Should I be concerned by wife's contact with ex?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Friddle32 said:

 She harped on that for quite a while and actually got upset with me because I had the day off work and went to run at a different park. She kept asking me if I “met up with anyone.”

Well then, the two of you have some things to discuss in marriage counselling. 

[Friddle32]

I can’t understand comments like when he opened a restaurant with his father.

”Congratulations! I can’t wait to try it out!”

Like who’s taking you? Surely won’t be your at the time fiancé.

[heartwhole2]

You might want to read up on rumination.

It seems like you are having the same thoughts over and over. Is there anything further to be gained by analyzing each long ago interaction?

What actions do you plan to take?

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

I can’t understand comments like when he opened a restaurant with his father.

”Congratulations! I can’t wait to try it out!”

Like who’s taking you? Surely won’t be your at the time fiancé.

Why are you so stuck on this?

Are you going to read every comment on her social media?

Is that how you want the rest of your marriage to be?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

I can’t understand comments like when he opened a restaurant with his father.

”Congratulations! I can’t wait to try it out!”

Like who’s taking you? Surely won’t be your at the time fiancé.

Why are you so deeply threatened by this man?

You seem very insecure in your marriage, which indicates there are deeper problems than this. Do you feel your wife doesn't really love you? That you're not good enough for her? You need to really reflect on what is behind your fears. A man who feels confident in his marriage would probably not pay this much attention to his wife's social media activity, so my assumption is that all of this is a symptom of a bigger disconnect between you and your wife. 

[Friddle32]

17 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why are you so deeply threatened by this man?

You seem very insecure in your marriage, which indicates there are deeper problems than this. Do you feel your wife doesn't really love you? That you're not good enough for her? You need to really reflect on what is behind your fears. A man who feels confident in his marriage would probably not pay this much attention to his wife's social media activity, so my assumption is that all of this is a symptom of a bigger disconnect between you and your wife. 

Not so much threatened by him as turned off by and frustrated with my wife’s behavior. 

[ExpatInItaly]

How's your marriage in general recently? 

[Friddle32]

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How's your marriage in general recently? 

Going very well the past few months. Just not sure what to make of this.

[Friddle32]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How's your marriage in general recently? 

I think there’s also some frustration built in because I had to cut off a friend that she didn’t like several years ago. This woman was someone I had worked with that my wife was threatened by.

i feel like she raked me over the coals for talking to her when we never dated but she kept in contact on social media with a guy she actually dated and had feelings for.

meanwhile I had no idea the guy existed.

feel like I did not expect this from her.

Edited June 27, 2022 by Friddle32

[Friddle32]

On 6/26/2022 at 11:19 AM, Alpacalia said:

Why are you so stuck on this?

Are you going to read every comment on her social media?

Is that how you want the rest of your marriage to be?

I think I’m stuck on it because I just don’t understand and she isn’t really open to discussing it. I guess I feel like if I know more I’ll be able to put it down or now how to handle it?

 Because sometimes I feel really wronged by it then other times I feel like I might be upset over nothing.

 Makes it tough for me to process and accept when I don’t have a clear understanding.

[Friddle32]

On 6/26/2022 at 11:02 AM, heartwhole2 said:

You might want to read up on rumination.

It seems like you are having the same thoughts over and over. Is there anything further to be gained by analyzing each long ago interaction?

What actions do you plan to take?

Oh I agree and I know I ruminate. I’m someone diagnosed with anxiety so it’s my nature.

I like to really understand or think through a problem before I act and this one has been tough because some days I feel wronged and like she really did something wrong then other days I think I’m over reacting so I don’t know how to act.

[girafficshark]

On 6/19/2022 at 11:33 AM, Friddle32 said:

Advice?

As someone who suffers from high anxiety, I think it is perfectly normal to be worried about it. However, I feel you should take a step back and remind yourself that she is your wife and she married you for a reason. She may have gone out with that man before she met you, but she had no clue of your existence. Think of the women you were with before your wife, they were all stepping stones that led you to the love of your life! She may not talk much about him because honestly there may not be much for her to talk about, and in her mind, she may not see it as a big deal or understand why it makes you feel the way it does. As for her interactions with him on social media, she may not even realize that she is liking his stuff. For me, it took me four years to realize I was following and liking the contents of a stripper I went to high school with. Nothing wrong with it, I just didn't realize I was liking her content for a while haha! Social media is tricky because I think it causes a lot of unnecessary anxieties. It is a bit strange that she unfollowed him on FB but not Insta. Maybe she forgot she followed him on there as well. In order to ease your anxiety, I think the best way to go about it is to bring it up and just ask her if there is anything for you to worry about and if you want to know more details about the guy, just ask for them. I am sure she would tell you whatever it is you want to know especially if she knows it will help ease your thoughts/anxiety. If she tries gaslighting or flipping it on you, just explain that you don't understand what the big deal is that you're curious about something and you have every right to be curious. A relationship is all about trust and compromise. If your partner is having doubts or anxiety then the other partner needs to do what they can to help lessen those doubts and anxieties especially if it is about a behavior from them that is causing it. Good luck, I hope this helps. 

[ctdans]

I am not an expert on social media but if she unfriended him and is no longer following him how could he have posted that happy birthday lovely message?  Did she post her thank you to the open world and accept messages from anyone in the world?

I would also be concerned about her continued liking of his posts or her responding  to posts.  I know she has the right to do as she pleases and I am not saying she has anything sexual going on.  But she knows this bothers you and to me her saying she dropped the guy out of consideration for you should also mean she is willing to go no contact at all with this guy.  Your feelings come first.  You can discuss this together or with your councilor but in the mean time her dropping him in all manner is really key.

Last comment:  I am with you regarding her liking his shirtless pics.  Liking his food posts, his pots and pans, his success in opening a restaurant, are all more general and acts of kindness.  Liking a shirtless pic is very personal and shows appreciation for his looks, physique, and even if harmless can send the wrong message as it did.  I don't think she would appreciate your liking posts of former dates if hey posted a provocative or bikini pic.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

 I know I ruminate. I’m someone diagnosed with anxiety

Ok so you have insight into  what's going on and why you're badgering her about it. Why  not go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. See if there is better treatment for being stuck in these anxiety loops.

[Meigs2010]

She unfollowed him. You have nothing to worry about. She loves you and she’s taking the steps to make you feel comfortable whether she agrees with them or not. Her getting irritated is probably because she knows you have nothing to worry about and in her mind she can’t believe you can’t see that. Relax. Talk to her and let it go. 😉

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

I think I’m stuck on it because I just don’t understand and she isn’t really open to discussing it. I guess I feel like if I know more I’ll be able to put it down or now how to handle it?

 Because sometimes I feel really wronged by it then other times I feel like I might be upset over nothing.

 Makes it tough for me to process and accept when I don’t have a clear understanding.

There's nothing to understand really.

They dated for one month.

It didn't work out.

She's with you now. She chose you.

 

Edited June 28, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Friddle32]

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

There's nothing to understand really.

They dated for one month.

It didn't work out.

She's with you now. She chose you.

 

Mostly why continue to engage then?

 Why like multiple pictures of him with his shirt off that are purposely taken to for attention?

 If it were me that would make me think wow this girl is still into me.

If not relationship wise, physically.

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

 Why like multiple pictures of him with his shirt off that are purposely taken to for attention?

Because she thinks he's hot. 

[Friddle32]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because she thinks he's hot. 

So obviously that would bother me as her husband.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Friddle32 said:

So obviously that would bother me as her husband.

Right, but what more do you want her to do about it?

She's deleted him, no? I am not sure what else she can do to assure you. 

[Friddle32]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Right, but what more do you want her to do about it?

She's deleted him, no? I am not sure what else she can do to assure you. 

On one social media platform yeah.

Not sure honestly, it really changed how I think and feel about her though.

 Very uncomfortable feeling knowing that while her and I are together she’s still lusting over some hot chef she had a summer fling with. Plus the fact that I didn’t know this guy existed makes it seem like some little secret infatuation.

Edited June 29, 2022 by Friddle32

[Friddle32]

52 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Right, but what more do you want her to do about it?

She's deleted him, no? I am not sure what else she can do to assure you. 

Feels almost like infidelity even though it’s technically not?

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Friddle32 said:

Mostly why continue to engage then?

 Why like multiple pictures of him with his shirt off that are purposely taken to for attention?

 If it were me that would make me think wow this girl is still into me.

If not relationship wise, physically.

Have you asked her why she liked the photos when you talked first about them? Did she explain to you why?

Talk about your worries with her in a calm and peaceful manner, and try to be open with her. That will not only eliminate your doubts, but it will bring you closer as well.

 

[Friddle32]

18 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Have you asked her why she liked the photos when you talked first about them? Did she explain to you why?

Talk about your worries with her in a calm and peaceful manner, and try to be open with her. That will not only eliminate your doubts, but it will bring you closer as well.

 

Nope I did not get the chance to even discuss likes or comments. She basically pulled out her phone and unfollowed him because all I got to mention was that I noticed they still follow each other.

 From then on she didn’t really seem open to the conversation and just kept telling me she didn’t understand why I was bringing this up. It was 7 years ago I shouldn’t be comparing myself etc.

i wanted to bring it up but her reaction kind of shut me down.

[glows]

38 minutes ago, Friddle32 said:

Nope I did not get the chance to even discuss likes or comments. She basically pulled out her phone and unfollowed him because all I got to mention was that I noticed they still follow each other.

 From then on she didn’t really seem open to the conversation and just kept telling me she didn’t understand why I was bringing this up. It was 7 years ago I shouldn’t be comparing myself etc.

i wanted to bring it up but her reaction kind of shut me down.

I'm not sure that anything she says can help you with your anxiety. You do have anxiety but not sure if you are undergoing treatment for that. I may have missed it somewhere. You seem to have it fixed in your mind that he's a "hot chef". I was married to one by the way, a chef, and it's often quite difficult and stressful, working long hours and away from home most of the time. Far from glamourous. Whether he's hot or not is your perception of who he is. He still lives at home with his parents. You mentioned it elsewhere on another forum perhaps and maybe not here. What is so hot about any of that? I think you know what you know already but picking and choosing elements about this person as a scapegoat for issues in your marriage. If you're frustrated with her and for lack of intimacy or her pulling away, this "hot chef" is someone you can target and choose to be jealous over and anxious about. 

I'm sorry that you were hurt but your wife's actions and that the marriage seems like it's taking a downward spiral. You're pushing her away with these ruminations and the unchecked anxiety. Why spend your free moments living in pain? If your wife has checked out and no longer wants to speak with you because she dismisses your thoughts and concerns, you may want to rethink why you're with her or whether you can do things differently and start getting help for your anxiety.