Break up & Trying to Make up? Am I just wasting my time and causing myself more pain?

[CheekyMunkey]

Hey All, 

Never thought Id be on a forum asking for advice but here I am. I think I already know the answer but I guess its always good to get a second opinion. Im 43 and my ex is 33. 

So I began dating my gf back in Sept 2021. It was going well. I think we had a good connection and we were definitely attracted to each other. We used to see each other once a week. Usually. Ultimately we were both looking for a serious relationship but it somehow just turned into a more chilled out relationship. We used to message every day etc. Ive not been very emotional with people for a long time so I guess maybe it takes me time to open up. One of the issues I see now is that we never really opened up about how we felt during the relationship. I must admit at the time I felt like I was getting bored as we just did the same stuff over and over and she didnt seem up for trying new things even though she would say she would. She also used to be up for day trips where we would both drive to random places. She didnt want to do that anymore. Im also more of a loud person and she is very reserved which kind of worked but I felt like I was like bit of a clown. I wanted something more back. 

Anyway, moving to Jan we had a brief discussion about not seeing enough progress and we both agreed with this. I must admit I haven't been in a long term relationship in a very long time ( not out of choice, its just gone that way). Some how we managed to continue until April when we ultimately broke up after having a bit of an argument. The argument was that we were going to meet on a Sunday before she flew away on Monday but she said she was going to be out with her friends for a late dinner on Saturday night. I actually asked her if she was free on Saturday and was ready to cancel meeting my friend but she said she was going to be out. A few days before she suggested I come over late on Saturday night when she comes home from her dinner (around 11pm) instead of Sunday. I said I would be out myself on Sat and wasnt sure what time Id be getting home. So lets just stick to Sunday and that she should just enjoy her night and not be in a rush to get home. It escalated and I said Ill see if I can come. She ultimately told me not to bother coming at all and that we are on different wavelengths etc and that I should want to spend time with someone even if its late at night etc. I think Im a little bi polar as when someone says dont come... I wont... Maybe I should have still messaged or met up but we didnt. She never messaged me either. So we kind of ended it there. No real discussion about feelings etc.

So we split up just before she was going to go on holiday for a week. I sent and odd message here and there just to see if she got to her holiday destination and when she got back. 

We did manage to meet up again a few weeks after she got back. It went well but I stupidly ended the evening trying to be cheeky about something and didnt realise it actually was very close to the topic that I discussed above. So that ended poorly and she was a little upset. I could still feel a connection as the rest of the day was pretty good. I wasnt sure if I should be forward so tried to respect her boundaries etc. We did spent a few hours together. I guess I wanted to know if there was still an attraction. There was...Maybe it was something we could build on. 

Anyways, I guess we message here and there. I think in the time apart I have learnt a lot about myself and understand that if I want to feel a certain connection from someone I have to open myself up to give it out. Which I dont usually do so I end up in a stalemate. I also feel like by pulling away when we were in the relationship it also made her pull away too as she was mirroring my behaviour. I just wanted to understand how she felt as we never really opened up so we did have an exchange via text. It got a little heated. She ultimately said she didnt want to continue in a relationship like that and it felt more casual so she was drawing the line. She felt like a second thought and like I didnt really care. The irony is even though I may have set this ball in motion, because she was doing the same thing as a response I thought she didnt care either so it snowballed. I felt like I learnt more about how we both felt in this message exchange and maybe it would have changed the trajectory of the relationship as we been open about it.,  She said she would like being friends. I said am I making it awkward by messaging? She said no and if she didnt want to speak to me she would just ignore me or block me. I dont know if thats a good thing? lol

I am considering moving somewhere not to far from where she lives. Not because of her but I got to like the area when we were dating. The last time we met it was about a month ago as I was going to meet my cousin who doesnt live to far from her. So we met up which is the last time I met her that I mentioned above.

So recently I had caught covid but wanted to book some viewings for property which were not to far from her.  Well within a few milesI was rebooking these from the previous weekend but I was too sick. Well within a few miles. I still tested positive during the week but thought I would message her on Saturday morning if I was negative. I was on negative on Friday and Saturday morning. So I messaged her and suggested if she was around if she wanted to meet up for a catch up. This was around 10:30am,  My viewings would be over by around 2pm and we could meet up not to far from her place as its a place I used to love to chill and look over the sea. Like a 10 minute walk from her place. It is where we met the previous time. Now I understand this was very last minute and she could just not feel like doing it. 

We had an exchange and then she literally said ' She was half asleep and was watching tv. So she wasnt going to come out'. I just reacted with ' It would have been nice to see you and have a catch up but thats cool'. I have to accept it for what it is. Did kinda hurt lol. I feel embarrassed to be honest. She really must not care if she used that as an excuse...lol...But it sounds like an honest reason OR she could have a new bf. Who knows., 

I guess deep down I want to try again which I did tell her via the text messages previously about a month ago when we had a heart to heart and she said we could be friends. But on the other hand I am getting on with my life.

Have I literally just made myself look like a desperate fool? I do feel like I have changed but I accept others may have moved on too. I actually spotted her on a dating site about 2 weeks after we broke up. As I was deleting an old inactive profile I had on there. So I guess she had probably moved on a long time ago if she was on a dating site soo soon. 

Should I just ignore trying to keep in touch with her? I mean many will say an ex is an ex for a reason etc. Also she said she wanted to be friends yet Im the one who always seems to instigate the convo. Another point is IF I wasnt going to her neighbourhood to view houses ( which is a 40-45min drive from me) I doubt she would ever make the effort to do the same. It sad because I do find her attractive but maybe Im looking at things through rose tinted glasses. As around the time we broke up I didnt feel much pain but it seems to have snowballed. I feel like she is a complex person to try and understand but something inside me just makes me feel like it could work if I had put my heart/soul into it.

Maybe Im just on a low. I keep sucking myself into this dead zone. After this last incident I dont think Im going to message her again. If she messages me then fine but Im going to move on with my life. ( he says lol)

[glows]

Yes, please move on. She has and she’s not interested in keeping in touch or seeing you. From the sounds of your dynamic/relationship, this never did take off. Your personalities were a clash and constantly at odds. May I ask if you were recently out of another relationship in 2021? I don’t know you but your behaviour suggests you were too skittish around her, didn’t take yourself too seriously or the dating aspect and she was turned off by you. 

The attraction just simply isn’t there. She’s not attracted to you. There may be some aspects she finds ok but she’s not attracted to you as a woman is attracted to man she considers a partner. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, CheekyMunkey said:

She ultimately said she didnt want to continue in a relationship like that and it felt more casual so she was drawing the line. She felt like a second thought and like I didnt really care.

Sorry this happened. let it go. Don't bother being friends or trying to reconcile. She has a point about you having one foot out the door at all times. You're incompatible. You may want someone to just casually hang out with but who doesn't want a future.

[CheekyMunkey]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Yes, please move on. She has and she’s not interested in keeping in touch or seeing you. From the sounds of your dynamic/relationship, this never did take off. Your personalities were a clash and constantly at odds. May I ask if you were recently out of another relationship in 2021? I don’t know you but your behaviour suggests you were too skittish around her, didn’t take yourself too seriously or the dating aspect and she was turned off by you. 

The attraction just simply isn’t there. She’s not attracted to you. There may be some aspects she finds ok but she’s not attracted to you as a woman is attracted to man she considers a partner. 

Shes very structured and you may even say a little cold as she was soo logical/reserved. I mean there was emotion for physical touch/intimacy and she would often say in messages 'I miss you ' etc as well as other things. Im not great at that stuff so would probably not say it as much. But overall I struggled to read her which I mentioned to her post break up. Her response was you need to ask. Where as I probably need to be told etc. For example I would always ask her if she was free and then suggest meeting rather than ' I want to see you tomorrow'. I have no idea if that means anything. 

So with regards to relationships I wasnt in one since the start of the lockdown. My last relationship ended back in Feb 2020. That lasted about 4 or so months. I sat down and looked at my history. I seem to be in a pattern of where I panic at 3 months and self sabotage. Because of this I probably stop progression and especially building an emotional connection. Because I didnt do that I pushed her away. Ironically I want that level of connection. Im obviously broken so Im trying to work on myself. Having spent a lot of time on my own Im also just not used to be around around someone for long periods of time. Im loud but also an introvert. 

The attraction must be lost now. She told me when we were together she couldnt think of anything else but me even if she was hungry. But again she never told me any of this when we were going out. It all came out after. In my head I thought she just never wanted to eat with me lol. Its basically a mish mash of soo much miscommunication and misunderstanding and it didnt help. 

As I mentioned we have exchanged messages back and forth but they are just the standard stuff. Me suggesting to meet on the weekend probably wasn't the best idea. I essentially told her if she wanted to meet up in 4hrs. Which probably isnt normal. Anyways. Her response to not coming out shows she has no interest.

 

[CheekyMunkey]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. let it go. Don't bother being friends or trying to reconcile. She has a point about you having one foot out the door at all times. You're incompatible. You may want someone to just casually hang out with but who doesn't want a future.

I actually do want a future... I think  my issue is I dont know how to evolve moving forward. I think I need someone who would kick my ass from time to time to keep me moving forward. Where as both me and her are both indecisive and she needs someone to lead which I didn't do. Even though she knows what she wants she wasn't open. 

But at this point Im hurting myself more than her. As I keep setting myself for a fall and I cant do it anymore. IF she is interested the fact that I am trying to fit her in when Im doing something else is probably not very inticing but on the flip side if shes not interested me suggesting meeting up would just be awkward too.

I just need to move on. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Don’t be selfish. Let her go.  Do not contact her anymore so she can heal.

‘You know what your issues are that caused the break up. So you need to work on yourself.  This work takes a lot of time so don’t think that you have changed.  You have not.

‘The hard truth is you hurt her.  You inflicted pain on the one person you were supposed to care for.  Once a relationship is this damaged there is no going back.  There is too much water under the bridge.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, it is best to let go. 

It sounds like she has lost interest and doesn't really want to keep in touch any longer. 

[glows]

14 hours ago, CheekyMunkey said:

Shes very structured and you may even say a little cold as she was soo logical/reserved. I mean there was emotion for physical touch/intimacy and she would often say in messages 'I miss you ' etc as well as other things. Im not great at that stuff so would probably not say it as much. But overall I struggled to read her which I mentioned to her post break up. Her response was you need to ask. Where as I probably need to be told etc. For example I would always ask her if she was free and then suggest meeting rather than ' I want to see you tomorrow'. I have no idea if that means anything. 

So with regards to relationships I wasnt in one since the start of the lockdown. My last relationship ended back in Feb 2020. That lasted about 4 or so months. I sat down and looked at my history. I seem to be in a pattern of where I panic at 3 months and self sabotage. Because of this I probably stop progression and especially building an emotional connection. Because I didnt do that I pushed her away. Ironically I want that level of connection. Im obviously broken so Im trying to work on myself. Having spent a lot of time on my own Im also just not used to be around around someone for long periods of time. Im loud but also an introvert. 

The attraction must be lost now. She told me when we were together she couldnt think of anything else but me even if she was hungry. But again she never told me any of this when we were going out. It all came out after. In my head I thought she just never wanted to eat with me lol. Its basically a mish mash of soo much miscommunication and misunderstanding and it didnt help. 

As I mentioned we have exchanged messages back and forth but they are just the standard stuff. Me suggesting to meet on the weekend probably wasn't the best idea. I essentially told her if she wanted to meet up in 4hrs. Which probably isnt normal. Anyways. Her response to not coming out shows she has no interest.

 

Could you elaborate a bit more on examples where you struggled to read her? It’s considerate to ask first if someone is free a particular day or time as opposed to demanding to see someone tomorrow as in your example. It sounds like you were pulling teeth with this woman and she was confusing. Cold and reserved does not strike me as someone ready to date. That is a person who is fearful and afraid of being vulnerable or letting someone in. It shouldn’t feel like you’re putting in all the work. 

What you characterized as you both being indecisive could also be interpreted as either incompatibilities or not enough interest in wanting to accommodate one another or work with one another. Why was she so inflexible about meeting you on the Sunday before her trip anyway?

I’m leaning towards this being hot and lovely in the first heat of romance those first few weeks and then cooling significantly after you both started knowing one another more. It’s good to reflect and learn from mistakes and how not to self-sabotage but I also don’t think she was as interested to start, not for the long term anyway.

[CheekyMunkey]

On 6/21/2022 at 7:01 AM, glows said:

Could you elaborate a bit more on examples where you struggled to read her? It’s considerate to ask first if someone is free a particular day or time as opposed to demanding to see someone tomorrow as in your example. It sounds like you were pulling teeth with this woman and she was confusing. Cold and reserved does not strike me as someone ready to date. That is a person who is fearful and afraid of being vulnerable or letting someone in. It shouldn’t feel like you’re putting in all the work. 

What you characterized as you both being indecisive could also be interpreted as either incompatibilities or not enough interest in wanting to accommodate one another or work with one another. Why was she so inflexible about meeting you on the Sunday before her trip anyway?

I’m leaning towards this being hot and lovely in the first heat of romance those first few weeks and then cooling significantly after you both started knowing one another more. It’s good to reflect and learn from mistakes and how not to self-sabotage but I also don’t think she was as interested to start, not for the long term anyway.

Thats weird. I responded to this yesterday and the response hasnt shown. 

I agree maybe just turning up and asking someone to come out over the course of a few hours isnt the right thing to do. I guess I did it because I wanted to make sure I was covid free and I didnt want it to look like I was asking her out as she is an ex now. Maybe it felt more natural as I was in the area and more of a case that if she wanted to come out she could. I did say to her that I realise it is exceptionally last minute so its understandable if she couldnt. I guess the honesty of why she couldnt come out did hurt a bit but at least she was honest. Its a weird one because she is an ex and has said she would want to be friends but then asking her out would  feel too much like a date...Maybe Im just over analysing. If I said Im coming to your area just to meet you wouldnt that be stranger?

So an example of how I struggled to understand her was she wanted to go and watch a theatre show. She asked me if I was a fan of the on stage show. I said no, not since I was a kid and I havent watched it since. A day or so later she went and bought a ticket to go and watch the show on her own. My issue was that maybe I might not be a fan but I would have still gone to watch the show with her and she didnt even ask if I wanted to come with her anyway. She literally just took it as Im not interested and didnt want to go. No discussion. Maybe again this might be from the fact that I may have been putting out negativity and she felt pushed away already so just assumed I wasnt bothered. On the flip side I was bothered but didnt say anything as I thought she wasnt bothered. Maybe she was testing me to see if I would take the lead and invite myself. She also wanted to go on holiday because she wanted to get away from work. Again, we spoke about it briefly. I did suggest back in January when we discussed the relationship not progressing that maybe we should go away somewhere to which she didnt really respond. So she wanted to get away from work as it was busy and then just booked a week away for herself which she said she had never done before. As in go away on her own. Again, I thought why would you not want to ask your SO if they want to go with you? She said she wanted to get away on her own and just recover...I think in hindsight maybe she wanted to get away and think about the relationship as well as take a break from work without me there. I could be assuming all this. It just felt like rather than just say what was the issue she wanted me to ask the questions and work it out...Which is fine but sometimes people will never ask the right questions...So you have to let them know. They can then do what they need to do to fix it.

As I mentioned earlier she basically said If I couldnt come to be with her Saturday night and stay over and hang out on Sunday I may as well not come on Sunday. She felt if I really wanted to be with her I would have come over late Saturday night to spend more time even though she knew I was going to be out myself. Again, in hindsight, I felt like this might of been her testing how much I liked her...but too me it felt like we are both out on Saturday and you want me to head on over late in the evening. I did say I would see how I would feel and I was actually exhausted on the day as I got home late. We didnt exchange any messages on Sat or Sunday as I never went. Again, some people may think I didnt care but when I get told not to do something I often just accept what they tell me to do. 

Hmmm. Regarding how much she liked me. She said afterwards that she really liked me and that she would forget/didnt want to eat because she was soo consumed when I was with her. Where as when we met up and she never wanted to eat I took it as she didnt want to eat with me lol. So communication was just messy. Maybe you are right, our communication styles were just not compatible. Maybe its more lust. When we did meet up a month ago the chemistry was still there but that could just be a reflex to not seeing each other for a month or so. 

Maybe in my head if we agreed some rules on how to open up I feel like 75% of the issues we had would probably vanish but then again I could be wearing rose tinted glasses here. Other side if I need to be more open and let others see that I can love/be emotionally connected for them to then give that back. Im not going to contact her now. I guess you always feel like you could have tried harder after the event but I guess the reality is you didnt try harder at the time. Im trying to do some self development, love myself more as I shouldnt expect others to fill that void. Lets see how it goes. I think I realise Im getting older and I really need to break out of this cycle as it will just continue otherwise. 

[CheekyMunkey]

On 6/21/2022 at 3:30 AM, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Don’t be selfish. Let her go.  Do not contact her anymore so she can heal.

‘You know what your issues are that caused the break up. So you need to work on yourself.  This work takes a lot of time so don’t think that you have changed.  You have not.

‘The hard truth is you hurt her.  You inflicted pain on the one person you were supposed to care for.  Once a relationship is this damaged there is no going back.  There is too much water under the bridge.

Yes, I get it. So I want to try and move forward. I guess in your mind you always think you can make things better if you tried again which is possible. We didnt fall out in a major way. We still liked each other at the end but ultimately if we fell out of alignment or drifted it would lead to a failure which it did. It has helped me learn a lot about myself and what I do. Im not saying I was the only person who caused this break up but maybe my mindset/attitude may have lit the touch paper and set us on a path where ultimately we kept bouncing off each other and pushing each other apart.

I wont be contacting her anymore. Let the chips lie where they fall. 

[CheekyMunkey]

On 6/21/2022 at 6:00 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, it is best to let go. 

It sounds like she has lost interest and doesn't really want to keep in touch any longer. 

I did say to her we dont need to keep in touch if its awkward. I guess nobody will say ' yes its awkward' lol. She said if she didnt want to chat or talk she would just block me. Maybe its just her coping mechanism. Truth is I'm not friends with any of my ex's because I didn't go out with them to be a friend in the first place. It was always more.

But If the door is now closed I will move on and live my life. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, CheekyMunkey said:

Thats weird. I responded to this yesterday and the response hasnt shown. 

I agree maybe just turning up and asking someone to come out over the course of a few hours isnt the right thing to do. I guess I did it because I wanted to make sure I was covid free and I didnt want it to look like I was asking her out as she is an ex now. Maybe it felt more natural as I was in the area and more of a case that if she wanted to come out she could. I did say to her that I realise it is exceptionally last minute so its understandable if she couldnt. I guess the honesty of why she couldnt come out did hurt a bit but at least she was honest. Its a weird one because she is an ex and has said she would want to be friends but then asking her out would  feel too much like a date...Maybe Im just over analysing. If I said Im coming to your area just to meet you wouldnt that be stranger?

So an example of how I struggled to understand her was she wanted to go and watch a theatre show. She asked me if I was a fan of the on stage show. I said no, not since I was a kid and I havent watched it since. A day or so later she went and bought a ticket to go and watch the show on her own. My issue was that maybe I might not be a fan but I would have still gone to watch the show with her and she didnt even ask if I wanted to come with her anyway. She literally just took it as Im not interested and didnt want to go. No discussion. Maybe again this might be from the fact that I may have been putting out negativity and she felt pushed away already so just assumed I wasnt bothered. On the flip side I was bothered but didnt say anything as I thought she wasnt bothered. Maybe she was testing me to see if I would take the lead and invite myself. She also wanted to go on holiday because she wanted to get away from work. Again, we spoke about it briefly. I did suggest back in January when we discussed the relationship not progressing that maybe we should go away somewhere to which she didnt really respond. So she wanted to get away from work as it was busy and then just booked a week away for herself which she said she had never done before. As in go away on her own. Again, I thought why would you not want to ask your SO if they want to go with you? She said she wanted to get away on her own and just recover...I think in hindsight maybe she wanted to get away and think about the relationship as well as take a break from work without me there. I could be assuming all this. It just felt like rather than just say what was the issue she wanted me to ask the questions and work it out...Which is fine but sometimes people will never ask the right questions...So you have to let them know. They can then do what they need to do to fix it.

As I mentioned earlier she basically said If I couldnt come to be with her Saturday night and stay over and hang out on Sunday I may as well not come on Sunday. She felt if I really wanted to be with her I would have come over late Saturday night to spend more time even though she knew I was going to be out myself. Again, in hindsight, I felt like this might of been her testing how much I liked her...but too me it felt like we are both out on Saturday and you want me to head on over late in the evening. I did say I would see how I would feel and I was actually exhausted on the day as I got home late. We didnt exchange any messages on Sat or Sunday as I never went. Again, some people may think I didnt care but when I get told not to do something I often just accept what they tell me to do. 

Hmmm. Regarding how much she liked me. She said afterwards that she really liked me and that she would forget/didnt want to eat because she was soo consumed when I was with her. Where as when we met up and she never wanted to eat I took it as she didnt want to eat with me lol. So communication was just messy. Maybe you are right, our communication styles were just not compatible. Maybe its more lust. When we did meet up a month ago the chemistry was still there but that could just be a reflex to not seeing each other for a month or so. 

Maybe in my head if we agreed some rules on how to open up I feel like 75% of the issues we had would probably vanish but then again I could be wearing rose tinted glasses here. Other side if I need to be more open and let others see that I can love/be emotionally connected for them to then give that back. Im not going to contact her now. I guess you always feel like you could have tried harder after the event but I guess the reality is you didnt try harder at the time. Im trying to do some self development, love myself more as I shouldnt expect others to fill that void. Lets see how it goes. I think I realise Im getting older and I really need to break out of this cycle as it will just continue otherwise. 

It’s probably in your best interests to distance yourself as you’re doing now and fade out. She’s not a friend and all this is too fresh to be friends. 

When she was vacationing on her own it’s likely she was already contemplating breaking up. It’s unusual for couples not to vacation together during the honeymoon period and you both have been dating only a few weeks, not years. 

She was inflexible about the Sat/Sun meet up before she left for her trip. Honestly this woman seems less and less likeable or even open to having someone in her life or you didn’t fill a void for her that she needed at the time either. I don’t see why getting a good night’s sleep on Sat night and spending time on Sunday is such a bad idea. You didn’t do anything wrong but I do think you’re correct about your communication together. It wasn’t so great. 

Regarding the show and not inviting you, yes, she could have invited you but she didn’t. I’ve found myself doing the same thing in a relationship when I sensed the other person being negative. The relationship is on its last legs at that point. I’m sorry you went through that. 

I think you both were very incompatible and it’s less an issue with disliking you and more an issue of not having enough in common or feeling as connected or bonded as you could have been in a relationship. You mention that you both still liked each other at the end but it wasn’t a deep attraction or compatibility that kept you both together or growing as a couple.