My date's sibling

[mortensorchid]

I am not sure if this should go here or not but this is rather ... Disconcerting to hear.

I connected with someone on Facebook, [ ] We got to chatting about things in general.  I mentioned my sister in conversation, saying I am not sure if she is doing anything for our dad for Father's Day.  He said he is going to play golf with his dad.  He mentioned his brother lives with his father (parents are divorced) and assembles Legos all day.  He sent me a picture of all of the sets on display.  

His brother [ ]  lives at home with their father who pretty much allows him to be a man child.  He said he (the guy I was talking to) is worried since his parents are getting up there in years if and when they die that he will end up taking care of him.  Then he asked me out to dinner next weekend. 

I ... Worry about this.  Granted I may never speak a word to him again after our dinner date but I am concerned about hitching my wagon to this situation.  I don't know these people but potentially getting involved with this is ... Troubling.  

Anyone else in a situation like this?  Something similar? 

Edited June 19, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic/offensive

[glows]

It would seem a worry that he may have a dependent sibling but that doesn’t seem to be a reality in the least, seeing as you may not see him again. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Then he asked me out to dinner next weekend. Granted I may never speak a word to him again after our dinner date but I am concerned about hitching my wagon to this situation.  I don't know these people but potentially getting involved with this is ... Troubling.  

If you feel his family life is too complicated for you, you may be incompatible. Perhaps going on about his family dynamics is part of his getting-to-know-you process, perhaps he needs someone to talk to and all this is TMI.

Edited June 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[BrinnM]

Just go to dinner with him and see if you have a good time. That’s as far ahead as you need to think. You’re not hatching your wagon onto anything at this point. This bridge can be crossed when/if you get there. 
(OT: How old is the sibling? It seems weird that he describes his brother as basically very immature, lazy-ish, and not very driven.  [ ] 

Edited June 19, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to hidden content.

[ShyViolet]

I'm sorry but this is a bizarre question.

[ ] 

Why would this man have to "take care" of his brother after his parents pass away?  [Is he] severely disabled and can't take care of himself.  And how does that have anything to do with you anyway?

Edited June 19, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to hidden content.

[Weezy1973]

Honestly, it's kind of understandable why you struggle so much with dating.  My guess is you're picking some random thing to pick at, to keep you from caring much about the outcome of the date. Your expectation is that you'll be rejected, so instead of hoping or wanting things to work out, you have a defense mechanism where you immediately look for reasons why you wouldn't want things to work out. A kind of "reject them before they can reject me" approach. Not uncommon, but certainly unhealthy.

[Happy Lemming]

I've actually seen something similar to this.   A distant relative (of mine) got involved with a guy (and eventually married him) who had a disabled brother.  (Long story.. short) When the parents died, the disabled brother moved into their home.  It was a complete and total disaster and disrupted their lives for a few years. 

This distant relative put up with a lot and really, really tried, but it was just all too much for her.  Eventually she gave her husband an ultimatum about the brother and the husband finally agreed to put his brother in a facility.  It was a horrible, horrible mess.

If you are looking for opinions on this matter, throw this guy back in the pond.  He is already telling you his brother is going to be more important than a relationship with you and if you guys get involved, be prepared to be a care taker of this disabled brother.

[mortensorchid]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I've actually seen something similar to this.   A distant relative (of mine) got involved with a guy (and eventually married him) who had a disabled brother.  (Long story.. short) When the parents died, the disabled brother moved into their home.  It was a complete and total disaster and disrupted their lives for a few years. 

This distant relative put up with a lot and really, really tried, but it was just all too much for her.  Eventually she gave her husband an ultimatum about the brother and the husband finally agreed to put his brother in a facility.  It was a horrible, horrible mess.

If you are looking for opinions on this matter, throw this guy back in the pond.  He is already telling you his brother is going to be more important than a relationship with you and if you guys get involved, be prepared to be a care taker of this disabled brother.

This ^ is what I am concerned about.  The odds that we will be an item is a possibility like it is with everyone, but this is something to be considered.  I mean, someone you have an OLD might have some situation like this, and they never talk about it to you upon the first meeting.  Plus you could never hear a word from them again after the OLD as well.  This is a major thing to think about. 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, mortensorchid said:

This ^ is what I am concerned about. 

My father worked with mentally disabled individuals for 32 years.  He knew every aspect of their behavior, he knew what to expect and what WOULD go wrong.

He had a sit down talk with this distant relative, he warned her about everything he had seen during his career.  She didn't listen to my dad and married this guy. My dad EXACTLY predicted the future. He was 100% right about everything.

And again, it was a horrible mess.

You really don't need this in your life. 

NEXT!!

[basil67]

It's a sad state that there are often insufficient residential places for people who have disabilities.  And of those places which are available, they are often less than pleasant places to live.  Things are changing, but there are a lot of siblings who do need to end up doing this care.

Anyway, what you describe is the position our daughter will be in when we are too old to care for our disabled son.  While our goal is to get him settled into a residential facility, our daughter will be his guardian and perhaps have to pick up any slack when we are no longer around.  This could involve temporary housing, legal stuff, making sure his needs are met.   So, she's in the same boat as the guy you've met.  Honestly, only a boyfriend/husband who possesses much compassion and kindness would work for her. 

Edited June 20, 2022 by basil67

[SingFish]

36 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Honestly, only a boyfriend/husband who possesses much compassion and kindness would work for her. 

And me. I think kindness and compassion are really good traits. Essential traits. 

My sister has placed our disabled brother in a group home now, he's very happy and comfortable. She's finding him an advocate to take over the guardian role when she can't do it. She did say there's been a lot of paperwork involved, but it does not affect her any more than that. I'm really proud of her. 

Pretty much everyone is going to have some potential commitments or challenges by the time we're getting older. The best people step up to the plate and do what needs doing. Life isn't all butterflies and roses, I would not want to get involved with someone who could not be supportive when something bad happens. 

That said @mortensorchidI'm not sure why someone would tell you so much of his business. At this stage it's not relevant. Set your boundaries, don't get into conversations like this with strangers.

22 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

assembles Legos all day.  He sent me a picture of all of the sets on display.  

I think a lot of people have similar hobbies, one of my friends does puzzles. He's a legal actuary, whatever that is!

22 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

their father who pretty much allows him to be a man child. 

My father did this with my brother in terms of there was no financial reason to work. It undermined his sense of agency. 

 

 

[basil67]

36 minutes ago, SingFish said:

My father did this (allowed him to be a man-child) with  my brother in terms of there was no financial reason to work. It undermined his sense of agency. 

Was this a conscious choice your father made, or did he not have the tools to help your brother through the next steps?  Thing is, much the same could be said for us and we didn't really start making headway till we got a fantastic O/T who gave our son strategies to problem solve and helped us better support and understand the behavioural issues which were tied into the problem.  

Perhaps your dad really didn't care - I'm not making assumptions.  But for a lot of us, and possibly including the parents of the man MO dated,  parents simply do the best they can with the tools they have at the time.  Even though it's not in the overall best interest of anyone, it can get exhausting fighting battles each and every day and sometimes just doing the job yourself brings much needed peace and quiet. 

 

[SingFish]

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Was this a conscious choice your father made, or did he not have the tools to help your brother through the next steps?  Thing is, much the same could be said for us and we didn't really start making headway till we got a fantastic O/T who gave our son strategies to problem solve and helped us better support and understand the behavioural issues which were tied into the problem.  

Perhaps your dad really didn't care - I'm not making assumptions.  But for a lot of us, and possibly including the parents of the man MO dated,  parents simply do the best they can with the tools they have at the time.  Even though it's not in the overall best interest of anyone, it can get exhausting fighting battles each and every day and sometimes just doing the job yourself brings much needed peace and quiet. 

 

My father cared but he felt sorry for my brother. He never really accepted the disability, often was in denial. And as you say often was overwhelmed. I found better sources of help at times but my father always blocked my brother moving on. It was a bit of a mess at times but once he died my sister was able to take charge in a more healthy way. Our brother is really happy now, she placed him in a group home for a while but he kept saying he wanted his own apartment so she placed him on a waiting list for a special supported project. He loves it there. 

Not everyone copes well alongside illness or disability. But it's reality, it's life. My father did his best. 

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

This ^ is what I am concerned about.  The odds that we will be an item is a possibility like it is with everyone, but this is something to be considered.  I mean, someone you have an OLD might have some situation like this, and they never talk about it to you upon the first meeting.  Plus you could never hear a word from them again after the OLD as well.  This is a major thing to think about. 

The only way this would be an issue for you is if you and this guy were to live together or get married.  You do realize that having dinner with someone doesn't mean you are getting married, right?  We tell people on this board all the time not to get ahead of themselves in dating, and this is getting ahead of yourself to the extreme.

[Alpacalia]

This is all just theoretical speculation at the moment.

The thought that someone you are interested in might mention in passing that their disabled brother is in need of help, as if to imply that the two of you are going to look after him, would never occur to me.

Probably the biggest leap in my head anyway.

But it's a truth that people take care of each other in their families, right?

If you think this might be an issue that would worry you, then don't proceed.

Edited June 20, 2022 by Alpacalia

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

This is all just theoretical speculation at the moment.

Yes. Not inevitable. There are alternatives. Anyone whose parents are still living could end up needing to deal with something like this eventually. And there is a chance that anyone you marry might need caretaking at some point in the future. 

But... if you're looking for a reason to reject people before even going on a date, this is as good as any. You could also reject bicyclists because of the possibility that they could be involved an accident, become disabled, and need caretaking. 

I know a couple who moved her brother in when her parents died. He has some type of disability, perhaps autism, not sure. They are working on alternatives to move him out. It drives the husband nuts; he doesn't like having this person in his space. It's not that he isn't compassionate, he just wants his privacy and his couch back. He loves his wife dearly, and they've had 40-50 years of happiness, raised wonderful children together. Should he have refused to get involved because she had a disabled brother? Even though for him it's an actuality now, I do not think he regrets marrying his wife.

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, salparadise said:

Yes. Not inevitable. There are alternatives. Anyone whose parents are still living could end up needing to deal with something like this eventually. And there is a chance that anyone you marry might need caretaking at some point in the future. 

Quite right.

I also sort of look at it in that way when parents are getting older.

As a family caregiver, I've been taking care of my mother for several years so she is not placed in a nursing home or assisted living facility, and I hope the person I am dating will take this into consideration as well. No need for me to expect him to fill any "role" but if he had a problem with it then see you later, gator.

To predict anything beyond that, although, at this point I am not sure I understand what purpose that would serve.

Most people experience these things at some point in their lives, but the choice is yours OP if that's not something you want to consider.

 

Edited June 20, 2022 by Alpacalia