Should I be concerned by wife's contact with ex?

[Friddle32]

Hey all,

My wife and I are 31 (me) and 34 (her) and have been married for 4 years in September. All together we have been dating since October of 2015.

All has been going well until I did a little snooping that got me upset a few weeks ago.

My wife had been asking for new pots/pans for her birthday and I agreed to get her them. Said I would like to get her a nice set and told her to look into it and let me know what she likes.

I then saw she posted a status on Facebook to crowd source information. She wrote to all of her "friends who like to cook" requesting their opinions on pots/pans. She also added that her "chef friends are welcome to provide opinions as well- Looking at you Bob (she tagged him)."

I was curious because I had never heard of this guy so I clicked on his page.

Soon I realized that my wife has liked quite a few of his pictures and statuses since we started dating up until present day. Mostly pictures of food but also pictures of him with his siblings/family and selfies. 2 of the pictures she liked were actually shirtless and that really bugged me.

Upon further "research" I found a picture of my wife and him together back in 2015, they went on a date a few months before her and I got together.

Immediately my fears started playing out that maybe she has some continued interest in this guy or that he would be a better match for her. She has dreams of going to culinary school and becoming a chef herself.

I spoke with her about it and she told me not to compare myself. Told me that she doesn't even keep in contact with this guy. Saying it was 7 years ago and they went on a handful of dates over the course of a month.

She also unfollowed him and removed him as a friend since I told her it makes me uncomfortable. I didn't ask her to, but she claims she did it to make more comfortable. Though she did seem annoyed about it and said something about "having a life before me" and how I'm trying to "erase her past." Which is not my goal.

We also talked about it during couple's therapy and she reiterated that she is not interested in this guy and that I should not be comparing myself to someone she dated 7 years ago. She even threw him under the bus a little bit when she started to list all the reasons why she loves me.

She added in "not to be mean to him, but he's 36 and still living at home with his parents. There is nothing to compare yourself to."

I feel like I should feel better after these comments, but I'm still nervous.

Advice?

[stillafool]

33 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

She added in "not to be mean to him, but he's 36 and still living at home with his parents. There is nothing to compare yourself to."

Your wife actually means this and outside of this guy's cooking probably doesn' have much respect for him.  She married you.  You have nothing to worry about.

[ShyViolet]

50 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

Though she did seem annoyed about it and said something about "having a life before me" and how I'm trying to "erase her past." Which is not my goal.

If you don't want her to feel like you are trying to erase her past, then stop being jealous over a guy who she went on a few dates with BEFORE she got together with you.  Frankly, you have no right to be jealous about that.  Everyone has a past, and she is allowed to have had a past before she got together with you.  

Her liking some facebook pictures and posts is harmless.  You are being irrational and you need to acknowledge that.

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

She also unfollowed him and removed him as a friend since I told her it makes me uncomfortable. I didn't ask her to, but she claims she did it to make more comfortable.

This is the key. She did this because she loves you and cares about your feelings, even though you were overreacting. She's a keeper. But you might want to look into your own insecurities.

[Friddle32]

44 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

This is the key. She did this because she loves you and cares about your feelings, even though you were overreacting. She's a keeper. But you might want to look into your own insecurities.

Yeah I’m working on that because I know that’s a big part of it.
 

i got kinda annoyed the other day I saw she posted a status thanking everyone for the birthday wishes and he commented a week later saying “happy belated birthday lovely 🥳”

[Alpacalia]

I know it can be a tad unnerving when our special someone likes or comments on pictures or posts of members of the opposite sex.

Generally, a simple ask is more effective than an ultimatum since it's positive and not pressure-filled. 

All you can do is be totally honest with her about how it’s affecting you, listen with an open mind to her side of things, and hope that she’ll prioritize your feelings over acknowledging someone else’s photo. 

That's exactly what she's done.

[basil67]

What's behind your insecurities?  Do they stem from previous actions of your wife?  

[Friddle32]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

What's behind your insecurities?  Do they stem from previous actions of your wife?  

I’ve been in past relationships that have ended in my getting hurt. I also think that it caught me off guard because I never knew of this guy and they dated right before her and I got together.

 Also the fact that she liked damn near every post and status. Selfies and shirtless pics.

 I’ll admit there’s a little jealousy there too because I can objectively see he is a handsome guy who looks to be a good chef with a decent personality. Made me wonder if she would rather have him or is still pining over him as the one that got away.

[Friddle32]

Should I not be concerned about his birthday message? Seeing him write “happy belated birthday lovely 🥳” really hurt and makes me wonder why he thinks that okay when you can clearly see that she is married with a child.

[Wiseman2]

They seem to have a shared interest in cooking an recipes. That's it. There's nothing to suggest a nefarious motive or flirting or anything other than an interest in cooking,recipes etc.

Your concern that there's "something going on" seems like there's actually other issues in the marriage overall or that you're doing some injustice collecting because someone else has caught your eye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Friddle32]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

They seem to have a shared interest in cooking an recipes. That's it. There's nothing to suggest a nefarious motive or flirting or anything other than an interest in cooking,recipes etc.

Your concern that there's "something going on" seems like there's actually other issues in the marriage overall or that you're doing some injustice collecting because someone else has caught your eye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I mean I would agree with this but I just don’t understand liking and even “love” reacting to his selfies. saying she can’t wait to try out the new restaurant he’s working at.

 Also he wrote on her wall a week after her birthday this year saying “happy belated birthday lovely”

i don’t understand why she wouldn’t just say that either instead of telling me they don’t talk anymore, she doesn’t care about him and has no reason to keep in contact with him.

I’d be okay if she just said oh yeah he’s a guy I once dated. Didn’t work out romantically but he’s a great chef.

 Instead she gets defensive and annoyed when I bring it up even if I’m just starting my feelings on it.

They just seem a little too close for my comfort.

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Is this an indication that she still has a strong emotional attachment to her ex-partner?

Or, is it just a lack of self-confidence.

When and how did you and your wife meet?

Ensure that she knows your limits and what you consider acceptable and what you feel is not. Discuss this together so she won’t accidentally devastate you because she has no idea what you need.

[Friddle32]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Is this an indication that she still has a strong emotional attachment to her ex-partner?

Or, is it just a lack of self-confidence.

When and how did you and your wife meet?

Ensure that she knows your limits and what you consider acceptable and what you feel is not. Discuss this together so she won’t accidentally devastate you because she has no idea what you need.

I have no idea because she won’t discuss it with me. When I brought it up she was in a good mood. As soon as I mentioned it bothered me that they still follow each other she sighed and pulled out her phone then unfollowed him and was basically like “ok he’s unfollowed I don’t want to talk about this I’m going inside “

I followed her in because I just wanted to talk and she kept telling me she didnt understand where this was coming from, how we are doing good and I’m just looking for things to get upset over, judging her for having a past, etc.

she really didn’t even make eye contact with me and I kept saying just look at me and talk. I said I understand not all exs have to hate each other and it’s okay if they are still friends I just needed to get this off my chest so I don’t jump to conclusions because that’s not fair to her or our relationship.

I asked her if they still talk and she continually denied it saying she has no reason to communicate with him.

 Even though I can see otherwise.

I think it’s the defensive and invalidating reaction that really upsets me the most.

Edited June 21, 2022 by Friddle32

[heartwhole2]

When you say you can see otherwise, do you mean liking/commenting on each other's statuses, or texts/messages that you have seen? If it's just the public stuff, then that's a better scenario. But if she's lying about chatting with him directly that's a bigger deal.

My guess would be that she has a vague feeling of flattery about interactions like him calling her "lovely" -- it feels good. She probably doesn't think too deeply about it, and she doesn't like it when you bring it up because it's forcing her to admit that she's engaging in some mild flirtation.

In couple's therapy have you guys come up with some ground rules to protect your marriage? Things like . . . if I get a message from an ex, I'll share that with my spouse. I won't have coffee or drinks with someone of the opposite sex without mentioning it to my spouse first. Etc. Every marriage will be tested in one way or another, and it's good to think through some easy stuff you can do to stay transparent with each other. Most affairs start out as friendships and build from there, so you shouldn't be hiding any friendships from each other.

But at the same time, you need to extend trust to your partner. You want your partner to remain faithful to you because they choose to, not because you made them do it. Otherwise it's not much of a partnership. Sometimes we have silly little fantasies or feel flattered by innocent interactions and I do believe there should be some mystery and privacy in marriage as long as it's not playing out in reality.

For background, I learned these lessons the hard way, by my husband having an affair. One of the first clues was when he claimed he barely knew this woman but had liked all of her photos going back years before he met her, so he had to scroll back through her profile to do it. With your situation, it does seem odd that he called her "lovely." That suggests a level of ease and flirtatiousness that doesn't match what she's admitting to. But personally I'd probably let that go (as opposed to making her admit, "Fine! I find it mildly flattering and exciting that he's a little flirtatious with me!") as long as we had a productive conversation about boundaries going forward. I'd focus on how anyone, myself included, could cheat if a friendship was established or deepened secretly. I'd say, let's protect our marriage by having some ground rules about opposite sex friendships. It's not about erasing our pasts; it's about protecting our future.

[Friddle32]

14 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

When you say you can see otherwise, do you mean liking/commenting on each other's statuses, or texts/messages that you have seen? If it's just the public stuff, then that's a better scenario. But if she's lying about chatting with him directly that's a bigger deal.

My guess would be that she has a vague feeling of flattery about interactions like him calling her "lovely" -- it feels good. She probably doesn't think too deeply about it, and she doesn't like it when you bring it up because it's forcing her to admit that she's engaging in some mild flirtation.

In couple's therapy have you guys come up with some ground rules to protect your marriage? Things like . . . if I get a message from an ex, I'll share that with my spouse. I won't have coffee or drinks with someone of the opposite sex without mentioning it to my spouse first. Etc. Every marriage will be tested in one way or another, and it's good to think through some easy stuff you can do to stay transparent with each other. Most affairs start out as friendships and build from there, so you shouldn't be hiding any friendships from each other.

But at the same time, you need to extend trust to your partner. You want your partner to remain faithful to you because they choose to, not because you made them do it. Otherwise it's not much of a partnership. Sometimes we have silly little fantasies or feel flattered by innocent interactions and I do believe there should be some mystery and privacy in marriage as long as it's not playing out in reality.

For background, I learned these lessons the hard way, by my husband having an affair. One of the first clues was when he claimed he barely knew this woman but had liked all of her photos going back years before he met her, so he had to scroll back through her profile to do it. With your situation, it does seem odd that he called her "lovely." That suggests a level of ease and flirtatiousness that doesn't match what she's admitting to. But personally I'd probably let that go (as opposed to making her admit, "Fine! I find it mildly flattering and exciting that he's a little flirtatious with me!") as long as we had a productive conversation about boundaries going forward. I'd focus on how anyone, myself included, could cheat if a friendship was established or deepened secretly. I'd say, let's protect our marriage by having some ground rules about opposite sex friendships. It's not about erasing our pasts; it's about protecting our future.

Yeah as far as I know I’ve only seen the public stuff. Just annoys me that I’m like well clearly you do because it’s on your Facebook you were asking for him to provide opinion by name.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Friddle32 said:

she kept telling me she didnt understand where this was coming from, how we are doing good and I’m just looking for things to get upset over, judging her for having a past, etc.

Ok you got the cards out on the table, now stop and reflect on her statement  because she has a point about you badgering her over some innocent exchanges between people who share an interest. She poses an excellent question to reflect on. Where is this coming from?

[vla1120]

5 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

She also unfollowed him and removed him as a friend since I told her it makes me uncomfortable. I didn't ask her to, but she claims she did it to make more comfortable. Though she did seem annoyed about it and said something about "having a life before me" and how I'm trying to "erase her past." Which is not my goal.

We also talked about it during couple's therapy and she reiterated that she is not interested in this guy and that I should not be comparing myself to someone she dated 7 years ago. She even threw him under the bus a little bit when she started to list all the reasons why she loves me.

She added in "not to be mean to him, but he's 36 and still living at home with his parents. There is nothing to compare yourself to."

I feel like I should feel better after these comments, but I'm still nervous.

You are right. You should feel fine about the situation. She unfollowed and removed him as a friend. She clearly wasn't trying to hide him from you. I agree with the "having a life before me" statement. She is with you, now. That should be all the information you need to know. Don't let jealousy damage your relationship. 

[Friddle32]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok you got the cards out on the table, now stop and reflect on her statement  because she has a point about you badgering her over some innocent exchanges between people who share an interest. She poses an excellent question to reflect on. Where is this coming from?

I think it just made me uncomfortable because they dated right before her and I and they never stopped communicating so I didn’t know if there was some lingering feelings or unfinished business.

a few weeks prior I had seen a text convo between her and a co worker about a “hot doctor” in the office that gave my wife a compliment. She got all excited and told her friend she was sweating and what not so that hit my self esteem a little like why is this dude able to get you so excited over saying he likes your hair?!

that message kind of put me on high alert.

Edited June 21, 2022 by Friddle32

[Friddle32]

44 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

You are right. You should feel fine about the situation. She unfollowed and removed him as a friend. She clearly wasn't trying to hide him from you. I agree with the "having a life before me" statement. She is with you, now. That should be all the information you need to know. Don't let jealousy damage your relationship. 

She kind of did try to hide it from me. She knows I don’t have an Instagram so when I brought it up it was regarding facebook. After our discussion I started an Instagram to document my running and see that she still follows him there.

also when I brought this guy up she was like I didn’t date anyone the Summer before you and I got together, you probably saw a pic with me and a friend.

then when I showed her the pic it was oh okay so i can’t have a life?

I have no problem with her having a past, just so long as it stays there.

[mark clemson]

She unfollowed him so I think you're good. IF you find out she's "secretly" contacting him, that would be a worry. I doubt that will happen - so I wouldn't assume anything too negative out of insecurity until you actually see something.

[Friddle32]

17 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

She unfollowed him so I think you're good. IF you find out she's "secretly" contacting him, that would be a worry. I doubt that will happen - so I wouldn't assume anything too negative out of insecurity until you actually see something.

Yeah she unfollowed him on Facebook but still has him on Instagram. Meh oh well.

[mark clemson]

IMO you can ask that she unfollow him there as well. Tell her it bothers you, she'll probably understand.

To use a metaphor, as a spouse you are a "king/queen" - a friend (including an Ex) is a "pawn" (some friends are more important than that implies, but no doubt you see what I mean). She shouldn't hesitate to sacrifice a pawn for a "king" (and she didn't and should be willing to continue that course).

DON'T (IMO) stop her from having other friends; you're allowed to have friends (of course)! Just this particular friend is an issue. Hopefully it won't engender much discussion and she'll just do it without issue.

[Friddle32]

5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

IMO you can ask that she unfollow him there as well. Tell her it bothers you, she'll probably understand.

To use a metaphor, as a spouse you are a "king/queen" - a friend (including an Ex) is a "pawn" (some friends are more important than that implies, but no doubt you see what I mean). She shouldn't hesitate to sacrifice a pawn for a "king" (and she didn't and should be willing to continue that course).

DON'T (IMO) stop her from having other friends; you're allowed to have friends (of course)! Just this particular friend is an issue. Hopefully it won't engender much discussion and she'll just do it without issue.

It makes me uncomfortable because she knows how I feel and knew I didn’t have an Instagram when I brought it up. Almost like she unfollowed him to shut me up but didn’t think I’d see the other connection.

[mark clemson]

Ok. My thought would be to stop fretting and just ask her to close it down and not have contact with the guy. IMO you should have the right to nix specific "problem" friends in a marriage and truly justifiably or not it bothers you. You feel how you feel, so just ask her to end this (specific) friendship and all social media contact.

[Friddle32]

6 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Ok. My thought would be to stop fretting and just ask her to close it down and not have contact with the guy. IMO you should have the right to nix specific "problem" friends in a marriage and truly justifiably or not it bothers you. You feel how you feel, so just ask her to end this (specific) friendship and all social media contact.

I think I’ll wait until couples therapy to address it. She’s good at flipping things on me with gas lighting and what not.