How to stay with cheating partner

[clouds652]

 

hi all, this is my first post on here and i just didn’t really know what else to do rather then have an outlet somewhere so thought i’d try this out. 

my boyfriend was a friend of mine at university for a good 3 years (became friends in 2016), he always fancied me and flirted etc but i never felt the same way so nothing ever happened (he never told me he liked me but everyone could tell). he then got with this girl (didn’t go to our uni)  in second year of uni (2017/2018) and they were together for about 2 years (until august 2020 i think). we remained friends whilst in our last year of uni but distanced a bit after we left in 2019 as i knew he was in a relationship and it just felt wrong knowing he liked me before haha. we met up here and there to catch up but was always casual and just a nice catch up as we were really good friends before. all of a sudden we didn’t speak for ages and he acc removed me from all socials (i assumed his gf did it, and i was right - didn’t have an issue with this tho i just stayed away). he then messaged me out of the blue in august and we planned to meet just for a friendly catch up, i didn’t know they had broken up. he told me that day they had broken up and kinda opened up to me etc. they had a toxic on and off relationship and they both weren’t happy, but it was her who broke it off finally. 

 it was a nice day and we reconnected a lot as we were such good friends in uni, i actually started to fancy him a little bit which i never really did before. at the time i was in a talking stage with one of our other friends from uni but it just broke off before me and this guy started speaking again. 

also another thing to note, the actually lived together. she also went to uni here in a different, and her roommate left the place and offered a stranger to move in with her. my bf and her were on a break at the time as she wasn’t happy, but then she asked him to move in to help her out and he did, and eventually they got back together again. they signed on for another year in that place too just before they broke up, so were stuck together. from what i heard, her friends kept trying to get them back together but he didn’t want to as he grew closer to me. 

fast forward a few months, we get closer and closer and eventually got together in october. i knew they had fully broken up and i kinda had to live with the fact that he was still living with her, i did trust him but maybe i was naive as this was my first ever relationship. i was a bit suspicious and did get upset at times cos i had doubts knowing they’re living together but he always reassured me nothing would ever happened and nothing has happened, they both do not want to be together and they’re just living together as friends. i cant lie it was very hard for me to deal with but i tried my best to because he was great i’m ngl, he loved me loads and i could see it and he was one of my closest friends for the past few years. 

as it was lockdown, she went back home to her family in another city and so he lived in the apartment by himself but would always go stay with his parents too, but i’d always find he’d kinda go back to the apartment whenever she was back? even if it was for a little bit. i hated it so much and i always asked why he’s going and he always had a reason. 

fast forward again a few months into march and at the end of march i just felt so anxious all the time, like i knew something was wrong and i just didn’t feel happy in the relationship. i would just cry myself to sleep thinking i’m the crazy one and i’m overthinking everything and he would never do anything to hurt me. he would even get very anxious at times and have anxiety attacks and would always say he doesn’t feel he’s good enough for me and that i deserve better etc and it was just so overwhelming cos i didn’t know why he was saying this? i always knew he didn’t want to tell her i was with him, as her mental health wasn’t great and it would make their living situation even more toxic and she would claim he cheated on her when they were together with me, so he just wanted to not tell her and eventually move out when the lease was up. he still cared for her as a person as she’d been through a lot but yeah it kinda bothered me that he still cared. she was sexually assaulted when they were together, by another man at a bar and he always blamed himself for it and she also blamed him too. as she went there because they got in an argument. she was traumatised after that and she kinda put it on him and blamed him saying everything bad that happened in her life was his fault, and this was always said throughout the whole relationship. he always felt guilt and didn’t because of that and was in many ways manipulated to do whatever she said to make her happy.  

turns out i was right about my gut feeling, as at the end of march she messaged me on instagram with a very long message saying she wants to talk and she doesn’t know what’s been happening and whether she’s been lied to the last 2 years and just wanted to talk girl to girl and didn’t want him to know about it. i thought she was just a jealous ex as i knew she had been at times and i knew she didn’t like me so maybe she thought i was with him whilst they were together. so initially told her we can talk but can’t promise i won’t tell him. 

she then was asking if i’m in a relationship with him right now etc and i said yeah i am since october, and she dropped a bombshell saying she’s been sleeping with him ? i was shocked. i never thought he would do this to me. she offered to call me so i left my house to call her and we spoke. he was currently sleeping in their apartment at the time and she had also left the apt to call me. we spoke for over an hour and she told me loads about how they’ve been sleeping together here and there, they do loads together etc he’s flirty with her, he sends her loads of messages saying he wants the best for her and wants her to be happy etc, sending old pics reminiscing about them. i was honestly heartbroken cos i didn’t expect this from him, he loved me so much and i just never thought he would hurt me like this, especially when he wanted me first. she told me how a few nights before she asked questions about me and he kinda opened up saying he “likes me and want to be with me” but that we’re not together ? i was shocked. and still after that, he slept with her again.  i don’t understand why either of them would sleep together after having that conversation. 

anyways, me and her spoke about loads and discussed how she always thought something was going on between me and him in uni etc and i told her nothing ever did, i never liked him in uni etc and i told her loads about our relationship too but kinda felt like she kept jumping on the bandwagon saying he did it with her too etc, like she would copy everything i said. she would say stuff like they slept together every night, which i know was impossible as she was barely in our city, she was away for 3/4 of it due to lockdown. she lied saying he would come see me and then drive home to her and take her out, which i knew was impossible too as after he would drop me home, i would facetime him the whole journey home whilst he’s driving and we would talk non stop whilst he’s home too. honestly we would be on facetime 24/7, we would sleep on facetime too and if we weren’t on facetime we’d be texting non stop. at the time i didn’t realise all this, but later on it was a bit better obvious she had exaggerated a lot of things to make it all sound worse. maybe to make me feel s***? as she never liked me and it was obvious. she also sent loads of text messages from him to her, obviously flirty and sexual and loads of lovey dovey ones and i couldn’t believe it. she also said a lot about him, how he was abusive and rude and didn’t make her happy and just a load of stuff i was shocked to hear. as he had NEVER EVER been like that with me EVER. he was one of the nicest people i knew and the softest with me, he’d never hurt me so i was just so confused. it was like she was telling me the worst ever things a girl could hear and she was just going on non stop about it. i knew he treated her amazingly so i didn’t understand what she was saying. she even said he threw her a little surprise when she came back from her parents, with a welcome back banner and balloons etc and picked her up from the station. i was so shocked and hurt by this. she said she was so happy and even slept with him after that and they had sex the whole night. 

during this phone conversation, he woke up and was messaging, and as i wasn’t replying i guess he got kinda worried as that’s unusual  and he kept calling and asking if i’m okay. he was also calling and messaging her as she wasn’t at the apartment. i couldn’t believe it. i got back home and texted him saying it’s over and i know everything and i never want to hear from him again. i wanted him out of my life and i just couldn’t believe what he’d done. he was shocked i think and didn’t expect me to say any of that. he was denying it and then as i started spilling what i knew he started owning up but was saying he never wanted to and she was in his head and she got to him and manipulated him and he didn’t know how to get out the situation. i didn’t believe a word he said at the time and i decided i wasn’t going to speak to him. he was in a very depressive state at the time and i was scared he might do something so i was still a bit worried but i didn’t want anything to do with him. she got home eventually and she was screaming at him at the door and he pulled her in as she was disturbing the neighbours. from what i heard they were screaming at each other etc and he eventually left but was definitely suicidal. he came back and she called the police on him in case he self harms but then later also said she wanted to file a restraining order due to him pulling her in the flat. he was arrested bc of this and held in a cell. he couldn’t contact me during this and tbh i was glad. i spoke to her for a few days and she told me even more and i kept getting more and more shocked, she really did sound like she hated him. but some of the things she said didn’t make sense (i didn’t realise at the time as i was hurt and upset because of him). 

her restraining order forced him to leave the apartment and live with his parents. eventually he got out and kept messaging me like crazy trying to speak to me and i wasn’t having any of it. i blocked him at one point and he kept trying to make new accounts to speak to me. i eventually agreed to meet and speak but it was horrible tbh. he was crying and i was just screaming at him non stop because of how angry i was. i didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. time went on and he kept trying with me and i kept rejecting it. i did miss him as i loved him so much and it felt weird not having him in my life. at some stage i gave in to let him speak his piece and he told me a lot. i obviously didn’t believe him at first but later on it started making sense. 

he claimed she was manipulating him and using him for sex and was keeping him there for her own benefit. due to her sexual assault, she would always make him feel guilty for what had happened and would blame him all the time saying everything wrong that’s happened in her life is his fault because of it. whenever he tried to leave, she would pull a sob story saying “oh you’re going to leave me just like everyone else, after everything you did to me” even though he did nothing and treated her so amazing. but he always blamed himself anyway because that’s what she instilled in him and gaslighted him with. whenever he would stay at his parents whilst she was here, she would message him asking him to come back and that she’s scared and doesn’t want to be alone and that he’s left her alone like everyone else etc. and he would feel as though he had to go back because of the guilt and soft spot he had. she would manipulate him into showing affection asking for a big welcome back when she comes home from her parents and would always say like oh why don’t u talk to me and ask me to give you a hug, why don’t you spend time with me etc. and she would also always initiate the sex, she would come onto him saying he’s the best she’s ever had etc and he would eventually give in as he thought it was the only way he could make her happy. he claims he was manipulated so badly in this toxic relationship and that’s why it all happened. i didn’t believe him, but then he showed me a few messages too of her saying all this. i then confronted him about the messages she sent me from him. i asked why would he be sending sexual and flirty messages to her then. he then found those messages in his phone and actually proved that those were from when they were actually together all the way back in 2019. so she had lied to me and sent old messages, claiming they were recent and basically tried to make me feel horrible and hate him even more. i didn’t know who to trust now as it was kinda making sense that she was a massive liar and she had definitely made a lot of stuff up as she clearly didn’t like me and didn’t want me to be with him either. all the lies she told me when i was so vulnerable, started to just feel so stupid as they were blatant lies and i knew they were and i could prove it. the only thing that was true is that they had slept together and he had been friendly with her, but according to him he was only nice to her as a friend and to keep her happy as he cared for her and felt guilty and was manipulated by the past. according to her they had sex every night which i knew was impossible lol. according to him it was around a handful of times, he could count on one hand. that seemed more realistic i guess as she was barely ever in that apartment due to the lockdown.  it still hurt regardless but the fact that it was exaggerated that much was awful. he had even had conversations with her previously saying he feels like she’s using him for sex and she apparently laughed. 

i was still hurt by everything and didn’t know what to believe at this point. even tho i knew a lot of stuff she said was lies and it could be proven, i was just still hurt because this could have all been avoided. he could have told me what was happening. he could have told her about me. he could have moved out. he could have been stronger. just ANYTHING. 

he had no contact with her, but had to go back to the apartment to collect his stuff. he set a time up to go eventually. i told him if he wants me to believe him, he needs to confront her about all the “lies” she told me and get it on recording so i can hear it from her too and not just him. so he did that and confronted her on a lot of stuff and it was clear that she had lied about a lot of things. he even confronted her about the sex and how he had previously told her he felt like she was using him for sex and her laughing about it, and she was quiet and didn’t respond. she went quiet on a lot of things he said and when confronted about the old text messages she sent me and the lies she told me, she said that she “thought she was protecting me and was like a guardian angel, telling me that so i’d stay away from him”. i just couldn’t believe it. i was already so vulnerable bc of being cheated on and this girl manipulated me too and made it so much worse feeding me all these lies. it was the worse time of my life. it was clear she hated me. went i actually went to confront him in person which i mentioned previously, she actually didn’t want me to go and kept asking me if i’m sure etc and that she didn’t think it was a good idea. it’s clear now why she said that as she didn’t want me to find out about her lies. but i was too angry at the time to listen to his side anyway. after he confronted her, she didn’t message me ever again, she knew she’d been caught out and she left it at that and quite frankly i hated her too now just as much as i hated him. 

i didn’t know what to believe about his manipulation story, but seeing this side of her and how manipulative she is and can be, i started to believe him a litttttle bit more. not completely, but a little bit. because i knew how much he loved me and still loves me i knew it couldn’t have been fake and that if he wasn’t in that apartment and still had ties to her, this wouldn’t have happened. it was 2 years of an extremely toxic relationship where he was forced to believe he wasn’t allowed to be happy because he was the cause of her being unhappy and being sexually assaulted and it was all his fault. so because of that, he had to give in to what she would want to make her happy. it’s a really rubbish situation but i can see how it would be possible. i really wish it wasn’t though and i wish he could have been stronger for me. 

anyways, eventually we talked a bit more and i we spoke about the things that were said and he was able to prove his innocence on a lot of the stuff. turns out she was the bad one in so many situations, she just flipped it on him when she told me so that i hate him and leave him alone lol. 

i think at one point he got so frustrated about some of the lies she told me, something to do with money i think. it really got to him as he literally went broke trying to provide for her and pay rent and do everything he can to make her happy as she was quite materialistic and she told me a lot of lies about how he didn’t pay for anything and he’s a bum and broke etc. even though he was working multiple jobs at the time just to be able to pay for stuff for her. he got quite hurt and ended up messaging her in rage asking why she’d lie about that when she knows it’s not true. she clearly got caught out lying and didn’t want to deal with it so she actually reported him to the police and got him arrested lol. it was just crazy. all he did was message her to confront her and she went and got him arrested because she knew she had lied and didn’t want to deal with the consequences and the shame of lying. 

but yeah that happened and he got out after a day ish and we spoke again and it was evident the ex wanted to ruin his life after finding out he got with me (the girl she always hated) and wanted everyone to hate him too and for me not to get back with him etc and now she didn’t want to deal with what she’s done. it all started to make a bit more sense. 

anyways idek why i’m going into so much detail haha but yeah we started speaking more and started from scratch. i found it hard to trust him and believe him now im ngl. but as we talked more and more we got closer again, and it wasn’t hard as we were such close friends for so many years now. after a few months of him trying to win me and back and build up that trust again, i eventually decided to give him another chance and we got back together in late june 2021. it felt good having him in my life again and i knew deep down he would never hurt me in that way again. esp not with her as he literally despised her now as he’d seen her true colours. 

but everything just still hurt, i would still get doubts etc and be anxious and just think about the past and just feel horrible. we’ve talked about so much to try make everything better and it has helped so much. i know he would do anything for me and how much he loves me, he was literally depressed without me in his life and he would never risk losing me again. i’ve made it very clear that i would just leave without a trace if there was even a slight glimpse of anything like that happening again, so he knows what’s at risk. 

we’ve been together now a year since we got back together and we’re actually trying to get married. well saving up for it. we’ve come such a long way and i do love him so much. things are obviously not the same as they were before and we all knew they would never go back to being the exact same. but things are still great and i know no one would love me as much as he does. he truly does show me all the time how much he loves me and i can’t fault him for that. he apologies constantly, he’s always there for me, he’s always trying to help me to be better and to get over the hurt and show me how he’ll do anything for me to keep me happy all the time. i genuinely cannot fault him on that. 

but obviously the hurt still comes back and even though i know she lied about basically everything, i sometimes just think about it all and it hurts me so much. especially the sex. because she talked about it in so much detail too (clearly to get in my head) it just bothers me so much and replays in my head and i’m just imagining all these scenarios and it gets so overwhelming at times it’s just so hard. i find myself being harsh with him and closing off sometimes or being angry for more reason because i’ve thought about the past. i know i shouldn’t but it just happens. it’s hard because when i’m not thinking about it, and we’re spending time together, things are SO good between us and i couldn’t be happier, but i guess when we’re apart and not together cos obviously we don’t live together, sometimes it comes back and i start overthinking again and it just really hurts. 

i feel like it hurts him too as i keep bringing up this time of his life which was so toxic and he has to replay it constantly in his head too and he relives the guilt and everything as well. he’s always there to support me and get through these tough times and never gets angry about me bringing it up no matter how hard it is. but idk these thoughts just eat me up inside sometimes and idk what to do to make it better. because i want to be with him because i do genuinely love him too. he gets along so well with my siblings and i never have a boring moment with him. he’s the only person i can speak to without getting bored. we literally know everything and anything about each other and he does feel like my soulmate because of how close and alike we are. 

i’m just really struggling with these thoughts coming back from time to time and because of them i can go cold and start arguments about the past when i shouldn’t and it’s just horrible cos i wish i didn’t constantly do this and think of the past and compare myself with her even tho i know it wasn’t like that. 

idk what i wanted from this post, but i guess some advice or some words maybe that anyone thinks may help or if anyones been in a similar situation. or maybe also if you think he should even have been given another chance? is it possible he was manipulated by his ex like this?

anything you guys think may help i’d really really appreciate it 

thank you so much

[smackie9]

wow this guy is a real peach. Can you really blame the ex gf for being jealous? This guy has you both manipulated and lied to. You both been played by him. He's a serial cheater/liar. He needs to be cut out of your life. I know long posts like yours means heavily emotionally invested. I suggest you ditch the guy and seek out professional counseling. Your head and heart is a mess. 

Edited June 20, 2022 by smackie9

[BaileyB]

The better question is WHY would you stay with a cheating partner. 

Please do not marry this man. This is way too much drama and he is not a healthy partner for you. 

Edited June 20, 2022 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

I couldn't stay with you through all the dramatic details.  Sorry.  But I didn't need to.  The guy is not trustworthy and this relationship is completely dysfunctional.  Please do not go any further with it.  

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy is horrible. And you have been played. 

Plain and simple. There is no saving this, and you will absolutely regret it if you stay. He will hurt you again and again. 

[stillafool]

I'm sorry OP I couldn't read all of that text but I have to tell you when someone tells you a guy likes you but he's too shy to act on it, and then the guy gets in a relationship with another girl, he's not too shy it was really her that he wanted.  Friends need to mind their business sometimes.