Foreign relatives tickets and baby abandoned on Christmas

[kaychan]

Hello, just want clarity on if I am right or wrong here.....My partner's family lives in France, he saw them last year in the summer for an entire month. During Covid his brother has been living in Australia so he did not go back to visit for two years to his parents in France. This Christmas they decided to plan a holiday meeting at Christmas. I received a text from my partner that said "we should/will buy our tickets in August for France". I was confused. I had asked him about going to France already possibly for Christmas months before and he said no I can't I will be to busy then, one because he has a PHD end date around December and two because he planned to take a holiday a long one in February. So he had told me "no I have to plan my PHD defense and I don't know if I will have time to go to France". So that was when I asked him right. Now later his mom and his brother decide he should go and he decides I will go and doesn't talk to me about it. 

It gets better- I am pregnant with our/my first child. This is due November first. I might have to have a C-section possibly, not sure yet. The there is the ticket fee, so he will not help with the ticket to France, and I am going to be on less money during maternity leave. He does not help me with my rent or any groceries at all. Even though I am pregnant. Very rarely he might buy me a burger. But he doesn't make sure i have food in my fridge or bring over any. He doesn't live with me, he also used his PHD as an excuse for that too. So fine I almost never mentioned anything about that. But then this guy thinks he can also plan a trip on Christmas, when our child will be just alive only a month or two, without consulting me first? 

I asked his mother about it because I was really confused, and she said that it will be her birthday and doesn't the government provide some money for kids, and also that she would feed me while I was there. I did ask her nicely, why no one really asked me first since there are details to think about, and she agreed that the child will need a passport. Another detail. 

I asked him, why he did not speak to me first and all he said was what's your problem, I don't want to be distanced form my family, and why cant you go, the baby doesn't care where it is. I mentioned the fact that I did just buy a car and I will be on maternity leave lower pay. He said the car was a bad idea and talked down to me about the car purchase, and he said that it is my fault for making bad decisions with my money. 

I bought a car because I felt unsupported by him, and it was a bit of an impulse purchase but I thought the kid will need a car. So I have these lease payments to think about. He also said that I don't pay for his rent or groceries so what's my problem. I replied "are you pregnant"? 

So you get the energy he is very immature and totally disrespectful. But in terms of the ticket, is it fair to feel that he should pay half of it? He wont of course. But it is his family they live very far away and I am on maternity leave lower money. I had offered to pay one way for his ticket to see my sister, but he never bothered to go see my sister because he said his PHD was busy (of course).

Also am I crazy or is it totally weird to assume that the newborn could go on a plane, and if he cant fly to leave your son on his first Christmas? Also am I crazy or is it not normal to speak to your girlfriend first before making any plans at all? Then if I have a C-section he would not think I might need him here to help with his kid? I get the whole family thing of course but for me my own child is the priority over any other.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kaychan said:

He does not help me with my rent or any groceries at all. Even though I am pregnant. Very rarely he might buy me a burger. But he doesn't make sure i have food in my fridge or bring over any. He doesn't live with me.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Who do you live with? Who does he live with? Was the child planned together? He doesn't seem interested in being a family. After the child is born he will have to pay child support, although if he is a student it may not be much.

If you are not married or living together he is not responsible for your housing, food or other costs. How long of a flight is it to his family in France? Ask your doctor if taking an infant on the trip is wise. 

[stillafool]

I think if I were you I would opt out of the trip and stay home with my newborn.  It seems too much of a burden on you to go. The weather will be cold and it's best the baby stay home since it will only be a month old, if that; and you'd still be healing.

Edited June 20, 2022 by stillafool

[kaychan]

I think you missed my point though I’m not asking him to pay for my rent or the car, I’m saying if you know that even a friend is going on maternity leave and they have a newborn and a car just added to the bills I would not assume they can afford a $1000 ticket to France. Length of flight I think it is at least 8 hours. 
 

also I don’t think it matters if he wants a family you take responsibility for your actions but sure it explains why he is so immature.

the thing is yeah I thought it was so weird he didn’t move in with me (I have a large apartment) or plan to because it is cheaper for us both anyways. 
 

but yeah certainly he may not be responsible for my bills, I do however think he should bring food over or offer to buy food, that is really a small amount of help and a kind gesture. 
 

he knows I have money because I have a good job so I think he just had this idea that I should pay for everything but he last month spent hundreds of dollars on a concert event and a PS4. So I know he has money. 
@wiseman2

Edited June 20, 2022 by kaychan

[kaychan]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Who do you live with? Who does he live with? Was the child planned together? He doesn't seem interested in being a family. After the child is born he will have to pay child support, although if he is a student it may not be much.

If you are not married or living together he is not responsible for your housing, food or other costs. How long of a flight is it to his family in France? Ask your doctor if taking an infant on the trip is wise. 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, kaychan said:

 I don’t think it matters if he wants a family you take responsibility for your actions. I do however think he should bring food over or offer to buy food

He will be responsible for child support as soon as the child is born. Correct, it doesn't matter that he doesn't want to be a family with you, when you petition for child support on behalf of the child, he will be ordered to support the child.

He seems completely checked out so in effect you are a single mother. How long were you dating before the preganacy occurred?

Stop allowing him to come to your place. He may have money for luxuries, but he chooses to spend on himself because he is not on board with living together or being a family. Do what is best for you and the safety of the pregnancy and newborn. 

[stillafool]

If he's so cheap that he doesn't want to spend any of his money you should be thankful he doesn't want to move in with you.  You would have 2 babies to take care of rather than one.  To make sure he pays his share for the baby, file for child support.   Even though you have a good job he still has to pay his fair share.  I also agree if he isn't living with you he is not responsible to put food in your house.  You said you have a good job so I assume you aren't going hungry.  He has no interest in being a family man so other than what little he can pay in child support I think you're pretty much on your own.  I agree it was thoughtless of him to expect you to spend $1,000 to go to France when you are a soon to be single mom with other expenses to pay.  Definitely stop him from coming over and eating you out of house and home for free.

Edited June 20, 2022 by stillafool

[kaychan]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

He will be responsible for child support as soon as the child is born. Correct, it doesn't matter that he doesn't want to be a family with you, when you petition for child support on behalf of the child, he will be ordered to support the child.

He seems completely checked out so in effect you are a single mother. How long were you dating before the preganacy occurred?

Stop allowing him to come to your place. He may have money for luxuries, but he chooses to spend on himself because he is not on board with living together or being a family. Do what is best for you and the safety of the pregnancy and newborn. 

Well he and I are “dating” though, I mean I didn’t think about breaking up with him until this week. The fact that he didn’t ask me about the trip was a big red flag. And last week I went to visit him and he had eaten at 5pm with a friend but knew we were meeting at 7pm for a “date” needless to say I also drive that day from way out of town also it took me 1.5 hours to get there, plus his apartment does not allow dogs so I had to pay to board my dog for $45, the gas cost $30. 
we were at a street festival and I was starving it was dinner time and I asked him to buy me something at a food truck he bought me a bottle of water and told me to “get my own food”. Later he did buy a meal for us together, at like 10-11pm. 
his reasoning was that he was not hungry and he would only pay if we eat together and there is no reason he should buy me any food I can buy it myself. Ok 👌🏻 but in this case it was his choice to eat dinner at 5pm, he knew we were meeting at a regular “date” time. It just seemed ok given the money I spent to go see him that he would pay for a $8 hotdog. Understanding he wasn’t hungry but still. 
 

so after this I did funny enough on Father’s Day try to phone him to speak about things but he was to busy at the expensive event he went to so he didn’t reply.

i told him I might look into adoption and giving the kid away and that for now I rather we don’t speak. 
I think adoption never crossed my mind until he didn’t want to pay for an $8 hotdog but expects me to pay $1000 to go see his family. 
and even still I would not get so upset about the ticket if he had the respect to speak to me about that first before talking to his mother and telling her “we” would go. Basically “he” would go because also at the street festival he said he would be in France for Christmas. 
 

honestly it’s like he has two faces. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, kaychan said:

And last week I went to visit him and he had eaten at 5pm with a friend but knew we were meeting at 7pm for a “date” needless to say I also drive that day from way out of town also it took me 1.5 hours to get there, plus his apartment does not allow dogs so I had to pay to board my dog for $45, the gas cost $30. 
we were at a street festival and I was starving it was dinner time and I asked him to buy me something at a food truck he bought me a bottle of water and told me to “get my own food”. Later he did buy a meal for us together, at like 10-11pm. 

Do not spend your money to go see him if you are going to resent him for it later.  You are pregnant and know you need to eat so you should have bought yourself food instead of starving until 10-11 pm.  It's clear this guy is not that into you by the way he treats you and I doubt he wants to be a father or he would have made sure his baby was fed.  If you want to put the baby up for adoption that is your choice but don't threaten him with adoption because he probably doesn't care because that will make his life easier.

[kaychan]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Do not spend your money to go see him if you are going to resent him for it later.  You are pregnant and know you need to eat so you should have bought yourself food instead of starving until 10-11 pm.  It's clear this guy is not that into you by the way he treats you and I doubt he wants to be a father or he would have made sure his baby was fed.  If you want to put the baby up for adoption that is your choice but don't threaten him with adoption because he probably doesn't care because that will make his life easier.

It wasn’t a threat, actually a realization that I don’t think he is supportive and it probably is best the kid has two parents. I think as he knows the baby exists it was only right to inform him it’s a good option. 
Also I thought the same, if he doesn’t want a kid and doesn’t want to take care of me because as you said he isn’t that into me, best we have no child to deal with that way we have no reason to talk. 
i think you are right I should have just bought some food but when he is not supportive I get depressed and lose my appetite. 

[stillafool]

51 minutes ago, kaychan said:

i think you are right I should have just bought some food but when he is not supportive I get depressed and lose my appetite. 

That is certainly understandable as your hormones are fluxuating which amps up your emotions.  If you don't eat you'll feel sick.  I'm sorry you're going through this with such an unsupportive man.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, kaychan said:

also I don’t think it matters if he wants a family you take responsibility for your actions but sure it explains why he is so immature.

Was this baby planned and wanted by both of you?  If so, did you discuss how this would affect your lives prior to conception?   Thing is, whether or not one wants a family matters a great deal.   Having a child involves great sacrifices in terms of how it changes your life - but a person who doesn't want a child simply won't be prepared to make those sacrifices.   About the only responsibility which he must do is pay child support from birth to 18yo.  

Honestly, I think this trip to France is the least of your problems.  The bigger problem is that you are having a baby and appear to want to create a family with a guy who doesn't want a family unit with you.  

 

Edited June 21, 2022 by basil67

[SingFish]

2 hours ago, kaychan said:

i told him I might look into adoption and giving the kid away and that for now I rather we don’t speak. 
I think adoption never crossed my mind until he didn’t want to pay for an $8 hotdog

Really? Giving a baby up for adoption is a huge step. You are bouncing around a bit with this! 

You can't change your partner so either accept him as he is or end the relationship. You will still need to talk about money and parental responsibilities. Or write him off as a father and do it on your own. 

I would not take a newborn on an airplane. You'll just be adapting to your new life together and don't need an audience. Most new mothers are tired and nursing and adjusting. You are allowed to say no, it's not practical.

Also once his family see the new baby you will be setting the precedent of dropping everything to fly there when they want to see her/him. They can come to you. 

If you keep this baby you are right he/she will be the priority for many years. 

[Noproblem]

Being a mother have nothing to do with having a good father. 
You don't give away your kids just because your partner doesn't support you or is stingy.

You just leave that partner and get another job to support your kid.

Unless you don't want raise the kid on your own and want to be kid free, then yeah adoption is a good thing as the kid might end up with a loving mom and dad. 

 

[ShyViolet]

Don't go on this ridiculous trip.  And you should seriously reconsider continuing this relationship with him at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, kaychan said:

He doesn't live with me, he also used his PHD as an excuse for that too. So fine I almost never mentioned anything about that

May I ask why? You two are expecting a child together and he sounds like he doesn't care and isn't interested in you or the baby. Has it always been like this, with him being detached and disengaged with you? 

12 hours ago, kaychan said:

But then this guy thinks he can also plan a trip on Christmas, when our child will be just alive only a month or two, without consulting me first? 

I don't find this surprising, given his overall dismissive attitude toward you.  It doesn't appear he considers you a team, or is looking forward to becoming a family. I have to ask, was this child planned? What was his reaction to the pregnancy? 

 

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think this trip to France is the least of your problems.  The bigger problem is that you are having a baby and appear to want to create a family with a guy who doesn't want a family unit with you.  

I couldn't agree more. I think you really need to ask yourself what the future looks like here, OP, because it sounds like you're going to be raising this baby mostly by yourself. He isn't into it. 

[Will am I]

I agree very much with what was written above. 

There seems to be a lot of confusion about the nature of the relationship (and hence the responsibilities of the two partners).

What I read is that OP expects her partner to take care of her and their baby. OP's partner seems to prefer a more independent type of relationship. How often do we have these assumptions about how relationships should work. But OP and her partner come from different backgrounds (if only different relations between their respective parents) so the assumptions could differ.

Work this out with your partner OP. Drop the assumptions and speak openly about how you would like your relationship to be. 

 

About the trip: if you're due date is Nov 1, I would not go on an airplane trip with your baby before Christmas. New mothers should get at least 6 to 10 weeks of home rest. If by that time you're feeling well and ready to fly, awesome. But it's impossible to predict in advance how you will feel around mid December and there should not be the pressure of a planned airplane trip on your shoulders. I belive that your partner and his family are asking too much here.

[basil67]

Sorry, I should have been clear in agreement that your partner and family are expecting too much of you with regards to travelling at Christmas.  I guess I got lost in the all the other issues going on in your relationship.

I agree that you need to sit down with the father and talk about how this is going to work.  You've described him both as "partner" and "dating" and we don't know if the baby was planned, so it's unclear how involved he is or wants to be.  At this stage, it's not looking good though.   If he's not going to be an engaged father, do be prepared that he may go on this trip without you.  

Do you have any other support network?  

Edited June 21, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, kaychan said:

I think adoption never crossed my mind until he didn’t want to pay for an $8 hotdog . 

How long were you dating when the pregnancy occurred? He does not seem to want to be involved with that.

You're correct, he does not owe you anything including taking care of you or paying for your meals.

Stop wasting your time and money on him, including gas, pet boarding, or other unnessary expenses. Do not invite him over or entertain him.

 

 

[Will am I]

Let me structure my thoughts a little better.

1. You urgently need to have a talk about your relationship and both of you should vocalize what you expect from the relationship and you expect from your partner.

2. I think you want (and also need) much more from your partner than he is currently willing to give. The gap seems very large. Either he totally changes his mentality, or this will be grounds for ending the relationship.

3. When it comes to mentality:

11 hours ago, kaychan said:

his reasoning was that he was not hungry and he would only pay if we eat together and there is no reason he should buy me any food I can buy it myself. Ok 👌🏻 but in this case it was his choice to eat dinner at 5pm, he knew we were meeting at a regular “date” time. It just seemed ok given the money I spent to go see him that he would pay for a $8 hotdog. Understanding he wasn’t hungry but still. 

My ears are ringing in disbelief. You deserve better than this. Any woman in a romantic relationship deserves to be treated better than this. You even more so, because you're carrying his baby. You should be treated like a princess for that.

4. What if his mentality doesn't change drastically? You will need to make a tough choice. A choice where one alternative is to be in a committed long term relationship with a partner who doesn't understand your needs or doesn't care enough to meet your needs. And the other alternative is to go through first time pregnacy and new motherhood without a life partner by your side. Both alternatives sound frightening and heartbeaking to me.

5. Investigate your options and support network around the idea of being a single mom. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Do they live nearby? Is there a sister or close friend who would commit to helping you? Are you entitled to nursing and housekeeping support as a new mother? Are you entitled to day care for the baby? Is your work schedule flexible? Would your employer be understanding if you need a little bit more flexibility?

6. Don't book these airline tickets for a trip that's supposed to be about 7 weeks after giving birth.

Do you need reasons?

  (a) It's probably too soon for a new mother and a baby to be flying

  (b) the exact date of giving birth, the possibility of complications in delivery and your speed of recovery are unsure

  (c) there may be a C-section. Recovery from that is typically much slower than recovery from vaginal delivery

  (d) you don't know about the baby yet and also your energy level may be very low

  (e) you'd better keep the money for baby supplies, since your partner does not seem very willing to contribute

  (f) you'd spend all this effort, time and money to be with the family of a man with whom the future of the relationship is not even sure yet.

  

[kaychan]

4 hours ago, Will am I said:

Let me structure my thoughts a little better.

1. You urgently need to have a talk about your relationship and both of you should vocalize what you expect from the relationship and you expect from your partner.

2. I think you want (and also need) much more from your partner than he is currently willing to give. The gap seems very large. Either he totally changes his mentality, or this will be grounds for ending the relationship.

3. When it comes to mentality:

My ears are ringing in disbelief. You deserve better than this. Any woman in a romantic relationship deserves to be treated better than this. You even more so, because you're carrying his baby. You should be treated like a princess for that.

4. What if his mentality doesn't change drastically? You will need to make a tough choice. A choice where one alternative is to be in a committed long term relationship with a partner who doesn't understand your needs or doesn't care enough to meet your needs. And the other alternative is to go through first time pregnacy and new motherhood without a life partner by your side. Both alternatives sound frightening and heartbeaking to me.

5. Investigate your options and support network around the idea of being a single mom. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Do they live nearby? Is there a sister or close friend who would commit to helping you? Are you entitled to nursing and housekeeping support as a new mother? Are you entitled to day care for the baby? Is your work schedule flexible? Would your employer be understanding if you need a little bit more flexibility?

6. Don't book these airline tickets for a trip that's supposed to be about 7 weeks after giving birth.

Do you need reasons?

  (a) It's probably too soon for a new mother and a baby to be flying

  (b) the exact date of giving birth, the possibility of complications in delivery and your speed of recovery are unsure

  (c) there may be a C-section. Recovery from that is typically much slower than recovery from vaginal delivery

  (d) you don't know about the baby yet and also your energy level may be very low

  (e) you'd better keep the money for baby supplies, since your partner does not seem very willing to contribute

  (f) you'd spend all this effort, time and money to be with the family of a man with whom the future of the relationship is not even sure yet.

  

I agree about the C-section, he has said that “because I have wide hips I won’t have one” smart medical non fact there! But I have confirmed uterine fibroids which makes this a risk. 
 

We have been dating for two years and no our baby was not planned. (Thought that was sort of obvious based on his attitude) he is very immature but he is thirty years old. 
 

so his mother told him I’m manipulative as well because I shared with her I might not be able to afford to go. Their family seems really ignorant and uncaring to anyone outside their main group and now I feel like if I say no I will be the bad guy here. 
 

I think I will just tell them I can not afford the ticket which I do not think they can argue about really if you don’t have the money well then you don’t. 
his mother had written to me that doesn’t the government help with children and honestly that is the most stupid thing I ever heard because I doubt that money comes immediately. That was in her response to me saying I am not sure I can afford a ticket that expensive. Around Christmas I think it is about $1000 and yes the weather will be terrible then. 
 

but of course his brother will be there and none of her kids live in that city so I understand why it’s important to them it is also her birthday she is turning 60.

but my birthday is also in the same month and I know 60 is some deal but not really. 
 

I don’t know 

[stillafool]

Do you actually want to go with him over there right after having a baby?  Why are you putting yourself through this when he barely does anything for you and your baby?

[stillafool]

34 minutes ago, kaychan said:

so his mother told him I’m manipulative as well because I shared with her I might not be able to afford to go. Their family seems really ignorant and uncaring to anyone outside their main group and now I feel like if I say no I will be the bad guy here. 
 

 

35 minutes ago, kaychan said:

his mother had written to me that doesn’t the government help with children and honestly that is the most stupid thing I ever heard because I doubt that money comes immediately.

His mother isn't very nice to you either I see.  So why visit her?  Also she's making you aware of Welfare money you can get to help support your child.  She's already trying to figure out way for her son to abandon you.  There really isn't a waitiing period for an unwed mother with a baby in tow to get money and food but that is his responsibility.  Plus if you have a good job that pays well your help will be limited.

[vla1120]

54 minutes ago, kaychan said:

Their family seems really ignorant and uncaring to anyone outside their main group and now I feel like if I say no I will be the bad guy here. 

You shouldn't care what they think of you. I haven't finished reading the entire thread just yet, but my initial thoughts are - number one - this baby will now (and forever) become your very first priority in life. If he doesn't feel the same, then kick him to the curb (but file for child support.) Number two - you are right, he is very self-centered and may be a bit resentful of the pregnancy because it was not planned and he is not ready to be a father. You have to be prepared to raise this child on your own or put your baby up for adoption, if that is what you decide to do, but you already know you cannot rely on him for anything. 

I know one thing. I wouldn't take a newborn on such a long, involved trip. Stay home for Christmas, where you can bond with your baby in the comfort of your own home. Would you really want a room full of people trying to pass your baby around, anyways? Stay home, mommy. That's what would be best for your baby.

[Will am I]

3 hours ago, kaychan said:

…

I don’t know 

I think you do know, deep inside.

But there’s a lot of consequences ro your decisions and you need a bit of time to digest.