Foreign relatives tickets and baby abandoned on Christmas

[kaychan]

On 6/21/2022 at 11:06 AM, vla1120 said:

You shouldn't care what they think of you. I haven't finished reading the entire thread just yet, but my initial thoughts are - number one - this baby will now (and forever) become your very first priority in life. If he doesn't feel the same, then kick him to the curb (but file for child support.) Number two - you are right, he is very self-centered and may be a bit resentful of the pregnancy because it was not planned and he is not ready to be a father. You have to be prepared to raise this child on your own or put your baby up for adoption, if that is what you decide to do, but you already know you cannot rely on him for anything. 

I know one thing. I wouldn't take a newborn on such a long, involved trip. Stay home for Christmas, where you can bond with your baby in the comfort of your own home. Would you really want a room full of people trying to pass your baby around, anyways? Stay home, mommy. That's what would be best for your baby.

True true, well I reached out to her, which I realize now was not a good idea. All they want to hear is “good news” and if there is any reality it’s me being to negative. Planning for the event of a possible cesarean birth is me being to negative 😂 

I agree with you, no I don’t want to travel after giving birth. I also read that newborns have no immune systems and besides that there is a passport backlog right now so you can not even get a passport possibly. For the baby not for me. It seems risky for me to purchase a ticket and not know if I can get the baby’s passport in time. 
 

I decided to tell them that I will not buy a ticket, I will try to get the baby’s passport but until it arrives I won’t buy a ticket. Then I’ll see how much a last minute ticket will cost. 
if it costs to much I won’t go. 
Also I will wait until I see how I feel. They said I am manipulative and negative for being practical but what I should have been was more firm in my decisions.

I was just surprised because I never had a kid before, his mother had two kids, so I just thought she would be more understanding about putting the newborn at risk and possibly separating the baby from his dad for Christmas. But I do know they are not obviously that considerate for the baby because I think for them it’s not a part of their “group” yet. 
 

I am hopeful once they see the baby maybe they might start to be more considerate.

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, kaychan said:

I am hopeful once they see the baby maybe they might start to be more considerate.

So you're going to put your baby's health at risk for people who could care less about either of you; and that includes him.  What is YOUR purpose in this?  Are you trying to get him to marry you and use the baby to lure them in?  I'm not judging you if you are I'm just trying to understand why you are going.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, kaychan said:

so I just thought she would be more understanding about putting the newborn at risk and possibly separating the baby from his dad for Christmas.

You aren't the one separating the baby from his Dad on it's first Christmas, he is.  It's clear that you nor the baby are a priority to him, he simply doesn't care even enough to chip in a few dollars towards airfare.   Why are you making him and his family your priority?

Edited June 28, 2022 by stillafool

[SingFish]

2 hours ago, kaychan said:

But I do know they are not obviously that considerate for the baby because I think for them it’s not a part of their “group” yet. 
 

I am hopeful once they see the baby maybe they might start to be more considerate.

You are not part of their group and babies win people over pretty quickly. What if they attach and decide it's a better idea for the dad to raise the baby in France with their family? 

You seem unable to assert yourself. 

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, kaychan said:

I was just surprised because I never had a kid before, his mother had two kids, so I just thought she would be more understanding about putting the newborn at risk and possibly separating the baby from his dad for Christmas. But I do know they are not obviously that considerate for the baby because I think for them it’s not a part of their “group” yet. 

While I'm firmly in the camp of resting up at home with a new baby, there are others who don't change their lives and have the baby fit in with them.  If this is what the mother was like, she won't understand your desire to rest at home....just as you don't understand her perspective. 

Personally, I don't know why you're considering going at all.  The family is rude, your boyfriend isn't enamored with the idea of being a father and the relationship isn't meeting your needs.  You'd be better off making a clean break.

Do you have support from your own family?

Edited June 28, 2022 by basil67

[kaychan]

On 6/28/2022 at 10:27 AM, SingFish said:

You are not part of their group and babies win people over pretty quickly. What if they attach and decide it's a better idea for the dad to raise the baby in France with their family? 

You seem unable to assert yourself. 

 

Ha ha well first that would be kidnapping since my son is a Canadian. 
i think I assert myself more than I should actually. [ ] 

Edited August 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[basil67]

5 hours ago, kaychan said:

Ha ha well first that would be kidnapping since my son is a Canadian. 
 

It's not kidnapping if you believe it would be best for your baby to be raised by them. 

Kindly, you were previously talking about putting your baby up for adoption.   If you're still of this mind and the father's family are keen to raise the baby, it's not a bad option. 

[BaileyB]

On 6/20/2022 at 8:03 PM, basil67 said:

Honestly, I think this trip to France is the least of your problems.  The bigger problem is that you are having a baby and appear to want to create a family with a guy who doesn't want a family unit with you.  

This is exactly what I was thinking as I read your post. Why are you having a child with a man who does not want to be a partner to you and create a family for your child? 

Personally, I think I would end the relationship and focus on negotiating a coparenting plan in anticipation of the child’s birth. In no way am I travelling oversees one month after delivering a baby. 

[stillafool]

45 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is exactly what I was thinking as I read your post. Why are you having a child with a man who does not want to be a partner to you and create a family for your child? 

Personally, I think I would end the relationship and focus on negotiating a coparenting plan in anticipation of the child’s birth. In no way am I travelling oversees one month after delivering a baby. 

Especially at that time of year (the cold weather) and with Covid and Monkey Pox out there I would think of my babies health first and tell them to have a nice Christmas or say nothing at all.  He obviously doesn't care if you don't come so why put your baby at risk for these people?  What is the purpose exactly?

[stillafool]

48 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Personally, I think I would end the relationship and focus on negotiating a coparenting plan in anticipation of the child’s birth.

The father nor his mother seem interested in a coparenting plan either, with her mentioning walfare instead of telling her son to support you.  They don't seem to care about the child nor you.  You'll probably have to haul him into court kicking and screaming.  He certainly isn't a prize.

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, kaychan said:

Ha ha well first that would be kidnapping since my son is a Canadian. 
i think I assert myself more than I should actually. [ ] 

I also think since that is also his baby it is not kidnapping and you have told him you're considering adoption, so.......  I think what they mean by "assertion" is your not telling them all you will not risk your baby's life by having it on an 8 hour flight to another country when it's barely a month old.  What is so important that you need to be there?  His mother only cares that her children are there for her b-day, she doesn't care about you.

Edited August 29, 2022 by stillafool

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I also think since that is also his baby it is not kidnapping

In Canada, one parent is required to have in their possession a letter written and signed by the other parent when travelling with a child. If he was to take his child without her consent or decide to stay without her consent, it would be considered “kidnapping” - or whatever the legal term would be. 

My brother just travelled with his child and he was shocked to learn that this was required. I have another friend who legally adopted her husband’s child (the child’s mother has passed away), and they always have a letter but she still gets hassled. 

Edited August 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

On 6/20/2022 at 11:15 AM, kaychan said:

doesn't the government provide some money for kids

Again, in Canada this wouldn’t be “welfare,” the government does pay parents what is called a “Canada child benefit.” 

She will also be entitled to child support once the child is born. 

On 6/20/2022 at 11:15 AM, kaychan said:

I bought a car because I felt unsupported by him, and it was a bit of an impulse purchase but I thought the kid will need a car. So I have these lease payments to think about.

This is the strangest thing for me. First, that’s a heck of an “impulse purchase.” Second, this sounds to me like a woman who wanted a car and is using the child to justify the lease of a car. In what way does a “kid need a car?” You do realize that you will be house bound with the child for most of the winter, so you not? And then, there is the fact that your income will be reduced while you are on maternity leave and your expenses will rise as the new baby will require many things - it seems an odd decision to lease a car at this time in life. Particularly when you are expecting your boyfriend to pay (part or) your rent and groceries… 

[stillafool]

Oh 

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

In Canada, one parent is required to have a left written and signed by the other parent when travelling with a child. If he was to take his child without her consent or decide to stay without her consent, it would be considered “kidnapping” - or whatever the legal term would be. 

I wasn't aware of this Canadian rule.  Still OP, if you are considering giving the baby up for adoption it would be better to be with blood family than someone else.  But, it's doubtful his parents would want to start over raising a small child at 60. 

The baby's father only seems interested in getting his PHd and living a life of a happy bachelor before he finally settles down.  30 is not that old for a man, but certainly old enough to know to use a condom.

[Will am I]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

In what way does a “kid need a car?” You do realize that you will be house bound with the child for most of the winter, so you not? And then, there is the fact that your income will be reduced while you are on maternity leave and your expenses will rise as the new baby will require many things - it seems an odd decision to lease a car at this time in life. Particularly when you are expecting your boyfriend to pay (part or) your rent and groceries… 

Kids usually don't need cars. New moms do. If only for the idea of not being stuck at home with a baby. 

[BaileyB]

Parental abduction - that is the legal term. Coincidentally, there is an article in the news this morning about a mother facing charges for parental abduction. 

[Els]

The trip to France is the least of your worries. Why on earth would you have a child with a man whom you're not living with, has no plans to live with or form any kind of family unit with you, has no financial plans in place to support his child, and is clearly quite unwilling to actually step up to be a father?

I think it's very clear to all of us what is going to happen. He's going to carry on living like a single and childfree man, while you will be the sole parent to the child - regardless of whether or not you continue to "date" each other. This also means that he will travel whenever he wants to, he won't offer any support with your pregnancy or birth, and he probably won't be involved in the care of the child.

I suggest you make plans to have someone else come over to support you with your birth, and to file for child support after the child is born. Then at least he will be forced to contribute financially, even though he will not contribute any other way.

And this goes without saying... but obviously, do not spend a single penny of your money on him or on what he wants, at this point. And yes, don't go to France.

[Will am I]

I forgot to ask @kaychan. How is your pregnancy going? You must be at 7 months now.

And did you manage to arrange support from your family and friends around the final weeks of pregnancy, giving birth and the period thereafter? 

[Lisa]

Thread closed at OP's request