Should I be concerned by wife's contact with ex?

[Friddle32]

15 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

I personally think her lack of self-insight is more of a threat to your marriage than her feelings or whatever for this guy. It's totally normal to romanticize "the one that got away" . . . and with everyone keeping in touch with everyone from their past on social media, you're going to be liking some photos and writing comments without it really meaning too much.

I'll be totally honest that for me, this person is my high school sweetheart. If my husband were to look at my liking and commenting habits with regards to this ex versus another random person, it would definitely look like I prefer the ex. I've never been dishonest and have been careful about my boundaries. But yeah, if the guy who broke my heart when he went to college indicates that he still thinks of me, I like it. Do I really know this person 25 years later? No, of course not. Am I obsessed with him? No. Am I going to run off with him? No.

If we had a different marriage . . . if I weren't someone who held myself to really high standards, if I weren't aware of my latent feelings and motivations, if my husband hadn't had an affair which might influence what he feels he can ask for (though honestly I think he just finds it impossible to imagine me cheating) . . . then maybe I'd unfriend and block this person. I've asked my husband if he wants me to, but he trusts me, and he is treating me how he wants to be treated, by not policing my social media.

So I don't know. I can't speak for your wife. But I definitely think that it's possible to be mildly overly-interested in the social media life of an ex without it meaning anything earth-shattering. I wouldn't even call this having feelings for a person because it's a narcissistic nostalgia for how that relationship made you FEEL.

I really appreciate the thought out and personal responses. I guess I just never knew about this guy and now I’m a bit blind sided.

i struggle not to compare myself to him but part of me will do it anyway as I try to reason why she can’t get over him. What is so great about him ya know?!

I know they really bonded over their passion for cooking and while I enjoy cooking and encouraging her passion I know I am not a chef.

Edited June 22, 2022 by Friddle32

[Friddle32]

One post in particular was something about finding someone who lights a fire in you that will never go out. Then realizing that just because that person lights a fire in you they are often not the person you spend your life with.

 That one stung a liter cause I was like wow you’re spending your life with me…guess I don’t light that fire.

 Although I know rationally that she also has recently gotten out of a long term (5 year) relationship with a guy who cheated on her then married that girl 3 months later.

 Also we had not met yet so there’s that.

[heartwhole2]

16 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

I really appreciate the thought out and personal responses. I guess I just never knew about this guy and now I’m a bit blind sided.

i struggle not to compare myself to him but part of me will do it anyway as I try to reason why she can’t get over him. What is so great about him ya know?!

I know they really bonded over their passion for cooking and while I enjoy cooking and encouraging her passion I know I am not a chef.

I think you're internalizing this too much. It's not about him as a living, breathing person. It's about how at one point she wanted someone to like her and he didn't like her that much, and there would be some sort of psychic closure if he were to show interest in her.

I know there are plenty of interesting and attractive people in the world. That doesn't impact me because I am interesting and attractive in my own right. I care about my partner's boundaries because lines can always be crossed in the right circumstances. But I don't worry so much about policing his subconscious thoughts, or my own. The key is to have enough self-awareness to admit to yourself when you're attracted to someone so you don't keep crossing lines and pretending you're not. This is what I would focus on in therapy . . . it's not that she doesn't have a right to a past and to innocent interactions on social media. It's that people need to be proactive about protecting their marriages because it's natural to be attracted to other people.

[BaileyB]

I have a man on my Facebook page that I went on a few dates with about 10 years ago. His mom just died and I sent him a condolence message, along with everyone else on his page. Nice guy - but I had no interest in dating him then and I still have no interest in dating him. I would delete him tomorrow if my partner asked. But, he is not worried about it at all - he’s not on Facebook. Just sharing because it is possible that they could be “Facebook friends” and she could have no other interest in the man. I would try to let this go… not something I would go to marriage counselling about. Individual therapy perhaps, if you are having difficulty letting this go and continue to feel insecure. 

[vla1120]

15 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

One post in particular was something about finding someone who lights a fire in you that will never go out. Then realizing that just because that person lights a fire in you they are often not the person you spend your life with.

 That one stung a liter cause I was like wow you’re spending your life with me…guess I don’t light that fire.

Ouch. I can understand why that one stung. That's a little more involved than just liking his posts. It's one thing to get caught up in what "might have been" with someone who dumped you (which probably has more to do with her ego, having been the dumpee and not the dumper), but it is a bit of an insult to the person you chose as your life partner to indicate he might not be the one who lit a fire in you that will never go out - add to that, the fact that she advertised it on social media. Not cool. At the very least, ask her not to embarrass you on social media by publicly indicating you might not have been the person she thought she'd end up with. 

Edited June 23, 2022 by vla1120

[Friddle32]

3 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Ouch. I can understand why that one stung. That's a little more involved than just liking his posts. It's one thing to get caught up in what "might have been" with someone who dumped you (which probably has more to do with her ego, having been the dumpee and not the dumper), but it is a bit of an insult to the person you chose as your life partner to indicate he might not be the one who lit a fire in you that will never go out - add to that, the fact that she advertised it on social media. Not cool. At the very least, ask her not to embarrass you on social media by publicly indicating you might not have been the person she thought she'd end up with. 

I mean this was a quote she had reposted back in 2015 before we were dating or had even met.

[Friddle32]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I have a man on my Facebook page that I went on a few dates with about 10 years ago. His mom just died and I sent him a condolence message, along with everyone else on his page. Nice guy - but I had no interest in dating him then and I still have no interest in dating him. I would delete him tomorrow if my partner asked. But, he is not worried about it at all - he’s not on Facebook. Just sharing because it is possible that they could be “Facebook friends” and she could have no other interest in the man. I would try to let this go… not something I would go to marriage counselling about. Individual therapy perhaps, if you are having difficulty letting this go and continue to feel insecure. 

Condolences is cool and all but liking his selfies and pics of him with his shirt off..eh.

[vla1120]

All of that being said, I also agree that you should try not to internalize this too much. How is your relationship, otherwise? Is she attentive to you? Does she invest time and energy into your relationship and marriage? Try to judge the situation by her actions, not by her (somewhat thoughtless) words on social media. Be secure and self-confident in the knowledge that you are enough and you are worthy. That confidence will be much more attractive than showing insecurity and jealousy (even if somewhat warranted.) I hope that makes sense.

[vla1120]

2 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

I mean this was a quote she had reposted back in 2015 before we were dating or had even met.

OH. That's a horse of a different color! Maybe that is how she felt then, but she is with you now. She chose you. 

[Friddle32]

Just now, vla1120 said:

OH. That's a horse of a different color! Maybe that is how she felt then, but she is with you now. She chose you. 

For sure. I guess my issue is that she still keeps up with the dude and liking his photos etc. so I get nervous where I’m like oh great, you’re still not over him.

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, Friddle32 said:

For sure. I guess my issue is that she still keeps up with the dude and liking his photos etc. so I get nervous where I’m like oh great, you’re still not over him.

Just try to keep everything in perspective. She's not texting him or calling him, right?. She's present in your marriage. Social media is not real life. You have a day-to-day life with her. Concentrate on that and don't worry about monitoring her likes on social media. You'll drive yourself insane.

[DKT3]

It seems that your feelings are largely being invalidated here, just know its kinda normal when a man asks this types of questions here.

 

The more you write the more it appears that your wife is at the very least fantasizing about "what if" with other men.

 

At this point its probably best to keep quiet and pay attention.  You've made your point and conveyed your feelings to her, continuing to do so will not likely stop what she is doing, it likely going to make it worse.

 

If she doesn't view you as "enough" then the constant conversations about it won't change that.

[Alpacalia]

It is as if you are dwelling on social media comments that took place back when the two of you first started dating. Then you mention another relationship she had (which lasted for five years).

Her vaping habits and other men complimenting her also have you on her case.

Looking into her past may reveal some things that are upsetting to you. The point I am making isn't to say that they aren't upsetting or that you shouldn't feel the way you do, but ruminating on them won't help you in the long run.  

She deleted the man she dated for a month and hasn't liked his photos or commented since then, correct? Wasn't that what you suggested earlier? 

Could it be your wife simply isn't happy with you? I don't know. Perhaps you are just unhappy.

Or, do you feel that she settled for you? Maybe that's it.

Edited June 23, 2022 by Alpacalia

[DKT3]

Its my understanding that she blocked the guy on one, but still has him and follows him on others. 

Her behavior isn't as innocent as is being stated in many of these comments. So much of what OP is saying is being ignored or overlooked.

[Friddle32]

1 hour ago, DKT3 said:

Its my understanding that she blocked the guy on one, but still has him and follows him on others. 

Her behavior isn't as innocent as is being stated in many of these comments. So much of what OP is saying is being ignored or overlooked.

Yeah I go back and forth myself.

 The behavior is just so ambiguous in a lot of ways that it almost makes me feel silly for being upset then at other times validated.

 Some further understanding or actual discussion/validation from my wife would help I think.

[Friddle32]

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It is as if you are dwelling on social media comments that took place back when the two of you first started dating. Then you mention another relationship she had (which lasted for five years).

Her vaping habits and other men complimenting her also have you on her case.

Looking into her past may reveal some things that are upsetting to you. The point I am making isn't to say that they aren't upsetting or that you shouldn't feel the way you do, but ruminating on them won't help you in the long run.  

She deleted the man she dated for a month and hasn't liked his photos or commented since then, correct? Wasn't that what you suggested earlier? 

Could it be your wife simply isn't happy with you? I don't know. Perhaps you are just unhappy.

Or, do you feel that she settled for you? Maybe that's it.

It was weird to see him say “happy birthday lovely” just a couple months ago when he clearly can see she’s married with a kid. Sounds way too comfortable to me.

Some of the other stuff I can brush off as friendly.

i also don’t mind men completing her. It bothered me to see that a simple comment on her hair color had her running to tell her friend.

 Also, she deleted him on the form of social media I had at the time I brought up the issue. She did not unfollow him on Instagram as I only had Facebook at the time. Was hoping she would delete him on both after I voiced my concerns.

Edited June 23, 2022 by Friddle32

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

Some further understanding or actual discussion/validation from my wife would help I think.

Serious question - what would you like her to say that she hasn’t already said?

[Friddle32]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Serious question - what would you like her to say that she hasn’t already said?

An acknowledgment of what she did and potentially an apology or even just validation of my feelings and some explanation of their interactions during our relationship.

[heartwhole2]

Spouses should definitely validate one another! A mature person in this situation would be able to say something like, "You know, it took me by surprise that it upset you because I didn't realize it looked like flirting. But now that you pointed it out, I see how it looks, and I can't excuse it. I'm sorry that I put you in the position to think I was flirting with someone else. I will work on having better awareness and boundaries."

Of course, the problem is that your spouse doesn't seem like a particularly mature person. But she's trying, on some level. So that's something to build on.

I wouldn't expect her to have detailed notes on what she said in 2015, and why. You've got this archived snapshot of a moment in time, but that doesn't mean it's seared into her memory and she can recall what she was thinking. Don't get stuck in the weeds with this issue.

And for your part, try to discern what you can work on, like being secure in yourself no matter how others treat you.

I had to deal with something like this recently, unfortunately. I noticed that some woman had put a comment on my husband's IG selfie and after consulting some friends lol, the consensus was that it was emojis saying "you're hot." After being cheated on I have a little PTSD about things like this so I immediately asked him who she was and why she put that, and he made some irrelevant comment about how he'd gotten a lot of follow requests from fishing accounts (as in, catching fish, a hobby, not phishing). So I was like, um what?

So basically what I think happened is that he worked on a group project with this person long distance over Zoom, and she must have assumed he's a single dad. Maybe it's because he was talking about this trip he took the kids on without me (I couldn't go because of health issues). So she asked to follow him, he clicked OK, and then suddenly she was making weird comments and he didn't know what to do. Now in a perfect world he would have realized this would be triggering for me and headed it off by telling me first and unfriending her, but he preferred to ignore it and hope it went away, and he didn't want to be "rude." I looked over his IG and noticed there were only photos of fish and our kids for the last five years so if she thought he was single, his IG wasn't really screaming otherwise. He put a photo of me and boop, no more comments or likes from her. He apologized for his stammering comment about fishing, and admitted that he was just nervous I would think he did something wrong and panicked.

So yeah, on one hand, I had a right to be upset, mainly based on his having had an affair and all (which I figured out from weird social media stuff like this). On the other hand, it's not his fault some person he never interacted with in person thought he was single. Putting the photo up of me stopped the weirdness, so the issue is solved. The same goes here. Your wife took action to accommodate your request. You don't get to control her thoughts and feelings. If your relationship is open and loving, then IMO this is something you should move past. If my marriage is in danger because some lady thought my husband was hot over Zoom, then it's not much of a marriage, is it?

Side note: when I said, "Could you please put a picture of me on IG?" my husband said, "I really admire how you just ask directly for what you want." I was like, yeah, that's me . . . but is that really so rare? I guess it is.

Just keep in mind that sometimes you think something external will make you feel better (if she just blocks him on this, or on this, or says this thing, or apologizes this way), but really, your insecurities and fears of rejection have been triggered, and you deal with those by learning to trust in yourself and knowing that you will weather anything that could go wrong in your relationship. Your partner shouldn't be doing shady things, but she's also not responsible for how you feel about yourself.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

It was weird to see him say “happy birthday lovely” just a couple months ago when he clearly can see she’s married with a kid. Sounds way too comfortable to me.

Some of the other stuff I can brush off as friendly.

i also don’t mind men completing her. It bothered me to see that a simple comment on her hair color had her running to tell her friend.

 Also, she deleted him on the form of social media I had at the time I brought up the issue. She did not unfollow him on Instagram as I only had Facebook at the time. Was hoping she would delete him on both after I voiced my concerns.

Right.

The problem is that I'm not sure it's reasonable for you to be upset with your wife every time another man compliments her.

Certain men may go heavier on the compliments than others.

Isolated incidents, such as wishing someone a happy birthday with the word "lovely," you can can let go of.

When it comes to a recurring thing, where he refers to your partner as lovely repeatedly, then you ought to start to question yourself why the man behaves in such a manner towards your partner?

That is another story if she does not shut it off by herself and tells him to stop hitting on her because she has a husband.

Either you set the rules for how things look (like having her sever her social media connections) or you end the relationship because it makes you uncomfortable. 

Number one sounds like the last thing you would want to do, because it sounds like you're actually a really cool person who has no desire to be a dictator to someone you're married to - but it's also a wise thing not to want to, because once you've told your wife how you want to be treated, the relationship is already on the verge of ending - and things only get worse from there.

Edited June 24, 2022 by Alpacalia

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

your insecurities and fears of rejection have been triggered, and you deal with those by learning to trust in yourself and knowing that you will weather anything that could go wrong in your relationship. Your partner shouldn't be doing shady things, but she's also not responsible for how you feel about yourself.

Your whole post is so well said heartwhole.

With kindness OP, I asked because I worry that there is not much she could say that she hasn’t already said that would ease your concern. This is not really about how good he looks or whether she liked his shirtless photo - like a woman who feels unattractive who simply can not accept her partner’s words when he tells her that she is beautiful… If you are insecure, there is quite literally nothing that she could say would bring you peace of mind. She has told you that that she chose you, that she loves you, that she is not interested in the man -  

At a certain point, you will need to decide if you trust her or not. That does not mean that you trust blindly, if she is not honest and transparent with you that is a problem. But, if you want to move forward and find happiness in your relationship, you will need to trust her. As heartwhole says, whether or not you trust her will depend on whether you believe that you will be able to weather anything that could go wrong in your relationship…

Edited June 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[Friddle32]

29 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Your whole post is so well said heartwhole.

With kindness OP, I asked because I worry that there is not much she could say that she hasn’t already said that would ease your concern. This is not really about how good he looks or whether she liked his shirtless photo - like a woman who feels unattractive who simply can not accept her partner’s words when he tells her that she is beautiful… If you are insecure, there is quite literally nothing that she could say would bring you peace of mind. She has told you that that she chose you, that she loves you, that she is not interested in the man -  

At a certain point, you will need to decide if you trust her or not. That does not mean that you trust blindly, if she is not honest and transparent with you that is a problem. But, if you want to move forward and find happiness in your relationship, you will need to trust her. As heartwhole says, whether or not you trust her will depend on whether you believe that you will be able to weather anything that could go wrong in your relationship…

I think part of my issue is that her words don’t match her actions. I haven’t brought up the likes and comments to her but they definitely don’t match up with her saying she doesn’t care about him and doesn’t talk with him.

 Maybe then she could have some insight into how it looks and I feel?

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

I haven’t brought up the likes and comments to her but they definitely don’t match up with her saying she doesn’t care about him and doesn’t talk with him.

Do some people use Facebook to communicate inappropriately with other people - absolutely, they do. 

That said, do you have “Facebook friends” for whom you like and comment on posts that you don’t want to date and don’t “care” about in a romantic way? I certainly do. Some of them are men I have previously dated and others I crushed on when we were younger (among other friends, family, coworkers, friends of friends). I haven’t told my partner - but even if I did, he would not care. The past is the past, we are each other’s present and future. Just as I know there were women before me and there are women he works closely with - I have no reason to feel jealous because I know he is committed to me and he has given me no reason to doubt him. 

There is a whole generation of millennials out there with 500+ “friends” who would likely say - liking a post or making a comment means nothing.

My thought - because they once went on a few dates, you are attributing more meaning to those likes and comments than was likely intended. She has told you that they are not otherwise in communication. His use of the word “lovely,” you have interpreted as a term of endearment when it could just be a kind birthday wish. 

Honestly, if I was your wife, I’d be pretty frustrated that my husband doubted my honesty and sincerity. I would get pretty annoyed and defensive when my word is questioned - not just once, but repeatedly. I don’t mean to dismiss your feelings but I genuinely don’t understand this insecurity.  And, I’m concerned that you are sowing the seeds of resentment that will only grow if you don’t find a way to let this go. 

I wish you well Friddle and I hope you continue the counselling - individual counselling if possible to work on this insecurity and develop your resiliency. Best wishes. 

Edited June 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

On 6/21/2022 at 2:31 PM, Friddle32 said:

I would say it’s a huge sign of respect to remove any potential threats to your marriage and not do things that could potentially make your spouse wonder.

I agree, I wouldn’t want to do anything that would make my spouse uncomfortable either. That said, she unfriended him when she learned that you were uncomfortable. 

And as she is learning now, she can’t control whether you wonder or not. You have taken what may well be a very innocent virtual “friendship” and created a story in your head that may or may not be true - but, you are convinced it’s true. 

And, one last point to ponder Friddle, with the best of intentions - would you consider it to be a sign of disrespect if you were honest and sincere with your wife and she did not believe you? How does that contribute or contaminate to the trust, respect, and love in your marriage? 

As I said above, I hope you continue the counselling and I hope you are able to find some peace and work this out. All the best.

[heartwhole2]

11 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

I think part of my issue is that her words don’t match her actions. I haven’t brought up the likes and comments to her but they definitely don’t match up with her saying she doesn’t care about him and doesn’t talk with him.

 Maybe then she could have some insight into how it looks and I feel?

At a certain point, if you're having really long conversations about this with yourself, but not with her, then you're just going in circles.

One thing I understand about my husband is that he is not an over-thinker like I am. He doesn't join internet forums and write long missives about his every thought. I can't assume that he spends time analyzing things the way that I do. So when I ask him to analyze his thoughts, I'm going to get a sentence or two. Opposites attract, and all that.

If a lack of empathy and respect is an overarching theme in your relationship, then I think you should address it. But if it's just this one instance, then I think this is a "wait and see" situation. I think your insecurity is causing obsessiveness, and you are subconsciously trying to stop yourself from being cheated on. But that's a fool's errand and you need to extend trust instead.

That's what I did when I saw the OW's name pop up as a notification and then I noticed my husband had liked all her photos going back years. I said, "I noticed this person pop up on your phone and then I saw on FB that you liked all her photos. Should I feel weird about this?" He tried to sidestep the question, but I kept pressing, and when he finally said no, I took his word for it. Now obviously he was lying, but I couldn't know that at the time. Extending trust didn't cause me to be cheated on. Not trusting at that point wouldn't have stopped me from being cheated on. The point is, you can't protect yourself from being cheated on by badgering your spouse about their answers. You have to continue being the spouse you'd want in the marriage you'd want. If your spouse isn't going to keep up their end of the bargain, you will figure it out sooner or later, and you will be strong enough to handle it. Someone who doesn't choose and prioritize you isn't the person for you anyway.