Jealously. is it fear or intuition ?

[Anxiousangela]

Can someone give me some advice on how to differentiate between anxiety and intuition in terms of jealousy? I find myself extremely jealous in my current relationship,  but don’t really have a reason to be. I’m generally a pretty anxious person so it maybe this heightened anxiety about life in general that I have is seeping into my relationship. I’m so stressed and need some advice on how to not be jealous as well as how to deal with this uneasy feeling in my relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Anxiousangela said:

I find myself extremely jealous in my current relationship,  but don’t really have a reason to be. I’m so stressed and need some advice on how to not be jealous as well as how to deal with this uneasy feeling in my relationship. 

How long have you been dating? How old is he? What, specifically, is making you feel uneasy about him?

[Anxiousangela]

We have been together for 6 years. I’m embarrassed to say that I’m in my late 40s my last relationship before him was long almost 20 yrs. I don’t recall feeling this way with my ex. I always feel the balance is off in my current relationship.. I love him more than I think he loves me. This always puts me on edge. He has a lock on his phone but so do I. I actually can’t put it into words it’s more a feeling even though he tells me that he does want to be with me and isn’t cheating, he feels like nothing he says sinks in. I think my self esteem isn’t very strong at the moment so I always assume he doesn’t really want to be with me or will leave me at any minute. Gosh I sound pathetic. I’m just really struggling 

[flitzanu]

being constantly afraid he is going to leave you is anxiety and paranoia, not jealousy, what exactly are you jealous about?

[Anxiousangela]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

being constantly afraid he is going to leave you is anxiety and paranoia, not jealousy, what exactly are you jealous about?

I think you’re right I’m paranoid and anxious, that makes me worry about who he talks to and what he does when I’m not around. As I type this I’m rethinking if I’m jealous or just paranoid. I think that my anxiety is the root of my jealousy. Isn’t it? Or my anxiety which stems from me being insecure makes me jealous. They seem all connected. I guess that’s the way I see it or feel it. I don’t know how to change this about myself it is definitely pushing him away. He sees me as controlling and possessive, but it’s the fear of losing him that is causing me to feel like I need to be hyper vigilant. It’s all a jumble of fear anxiety suspicion and jealousy in my mind. 

[Weezy1973]

However you feel differently in this relationship than the past one. What is different? Why didn't feel jealousy during the previous relationship?

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Anxiousangela said:

He sees me as controlling and possessive, but it’s the fear of losing him that is causing me to feel like I need to be hyper vigilant. It’s all a jumble of fear anxiety suspicion and jealousy in my mind. 

The first step is getting to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. You want to rule out anything physical or psychological. This will assure you as to whether it's the relationship/him or something you can treat.

The reflect on why you're so edgy around him but haven't been in in your prior relationships. 6 years is a long time. Is there a commitment? Do you live together? Do you have the same goals/values?

Does he seem checked out? Unavailable? Unaccountable? Uninvolved? Is there affection/attraction that's mutual? If you step back and try to identify what's wrong, it will be easier than walking on eggs.

 

[Anxiousangela]

14 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

However you feel differently in this relationship than the past one. What is different? Why didn't feel jealousy during the previous relationship?

In my previous relationship I was doted on and my old partner would say things to me like. I love you more than you love me. He was right in the end he did love me more (I mean after a long time. I think I did love him more or close to equally  early in our relationship) at the end of things though  the balance was way off he was the anxious jealous one. Now it’s completely flipped and  im in my exes shoes in this relationship. It’s not fun feeling like you are the one who loves more. It feels unsafe for me. I left my past relationship because my feelings had died and weren’t as strong in the final years and now I fear that happening to me . 

[Alpacalia]

It sounds like you're having an emotional reaction to what you perceive as a threat to you and or your relationship. That is, if what you're feeling is jealousy.

When we perceive something as a threat, we tend to become hypervigilant (as you mentioned above) to protect ourself and feel in control of whatever is going on around us.

I'm not sure if this applies to you.

But it's not just that you are not feeling right. There is just something about your relationship that makes you think, "Hmm, this doesn't feel right. Something makes me feel bad about the relationship." 

So it's time to get an idea of what that something is. It might not be a lack of affection on your partner's part that is to blame. Or, it "could" be.

[Weezy1973]

17 minutes ago, Anxiousangela said:

 I left my past relationship because my feelings had died and weren’t as strong in the final years and now I fear that happening to me . 

Was your partner doing something to cause your feelings to die?

 

Here is the thing; in healthy relationships feelings aren't the driver of commitment. Core values are. Relationships will always have some ups and downs, and typically the intense feelings of the early stage relationship are slowly replaced by a more subdued, but deeper love and caring. If at your partner's core, he values commitment, and being loyal, then it's more likely that will stay. Feelings are fleeting, while commitment is not.

 

But that being said, I will relate a story with my first girlfriend (keep in mind I was in my early 20s). While I loved her and cared about her, I wasn't super attracted to her. And, not surprisingly the sex dwindled to nothing. However I was commitment oriented and would never cheat and I really wasn't suffering through anything as I genuinely liked her as a person. I just kind of accepted that was the way this relationship was. Until I didn't anymore. And I realized I craved the physical intimacy as well. And then I did break up with her. And she knew it - she too felt she loved me more than I loved her.

[Anxiousangela]

41 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Was your partner doing something to cause your feelings to die?

 

Here is the thing; in healthy relationships feelings aren't the driver of commitment. Core values are. Relationships will always have some ups and downs, and typically the intense feelings of the early stage relationship are slowly replaced by a more subdued, but deeper love and caring. If at your partner's core, he values commitment, and being loyal, then it's more likely that will stay. Feelings are fleeting, while commitment is not.

 

But that being said, I will relate a story with my first girlfriend (keep in mind I was in my early 20s). While I loved her and cared about her, I wasn't super attracted to her. And, not surprisingly the sex dwindled to nothing. However I was commitment oriented and would never cheat and I really wasn't suffering through anything as I genuinely liked her as a person. I just kind of accepted that was the way this relationship was. Until I didn't anymore. And I realized I craved the physical intimacy as well. And then I did break up with her. And she knew it - she too felt she loved me more than I loved her.

Thank you . The ironic thing my exes controlling and dominant behaviour killed my love I think. Now I’m feeling like I’m on the road to doing the same thing to my current partner. I’m seeking therapy because I am feeling truly conflicted and so uneasy at the moment 

[Anxiousangela]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

The first step is getting to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. You want to rule out anything physical or psychological. This will assure you as to whether it's the relationship/him or something you can treat.

The reflect on why you're so edgy around him but haven't been in in your prior relationships. 6 years is a long time. Is there a commitment? Do you live together? Do you have the same goals/values?

Does he seem checked out? Unavailable? Unaccountable? Uninvolved? Is there affection/attraction that's mutual? If you step back and try to identify what's wrong, it will be easier than walking on eggs.

 

Yes he can retreat and needs alone time. I try to give it to him but it only makes me more anxious when I feel him pulling away. I always feel like it’s about to end. It’s like I’m a nervous flyer and every sign that things aren’t smooth I head straight to disaster in my mind 

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, Anxiousangela said:

Thank you . The ironic thing my exes controlling and dominant behaviour killed my love I think. Now I’m feeling like I’m on the road to doing the same thing to my current partner. 

That's actually a pretty normal reaction. And it's good that you recognize it because now you can do something about it.

 

 

Edited June 20, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Lotsgoingon]

Contrary to what you say,  you have AMPLE reason to be insecure. Ample. And you state these reasons plainly and clearly.

 I love him more than I think he loves me. Game over right here. Game over. This relationship will not work for you. I've rarely seen people say what you say and then a year later report that everything had changed. Nope. When it comes to intimacy, intuition and gut can at times be far ahead of the conscious mind. How do you think we gravitate toward friends or certain workers? Not because of words, but energy we pick up. Sometimes tone of voice, body language, smile, subtle stuff

 I actually can’t put it into words it’s more a feeling even though he tells me that he does want to be with me and isn’t cheating ..

You're misunderstanding the way human connection works. It works on an unconscious level. Every day, you may go into a store or deal with a store worker or coworker and some people make us feel good, some people don't. Not because of specific words ... but because of their energy.

If you think you like/love your bf more than he does you, then it's totally reasonable for you to be insecure and jealous. You say that you can't put into words what your feeling is and the cause--that's because the body and the intuition adds up all kinds of information that the conscious does not. 

If you are feeling insecure, my view these days is that by definition the relationship isn't good for you. 

I'll confess. In my 20s and 30s even, I was the poster boy for saying the right thing to my partners and yet emotionally standing miles away. You know what's funny? When I'd bring one of my gf's around older people, they could immediately spot the inequality: that this person liked me more than I liked them. They'd spot it when I'd thought all night I'd been warm and polite with my partner. Well, time passes, and I can now spot inequality when I see young people I know out with their partners. It's pretty obvious to me who's more into the relationship. One young guy I've worked with was baffled that I could see this lack of interest on his part vs. the overwhelming interest on his gf's part. But he confirmed I was totally right. 

Bottom line: dump this guy. He's not right for you. By definition, if you're not feeling secure, you're in the wrong relationship. 

[Uruktopi]

"Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping."

- Ambrose Bierce

Edited June 21, 2022 by Uruktopi

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Anxiousangela said:

We have been together for 6 years

And have you been feeling this way the entire time, or has this developed recently? 

[glows]

13 hours ago, Anxiousangela said:

Can someone give me some advice on how to differentiate between anxiety and intuition in terms of jealousy? I find myself extremely jealous in my current relationship,  but don’t really have a reason to be. I’m generally a pretty anxious person so it maybe this heightened anxiety about life in general that I have is seeping into my relationship. I’m so stressed and need some advice on how to not be jealous as well as how to deal with this uneasy feeling in my relationship. 

Seeing as you say you’re an anxious person in general your best bet is to get that anxiety in check  and talk with your doctors especially if it’s affecting other areas and debilitating you in any way. Ie preventing you from working, meeting people, making friends, and getting on in other areas of life.

Unfortunately if your partner is bringing out the worst in you also by thought and/or action and you disagree on the most fundamental of issues this is never going to work. Third parties and feeling jealousy over someone else is nearly never about the other person or outsider. It has everything to do with lack of trust in the relationship and not seeing eye to eye. It’s constantly destabilizing you and causing disruption in your daily life if he’s incompatible with you.

I’m sorry you’re in such anguish. Go through the relationship carefully and ask those harder questions.

I’d also like to ask: How did you meet him? Was it before your last relationship ended, or soon after? Did you have time to yourself before jumping into another relationship?

[Anxiousangela]

11 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Contrary to what you say,  you have AMPLE reason to be insecure. Ample. And you state these reasons plainly and clearly.

 I love him more than I think he loves me. Game over right here. Game over. This relationship will not work for you. I've rarely seen people say what you say and then a year later report that everything had changed. Nope. When it comes to intimacy, intuition and gut can at times be far ahead of the conscious mind. How do you think we gravitate toward friends or certain workers? Not because of words, but energy we pick up. Sometimes tone of voice, body language, smile, subtle stuff

 I actually can’t put it into words it’s more a feeling even though he tells me that he does want to be with me and isn’t cheating ..

You're misunderstanding the way human connection works. It works on an unconscious level. Every day, you may go into a store or deal with a store worker or coworker and some people make us feel good, some people don't. Not because of specific words ... but because of their energy.

If you think you like/love your bf more than he does you, then it's totally reasonable for you to be insecure and jealous. You say that you can't put into words what your feeling is and the cause--that's because the body and the intuition adds up all kinds of information that the conscious does not. 

If you are feeling insecure, my view these days is that by definition the relationship isn't good for you. 

I'll confess. In my 20s and 30s even, I was the poster boy for saying the right thing to my partners and yet emotionally standing miles away. You know what's funny? When I'd bring one of my gf's around older people, they could immediately spot the inequality: that this person liked me more than I liked them. They'd spot it when I'd thought all night I'd been warm and polite with my partner. Well, time passes, and I can now spot inequality when I see young people I know out with their partners. It's pretty obvious to me who's more into the relationship. One young guy I've worked with was baffled that I could see this lack of interest on his part vs. the overwhelming interest on his gf's part. But he confirmed I was totally right. 

Bottom line: dump this guy. He's not right for you. By definition, if you're not feeling secure, you're in the wrong relationship. 

The trouble it’s not all the time. The majority of the time I’m happy but something small will set me off and I go into a spiral of what ifs and worse case scenarios. I think as others have said I need to get my anxiety in check. Even though I struggle I don’t want to leave him. 

[Anxiousangela]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Seeing as you say you’re an anxious person in general your best bet is to get that anxiety in check  and talk with your doctors especially if it’s affecting other areas and debilitating you in any way. Ie preventing you from working, meeting people, making friends, and getting on in other areas of life.

Unfortunately if your partner is bringing out the worst in you also by thought and/or action and you disagree on the most fundamental of issues this is never going to work. Third parties and feeling jealousy over someone else is nearly never about the other person or outsider. It has everything to do with lack of trust in the relationship and not seeing eye to eye. It’s constantly destabilizing you and causing disruption in your daily life if he’s incompatible with you.

I’m sorry you’re in such anguish. Go through the relationship carefully and ask those harder questions.

I’d also like to ask: How did you meet him? Was it before your last relationship ended, or soon after? Did you have time to yourself before jumping into another relationship?

Thank you for this advice. I have to admit I didn’t give myself any time between relationships. I think that would have helped. I’m searching for a good therapist in my area to help with my high anxiety. Thank you again

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Anxiousangela said:

I’m searching for a good therapist in my area to help with my high anxiety. Thank you again

That's a great start. Google : "Catastrophizing". It's when someone assumes that the worst will happen. 

[Lotsgoingon]

So what that your feeling isn't all the time? Your bf doesn't hate you ... he clearly likes you ... but he's withholding and distant and you pick it up... and usually in situations like this, the person in your position wants to ignore that gnawing feeling of insecurity they have. 

You have the wrong standard here ... your feeling doesn't have to be 24/7 for a year for  you to recognize a red flag. It's enough that your feelings of insecurity keep returning. And that you're having trouble identifying what's going on.

Trust me: If I were to see you and your bf together, I would EASILY be able to notice that he's not into you as much as you are into him. You're just going to drive yourself nuts by staying. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Anxiousangela said:

Thank you for this advice. I have to admit I didn’t give myself any time between relationships. I think that would have helped. I’m searching for a good therapist in my area to help with my high anxiety. Thank you again

Did you rush into this relationship? You may be finding he filled a void at one point but he’s not the right person for you.  

Someone with a healthy self-esteem might have dumped him years ago but you stay. I’d figure out if you’re with him for him or filling a void.

[Anxiousangela]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Did you rush into this relationship? You may be finding he filled a void at one point but he’s not the right person for you.  

Someone with a healthy self-esteem might have dumped him years ago but you stay. I’d figure out if you’re with him for him or filling a void.

Yes I did rush into it unfortunately