In love with someone else, what should I do?

[jd90]

I’m in desperate need of some life advice as I don’t know what to do. 

I’m a married man in my 30s with two children. I have been unhappy in my marriage for some time. Some three years ago I met somebody else who I feel is the first and only person I have ever met who I have truly connected with. This person is also in a relationship, but feels the same way about me. For a long time we pretended it was only friendship but as time went on we became more and more drawn to one another. We have kissed and our conversations have been intimate with a desire to cross the line further physically, though we have not done so, because we know what we are doing is wrong. 

We have both said how we feel the other person is a soulmate and that neither of us expected to find this type of connection. We feel guilty for simply feeling this way and although we have both talked about leaving our partners for the other, we have not done this as I feel we are both expecting the other person to make the first move.

The situation is made more complex by the fact I feel racked with guilt every single day because my wife is a good person who does not deserve to be treated this way. My wife and I have also had several conversations about separating in the past which have not come to fruition. I feel this is down to fear on both sides about how we would cope and there is also concern from my side on a practical level of how things would work out. I am concerned about staying in my relationship ‘for the kids’ and staying for the wrong reasons yet there are times where I feel so down about the situation and the inability to cope that I feel as if taking a drastic action such as suicide is the only way out. I am currently in therapy to talk through how I am feeling, including this situation, but don’t feel like it will ever change the situation or how I feel. 

Meeting someone else has framed things as ‘leaving my wife for another person’ mentally and I am not sure I can emotionally deal with that, as this would be making a decision for me and my own happiness which feels somewhat alien to me. Equally I find it difficult and overwhelming that the decision seems to fall to only me given the other parties involved. 

I am hyper aware that if I were to tell my wife the extent of my feelings for another person I cannot ‘unsay’ that and genuinely do not know the best way to navigate through a difficult situation. 
 

 

[Weezy1973]

So the first question I'd ask, is what is it about your marriage that is making you unhappy. Just on it's own. What brought on the talks of separation? If the marriage is an unhealthy one, it's likely better to end it than not. Kids are better off with divorced parents living emotionally healthy lives than parents that are together in an unhealthy, toxic marriage.

 

I'd separate the two issues. First priority is your marriage, separate from the other woman. I'd stop seeing the other woman, focus on your marriage whether that be to fix things, go to marriage counseling, or it means following through on separation and divorce. Make it about your marriage and not the other woman. Then if the decision you and your wife make is to divorce, you can start dating etc. when the time is appropriate. Remember there's no guarantee that the other woman will leave her relationship, so leaving for the other woman, rather than leaving because your marriage is unhealthy and there's no hope of making it better, is foolish.

[ShyViolet]

Even if you leave your wife, there is no guarantee that this other woman would leave her husband for you... she might chicken out and decide to stay.  There are a lot of stories about that happening.  So you need to view this as two separate situations... being unhappy in your marriage, and wanting to be with this other woman.  If you are so hopelessly unhappy in your marriage, then you should consider leaving.  But you need to have a plan to land on your own two feet and not have the whole thing depend on you jumping right into a relationship with this other woman.  You don't know what may happen in life or if she'll follow through on her end of the deal to leave her relationship also.  You need to ask yourself if you would still want to leave your marriage even if this other woman wasn't waiting for you and if it meant you being alone for a while.

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, jd90 said:

there are times where I feel so down about the situation and the inability to cope that I feel as if taking a drastic action such as suicide is the only way out. 

If this is true then for God's sake file for divorce.  If staying is making you suicidal it's now unbearable for you to stay in your marriage.   Your children needs a happy father not a suicidal Dad who is so miserable he can't think straight.  If you're this miserable you aren't hiding it from your wife and she is probably just as unhappy.  There is no easy way out of your marriage to be with your affair partner.  You both need to sit down and make a plan to first tell your spouse and her partner what is going on and decide what day and time to do it and not chicken out.  Even if you don't end up being with the OW it sounds like you need to leave to protect your sanity as I don't see this getting better.  This is a bad situation but I don't see any other way out.  Your wife certainly deserves better than a husband who has been cheating on her and should be free to find her soulmate as well.  You can have shared custody of your kids.  Does the OW have children with her partner?

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, jd90 said:

I am currently in therapy to talk through how I am feeling, including this situation, but don’t feel like it will ever change the situation or how I feel. 

Therapy is not intended to “change the situation or how you feel.” The intent of therapy is to help you to understand how you are feeling, to help you to analyze the situation from all angles, and to help you to formulate a plan/determine the path you want to take for the future. 

4 hours ago, jd90 said:

there are times where I feel so down about the situation and the inability to cope that I feel as if taking a drastic action such as suicide is the only way out.

Have you told your therapist this? If not, please do. You have options here, whatever happens… life goes on. Divorce/don’t divorce. Marry this other woman and live happily ever or not. Life goes on and you will find happiness. Let’s not make a permanent decision when what you are dealing with is (it doesn’t feel like it, but it really is) a temporary situation. 

4 hours ago, jd90 said:

my wife is a good person who does not deserve to be treated this way.

What your wife doesn’t deserve is a) a cheating husband and/or b) a husband who does not feel that he loves her and decides to sacrifice himself (and her) for the sake of the children. 

With some self reflection, you really need to make a decision about what YOU want for YOUR future. This other MW should not factor into the decision because you have no idea whether she will/will not chose to leave her spouse to be with you. Your children really shouldn’t factor into the decision because - they will adjust if their parents separate/divorce. People divorce every single day and you know what - the children survive. They may well thrive in the future as children do when they have two happy parents rather than one miserable and cheating parent and another stressed out and unhappy parent (she just doesn’t know it yet). Stay with her and continue this inappropriate friendship that will escalate into a full-blown affair and she will be stressed out an miserable. Free her - give her the gift of freedom and the ability to find a man who loves her the way that you think you love this other MW. While the divorce will be stressful, it will give you both a chance to find the relationship that you really want. If you put the children first and coparent well, your children will be fine. There is no shame in filing for divorce. 

But please, if you do file for divorce, take a step back from this MW because that is a dead end relationship - at this point. Unless and until she leaves her husband, she is not an option for you. And, it’s hard to know right now if the stress and desperation you are feeling is related to your marriage or the fact that you believe another man’s wife is your chosen partner. There is no happiness to be found there, I’m afraid.

Take care of yourself. 

Edited June 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You need to ask yourself if you would still want to leave your marriage even if this other woman wasn't waiting for you and if it meant you being alone for a while.

Really, you need to be alone for a while anyway. You need to take the time that ending your marriage deserves and focus on your own mental health and getting your children settled. You really don’t need the added stress of an affair and/or a new relationship that is complicated by TWO divorces at this time. If this other relationship is meant to be, it will be. And, it will take time. Lots of time.

Most definitely, this situation needs to be viewed as two separate issues. Deal with the possible end of your marriage independent of any possible relationship with this other woman.

Edited June 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Still thinking about this… If I may, if my husband was feeling so unhappy in our relationship that he was feeling suicidal, I would want him to tell me. I would be very concerned about him, and I would want to support him in making whatever decision is going to be the right decision for him. After all, this is my children's father. They need a father that is not suicidal. I would never ask a man to stay if he was truly unhappy. And, I would want to know that this is how you are feeling so that I could also them make the best decisions for myself, and my children. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, jd90 said:

My wife and I have also had several conversations about separating in the past which have not come to fruition. I feel this is down to fear on both sides about how we would cope and there is also concern from my side on a practical level of how things would work out.

What is your wife's view of the state of the marriage?   If she's also really unhappy, then it's very much time to revisit the idea of divorce.  

You say that there is concern on both sides on how the two of you would cope?  What kind of coping are you referring to?  Likewise, what practical issues seem insurmountable? 

Edited June 20, 2022 by basil67

[Will am I]

Firstly, I sympathize strongly with you. I recognize how conflicted and stressed you must be feeling, and how hard it is to share these emotions with anyone. Especially when you've been married for several years and your friendships have "merged" with your spouse's into a single social circle; in whom can you confide without risking that your wife finds out about these confidential talks?

 

Because there has been kissing and talk about leaving your respective spouses, I will label your close female friend as the OW. You may not find this classification accurate or fair (since you stopped at kissing, you may not consider yourself to be having an affair right now). But even if you did restrain yourself, the thoughts and feelings involved still make this friendship into some form of romantic relationship. 

 

You seem to have three different factors holding you back. There's a moralistic side (not wanting to be "that person" who leaves his wife and family to run off with someone else). There's feelings of love and care for your wife, thoughts about not wanting to put her through the hurt of a divorce.  And there's insecurity about leaving a familiar situation for a very unfamiliar one. I believe that these are normal things to experience. I think every man who's been in your shoes will recognize them.

 

There's different angles on this.

The first angle is the moral one. There's a lot to be said in favor of to putting the marriage first and not compromising on that. In this perspective the OW is a risk to your marriage, hence she must go. Down this line of thought: you have been taking an increasing risk with your marriage by staying in a close friendship with OW and growing even closer to her. If you choose to guard your marriage, it's better to end things fully and permanently with OW. Even the benign and friendly contact.

Another angle: what would you regret most? It is possible that you would regret a divorce, especially if the divorce would bring an extended time of conflct with your ex-wife and alienation from your children. I believe that many men do regret their divorces. But on the other side we know from research that older people generally have more regrets about what they didn't do than about the things they did do. 

A third angle would be to investigate what is wrong in your marriage and to estimate how realistic it would be to attempt to fix it. Are you and your wife simply incompatible characters? Do you strive for different and incompatible goals in the future? Did things go wrong earlier in your marriage that have left unfinished feelings of hurt and resentment? Some problems are fixed by changing the partner. Some are fixed by starting a new relationship without the burdains of the past. Many problems are not fixed by changing the partner or starting something new (because the problems are inside ourselves or in an inability to interact well on certain levels). Analyze the things that are causing you the most hurt in your marriage: in which group would they be?

 

Can you imagine yourself at the age of 60? Can you see a clear and realistic picture of yourself in that age? I sugest that you try and Imagine both scenarios. One scenario with your wife, 25 more years married, kids grown up. One scenario where you left your wife and started again with OW. Which of the two mental images brings greater feelings of regret?

[glows]

This is already so far gone with the kissing and physical/emotional intimacy with someone else. You’ve checked out and seem unable to check back into your marriage. The other woman has nothing to do with your marriage especially if it’s been on the rocks for awhile and the affair is a distraction.

Deal with your marriage and prioritize it as already mentioned. It’s doubtful you’ll be able to do this while continuing your affair. 

[NuevoYorko]

It doesn't have to be "leaving your wife for another person."  Think of it more like you're leaving your wife because you are checked out of your marriage already and unfaithful.  You don't seem inclined to do what would be necessary to rebuild your marriage, if in fact your wife would be interested in that if you were to try.

[mark clemson]

While it certainly may be true that you've developed feelings for this woman, it seems like the affair may be primarily a band aid of sorts on an unhappy marriage? Possibly for both of you.

If that's the case then you should consider whether (somewhat ironically) the affair is making it easier for you (and her?) to stay in your marriages, rather than leave.

While I'm not suggesting you divorce, you could also consider why, IF you are truly that unhappy, you didn't simply leave. Leaving is a LOT easier said than done, but it's also true that people do it every day.

You might explore with your therapist whether you "fear loneliness," perhaps due to difficult times as a young adult and/or need the "stable base" of a relationship, which is prompting you to (attempt to) monkeybranch instead of simply leaving?

This is not stuff you need to answer here or "justify" to me or anyone else, it's just food for thought for you to consider.

[Prudence V]

On 6/19/2022 at 7:54 PM, jd90 said:

I have been unhappy in my marriage for some time. Some three years ago I met somebody else

While these are two separate issues, my feeling is that they are not unrelated. When you say “for some time”, and then go on to state that “three years ago” you met someone else, I’m reading this as you were already unhappy in your marriage prior to meeting the OW. Is that a correct reading, or was it meeting the OW that made you aware of unhappiness in your marriage? 
 

People are advising you to separate the issues, which I’d agree with, but I’d also caution that you keep in mind that they are related. Your unhappiness in your marriage is no doubt magnified by contrast with how you feel about the OW; likewise, the way you feel about the OW is no doubt enhanced because of the unhappiness in your marriage. A vicious (or virtuous, depending on your position) circle, so to speak. 
 

The situation is stressing you to the point of suicidal ideation - despite therapy. You speak of

On 6/19/2022 at 7:54 PM, jd90 said:

fear on both sides about how we would cope and there is also concern from my side on a practical level of how things would work out.

yet your current situation seems far worse (if suicide appears the only escape) than the alternative of separation. 
 

My advice would be, since the current situation is clearly not sustainable - change it. Tell your BW you are so stressed and unhappy that you’re suicidal, and tell her you’re taking time out. A trial separation will give you a feel for being on your own, sharing custody etc while not committing you to the OMG what have I done! terror of a binding decision. After an agreed period (a month? A couple of months?) you can review the decision with your BW and decide whether you both want to get back together and make it work - with all that that entails - or whether to formalise the separation into something longer-term or permanent. 
 

Meantime, don’t expect your OW to jump ship and join you. She will be going through her own relationship issues and you don’t need those muddying the waters of your own decision. By all means speak to her as a friend if you need to, so that you’re not dealing with the withdrawal of two relationships at the same time, but don’t make the mistake of shunting her in as a replacement for your BW. One big change at a time, and let the dust settle so you can review it on its own merits, before the next step. 
 

You’re in your 30s so I’m guessing your kids are still young. This will require adjustment all round and might seem daunting, but certainly no worse than the alternative and at least will allow you to make an informed choice about your future. 

[Will am I]

1 minute ago, Prudence V said:

While these are two separate issues, my feeling is that they are not unrelated. When you say “for some time”, and then go on to state that “three years ago” you met someone else, I’m reading this as you were already unhappy in your marriage prior to meeting the OW. Is that a correct reading, or was it meeting the OW that made you aware of unhappiness in your marriage? 

I think that's indeed how it often goes. You feel unhappy (misunderstood, rejected, lonely) in your marriage which at one point causes you to open up to the idea of finding comfort in someone else's arms. Someone who will understand you. Maybe new friends. People who will listen to you and give you some affirmation. And maybe, just maybe, someone who will give you a crumb of romance. And because you're opening up to the concept of other women, you risk getting involved with an actual OW when you happen to come in contact with one (who's also coincidentally also open to the idea). Men with good intentions who end up doing bad things. I think it's textbook material and a common pattern in infidelity.

 

The other type of cheater seems to be the man who was never committed and has probably been cheating since day one. Men with bad intentions who do bad things because of... well because of their bad intentions of course.

 

1 minute ago, Prudence V said:

The situation is stressing you to the point of suicidal ideation - despite therapy. You speak of

yet your current situation seems far worse (if suicide appears the only escape) than the alternative of separation. 
 

My advice would be, since the current situation is clearly not sustainable - change it. Tell your BW you are so stressed and unhappy that you’re suicidal, and tell her you’re taking time out.

This is why I started my reply with these words: "Firstly, I sympathize strongly with you."

This is a story that I recognize all too well. And it's not a story about a horrible person doing horrible things. 

[S2B]

Since you really don’t want to be married to your wife - divorce her.

get that finalized and then consider formally dating the gal you’ve been interested in.

proper order - it helps - should also help you gain clarity on your priorities.