said:

Hi all, this is my 1st post,  typed several times and deleted as I'm new to this, pls no haters.

I'm a 48 Yr old  single male and have  been having an affair with a woman (not married) but with same partner for 20 years, she has 2 children aged 8 and 12. We were friends 15 yrs ago after meeting at the gym, we were gum buddies, chatting away whilst working out together, we both flirted but never went any further than that. Then she got pregnant so left the gym, we always stayed in and out of contact via work email only. Skip forward 15 yrs and she cane back to the gym, we hit it off as before although this time she spoke about how she didn't love her partner - only as the father of her kids. 

Things progressed and we hit the sauna, jacuzzi. Chatting away, this went on for months, nothing happened then we kissed,  we started meeting up at lunchtimes at my house and had amazing sex (both thought the same) 

Here we are now 1 year on still meeting up and deeply in love. 

Shes wants to leave him but doesn't know how amd does not want to ruin the kids lives but says she is unhappy.

Says we are soul mates - I love her so much too but tike part is like a knife through the heart, thinking of her in bed with him, she holds off sex for weeks with him giving excuses but eventually has to cave,  she's open and tells me as I wanted to know rather than wonder. She hates it and says she feels unfaithful to me . 

She messages me and calls at ebmvery opertunity but I want to show our love to evertmyone, do normal things as does she.

I guess I'm asking for any advice, she says I'm the love of her life. Lost without her with Me but what do we do next?

I've never been in an affair before and it wasn't planned at all, started as a bit of fun.  I know what we're doing is wrong but we can't stop, pls dont judge.

Thanks for listening  

She doesn’t want to ruin the kid’s lives, so she does the one thing that stands A very high chance of causing them a huge amount of trauma?

 

 

[pepperbird2]

On 6/19/2022 at 3:08 PM, Darcus30 said:

Thank you, the plan is, to leave her partner, without the Affair being discovered then getting her own place and we start dating casually, slowly introduced to the children if that makes sense

What do think will happen if/when they find out she lied?

there’s a whole other dynamic at play here. The kids, especially if they are small, aren’t going to be interested in “mommy wasn’t feeling happy in her marriage so she cheated on daddy. “ - they’ll likely blame her, and by extension, you.

[Darcus30]

Thank you so much for your reply, yes I get what your saying,  but we are in love, it's hard I know I should end it but can't 

[pepperbird2]

On 6/28/2022 at 9:33 AM, Darcus30 said:

Thank you for your kind words, problem is we have both said we don't want to end it,,  I dont want to be looking back at 60 thinking what if, does that make sense, she says doesn't love her husband and all that keeps her the are her 2 children.  So bloody complicated,  we never meant to fall in love was just meant to be a bit of fun, she calls me at every given opportunity,  says she loves me and I beleive  her 

I’m really sorry, but come on! A bit of fun?

Right now, she Is showing you EXACTLY who she is. It didn’t just happen. She allowed it to, and then carefully tended the budding relationship. She isn’t cheating as a one off to a bad situation.She did it because she finds it morally acceptable. What happens when she decides you’re boring/ she “ loves you but she’s not in love with you/ she feels she needs more attention/ she’s at work or the gym and some other guy who catches her eye strikes up a conversation? 

if this sort of thing” just happens” with her, how will you ever trust her?

[pepperbird2]

On 8/7/2022 at 7:16 PM, Confused8647 said:

Darcus I hate to be the one to tell you, but what you have just described is me. I felt like less of a man, I did everything I thought she wanted or I wanted and it was never enough. As someone said she is prioritising her family now. Mine did exactly the same, the messages were shorter, no feeling in them and then the conversations become boring, and she will complain if you message to much…….your situation is identical to mine, and I am in a few months down the line than you are. The pain is indescribable but it does get easier, I promise x

She’s not prioritizing her family-if they mattered P, she wouldn’t have cheated.

 

she’s simply prioritizing herself. Sounds to me like you weren’t willing to be the fun toy she could use and then put back on the shelf when she no longer needed you anymore. 

[Darcus30]

Felt lonely last night for the first time in a while, sun was out and there I was sat on my own indulging in sone wine, thinking of her wity her family, im not after sympathy - just someone to listen, it helps me.

This site is a god send!  I know some of you will think I'm an a bad person, I'm really not, just fell in love with the wrong person

[Confused8647]

2 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Felt lonely last night for the first time in a while, sun was out and there I was sat on my own indulging in sone wine, thinking of her wity her family, im not after sympathy - just someone to listen, it helps me.

This site is a god send!  I know some of you will think I'm an a bad person, I'm really not, just fell in love with the wrong person

Darcus you are not a bad person. You fell in love with someone who couldn’t be yours. You will see one day, you’re worth so much more. It is time to let her go, and if, she is ever in a position to be with you, then she will find away, but please don’t waste any more time hoping and thinking it will happen. I desperately hoped the statistics of A that survive was wrong, but there’s.a reason only 5% of A survive. It’s time to let her go. It will hurt, you will still think about her and wonder what if, but please let her go and find your own happiness x

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Felt lonely last night for the first time in a while, sun was out and there I was sat on my own indulging in sone wine, thinking of her wity her family.

That's your choice. Being alone a lot. It's not about good or bad, it's about not wanting a full time relationship. It's easier to live in a fantasy than the day in day out realities of a real full time relationship. She's home dealing with the typical issues of family life and there you are enjoying sunshine and wine without the hassles. Only having interaction if and when you feel like it.  And that suits you. 

[Darcus30]

25 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

Darcus you are not a bad person. You fell in love with someone who couldn’t be yours. You will see one day, you’re worth so much more. It is time to let her go, and if, she is ever in a position to be with you, then she will find away, but please don’t waste any more time hoping and thinking it will happen. I desperately hoped the statistics of A that survive was wrong, but there’s.a reason only 5% of A survive. It’s time to let her go. It will hurt, you will still think about her and wonder what if, but please let her go and find your own happiness x

Thank you for being  kind,  I'm just not ready yet but hopefully that day will come, her partner knows something is up and even asked her if she's having an affair

[Darcus30]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's your choice. Being alone a lot. It's not about good or bad, it's about not wanting a full time relationship. It's easier to live in a fantasy than the day in day out realities of a real full time relationship. She's home dealing with the typical issues of family life and there you are enjoying sunshine and wine without the hassles. Only having interaction if and when you feel like it.  And that suits you. 

I guess your probably right , i do t mind my own company but there are times when I miss a full time partner like days to the beach etc..

[Will am I]

You’re not a bad person. You (and your AP) made some questionable choices. 

What you truly want seems to be a committed relationship. It does not seem too likely that your AP will give you that. 
 

Everything starts with your own conscious decision to choose for yourself. And you may choose another partner.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

 i do t mind my own company but there are times when I miss a full time partner like days to the beach etc..

You don't need a full time partner for that, just someone you can date casually who is available when you're available. The problem with this arrangement is she's only available when she's not busy with her husband/family.

[mimidehami]

Hi Darius,

I am writing because your story touched me.  You see, everything you said made total sense, but you are missing some key info that will help you make a decision about what to do with CONFIDNECE.  I think when you read this, you'll know what I'm going to tell you is right.  When I explain WHY, you will get it and you will know I'm right--either today, tomorrow, or in the short way or in the long way, hard or easy... you will eventually learn what all people in your situation learn:  there isn't a high probability of this new relationship working, no matter how much in "love" you feel right now;  But, I'm not here to preach and I hope your relationship succeeds, for your sake, but we need to take the blinders off for a minute.  That's what I'm going to show you, in the next few paragraphs. 

The book I'm going to refer you to is written by Dr. Willard Harley, called "Surviving an Affair."   I know, the title suggests the affair will end, and it will end because it must end.   (I know you didn't want to hear this, because you are in love, but bear with me).   Allow me to explain what will happen and why, and I can say this with almost 100% confidence because there are real live stats out there on the survival rate of marriages/relationships that stem from an affair and very few people will explain that it's not about stats--it's about a truth you're overlooking.   You are in LOVE.  And you CARE for her.  And YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.   I doubt you need me to tell that.  You already knew that, right?  I can even imagine that you are probably normally a moral person.  And some on this forum will judge you.   That's not their job, but they will.   Many don't know how love works--so they don't know that your lover's bank account with her husband (love bucks) simply got to low and went bankrupt.  He wasn't supplying all of her most precious needs and had likely ignored them or not understood them.    There's a lot of people will will say you are morally wrong, so that's why you should stop the affair.  I'm not going to do that, because I did not do that myself, LOL.  IN fact, logic goes out the window when the sex is great and the love is flowing.   That kind of love feels as though it's unstoppable, and that's because you are truly in love.    But the affair has to end, and it will end.  Why?

You see, not only is it morally wrong--it is, in fact, an illusion.  Wait, don't hang up. LOL.  I know you don't want to hear this, but bear with me.  I'm not here to preach to you... I know from whence I speak, because  I did the same thing she did--except I was married and had no kids.  But there are a million stories like mine.   You don't have to live with your affair partner, but when you do, you will face the same woman her current husband faces, and though the problems will be different, they WILL COME.  All couples face problems.  Will she be able to communicate her most vital needs to you so that this doesn't happen again, and God forbid, she have another affair?   We don't know.  But one thing is sure.  She has needs she doesn't understand or she would have already left her husband or fixed it with him, one of the other.  No one gets into an affair because they wake up and say, wow, I really would like to ruin someone's life today! 

Your affair partner is filling some basic needs that every human has--that if left unfulfilled, leave us fairly miserable, as humans.  Her husband once filled this for her, and they were once in love, as you can imagine, or they would never have married. He was meeting her needs at one point, or they'd have never gotten married.  So what happens to our marriages?

The same thing that always happens.  Sex is less interesting the 1000th time than the 10th time.  Maybe she starts to turn him down for sex because she's tired and he got hurt and started having an affair himself.  Maybe she's overly critical of him.  Maybe she comes off as controlling (to him, of course).  Maybe he has an intense need for sex that she doesn't understand.  One way or the other, you will face some kind of problems with this affair partner---only you can't see them right now, because you are in love. 

Once the illusion of an affair fades (and it will, in 90% of the cases, according to stats, within 2 years of starting).  The easiest way to figure out whether or not your affair will stand the test of time is to expose it to the light of day.   Go straight to her spouse and tell him you love her and you'll do anything to be with her.  Then, go do just that.   WHY?  Because you will then get a chance to see her when she's 1) under pressure 2) she no longer has his financial support 3) her kids will have to face the truth of you being in her life---  in other words, the affair can't remain a secret forever and the illusion will fade and you will then be living in what we call reality.  Reality is not:  I have sex with a woman who doesn't live with me and doesn't understand or see my flaws (we all have them) and gives me what I want when I need it.  Reality is:  She is a mother with children, and she will have to face the possibility of losing her children's respect someday (the day will come when her kids find out what you both did to their dad).  Do you see what I mean? You will eventually have to face  reality and part of that reality is understanding one thing you right now can't figure out:   whatever was / is causing her to stay with her current spouse.     You don't know that, but if you did, you might RUN.  Yes, I said it.  

Why do I know?  I left my husband for another man.   The "other man" wasn't even mine to have.  I loved him, and the sex was great, but as soon as I was separated from my husband and had full and unfettered access to my affair partner, I could see him for who he really was.   Sure, the sex was great--until it wasn't.   He would get erectile dysfunction from time to time, and he was only 35 years old.   That didn't matter to me!  I loved him.  But he was not the financial provider that my husband was.  He was nowhere close to it, in fact.  He had an eye for other ladies (not only for me).   I started to see the real him, in other words.  It took awhile, but the illusion always fades.

I know your girl is perfect, right now.  Until you find out she's not.  No one is.

 Having left my spouse for someone else, I knew to never get involved in one of these affair things again, no matter HOW bad it went in my 2nd marriage (it was my new husband's first).  I was so sure that it would never touch my life, because I was sure I would NEVER, EVER have an affair again. Too sure.  In fact, I met a wonderful man, soon after that affair ended and we had a whirlwind romance and I fell madly in love with him.   He wanted to get married and we did.  We really loved each other and sex was off the charts.  We had two children and a marriage that lasted 20 years, until it ended last year, due to a heart-breaking affair:  HIS.   We are still married, though!  Yep.  The old marriage ended, and we had to start a new one.  We didn't legally divorce, but we ended the toxic relationship that had built up over the years, sadly, due to a lot of tough problems that came our way, and started a new relationship--one where we remembered why we fell in love in the first place and worked hard to listen to each other's pain points.  

How did I save it?  I exposed it to the light of day it deserved.  Yep.  I confronted him and told my family, his and our children.  WHY? Because that's reality, my friend.  Was it cruel? Well, no, not really.  Cruel is continuing to lie to someone and sleep with them when you don't really love them and are disrespecting them behind their back.  That's cruel.

 How did I know what to do?  Well, I found Dr. Willard Harely's book: Surviving an Affair.  When I opened it, the words leapt out at me--but not because it explained why my husband was having an affair.   It was because I felt like I was reading a book about why I had had an affair 20 years ago.  Yep.  Every word made sense.  The intense encounters of sex.   Planned "dates" / "meetups" where you only ever see good things about your affair partner.  I not only saw my own self, but I better understand why my spouse had stumbled upon someone with whom he connected, immediately and very innocently started to talk with.  We all have a need for emotional connection and if you aren't careful, the day to day with a spouse just keeps us from connecting.  We have to make time for it, and we weren't, as you've likely guessed.  I read the entire book BEFORE I confronted my spouse, and it saved me.  I knew just what to do that day I discovered the texts.  I was going to confront him and sure enough, just as Dr. Harley said:  if you want an affair to end, just expose it to the light of day.  That's why I can say, with confidence, what I'm going to tell you next.   

It's time to confront your lover and her behavior of staying with her husband.   She's staying for a reason, and you are ignoring that piece of info.  DON'T.  You won't know that reason (even if you asked) but let's just say that now, when she sleeps with him, it bothers you.   The irony can not be lost on you.   So, expose it to the light of day.  How you do that, will depend on you, but if she's worth it, she will gladly love that you ended this charade and made your love real.   

Now, for the good part.   Once you move in together (if you even get that far) you can see this woman for who she really is.  Will she be the woman you fell so passionately in love with?  Will love stay?   Who knows.  Stats are one thing; reality is anther.  But reality is informed by stats.  We can say, with assurance, there's not a high probability.  Therefore, KEEP YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN.  Still, I recommend going for it (exposure) because the sooner your expose, the sooner you will know if it will fly.

I can tell you what happened to me.  I discovered text messages, and the woman my husband seemed so wildly in love with, he dumped.  Yep.  Just dumped, on the spot.  The pressure of exposing the affair caused him to re-think what he was doing. There was a new vibe.  There was a 6 minute call that happened on FB Messenger between him and his lover.   All I know is that I had logged into the account so I could only see what his lover typed to him after that call:  "You shouldn't have hung up on me."   

 Did he REALLY want out of the marriage?  I asked him.  I told him that after 19 years, no harm no fowl.  If he wanted a divorce, I'd give it.   Strangely... He said no.    He told me he still loved me--even though things had gotten hard, and that he didn't expect this other woman to want to marry (he needed sex).   

They were arguing every other day in texts so the signs were already there that things were not all they were cracked up to be, but I was still heartbroken.  I cried for days--weeks, in fact.  I lost my job--and I had a REALLY GOOD job, LOL.  I kept it for 6 months but I began to miss meetings and sometimes, during the middle of the day, I would find myself in tears.  It was rough, but I stayed, because he told me he wanted to.  That meant THE WORLD.  Why? Because I loved my spouse, and I began to see the things I was doing to contribute to the breakdown of our marriage.  In short: It wasn't all HIM.  :-)   I needed to come down a few pegs, seriously.  I took him for granted.  

The affair didn't just touch me.  My kids were angry with their father (they were 15 and 17) and they still haven't quite forgiven him.   I didn't want that to happen, but it did.  That's when I started to really understand how affairs destroy entire families.  

We sometimes let people into our lives that have no business there.  We start talking (innocently) not understanding it can lead to an affair.  Intimate conversation is an emotional need of humans and one that affects a lot of women.  If it is not met, they can end up in an affair.  Sex is a need many men have (and women).  In my own life, I can see where turning my husband down (for being tired) was a terrible thing.  He was hurt and of course, when the opportunity arose, he wasn't likely to resist.

Luckily, we survived.  We are one in a million, I"m sure.  The stats weren't in our favor.  The stats are now not in your favor, either.... but hey. If love is worth it, give it a try.  But just don't keep living a lie.  It's not going to help.   Expose it to the light of day, and come clean with your relationship.  If she loves you, she will leave him, and if she loves your for good, she will remain by your side.

[Will am I]

Kudos for the book tip. It’s on my Kindle from today.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

her partner knows something is up and even asked her if she's having an affair

You are waiting for her partner to kick his cheating “wife” out so that you can snatch her up!! Does that seem like a good thing?

What if he discovers her cheating and tells her to end her affair? What if she discovers how very close she is to losing everything she has and drops you like a hot potato to make amends with her family? 
 

As you will read on these boards, spouse discovers affair does not necessarily = you get your chance with your affair partner. And, even if you do - you’ve got a woman with a wandering eye who has proven herself to be dishonest and unfaithful. It goes without saying that you can not, should not, trust this woman. Ever.

[Will am I]

I’d say usually spouse discovery is the end of the affair, not the marriage. Not something to wish for if you’re in OP’s position.

[JakeT]

Think about it. She has the best of both worlds.  A home, kids an SO to take care of her. Holidays, vacations, party’s. With SO and family. The you a lover, who treats her like a queen, great loving giving her attention sex.  The best of both worlds. Yes if SO died yes you will be there.  But she just loving it. Nothing is better then forbidden sex 

[Darcus30]

Yes I toy get that, and you could argue that I knew what I'd signed up for but now for some reason I hate it when I know she's on  a night out with him or even shipping together,  I ha e bo right to feel this way I know - as she's not mine. For want of a better word.

Anyone reading  this that's on the border of entering into an affair - DONT DO ITf

[Allupinnit]

You can't really love someone when you can compartmentalize them and separate your "real life" from the stolen moments you have with a lover.

People confuse lust, longing, anxiety and secrecy with love and those are addictive feelings that are only satisfied when you can see one another.  You get your fix then the clock resets til the next time you get a hit.  It's a drug, not love, an incredibly addictive drug that you are finding you can't quit.

Love doesn't operate this way.  She is an incredibly selfish, attention-seeking woman who likes having her cake with you on the side.  You can't get more cliche than meeting a man at the gym!  *eye roll*  come on man.  She is playing both of you.  People with kids divorce every single day if they really want to.

Edited August 15, 2022 by Allupinnit