Second chance - but can't stop thinking of another..normal?

[sunsets]

My ex and I broke up 5 months ago, after 2 1/2 yeras together, we lived together and it was painful - I never ever thought I would take him back as we had such a tough break up, for varius reasons. Work issues, , lack of boundaries with his ex, various pressures.

 

However he has really made an effort to work on himself in that time, resolve unfinished business and has come back after me.

 

i can see he really means it and really loves me and regrets all that happened, he is very genuine, I am lucky I have this opportunity to try again with someone who really loved me enoguh to go and sort himself out.

 

We agreed on couples counselling and so far it is all going well.

 

My concern is that during the time we broke up I believed we would never ever try again and started to date others. I found myself involved in a brief sexual fling with a very charismatic man, which soon slowed down, but was never really over as such, as we still found ourselves flirting, kissing etc, as we often saw each other through mutual friends.

 

Now I am making a go of it with my ex and feel happy about it, not quite there yet as far as feelign safe and secure with our decison to try again, but happy with it all so far, yet I am still thinking about this other man.

I saw him this weekend and I was with my partner and yet I found myself more physically attracted to this man I had a fling with. he and I kept looking out for each other, when he came over and talked to me I get butterflies, yet I feel comfortable with my ex - as oviously we ahd over two years together before, it truly know him. I feel guilty for these feelings, i don't understand them properly, i am not goign to act on them, I just want to know if people understand what I am experiencing? I love my ex - happy we are trying again and yet here I am fancying someone else. A lot.

 

I am aware it is probably just lust, we really only had a sexual thing, we never got to know each other, I know he is a player, so not someone I really want, but I am drawn to him - why?

 

I still love my partner/ex (still not sure of title as still in midst of making go of it) , yet after our night out where I saw this man I had a fling with, I found myself thinking about him, while with my ex who is declaring how much he loves me and treating me as I deserve to be...I feel so awful for what was going through my head, sadness at the idea of never seeing this man I had a fling with again.

 

Can anyone help me with this? reassurance it is normal? or am I just shallow and awful. Am I just scared of trying again?

 

we did have an awful break up and I have a bit of a wall up that is slowly coming down, maybe this is connected...this is why I still cannot fully call himmy boyfriend again, he is still the ex I am making a go of it with! I do know I love him, why am I thinking of this other guy? - who has never had a long term relationship in his life, at 32, is a player, never treated me really how he should've int he very short time we had a fling, yet I feel chemistry near him..and I see him feel it with me too??...I wish I didn't fancy him and could just focus 100% on my ex and I again...

[brittanyjean259]

you shouldent feel at all awful for your feelings, thats not your fault...

its just a reminder that you have a second chance at" likeing some one"...just the thing is...you say he treats you like *hit....your ex on the other hand your comfortable with...

 

but i meen inorder to have another relationship you go through the" gettin to know each other stage" you cant just be with your ex because your comfortable with him ...im sure you love him though...

 

you should honestly take time from both ...was it really hard those 5 months... im sure it was...but your gettin the chance to get that butterfly feeling again....

thats a good sign...thats what leads to love...did you guys not talk for 5 months?

 

just wondering

[whereismylifegoing]

go with your ex.......you are just afriad of getting hurt again and your feelings aren't all there yet........it takes time to build feelings for somebody who has denied you.........this other guy sounds like a piece of ****........c'mon, he's f***in 32 and doesn't have his act together........you are probably in denial about this guy........you don't even have to think about it........you know the answer.

[mimosa770]

"I am aware it is probably just lust, we really only had a sexual thing, we never got to know each other, I know he is a player, so not someone I really want, but I am drawn to him - why? "

 

I understand the question of your attraction to this other guy. It happens, but I'm starting to think that sometimes our minds just go out on their own limb. It sounds like you know that he wouldn't be right for you anyways. Just let it go. More importantly, it sounds like your "ex" (?) is really trying. It seems to me that you would be selling yourself and your ex short by not giving it all your effort and attention. There have been a few people in my life that there was chemistry there, but unresolved, and I think that's okay. All those what if's are not worth considering against someone you truely care about.

 

Good Luck-

[sunsets]

You are both right with all you said and I do know it.

 

I guess too, my ex acted like a jerk when he saw this other guy, he invited himself along to this night out,claiming to want to meet some of my new frinds I made while we were apart. He knew this old fling of mine would be there as he was ther eto say goodbye to his best mate, it was his best mates party, a mutual friend of ours and my ex promised he would be cool with it all and was there to meet these new friends and be out with me.

 

however he was anything but cool, he watched me like a hawk all night, he brought along these two guys he hardly knows, who were so drunk they acted weird too, he doens't evne know one of them, he kept demanding attention from me, whenever I ws talking to others, yet it was one of my friends farewells, they were leaving for another country, it was their night. So I ws mingling loads, he knew a lot of people there, he didn't need me there all ngiht to hold his hand.

 

He got angry and weird when the old fling came anywhere near me, I introduced them to try and ease it a bit, but he went even weirder after that... I know this is normal, jealousy etc, but we do not need this at this stage - it put me off.

 

So I guess the other guy acted more maturely than my ex - who is meant to be winning me back, he did a poor job of being mature (I know a difficult situation, but we weren't together when I had this fling, I did not flirt with him, I introduced my ex to all who were there, I did my best to make him feel welcome ) and yet he ruined my night...whereas the other guy was very cool and lovely, so I think i have confused my feelings, today I feel like I want neither of them, too much drama for my liking!

 

believe it or not I sound like a teenager, yet we are early thirties!

 

I am confused today, all this counselling and we were making progress he was being so mature and yet one night and he put me off again due to his jealousy...it is fear I know.

 

He was very immature in the past and he was back to his old ways on saturday - he pressured me to say he could come and behaved very immaturely all night and ruined my last night with a very good friend.

 

Thanks for your repleis, I am going to go and have a talk with him...this isn't about the fling...at all...

[brittanyjean259]

well if your ex is that same guy, than screw them both...he needs to shape up....and you lusting the other guy...you might not know it but you could just want him because now your ex is" trying"...

 

 

go really slow...you could be ment for some one else you know:)

[head/heels]

doesnt sound like either one of them are good for a stable woman who wants to be loved rightly. So i say take baby steps and keep putting your ex (occasionally) in situations where he has a chance to show his true colors....i know this sounds like a test, but in a way you need to know that if you go out to a bar and talk to a guy as a friend, he wont attack him or you for doing it! just be smart and by all means realize that a. the player is only in it to hit it and quit it b. he wants you more because you are now taken (competition is fun for him) c. he wont keep you because you are not a new conquest, he will move on to his next prey d. you cant make him change or gorw up based on how good you are to him or how good you drive stick.

[sunsets]

Thanks again all for your input.

 

I had a great chat with my ex last night and he poured out his heart, talked abou thow insecure he felt around me with the "player", how he felt like he is not relly completely with me yet and hated the idea of this other guy being the last guy i was physically with. he talked about how he never really let go of me when we broke up so for him it feels like a type of betrayal - my sleepign with someone else when we broke up.

 

So he apologised for his behaviour, but said he feel sbetter for beign able to put a face to a name with this other guy, that his insecurity led to being an arrogant jerk and he is sure it won't happen again if a similar situation arises. Ture he had never done anything like the jealousy reaction int he past.

 

As for the player I know how they work, shame he got me at all really , but I was in a different place then. He still finds me attractive and it is just physical I know, but I know he is a pointless pursuit, so I will not follow it further and I am sure he will leave my mind eventually - the more secure i feel with my ex, as we move forward to hopefully a point again where I can comfortably call him my boyfriend.

 

I have feelingn we will get there, we talk now like we never did before and the counselling really helps.

 

Thanks again guys.