OntheEdge21 Posted June 21, 2022 Share Posted June 21, 2022 My wife had a friendship that was too close and leaked into an emotional affair. I caught it after the AP, who is married, sent a text I deemed inappropriate. She swore that she didn't have feelings for him and may have led him on and I went with that, until I caught her talking to him again. Reading through the texts it was obvious that the feelings were mutual. They were saying how they shouldn't talk to each other again. I knew they were out with each other one night and I know they didn't have sex but not sure if they kissed. Over the last 6 months, she has been shady with her phone, and I caught her texting him again. I know he moved away, so its nothing physical, but she swears it was a one-off to see how he is doing. I have no idea what to believe, but I somehow think that they never ceased communications, but I have no way of proving my suspicions. We had a blowout fight and I may have said some hurtful things to her and I do want our relationship to continue but I don't think i'll ever trust her again. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 21, 2022 Share Posted June 21, 2022 Sorry to hear what is happening in your marriage and welcome to LoveShack. How do you know there was no kissing and sex on the night they were out with each other? What was the purpose of them being out at night together and were you aware of it before it happened? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OntheEdge21 Posted June 21, 2022 Author Share Posted June 21, 2022 I saw her uber ride that was straight from the bar and I know where she was beforehand. The texts leading up to that also indicated that no sex happened. The kissing is what I am unsure about. I had no idea that she was seeing him. They were both out with friends but she has been seeing him a lot more. Like I said, I have no doubt that she liked him I just don't know if the affair ended then or if it continued until now. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 21, 2022 Share Posted June 21, 2022 You both may need to have an honest conversation of whether you both want the marriage to continue. If she says she does want to work on your marriage, she will have to prove that and show you that she isn't interested in anyone else. You caught her in the midst of infidelity/emotional cheating. It's difficult to come back from something like this as that trust is damaged. It begs the question why you'd torture yourself and her if you know already for certain that you cannot trust her anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OntheEdge21 Posted June 21, 2022 Author Share Posted June 21, 2022 (edited) I've tried having an honest conversation with her. Maybe she is afraid of telling me the whole truth because it will lead to divorce. But will I always be wondering if she is telling the truth now? Did she end it when she said she did? Did she continue on? What did she tell him? etc. etc. Edited June 21, 2022 by OntheEdge21 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 21, 2022 Share Posted June 21, 2022 2 minutes ago, OntheEdge21 said: I've tried having an honest conversation with her. Maybe she is afraid of telling me the whole truth because it will lead to divorce. But will I always be wondering if she is telling the truth now. Did she end it when she said she did. Did she continue on, what did she tell him, did she tell him she loved him. I have no idea and it is killing me. I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through something similar but another level of infidelity so I empathize with you quite a lot. He was a dishonest person in general. I think you'll have to ask yourself how much you're willing to put into this and whether you can see yourself living any sense of normalcy or peace. If you can't sense that your spouse is being honest with you or is willing to be as vulnerable and put in that effort, you'll have to think about whether you're both on the same page at all. You seem to have drifted apart quite a bit. Some couples are able to work through that break in trust and rebuild trust in the relationship but one person alone can't do it. It takes two. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OntheEdge21 Posted June 21, 2022 Author Share Posted June 21, 2022 I guess the one question that is killing me is if I am able to move on with her even I think she's being dishonest about the length and extent of the affair? I know it's something only I can answer, but just trying to see what the consensus is. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 21, 2022 Share Posted June 21, 2022 34 minutes ago, OntheEdge21 said: I saw her uber ride that was straight from the bar and I know where she was beforehand. The texts leading up to that also indicated that no sex happened. The kissing is what I am unsure about. I had no idea that she was seeing him. They were both out with friends but she has been seeing him a lot more. Like I said, I have no doubt that she liked him I just don't know if the affair ended then or if it continued until now. If you had no idea she was seeing him and now you know she has been seeing him a lot more; why would you still be unsure of sex and kissing? It sounds like they've been sneaking around seeing each other. I agree you need to sit your wife down and hopefully come up with the truth. Tell her you're almost at the point of requiring a lie detector test. That will scare her if she's been lying. I hope I'm wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, OntheEdge21 said: I guess the one question that is killing me is if I am able to move on with her even I think she's being dishonest about the length and extent of the affair? I know it's something only I can answer, but just trying to see what the consensus is. It’s pain and indecision that’s wrecking you. Is she willing to go to marriage counselling? You know all this is besides the point. You have a broken marriage and need to get to the root of why she’s looking outside the marriage and why you have drifted apart. Edited June 22, 2022 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 (edited) What you’ve received from your wife is called “trickle truth.” It’s the reason why you can’t trust her - she hasn’t been completely honest with you which leaves you always wondering - What is she up to now? When is the other shoe going to drop? How do you trust someone who has proven to be untrustworthy? That’s the question you are asking. I don’t have the answer… Edited June 22, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 9 hours ago, OntheEdge21 said: I've tried having an honest conversation with her. Maybe she is afraid of telling me the whole truth because it will lead to divorce. But will I always be wondering if she is telling the truth now? Did she end it when she said she did? Did she continue on? What did she tell him? etc. etc. Would you divorce your wife over kissing another man? Probably not. But probably if she continues to destroy the trust, at one point you will. This ongoing destruction of trust can happen in two ways. One way is that she continues to see the guy and continues to be romantically involved with him. Imagine at some point in the future if they're kissing on a weekly basis; then it would make you feel like a loser for staying in the marriage and supporting your wife while she's out there making a joke of you behind your back. The other way is that she continues to be secretive and refuses to open up. Your trust has been damaged and that needs to be repaired or else it will erode further. You slowly get into a relationship with no trust, claim more and more personal space because you feel less and less confident to share anything anymore, and you slowly grow apart. You can bleed to death from a bullet in the heart but also from a million small punctures with a needle. I believe this is what you need to make clear. That your wife can tell you, that she's safe in that. Be a gentleman, reach out, allow her to gracefully get back on board in the marriage. But if she refuses, it's on her. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 Have you set up a "Catch 22" situation? "Tell me everything, but if you did X,Y,Z we divorce." In this case, of course you are not going to get anything. Now, if you want to ask hard questions, you need to be able to hear the hard answers. In some ways you need to decide if you want to keep the marriage, or get at the truth. My opinion, is that you, take off the table, divorce, and work with your wife on the marriage. Part of this is her coming clean on everything. Basically, "if you come clean, there is hope for reconciliation, if you cannot we are headed for divorce" So you decide what is the worst she may admit, and you decide before hand if you can "forgive" this, and stay together. The worst in your case, they had sex, and really thought about being together. She may now be committed to you, and does not want to tell the truth, as it would lead to losing you. If you want the whole truth, you are going to have to take some of the consequences off the table. Also, keep in mind you will never get all the truth, as people remember things differently. You may just get what she remembers. This is tough, and it takes time. I wish you luck..... Link to post Share on other sites
Uruktopi Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Will am I said: Would you divorce your wife over kissing another man? Probably not. I would. Not because the "transgresion" / "sin" / morals / character / vows / blah I would emotionally work my *ss lifetime to keep what both can be proud of, their mutual in love fierce choice of each other. Not at all for less than that. Edited June 22, 2022 by Uruktopi 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OntheEdge21 Posted June 22, 2022 Author Share Posted June 22, 2022 I’ve begged and pleaded with her to come clean and she is adamant that she’s told me all there is. I simply don’t believe her. This didn’t just happen, so we’ve been going back and forth on this on numerous occasions. I know posting here doesn’t help; just need to vent since no one else knows Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 18 minutes ago, OntheEdge21 said: I’ve begged and pleaded with her to come clean and she is adamant that she’s told me all there is. I simply don’t believe her. This didn’t just happen, so we’ve been going back and forth on this on numerous occasions. I know posting here doesn’t help; just need to vent since no one else knows Again, mentioning for the third time: unless you both explore the reasons why she avoids you and why you’ve drifted apart none of this gets resolved. I suggested marriage counselling. The issue occurs if either of you deny or avoid one another. There’s breakdown in trust, communication and no agreement to move forward. That’s why you’re both moving in circles. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 22 minutes ago, OntheEdge21 said: I’ve begged and pleaded with her to come clean and she is adamant that she’s told me all there is. I simply don’t believe her. Which part does she admit? And is there a part which she denies but you can prove? Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 Hey OP, I'm sorry for what you've been put through. From here on, everytime she steps out of the house, you will feel uneasy. Anxious. You'll probably wonder, who is possibly seeing? Where is she going? If you ask her, will she tell you the truth? All that fear, worry and skepticism will drain you. Pretending to be okay when you feel miserable will also drain you. It'll impact who you are as a husband and as a person and that'll impact your relationship. Once the trust is gone, it's gone. She broke it. You basically have two options at this point. Honor the commitment marriage and try to work it out. Maybe consider counselling and try to figure out why she resorted to an outside source for intimate companionship. Or, leave this behind. Without trust, there is no relationship so to make the right decision for you, you have to be real with yourself. Can you get passed this is or is that trust gone forever. Stay strong man - Beach Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 19 hours ago, OntheEdge21 said: I've tried having an honest conversation with her. Maybe she is afraid of telling me the whole truth because it will lead to divorce. But will I always be wondering if she is telling the truth now? Did she end it when she said she did? Did she continue on? What did she tell him? etc. etc. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Many have been where you are and have different perspectives. The fact that she's still hiding communication from you is not favorable. You're right, you'll probably never trust her again. I know I was never able to trust my husband again, even after I insisted on full disclosure, in front of our marriage counselor, he trickle-truthed me and tried to minimize his involvement with the OW (plural). I stayed for 18 years after D-day ("for the children" - big mistake). To this day, I am still finding out frustrating information that I was unaware of at the time. Have you had marriage counseling in the past? I think that is probably the only way to navigate through this situation with a hope of keeping your marriage together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OntheEdge21 Posted June 22, 2022 Author Share Posted June 22, 2022 When I caught her, she essentially deleted an entire text chain with him. She wouldn't tell me what was said between them and she basically only admitted to growing too close to a "friend". Subsequently i've caught a couple of isolated texts, mostly because she appears to periodically delete (I can't prove that). We haven't done marriage counseling, and I don't want to do that if she isn't going to come clean about stuff. What is the point of having marriage counseling if someone continues to lie about the relationship. I never gave her an ultimatum and I have been angry and insulting to her at times after this happened. I don't know where our relationship fell apart. I don't compliment her is one of her complaints and I am assuming he did. The worst part is that I know him, not well, but I do. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 (edited) 20 minutes ago, OntheEdge21 said: We haven't done marriage counseling, and I don't want to do that if she isn't going to come clean about stuff. What is the point of having marriage counseling if someone continues to lie about the relationship. I never gave her an ultimatum and I have been angry and insulting to her at times after this happened. It's quite possible that you would benefit from therapy on your own, especially if she won't come completely clean about the situation. At least you would have some guidance on how to proceed. It's normal for you to be angry at the situation (and her). If communication has become an issue, maybe you could look at this website: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/. Their "Sound Relationship House Theory" was an eye-opener for me, as well. Now, I just need to meet a nice man with whom I can practice the theory!: https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/ Overall, though, getting a good handle on criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling is pretty critical if you're going to communicate in a healthy, worthwhile manner with one another. I know it helped me. It didn't save either of my marriages (because the other party was not "all in") but at least I knew I was doing my best to communicate constructively. Edited June 22, 2022 by vla1120 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 16 minutes ago, OntheEdge21 said: I have been angry and insulting to her at times after this happened. I don't know where our relationship fell apart. I don't compliment her is one of her complaints and I am assuming he did. Agree that this inappropriate friendship is a symptom of much larger marital unhappiness. How can someone "come clean" to something that may not have happened? Marriage therapy is not about accusing/interrogating her further or going through her phone more, it's to put the cards on the table and decide if repairing the marriage or divorcing is the best option. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 1 hour ago, OntheEdge21 said: I never gave her an ultimatum and I have been angry and insulting to her at times after this happened. Until you know the truth you will feel this way. That is why a lie detector test would be more helpful than marriage counseling to find out the truth. If nothing happened between them then you two can go on with your marriage and set boundaries to outsiders. If something did happen between them you can decide what the next step is then. If you do nothing you will still insult her and hold on to your anger which may not be fair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OntheEdge21 Posted June 22, 2022 Author Share Posted June 22, 2022 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Agree that this inappropriate friendship is a symptom of much larger marital unhappiness. How can someone "come clean" to something that may not have happened? Marriage therapy is not about accusing/interrogating her further or going through her phone more, it's to put the cards on the table and decide if repairing the marriage or divorcing is the best option. She said she liked him, described as a crush. Like I said, I think there was more. She was emotionally unfaithful and was crushed when I made her block him. I am not crazy, I know she is hiding the entire story. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 3 minutes ago, OntheEdge21 said: She was emotionally unfaithful and was crushed when I made her block him. What does this mean? Did she break down in tears? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, understand50 said: Now, if you want to ask hard questions, you need to be able to hear the hard answers. OP, are you ready to hear the hard answers if you have to in order to find out the truth? Some people are not because they know they don't want the marriage to end. A long time ago I dated a guy whose mother's bf was cheating on her and we had the proof of him in pictures with this younger woman. He tried to give her the envelope to see for herself and she turned and walked away because she didn't want to see the truth and break up with him. Edited June 22, 2022 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
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