Dumped on his birthday - whyyy?

[stillafool]

58 minutes ago, planetgrapes said:

That's not true, we planned it for ages just like many other things.

The thing that really gets me is that we spent a whole day having a professional couples photoshoot together. People just don't do that unless they are in love.

Yet, a few weeks later I am eliminated from their life

Was he the one who set up the photoshoot or did you?  And people do a lot of things but aren't in love.  I know I have, sometimes you just play along to get along.

[planetgrapes]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Was he the one who set up the photoshoot or did you?

That's the thing, it was all initiated by him.

[stillafool]

59 minutes ago, planetgrapes said:

She was from East Europe so had no parents or family here

So does she work or does he also financially support her?  

[planetgrapes]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

So does she work or does he also financially support her?  

I didn't get told that much although apparently she was paying a bit of rent.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, planetgrapes said:

I didn't get told that much although apparently she was paying a bit of rent.

If she can pay a bit of rent, she can do that easilly as a roommate.  People break up all the time and when they really want to split they find new living arrangements.  There's no reason to stay unless that's what they both wanted.  It doesn't make sense that he was in love with you but broke up with you so a girl he no longer loves can live with him.  Again, even if she had no where to go he could have let her stay and still had you come over to prove to both of you that it was you he wanted to be with but he didn't.

[planetgrapes]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If she can pay a bit of rent, she can do that easilly as a roommate.  People break up all the time and when they really want to split they find new living arrangements.  There's no reason to stay unless that's what they both wanted.  It doesn't make sense that he was in love with you but broke up with you so a girl he no longer loves can live with him.  Again, even if she had no where to go he could have let her stay and still had you come over to prove to both of you that it was you he wanted to be with but he didn't.

Thanks I understand that.

One thing I didn't add is that 2 days before the block they managed to have an offer accepted on a house. I thought this could be a new start for us but hours later I was eliminated.

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, planetgrapes said:

Thanks I understand that.

One thing I didn't add is that 2 days before the block they managed to have an offer accepted on a house. I thought this could be a new start for us but hours later I was eliminated.

When you say "they" do you mean the two of them?  Is she moving in his new house with him and if so how can you not see that what I said is true.

[planetgrapes]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

When you say "they" do you mean the two of them?  Is she moving in his new house with him and if so how can you not see that what I said is true.

No I mean "him", we were literally looking at houses together a few days before he blocked me

Edited June 22, 2022 by planetgrapes
Additional info

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, planetgrapes said:

One thing I didn't add is that 2 days before the block they managed to have an offer accepted on a house. I thought this could be a new start for us but hours later I was eliminated.

That's not usually how it works, though. 

Moving in together doesn't undo the parts hurts. It doesn't fix dysfunction. It doesn't make all the dishonesty go away. The bottom line is that you should pay more attention to the major red flags rather than getting swept up in the fantasy. A couple's photo shoot doesn't = in love. It's an easy thing to do, and it's perfomative in light of all the other warning signs about this man. He knew exactly what to say and do to keep you hooked, until he was done with you. 

Anyway, this guy has been lying to you from the start. There is probably plenty you still don't know about him and his relationship with his "ex." I would also get yourself tested for STIs if you haven't already, because I would not for a moment trust that he wasn't having sex with both of you (if you were sexually active with him, of course) 

Don't wait for him to block/delete you on Instagram. You should be doing that, so he doesn't have any opportunity to play you again. Maybe stay single for a while and work on strengthening your boundaries. This dude should have been kicked out of your life a while ago, and if you don't address why you didn't do that, you will be ripe for another user to take advantage of. 

[Alpacalia]

18 hours ago, planetgrapes said:

Funny thing is that we're on Instagram together and I haven't been blocked from that. I havn't made any contact though.

Good. Why not go ahead a delete him?

It must be incredibly difficult for you to know that your entire relationship with this man is based on lies.

As your mind tries to figure out how everything fits together, it must be overwhelming.

Irrespective of whether she was his girlfriend the entire time or if they were a couple on and off, your relationship is over now. 

This man deceived you, leading you to believe that you were in a relationship with him and that the two of you were in love and then dumped you in the most inhumane way possible.

As soon as he told you he wanted to give his ex another chance two months in, that should have been the end of it. 

Sometimes breakups aren't clean, and severing the ties takes time, but it sounds like this guy was looking for a "let's move in together to see if it works" arrangement. One moves out; another moves in. When that's the case, he tries on girlfriends as he does hats. When he chose you instead after those two months, it probably made you feel elated he chose you over her, that you somehow won his favor, that you were "more special." Maybe that was part of the allure for you.

That's the trap you fell into.

So, I do question your self-esteem quotient to put up with his antics, by going along with it. 

When you want to be in a committed relationship, as it sounds like you do, don't set yourself up with people who aren't ready for that. Though he may seem like the sweetest guy on the planet, if he has a woman staying in his home for months (probably in his bed) after they have "supposedly" broken up, he is useless.

Edited June 22, 2022 by Alpacalia

[planetgrapes]

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would also get yourself tested for STIs

I already have. He asked me to do it. And given that we haven't had sex since and I've done the test 3 months ago I'm sure I'm ok. For another reason I won't mention here I think its pretty safe that they weren't sleeping together.

[planetgrapes]

15 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Good. Why not go ahead a delete him?

It must be incredibly difficult for you to know that your entire relationship with this man is based on lies.

As your mind tries to figure out how everything fits together, it must be overwhelming.

Irrespective of whether she was his girlfriend the entire time or if they were a couple on and off, your relationship is over now. 

This man deceived you, leading you to believe that you were in a relationship with him and that the two of you were in love and then dumped you in the most inhumane way possible.

As soon as he told you he wanted to give his ex another chance two months in, that should have been the end of it. 

Sometimes breakups aren't clean, and severing the ties takes time, but it sounds like this guy was looking for a "let's move in together to see if it works" arrangement. One moves out; another moves in. When that's the case, he tries on girlfriends as he does hats. When he chose you instead after those two months, it probably made you feel elated he chose you over her, that you somehow won his favor, that you were "more special." Maybe that was part of the allure for you.

That's the trap you fell into.

So, I do question your self-esteem quotient to put up with his antics, by going along with it. 

When you want to be in a committed relationship, as it sounds like you do, don't set yourself up with people who aren't ready for that. Though he may seem like the sweetest guy on the planet, if he has a woman staying in his home for months (probably in his bed) after they have "supposedly" broken up, he is useless.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I appreciate it and its very helpful.

[planetgrapes]

15 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

if he has a woman staying in his home for months (probably in his bed)

Apparently she was sleeping on a mattress in the living room. In a one bed flat.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, planetgrapes said:

Apparently she was sleeping on a mattress in the living room. In a one bed flat.

Does it really matter?

He lied to you.

You can sugar coat it, make excuses, rationalize it, but when the day is done, he’s a liar.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, planetgrapes said:

Apparently she was sleeping on a mattress in the living room. In a one bed flat.

I really hope you don't believe that. Otherwise, I have ocean-front property in Nebraska to sell you. 

The relationship was built on dishonesty and deceit.  It is hard to come to terms with, I realize. But you would never be able to have a true relationship with him. What you had was not the real deal. You just didn't really know it until recently. 

Please, block him online everywhere. Don't let yourself get duped again. 

 

 

[planetgrapes]

Hi guys thanks for all your comments here. They have really helped. I mean it.

It's really made me realise that I hate this person and I let love blind me to obvious facts. 

Wish you all the best x

[Acacia98]

On 6/21/2022 at 1:26 PM, planetgrapes said:

Only a complete s*** would have been seeing their ex all along.

If I were you, I wouldn't have any difficulty thinking of him as a complete s*** at this point.

And, seriously, you're best off questioning everything he ever told you. You shouldn't be saying that something must have happened because he told you it happened. I think you're still shell-shocked and it will take time for you to catch up to the reality of what this guy was. Please block him everywhere to give yourself an extra layer of protection while you're still vulnerable. You really don't want him dragging you down the rabbit hole into another fictional universe if he pops out of the woodwork today.

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, planetgrapes said:

Apparently she was sleeping on a mattress in the living room. In a one bed flat.

To make sense of this, you need to ask yourself some questions: If you met the love of your life and we're convinced you wanted to get married, would you allow anything remotely associated with your ex anywhere close enough to potentially sabotage your new relationship? Personally, I wouldn't. I don't have regular conversations with my exes, I don't meet them for tea, lunch, or an innocuous drink. I sure as hell wouldn't let any of them move into my one-bedroom apartment. Even if it was supposed to be innocent, it would look pretty dubious to a trusting person. And, really, what are the odds of its being innocent?

If you wouldn't engage in this kind of behavior, you should not date a guy who behaves that way. It's very, very important to date people who share our values and sense of boundaries.