Should I be concerned by wife's contact with ex?

[Alpacalia]

28 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

Nope I did not get the chance to even discuss likes or comments. She basically pulled out her phone and unfollowed him because all I got to mention was that I noticed they still follow each other.

 From then on she didn’t really seem open to the conversation and just kept telling me she didn’t understand why I was bringing this up. It was 7 years ago I shouldn’t be comparing myself etc.

i wanted to bring it up but her reaction kind of shut me down.

What is your normal response to certain things she does? Is it frequent? What has been your usual approach with her?

The answers to those questions may explain her lack of understanding and quite possibly her patience with you when you brought it up initially. For example, based on a past experience, I am not keen to certain comments, and my response to them at times was to shut it down. 

In your previous comments, you referenced your displeasure with her vaping habits, her reaction to the doctor, and two of her ex-boyfriends.

Was it merely that liking the photos was the triggering event for this all to occur?

 

 

 

[Friddle32]

22 minutes ago, glows said:

I'm not sure that anything she says can help you with your anxiety. You do have anxiety but not sure if you are undergoing treatment for that. I may have missed it somewhere. You seem to have it fixed in your mind that he's a "hot chef". I was married to one by the way, a chef, and it's often quite difficult and stressful, working long hours and away from home most of the time. Far from glamourous. Whether he's hot or not is your perception of who he is. He still lives at home with his parents. You mentioned it elsewhere on another forum perhaps and maybe not here. What is so hot about any of that? I think you know what you know already but picking and choosing elements about this person as a scapegoat for issues in your marriage. If you're frustrated with her and for lack of intimacy or her pulling away, this "hot chef" is someone you can target and choose to be jealous over and anxious about. 

I'm sorry that you were hurt but your wife's actions and that the marriage seems like it's taking a downward spiral. You're pushing her away with these ruminations and the unchecked anxiety. Why spend your free moments living in pain? If your wife has checked out and no longer wants to speak with you because she dismisses your thoughts and concerns, you may want to rethink why you're with her or whether you can do things differently and start getting help for your anxiety.

So I think I took the hot chef assessment because objectively I can look at him and see he’s a handsome guy. Plenty of girls on his page commenting the same.

I also take that from my wife liking so many of his selfies and pictures with his shirt off as showing some sort of interest.

It’s weird because honestly the marriage overall has been greatly improving these past few months.

This has really been the only issue she has shut me out on and did not want to discuss further. Which only heightened my anxiety because I approached it in a calm manner and kept saying I just want to talk so I can feel better and not be jumping to unfair conclusions in my head.

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

So I think I took the hot chef assessment because objectively I can look at him and see he’s a handsome guy. Plenty of girls on his page commenting the same.

I also take that from my wife liking so many of his selfies and pictures with his shirt off as showing some sort of interest.

It’s weird because honestly the marriage overall has been greatly improving these past few months.

This has really been the only issue she has shut me out on and did not want to discuss further. Which only heightened my anxiety because I approached it in a calm manner and kept saying I just want to talk so I can feel better and not be jumping to unfair conclusions in my head.

They are women hopefully and not "girls". These women are commenting on someone's appearance on the outset and may not know anything about him. You, on the other hand, know enough about him and your wife actually has had discussions with you about him and told you about his background such as his living situation and him living with his parents, suggesting that he doesn't have the same responsibilities as someone like you - a father and husband or someone who manages his own household. She's told you not to compare yourself to him and yet you still do. It's resulting in her shutting you down. She shut you out only AFTER you continue to ruminate and allow your anxiety to go unchecked.

That is why I am suggesting you see your doctor or look into more help for your anxiety and ruminations. Your wife can't help you anymore if you keep telling yourself that this man is a problem. You'll have to decide whether you want to keep on with your marriage this way and living in crippling anxiety or whether you want to continue staying married at all, for that matter. 

Edited June 29, 2022 by glows

[Friddle32]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

They are women hopefully and not "girls". These women are commenting on someone's appearance on the outset and may not know anything about him. You, on the other hand, know enough about him and your wife actually has had discussions with you about him and told you about his background such as his living situation and him living with his parents, suggesting that he doesn't have the same responsibilities as someone like you - a father and husband or someone who manages his own household. She's told you not to compare yourself to him and yet you still do. It's resulting in her shutting you down. She shut you out only AFTER you continue to ruminate and allow your anxiety to go unchecked.

That is why I am suggesting you see your doctor or look into more help for your anxiety and ruminations. Your wife can't help you anymore if you keep telling yourself that this man is a problem. You'll have to decide whether you want to keep on with your marriage this way and living in crippling anxiety or whether you want to continue staying married at all, for that matter. 

I wouldn’t feel the need to compare myself if I didn’t see her paying so much attention to him.

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

I wouldn’t feel the need to compare myself if I didn’t see her paying so much attention to him.

What kinds of attention is she paying to him now? The emphasis is on now, not the past.

[Friddle32]

47 minutes ago, glows said:

What kinds of attention is she paying to him now? The emphasis is on now, not the past.

Since we spoke about it none that I know of. Though that was only a couple weeks ago and she was still liking his pics and what not through our whole relationship basically up until April-May.

 Though he hasn’t posted anything that I’m aware of and he’s in a new relationship so he’s not really interacting with her posts.

[Alpacalia]

59 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

 Though he hasn’t posted anything that I’m aware of and he’s in a new relationship so he’s not really interacting with her posts.

Looks like it is no longer an issue then.

[Friddle32]

19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Looks like it is no longer an issue then.

Sure it might be over now but doesn’t help me when I realize they were in contact our whole relationship. Feels like I’m in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect me and still has some need to engage with an ex.

 Like cool, she’s with me because he’s emotionally unavailable or not as interested in her as she is in him. I’m more financially stable and responsible…not exactly inspiring.

Edited June 29, 2022 by Friddle32

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

Sure it might be over now but doesn’t help me when I realize they were in contact our whole relationship. Feels like I’m in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect me and still has some need to engage with an ex.

 Like cool, she’s with me because he’s emotionally unavailable or not as interested in her as she is in him. I’m more financially stable and responsible…not exactly inspiring.

No. I thought you said they were in contact initially when the two of you started dating.

That just recently they've been in contact over some social media post she made.

And him moving away for business doesn't make him emotionally unavailable.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Friddle32 said:

Since we spoke about it none that I know of. Though that was only a couple weeks ago and she was still liking his pics and what not through our whole relationship basically up until April-May.

 Though he hasn’t posted anything that I’m aware of and he’s in a new relationship so he’s not really interacting with her posts.

 

27 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

Sure it might be over now but doesn’t help me when I realize they were in contact our whole relationship. Feels like I’m in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect me and still has some need to engage with an ex.

 Like cool, she’s with me because he’s emotionally unavailable or not as interested in her as she is in him. I’m more financially stable and responsible…not exactly inspiring.

That's an issue you'll have to deal with in your marriage. It has nothing to do with this man anymore and, again, you're using him as a scapegoat for frustrations within your marriage. If you don't like your wife or do not want to be married to her or resent her or feel she doesn't respect you, rethink whether you want the marriage at all. 

On the one hand you seem riddled with anxiety and on the other, you defend your thoughts and ruminations saying that your wife and another man is to blame. ....All while the source of resentment, this "hot chef" is no longer in the picture. Do you see how this looks? You still resent your wife even when there is no other man in the picture and harbour misgivings about the past. 

There's no way this can continue forward if you keep ruminating about the past. The hurt is too deep to get over and you'll have to make up your mind what you want to do. It's quite sad that your wife is still with you. Not many women would stay very long for this.

[Friddle32]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

No. I thought you said they were in contact initially when the two of you started dating.

That just recently they've been in contact over some social media post she made.

And him moving away for business doesn't make him emotionally unavailable.

Yeah, they were dating around like July-August when her and I started dating in September-October. They basically never stopped communication over social media (likes, occasional comments).

 Recently she tagged him in the post which made me investigate further and then confront her on what I saw.

 Not necessarily just because he moved away for business but a lot of her posts seem to indicate she had feelings for him that weren’t reciprocated. I get the feeling it was just physical for him or that he wasn’t looking for more at the time and she was.

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

Yeah, they were dating around like July-August when her and I started dating in September-October. They basically never stopped communication over social media (likes, occasional comments).

 Recently she tagged him in the post which made me investigate further and then confront her on what I saw.

 Not necessarily just because he moved away for business but a lot of her posts seem to indicate she had feelings for him that weren’t reciprocated. I get the feeling it was just physical for him or that he wasn’t looking for more at the time and she was.

Right but a woman can have residual feelings for a man she dated, meet someone else that blows the previous one out of the water. I know that's certainly been the case for me.

[Friddle32]

47 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Right but a woman can have residual feelings for a man she dated, meet someone else that blows the previous one out of the water. I know that's certainly been the case for me.

Same I can understand that but then why continue to talk with and like pictures of the other guy if the new one is so great?

[Lisa]

Thread has been closed.  The question has been thoroughly discussed, but is now running in circles.  Thank you all for your participation