Hurting (UPDATE - should I be friends)

[PainAndTorment]

Hows it going everyone, thank you for reading my post. I just want to say I'm hurting alot right now and need somewhere to vent too, so thanks to anyone willing help and prepared to read my long story,

I think my relationship with a girl is over, after nearly 2 months. I've basically been really close to a girl online (I'm late 20's, she's mid 20's). We first got chatting because I was complaining about something on a forum start of May and she popped up to me privately saying she had a similar experience with what I was going through and was really friendly. We started asking questions to each other and started to find out we had a loads in common. We then had a blast finding out we had so much in common together and fell in love with each other. We began sending each other photo's of ourselves and eventually spoke on the phone a couple times, it was honestly the best time of my life. We'd talk from morning till night and I was in heaven and she was all I could think about and she was head over heels for me too. We were both telling our families about each other and I had never experienced anything like this before. We both loved each other and thought we were soulmates.. but then cracks began to show.

She had bipolar so was very inconsistent, one day be all over me then the next disappear or be distant/cold. She told me she could be nasty and had a history of drama but I thought It would be okay and could calm her down. Me being inexperienced to online love and love in general, felt hurt by her behaviour and thought she wanted to end it and questioned her about it on many occasions which she denied. We nearly split up after three weeks but sorted it out and became really close again. She went through a lot while I was talking to her. She just broke up with a her long term boyfriend of 5 years (while she was with me, he was horrible to her) and her grandad passed way while I was talking to her (which I supported her through). She also had a jealous close male friend who kept interfering with our relationship (she ended up severing ties with him for me, bless her) and her mom tried to hook her up with someone in real life (she eventually came round to us and was happy for us). Then came the dreaded holiday. After helping her get over her ex and grandad, she was now going abroad for two weeks (could not a catch a break). She promised me we'd stay close and have our own holiday when she got back amongst other plans and we had a really nice phone call before she went away.

I wanted actually wanted abit of space from her on this holiday because she was quite needy and wanted to talk everyday. I could be a little bit too, I'm not going to lie but I always asked if she wanted space everyday and to let me know, I was just making sure she was okay because I care for her. She told me she wanted to talk everyday on holiday, even though I didn't want too (I was prepared to go a couple of days without talking and give her space), but I thought okay for her I will. Credit to her, she spoke to me a couple hours after landing there which surprised me as I wasn't even expecting to hear off her so quickly. But anyway, we continued to talk everyday for the first couple days while she was on holiday, not as much as before but I decent amount for the first couple of days and then the boys came along. She told me that multiple boys had hit on her since she was there and she refused them and I felt really proud of her loyalty.. but then she started to talk alot less and told me the one night she didn't know what to do about us and or say to the boys.  I told her to just say we was talking or you were seeing someone, its none of there business and we can look forward too our possible relationship/meeting up when she got back.. She sounded like she was really tempted by the boys, but sounded like part of her wanted to stay loyal to me too.

I told her to do whatever makes her happy and she thanked me. I then asked her does she a future with me and she said of course she does. She kept referring to me as a friend by the way, on and off during the two months as well and then be all over me again not long after (it really screwed my head up, her bipolar?). I think I told her once a month ago after the first big argument, I wanted to be friends only once or twice and not for awhile because I realized I loved her romantically instead. She told me loads more on and off and then other times tell me I'm the love of of her life and her soulmate but in the end I didn't know where I stood and was confused. Anyway we were talking all night after she told me she still wants me in her life and then she told me about how close she was getting with another guy  on holiday.   I, like a mug, continued to talk to her for the rest of the night until she went bed and I thought we had a nice conversation. I haven't heard off for a couple days now and this is the longest we've gone without talking in the two months I've known her (is there even any point trying anymore). I'm thinking that she's s*****g around to be honest after what she's told me about the boys. She could just be on holiday having her own space but after mentioning being friends and with the boys, I think its over and she got to be, hasn't she. How could she throw what we had away, for a short term s**g on  holiday?

I'm so hurt because I thought we were so close before this holiday and loved each other, what an earth has gone wrong? If talking alot all the time on holiday is what I caused it I did say we shoudn't have but she wanted too! I really loved this girl and still do and I've been nothing but nice/a gentlemen to her. She told me she loved me too loads of times, soulmates. Same music, same choice in food, films etc, backgrounds, loads! I send her pictures of me and she found me attractive and loved me, she always used to tell me. We went through so much together in two months, we had the odds against us from day one, people against us and we both tried really hard to make it work! We both lives in different cities and we were planning to see each after the holiday. If you want me to be completely honest as well, I have been unhappy alot of the last two months as well. Her inconsistency and constant uncertainty got me depressed, there's been boys involved in her life from the start too (she always used to tell me too which hurt) and her family don't sound too pleasant either. I've been nothing but loving and caring with this girl and gave my life to her and lost parts of me in the process from day one. Sacrificing days of my life to talk to her and my own life. Even my family told me to get rid of her loads of times but I ignored them. I lost over a stone due to the up and downs of it all, probably more now nearly two stone. I was happy talking to her, but not talking to her if you know what I mean. I thin the writings been on the wall for awhile and I had been preparing to end it on and off to end it too, writing notes down to be honest.. but she said she never wanted too when I asked her. I have been missing my freedom a little bit and concentrating more on my life. I could do without her stress/drama and waiting for her message everyday, which probably isn't going to happen now. We gave our souls to each other and told each other everything about our lifes. She even told me I was closer to her,  than even her own family at one point 

I'll never forget meeting her and being close to her whatever happens, we've had some really special times, especially the first few weeks in particular.. but just her everyday familiarity I'm going to miss. We were really close for two months and now to see her getting distant to me/possibly never speaking to her again is absolutely breaking my heart people, I'm not even going to lie.   I'm struggling to let go and accept it, how quick it can change like that. I've never loved a girl like this before and never had a girl love me this much either, even though its only online. She had a tough life and all I wanted to do was make it better for her and tried my best.

I think I've bored or depressed everyone enough so I'd like to end it like this. I'm torn between a: blocking her forever/letting her go b: waiting a couple days to talk to her c:: waiting until she's back of  holiday d: still asking her if she wants to be friends. My hearts looking for b: c:: or d:.. but my minds telling me a: to be honest. Is she worth still being friends with and I really want to send her a last farewell message too if it comes to that , do you guys think I should for comfort and then block? 

Thanks for your patience and reading everyone, what do you think I should do?

Edited June 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
update title post merge

[glows]

She has bipolar and you've never met her, OP. Am I understanding this correctly? How much do you know about her in terms of her receiving treatment? She's doing what most normal, healthy women would do - focus on real life interactions and not on virtual cyberfantasies. What isn't ok was that she seemed to be stringing you along and telling you far too much info about other young men hitting on her and dragging you into that chaos and unnecessary drama. You didn't feel good about her inconsistency and the way you became a shadow and lost yourself in this. 

This has everything to do with you and putting too much effort into someone you were getting to know but did not know very well. It's an intoxicating feeling in the first few weeks of meeting someone new. It seems she was full of issues and you slid right in assuming a knight in shining armour role, thinking you could fix her issues. She needs doctors, not a boyfriend from afar. Be careful with your time, your health and yes, do distance yourself from her. Give yourself a few days and listen to your family. They are telling you to do what's best and have your best interests. Ignoring your health is a major sign of something amiss with you. Please check your own health and see a doctor if you're suffering from depression, loneliness or other mood issues. 

Keep writing if it helps. Heartbreak sucks but you need to take care of yourself now.

[PainAndTorment]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

She has bipolar and you've never met her, OP. Am I understanding this correctly? How much do you know about her in terms of her receiving treatment? She's doing what most normal, healthy women would do - focus on real life interactions and not on virtual cyberfantasies. What isn't ok was that she seemed to be stringing you along and telling you far too much info about other young men hitting on her and dragging you into that chaos and unnecessary drama. You didn't feel good about her inconsistency and the way you became a shadow and lost yourself in this. 

This has everything to do with you and putting too much effort into someone you were getting to know but did not know very well. It's an intoxicating feeling in the first few weeks of meeting someone new. It seems she was full of issues and you slid right in assuming a knight in shining armour role, thinking you could fix her issues. She needs doctors, not a boyfriend from afar. Be careful with your time, your health and yes, do distance yourself from her. Give yourself a few days and listen to your family. They are telling you to do what's best and have your best interests. Ignoring your health is a major sign of something amiss with you. Please check your own health and see a doctor if you're suffering from depression, loneliness or other mood issues. 

Keep writing if it helps. Heartbreak sucks but you need to take care of yourself now.

Thanks for your reply glows, means alot during this painful time. She is on alot of medication, but she says its under control and acts like it is most the time and no i've never met her, spoke to her on phone is the closest I've got. I know where your coming and as painful as it is to admit, it is healthier for her to focus on real life your right.. but its resulted in the loss of our connection/relationship at the same. Yeh I was very unhappy behind the scenes alot as well despite how much I loved her and lost myself absolutely, things I used too do/enjoy etc. I know I think we did go over the top, saying how much we loved each other without actually meeting yet and thank you glows, means alot. Do you think I should speak to her ever again?

Edited June 21, 2022 by PainAndTorment

[glows]

5 hours ago, PainAndTorment said:

Thanks for your reply glows, means alot during this painful time. She is on alot of medication, but she says its under control and acts like it is most the time and no i've never met her, spoke to her on phone is the closest I've got. I know where your coming and as painful as it is to admit, it is healthier for her to focus on real life your right.. but its resulted in the loss of our connection/relationship at the same. Yeh I was very unhappy behind the scenes alot as well despite how much I loved her and lost myself absolutely, things I used too do/enjoy etc. I know I think we did go over the top, saying how much we loved each other without actually meeting yet and thank you glows, means alot. Do you think I should speak to her ever again?

I don't think it's a good idea to reach out to her again. You appear as someone addicted and lost yourself in this. I'd be more concerned about your mental health. Do you struggle with any addictions or substances? What is your home life like? Do you live with your parents? Do you work or are you employed? What keeps you motivated each day? Do you feel motivated to engage in other tasks? 

[ ] 

Edited June 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reference to removed content

[PainAndTorment]

5 hours ago, glows said:

I don't think it's a good idea to reach out to her again. You appear as someone addicted and lost yourself in this. I'd be more concerned about your mental health. Do you struggle with any addictions or substances? What is your home life like? Do you live with your parents? Do you work or are you employed? What keeps you motivated each day? Do you feel motivated to engage in other tasks? 

 

She has taken over my life for sure, I'm tempted to just give her one last farewell message and then block her/leave her to it. I have got an addictive personality yeh and I'm quite lonely, unemployed, I enjoy my exercise and working out and okay, my apologies I will be next time. Can we get things back on track after she gets back from holiday or is it over do you reckon?

Edited June 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, PainAndTorment said:

what do you think I should do?

Go outside, meet some people who live in your community, and do something fun. Seriously.

While I can appreciate the loss of a friend that you connected with online, it’s not even been two months and you’ve never actually met this woman real life - it’s not normal or healthy to profess love for someone you have never met and when you can count on both hands how many weeks you have known the woman. It’s actually a huge red flag that you have both done that - not withstanding the fact that she has a serious mental illness.

In all sincerity, I would advise you to get off the computer and go out into the world to meet people. It’s much healthier for you than building a (fantasy) online relationship with a woman that you do not know.

Best wishes.

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, PainAndTorment said:

Can we get things back on track after she gets back from holiday

She has a serious mental illness and you yourself say, the few weeks that you’ve known her haven’t all been good times. 

You should not continue to invest in this relationship - it’s very unlikely that it will bring you any lasting happiness. Time to find something else to do to fill your time - 

[glows]

45 minutes ago, PainAndTorment said:

She has taken over my life for sure, I'm tempted to just give her one last farewell message and then block her/leave her to it. I have got an addictive personality yeh and I'm quite lonely, unemployed, I enjoy my exercise and working out and okay, my apologies I will be next time. Can we get things back on track after she gets back from holiday or is it over do you reckon?

Is there a reason for the unemployment? Do you live with parents or family? 

It's good that you have exercising and working out but you sound isolated. You may be depressed and too vulnerable right now to be with anyone, let alone someone who brings inconsistency into your life.

Edited June 21, 2022 by glows

[PainAndTorment]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

She has a serious mental illness and you yourself say, the few weeks that you’ve known her haven’t all been good times. 

You should not continue to invest in this relationship - it’s very unlikely that it will bring you any lasting happiness. Time to find something else to do to fill your time - 

I know, we both got carried away. I did feel something for her though, she made me really happy and I've shed tears over her and yeh she does and I have mental illness issues myself and no they haven't all been. There's been alot of nice times but also alot of misunderstandings and her being hot and cold. One day I'd be really happy with her and the next be really sad. I'm wrtinig her a farewell message and then I'm leaving her to it, I don't event want to be friends anymore after how much upset she's caused me. She's on holiday though but I almost know she's having sex with other boys and as someone already said, why shoudn't she. Its more healther than placing all her bets on me, she might not even like me in real life and she would of sacricied her holiday for me. Still hurts though, seven weeks down the pan and we were so close to meeting, but if nots meant to be, its not meant to be.

Edited June 21, 2022 by PainAndTorment

[PainAndTorment]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

Is there a reason for the unemployment? Do you live with parents or family? 

It's good that you have exercising and working out but you sound isolated. You may be depressed and too vulnerable right now to be with anyone, let alone someone who brings inconsistency into your life.

Just my mom and yeh its just me most the time. I was fine and was so used to being on my own before all of this, but now I've had a taste of it its changed my whole perception of life/being my own completely. I lover her so much, as stupid as it sounds, we were so close for weeks, over a month. Your right, I think I'll start to get better without this girl to be honest. She makes me happy short term but not long term, I'll get used to life without her. I never really had much going for me before  she was a really bright spark during a negative period, thats why I'm in sou much pain letting her go and your right, I agree.. I did feel deep down it wasn't the right time either, I was just kind of forcing it/rushing it and just depression mainly and being bad at jobs.

Edited June 21, 2022 by PainAndTorment

[glows]

6 minutes ago, PainAndTorment said:

Just my mom and yeh its just me most the time. I was fine and was so used to being on my own before all of this, but now I've had a taste of it its changed my whole perception of life/being my own completely. I lover her so much, as stupid as it sounds, we were so close for weeks, over a month. Your right, I think I'll start to get better without this girl to be honest. She makes me happy short term but not long term, I'll get used to life without her. I never really had much going for me before  she was a really bright spark during a negative period, thats why I'm in sou much pain letting her go and your right, I agree.. I did feel deep down it wasn't the right time either, I was just kind of forcing it/rushing it and just depression mainly and being bad at jobs.

Have you considered seeing a doctor or specialist and receiving treatment and care for your mental health/depression? How do you mean bad at jobs? Is this difficulty concentrating or understanding the tasks? What types of jobs can you do or have you been successful at in the past? Don't be discouraged, try again and with assistance or help regarding your moods. It doesn't sound like you have the correct support or care for yourself. 

The reason why I'm mentioning this is because you likely wouldn't feel the need for this woman at all if you are getting the right support you need or feeling more encouraged and motivated in these other areas. 

She is not a bright spark if she's bringing issues and inconsistencies and causing you to question yourself or throw you deeper into a tailspin. 

[PainAndTorment]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

Have you considered seeing a doctor or specialist and receiving treatment and care for your mental health/depression? How do you mean bad at jobs? Is this difficulty concentrating or understanding the tasks? What types of jobs can you do or have you been successful at in the past? Don't be discouraged, try again and with assistance or help regarding your moods. It doesn't sound like you have the correct support or care for yourself. 

The reason why I'm mentioning this is because you likely wouldn't feel the need for this woman at all if you are getting the right support you need or feeling more encouraged and motivated in these other areas. 

She is not a bright spark if she's bringing issues and inconsistencies and causing you to question yourself or throw you deeper into a tailspin. 

I know maybe she wasn't as good for me as first thought, even my mom said that about me and yeh I'm thinking about it going to have it checked soon. Just struggling in the wrong jobs and stuff, clumsy and concentration. I'm not ready to get bck into work yet but hopefully will at some point. and I know your right. If I had more going on in my life, I woudn't be so needy I guess. She was needy too though, don't get me wrong. I asked if she wanted space loads. She could be hurtful sometimes being distant and talking about other boys. It might fault for sticking around for so long, I've just made it worse. She has dropped loads of hints here and there azwel, saying lets be friends and going our seperate ways, not directly but subtle.

Edited June 21, 2022 by PainAndTorment

[PainAndTorment]

Quick update everyone, I've sent her a last farewell message. She might of blocked me already but if she hasn't , i'll be seeing if she replies over the next week and if it gets to seven days, I'll block her completely from everything then. I'd be lying if I'm not hurting or feel numb right now.. but deep down it was for the best. Sad how you can go from being so close for a period of time to being so distant that quickly, but I'm sure thats how it goes in alot of relationships.. I'm going to be hurting for a minute or too, but I'll be okay. Its ashame its come to end/ended like this.. but life goes on and it wasn't to be. I'll either get a proper girlfriend in the future when I'm physically and mentally in a better place or just get used to being on my own for the rest of my life.

Edited June 21, 2022 by PainAndTorment

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, PainAndTorment said:

it wasn't to be.

It definitely wasn't, no. 

You overlooked some huge red flags here (such as her not even being single when you started talking to her) and now you're seeing why cyber romances just aren't the real deal. They can't compete with real life, and she's showing pretty clearly she is not actually invested - and nor should she be. Neither should you. You got swept away in a fantasy, but you don't actually know this person. 

In the future, don't get wrapped up in online relationships. Focus instead on meeting local women you can have a real relationship with, who are not: A) already dating someone, B) mentally unstable, and C) bragging about other guys hitting on them. This woman was no catch. 

[PainAndTorment]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It definitely wasn't, no. 

You overlooked some huge red flags here (such as her not even being single when you started talking to her) and now you're seeing why cyber romances just aren't the real deal. They can't compete with real life, and she's showing pretty clearly she is not actually invested - and nor should she be. Neither should you. You got swept away in a fantasy, but you don't actually know this person. 

In the future, don't get wrapped up in online relationships. Focus instead on meeting local women you can have a real relationship with, who are not: A) already dating someone, B) mentally unstable, and C) bragging about other guys hitting on them. This woman was no catch. 

I know I did and its true I know, your right. She's got back to me by the way, guilt tripping me into feeling guilty saying she wasn't cheating and stayed loyal and that's she's heartbroken. I feel so guilty, its got me apologizing and trying to get back with her. What a mess, she probably isn't going to have me back anyway and there was red flags before the holiday anyway.

Edited June 21, 2022 by PainAndTorment

[glows]

3 hours ago, PainAndTorment said:

Quick update everyone, I've sent her a last farewell message. She might of blocked me already but if she hasn't , i'll be seeing if she replies over the next week and if it gets to seven days, I'll block her completely from everything then. I'd be lying if I'm not hurting or feel numb right now.. but deep down it was for the best. Sad how you can go from being so close for a period of time to being so distant that quickly, but I'm sure thats how it goes in alot of relationships.. I'm going to be hurting for a minute or too, but I'll be okay. Its ashame its come to end/ended like this.. but life goes on and it wasn't to be. I'll either get a proper girlfriend in the future when I'm physically and mentally in a better place or just get used to being on my own for the rest of my life.

No, move on and don't leave the door open. She wasn't any good to you at all. Yes, to getting back into a better place mentally and physically. Move out and get your own place after you find a job. You're in your late twenties. Why are you holding yourself back? You'll keep falling for these types when you can be aiming for much better. 

[PainAndTorment]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

No, move on and don't leave the door open. She wasn't any good to you at all. Yes, to getting back into a better place mentally and physically. Move out and get your own place after you find a job. You're in your late twenties. Why are you holding yourself back? You'll keep falling for these types when you can be aiming for much better. 

 She's got back to me by the way, guilt tripping me into feeling guilty saying she wasn't cheating and stayed loyal and that's she's heartbroken. I feel so guilty, its got me apologizing and trying to get back with her. What a mess, she probably isn't going to have me back anyway and there was red flags before the holiday anyway. What do I do glows?

[glows]

1 minute ago, PainAndTorment said:

 She's got back to me by the way, guilt tripping me into feeling guilty saying she wasn't cheating and stayed loyal and that's she's heartbroken. I feel so guilty, its got me apologizing and trying to get back with her. What a mess, she probably isn't going to have me back anyway and there was red flags before the holiday anyway. What do I do glows?

If you don't think she'll have you back, why are you putting yourself through this? Block and delete her. You don't know her and have never met her in person.

[PainAndTorment]

I feel like such a shitty human being and guilty[ ] , after she said she was loyal too me and loved me loads but to be honest even if she didn't cheat, there was red flags anyway. I'm just trying to get back with out of guilt and its not working, I don't think I'll be talking to her again after today.

Edited June 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[PainAndTorment]

Can someone help me, what have I done *head in hands*! I accused her of cheating when she wasn't but to be fair though, I did want to it end deep down anyway. I'm just so so so so so sorry I've broke her heart and misjudged her. I blocked her in the end because I was tired of trying to win her back/her in general. I'm a decent gieza and didn't want it to end like that, it ended horribly [ ]. Has anyone got any advice for me? I've messed up big time here and feel horrible 

Edited June 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[basil67]

She'll get over it.  

In the meantime, keep working on your own mental health

[PainAndTorment]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

She'll get over it.  

In the meantime, keep working on your own mental health

I hope so, she's already lost a few close boys to her recently and now me, I hope she don't do anything stupid due to her bipolar. She's gone now, I'll never hear of her again. I wanted to end it on good terms but it ended horribly instead, I feel like a monster. I'm struggling to cope with this. I could just call it a day.

Edited June 22, 2022 by PainAndTorment

[glows]

If you’re ending it then be sure and swift with it. Try not to drag it on and get caught in her drama or give mixed signals. Find employment. Move out. Start your life. Don’t stay held back or hold yourself back.

[PainAndTorment]

26 minutes ago, glows said:

If you’re ending it then be sure and swift with it. Try not to drag it on and get caught in her drama or give mixed signals. Find employment. Move out. Start your life. Don’t stay held back or hold yourself back.

Its done, I'll never hear off her again. I'm broken, but I hope she'll be okay and has a nice life.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, PainAndTorment said:

Its done, I'll never hear off her again. I'm broken, but I hope she'll be okay and has a nice life.

She'll be fine, OP. 

It's you I would be concerned about. You're absolutely upside down over a woman you have never met. Kindly, that says more about your mental health than anything else. It was never really about this specific woman, but you latching on to something nebulous and fantasy-based. You are looking for someone (a complete stranger, for all intents and purposes) to fix what's going on inside you - and what existed long before you met her. But it won't work. Delete and block her. She is no good, and it's making your own mental health much worse. She will find the next  guy to attach herself to, if she hasn't already. 

I think you best path is to contact a good therapist. It's very concerning that you're so distraught over something that never really had a basis in reality, but a qualified and compassionate professional can help you navigate this in a more constructive manner.