Is trying to save my marriage the right thing?

[lou65198]

Looking for some outside perspective. 

I am 38(f) and husband is 42(m). Been married 10 years. Have two children aged 3 and 6. 

A month ago I discovered my husband has been having affairs throughout our marriage. I know of at least 3. He also had a ONS before we even got married. Cheated on me whilst I was pregnant. 

Latest affair with most recent AP had been going on nearly a year. I suspected and found a message on his phone. He then confessed everything, facts wise. 

Said it was all sex initially. But then found out he bought most recent AP jewellery worth over £20k. Confronted him and he admitted he had feelings for her unlike the others, but wouldn’t talk about it. Tried to protect her identity but I did find out who she was. They met at work. He deleted all communication he’d had with her, so I guess I will never know the true nature of the relationship but clearly it was an emotional affair as well as physical. 

He did end it but at my insistence. Obviously if I hadn’t caught him he would have carried on. Not like he ended it and then told me. 

To say I am devastated is an understatement. This obviously wasn’t just a physical thing. He had been emotionally distant. Spending less time at home, working all the time. Very little physical intimacy with me for years. I am completely blindsided as I had no idea for years and now I have to deal with the fact he was potentially in love with this woman. He won’t talk about her. He’s been moody and withdrawn. We fight all the time. 

He has been remorseful and says he wants to stay, but given all this I think only for the kids. He says he loves me but I just don’t believe it. How can I? 

Even if I could eventually come to terms with a physical fling the fact the latest was different is a whole other level of pain. She is younger, very attractive. I just feel like my self esteem is on the floor. 

I don’t want to split up our family. But I don’t see how we can continue with me feeling like he doesn’t love me. And probably never did. How can he have done if he did this?? 

He’s in counselling but I don’t know if he is committed to change or just going through the motions now he’s been caught. Am I going to be checking on him for the rest of our lives? 

We fight all the time. I don’t know if there is anything worth saving. 

Is a marriage saveable if the husband potentially loved someone else? I just don’t know what’s what right now. My children are too young to know what’s going on really but I want to do what is right for them. They adore their dad who is otherwise a good father. 

I can’t believe I am even writing this.

[BrinnM]

This must be so painful. I’m so so sorry.

My 2 cents: I personally would not stay with a man who disrespects me that much. This affair was (or has been) a love affair, not a sex fling, and he spent a considerable amount of money on her as well. Not cool. Moreover, he’s now moody because he misses her? Yeah, that’s absolutely unacceptable, especially bc he doesn’t even hide it. If he really wants the affair behind him, and if he really wants this marriage to work out, he would show you. You would know 100%.
And even then, I’m sure it would be hard. What he puts into the marriage right now would not be enough effort for most betrayed women. 

[lou65198]

8 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

This must be so painful. I’m so so sorry.

My 2 cents: I personally would not stay with a man who disrespects me that much. This affair was (or has been) a love affair, not a sex fling, and he spent a considerable amount of money on her as well. Not cool. Moreover, he’s now moody because he misses her? Yeah, that’s absolutely unacceptable, especially bc he doesn’t even hide it. If he really wants the affair behind him, and if he really wants this marriage to work out, he would show you. You would know 100%.
And even then, I’m sure it would be hard. What he puts into the marriage right now would not be enough effort for most betrayed women. 

I don’t know for sure if it’s because he misses her that he seems so withdrawn… but it’s just that, the fact he tried to protect her, won’t talk about her all that much, not a negative word… he should have asked for the gifts to be returned IMO and he refused point blank. 
 

I know he spoke to her at least once after he ended it ‘for good’ and was apologising to her for how it had ended… Wasn’t trying to start anything up again as far as I can tell. But yeah. I know I’m going to sound bitter and jealous but it’s like the sun shines out of her a**. 
as I said if I hadn’t have found out it’s not like he would have ended it and definitely didn’t want to of his own choice. 

[BrinnM]

Yeah, it’ll be hard for you to get over that one. I know I wouldn’t. He doesn’t seem remorseful at all. More like annoyed.

Many wayward husbands do everything in their power to convince their wives that staying in the marriage is the best choice. Your H doesn’t do that. He doesn’t make things better. He protects the girlfriend more than you. I would be livid. I would go see a divorce lawyer. Apparently he has the funds to spoil a girlfriend on the side; therefore, you shouldn’t be worried about finances after you get divorced. 
 

You're in your prime now, basically; don’t waste these years on your husband’s lukewarm reconciliation efforts. You could do so much more with your life. You don’t need him. Just remember: this is not his first escapade, and it won’t be the last. Take care of your kids, learn to be careless and happy again, and start over new. It will be a challenge, but it will be rewarding. Think 3 years from now: you’ve patched it up, you decided to stay, to “try again” - but will you really be happy? Will you trust him? Will you forgive him? Completely?

Edited May 28, 2022 by BrinnM

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, lou65198 said:

A month ago I discovered my husband has been having affairs throughout our marriage. I know of at least 3. He also had a ONS before we even got married. Cheated on me whilst I was pregnant.  he bought most recent AP jewellery worth over £20k.

Sorry this is happening. See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Be frank about your husband's philandering and get tested for STDs. Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support and to unpack and sort all this out so you can make the best decision for yourself and your children.

Consult an attorney for your options in divorce. Your husband has destroyed your family already. There's no need to live a loveless life. If you were to divorce your husband would have to support his children rather than mistresses. You would also have a chance at finding a decent loving man.

Edited May 28, 2022 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

Your husband must be wealthy to be able to spend that kind of money on an affair partner.  Given this is his 4th affair (that you're aware of) I'm surprised you aren't numb to them by now.  If he's told you he's in love with this woman he means it.  Most cheating husband blame the OW for the affair but yours has deleted and hidden all of her info to make sure you don't bring any harm to her.  Your husband is now moping around because he can't be with the one he loves and is in fear he's lost her.  I personally would see a divorce lawyer at this point.  Your marriage cannot work when your husband is in love with someone else.  He's told you he still loves you.  Ask him if he's in love with you. He's been with her a year so it isn't just another fly by night affair.  He probably is staying for the kids as well as his assets.  You've said he's a good father to his kids and still will be if you get a divorce.  His love for them will never change.  You deserve to have a man who loves only you and who will be faithful to you.  

[lou65198]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Your husband must be wealthy to be able to spend that kind of money on an affair partner.  Given this is his 4th affair (that you're aware of) I'm surprised you aren't numb to them by now.  If he's told you he's in love with this woman he means it.  Most cheating husband blame the OW for the affair but yours has deleted and hidden all of her info to make sure you don't bring any harm to her.  Your husband is now moping around because he can't be with the one he loves and is in fear he's lost her.  I personally would see a divorce lawyer at this point.  Your marriage cannot work when your husband is in love with someone else.  He's told you he still loves you.  Ask him if he's in love with you. He's been with her a year so it isn't just another fly by night affair.  He probably is staying for the kids as well as his assets.  You've said he's a good father to his kids and still will be if you get a divorce.  His love for them will never change.  You deserve to have a man who loves only you and who will be faithful to you.  

Thanks for your post - he never said he loved her. But it’s more his actions say the opposite. I think he has ended it but more out of duress than anything. And as I said I could tell something was up before I found out from how he was behaving. Had no idea with the others. 
He says he has made the decision to stay as if that should be enough (!) when I question him about it and her. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, lou65198 said:

He says he has made the decision to stay as if that should be enough 

Well, he's made the decision to stay all along, but he will continue to cheat.

[Will am I]

The situation sounds pretty outrageous. it seems like he is addicted to being in love. I don’t see any other explanation as to why a man would have one affair partner after the next and just shower them with gifts like that.

I mean, he’s treating his affair partner as if he’s trying to get her into marrying him. which he is not. The whole behavior just seems like addiction to me.

[lou65198]

3 minutes ago, Will am I said:

The situation sounds pretty outrageous. it seems like he is addicted to being in love. I don’t see any other explanation as to why a man would have one affair partner after the next and just shower them with gifts like that.

I mean, he’s treating his affair partner as if he’s trying to get her into marrying him. which he is not. The whole behavior just seems like addiction to me.

It was only the most recent that he bought such extravagant gifts for. And that sort of thing is out of character for him which is why it was so devastating. 
The others seemed to be purely physical in nature. He finally said it was different with most recent AP after I found out about the gifts but no more information than that. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, lou65198 said:

It was only the most recent that he bought such extravagant gifts for.  I found out about the gifts but no more information than that. 

Check your credit score. And your husbands. What you know is the tip of the iceberg. Review tax returns, credit card bills, bank accounts, etc.

You have no idea how much he is squandering to feed his sex habits and keep his mistresses happy.

If you divorce you'll have chance at love. He will have to pay child support. Your assets will be divided. You could stay in the home with your children.

[lou65198]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Check your credit score. And your husbands. What you know is the tip of the iceberg. Review tax returns, credit card bills, bank accounts, etc.

You have no idea how much he is squandering to feed his sex habits and keep his mistresses happy.

If you divorce you'll have chance at love. He will have to pay child support. Your assets will be divided. You could stay in the home with your children.

Thank you - yes I’ve seen everything, it’s how I found out about the gifts. He didn’t tell me originally. 
Fortunately we are financially secure. Hasn’t put us at risk in any way on that front, it was more what the gifts represented and that he was using family money to pay for them. I’m still in shock. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, lou65198 said:

A month ago I discovered my husband has been having affairs throughout our marriage. I know of at least 3. He also had a ONS before we even got married. Cheated on me whilst I was pregnant. 

Do yourself a favour and file for divorce now. There is a pattern of behavior here and it would be unwise to ignore this. He doesn’t respect you. You don’t want to stay with a man who could hurt you and disrespect you in this way. 

6 hours ago, lou65198 said:

But then found out he bought most recent AP jewellery worth over £20k.

He is not only risking the stability of his family by being unfaithful… he is also risking the financial security of his family by spending an exorbitant amount of money on his affair partner!! In no way is this acceptable in a marriage. It is a different kind of betrayal - this kind of financial infidelity would be just as hurtful and disrespectful to me as the sex. 

6 hours ago, lou65198 said:

He did end it but at my insistence. Obviously if I hadn’t caught him he would have carried on.

There will be others, if not this same woman once enough time has passed. Or perhaps, they are in secret communication right now. You don’t know. He got caught with his hand in the cookie jar and you forced him to return the cookie. You should not have to parent your husband in this way. If he doesn’t have the personal integrity to do the right thing by his wife and family, there is no way that you are going to be able to force him to behave. You can not supervise him 24/7. He has a serious character flaw and people don’t change their character. He is not going to suddenly become a decent, honest, trustworthy, and faithful man. 

6 hours ago, lou65198 said:

Now I have to deal with the fact he was potentially in love with this woman.

It’s not about the woman and whether he loved her or not. It’s about the fact that your husband does not respect or value you and your children enough to not be sneaking around, cheating with a number of different women, spending your hard earned family money on his affair partners. It would not matter to me in the slightest whether he loved her or not - I’m not staying with a man who would disrespect me and my children in this way. She would be welcome to have him. 

6 hours ago, lou65198 said:

I don’t want to split up our family.

You didn’t decide to split up your family - he did, when he did not respect the boundaries of your marriage and he put the future of your family at risk. 

6 hours ago, lou65198 said:

They adore their dad who is otherwise a good father. 

Your children will adore their father even if their parents are not together. They will respect their mother if she refuses to stay with a man who would hurt and disrespect her the way that your husband has done to you. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. 

Edited May 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, lou65198 said:

He finally said it was different with most recent AP after I found out about the gifts but no more information than that. 

This pretty much proves he's in love with her.  Men don't drop that amount of money on a piece of jewelry for a women they merely care about and if he's a big fish she's unlikely to just throw him back and walk away after almost a year.  The point is how much of your life are you going to waste snooping and policing him to try to keep him faithful.  He says he's staying for the kids but one day they will leave the nest and he will no longer need them as an excuse to divorce.  Where will that leave you?

[BrinnM]

OP: I had an affair with a relatively wealthy man once, and he, too, spent a lot of $$ during our affair. On gifts, vacations, and jewelry, amongst other things. That doesn’t mean we ended up together but he definitely ended up divorced from his wife at some point. Against her will. But I think he just wanted to be free, and play the field. He’s now with somebody even younger than me, and our age difference was already significant. So what I’m saying is that if a man is willing to risk family finances, he’s willing to give up his life altogether. If he is not with that woman anymore romantically (which you don’t know!!), that does not mean that he will stay with you long-term. He might have other love interests already. And that is why my recommendation would be to just look for a lawyer to talk everything through, a lawyer who’s experienced, and to get your ducks in a row to get divorced. At least line it up! Can’t hurt. If he changes his mind, and he wants to really fight for you, trust me - you’ll know. 

[lou65198]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

This pretty much proves he's in love with her.  Men don't drop that amount of money on a piece of jewelry for a women they merely care about and if he's a big fish she's unlikely to just throw him back and walk away after almost a year.  The point is how much of your life are you going to waste snooping and policing him to try to keep him faithful.  He says he's staying for the kids but one day they will leave the nest and he will no longer need them as an excuse to divorce.  Where will that leave you?

Thanks, I know, I don’t want to feel like I have to keep checking. I’m a stay at home mum and he works very long hours. He still is, I feel like it makes it easier for him to avoid the whole thing. He is involved with the kids a lot at weekends but it’s more about them than us doing things as a family. Tbh though I feel so angry I can’t bear him being near me half the time and don’t want the kids to pick up on that if I can avoid it as much as possible, although obviously the eldest inevitably will, if not already. 
 

and yeah the money itself was bad enough but it was the intention behind it. He’s never spontaneously decided to spend that on jewellery for me. It’s just so incredibly hurtful. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, lou65198 said:

. I’m a stay at home mum and he works very long hours. He still is.

Talk to an attorney about your options in divorce. You may be able to stay in the home in addition to alimony for you and of course child support for your children.

Once you divorce, you'll be free to find a decent honest loving man. Don't stay in this trap. Don't try to reconcile. That's giving him a license to keep cheating. He doesn't love you.

He will continue to cheat. You know this so do what's best for you and your children.

I think you already know he's not "working long hours". He's leading a double life spending time with other women.

[vla1120]

16 hours ago, lou65198 said:

Is a marriage saveable if the husband potentially loved someone else? I just don’t know what’s what right now. My children are too young to know what’s going on really but I want to do what is right for them. They adore their dad who is otherwise a good father. 

I can’t believe I am even writing this.

He made the decision to stay, as if that's doing you a favor?? I am sorry you are going through this. If it were a one off and he was truly remorseful, maybe there would be a chance to save the marriage, but it seems he is a serial cheater. You have to think really long and hard about what your life will look like moving forward if you stay with him. You'll never be able to trust him. You're already fighting a lot and (speaking from experience) staying together for the children is NOT always the best thing. Children adjust and will do much better in a situation where both parents are happy in their lives and able to successfully co-parent. 

Consult with a good attorney who will look after the best interest of you and your children. Again, I am sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself!

[Will am I]

8 hours ago, lou65198 said:

Thanks, I know, I don’t want to feel like I have to keep checking. I’m a stay at home mum and he works very long hours. He still is, I feel like it makes it easier for him to avoid the whole thing. He is involved with the kids a lot at weekends but it’s more about them than us doing things as a family. Tbh though I feel so angry I can’t bear him being near me half the time and don’t want the kids to pick up on that if I can avoid it as much as possible, although obviously the eldest inevitably will, if not already. 
 

and yeah the money itself was bad enough but it was the intention behind it. He’s never spontaneously decided to spend that on jewellery for me. It’s just so incredibly hurtful. 

Your life with your husband may be comfortable (being able to be a SAHM and have financial security).

But at the same time I feel it’s degrading to you as a woman to be in this position.

If you get a divorce. you will probably be able to live for a while on the asset division and alimony and child support. In the longer run, you will probably need to work and earn an income. In terms of comfort, it’s likely that you will lose. In terms of dignity, you have the world to gain.

I didn’t get the gender of your children. But if one or more are girls, the role model thing is a big factor to consider too. 

 

[lou65198]

5 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Your life with your husband may be comfortable (being able to be a SAHM and have financial security).

But at the same time I feel it’s degrading to you as a woman to be in this position.

If you get a divorce. you will probably be able to live for a while on the asset division and alimony and child support. In the longer run, you will probably need to work and earn an income. In terms of comfort, it’s likely that you will lose. In terms of dignity, you have the world to gain.

I didn’t get the gender of your children. But if one or more are girls, the role model thing is a big factor to consider too. 

 

One boy and one girl. 

I’m in the UK and we have very generous laws in here in regards to spousal maintenance so I’m not worried in the respect. He is a high earner and I don’t actually think he would make things difficult on that front. It’s just getting my head around the fact what I thought the future would be has potentially disappeared. I can’t trust the memories of the past. 
thank you for your support it is much appreciated. 

 

 

[Will am I]

2 minutes ago, lou65198 said:

One boy and one girl. 

I’m in the UK and we have very generous laws in here in regards to spousal maintenance so I’m not worried in the respect. He is a high earner and I don’t actually think he would make things difficult on that front. It’s just getting my head around the fact what I thought the future would be has potentially disappeared. I can’t trust the memories of the past. 
thank you for your support it is much appreciated. 

 

 

Asset division will often leave you with a cash sum, but that’s a one-off. Spousal and child support payments are structural, but in most jurisdictions they are time limited. I believe in my country the spouse payments end after 5-12 years depending on the age of the children.

It probably varies by jurisdiction, but from 38 until retirement and beyond… I don’t think the payments will last that long anywhere.
 

That leaves you with two choices: enter the labour market or find another spouse who will support you.

Let’s be very frank about these alternatives. Neither one is all lovely and pittoresque.

 

Finding work tends to become increasingly difficult with age. In some countries that effect is bigger than in others, but it is definitely something to consider. If you want to work, it may be a good idea to start relatively soon (even if you don’t need to work for financial reasons just yet).

 

Then the alternative to enter a second marriage. First, a period of hurt and grief (while trying to run a family with young children, grieving over your lost marriage and future is only possible in part time). Then, finding some sense of healing and self confidence. Then, finding an eligible new life partner. I figure it may take anywhere between one and five years before you’ll be ready to start building a nee relationship.

Most candidates you will meet will have a past of their own. Often with children. I’ve seen people put together compound families. It can be done, but I believe it’s truly one of the most challenging tasks out there.

Plus, first and foremost, you may have your reservations against being financially dependent on a man after your experiences in this marriage.

 

Myself, I have seriously divorce too. One thought that kept coming back is: things were so much easier when we were young. Divorce wouldn’t rewind my life and make me a bachelor in my twenties again. It would make me a hurt father of two and ex husband of one in my forties. Very different situation with very different perspectives.

 

As a final thought (for now): there’s the balancing between the mom you want to be and the role model you want to be. There is a bit of dilemma here. A mother who’s always right there in the home,  ready to love and support her children through their hurt. And a mother who sets a strong example of a woman taking care of herself and providing for her family. I bet you want your children to have both.

I can’t help you choose, only provide a few outsider perspectives on your situation.

 

Wishing you clarity, strength and ultimately the healing of a broken heart and broken dignity.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, lou65198 said:

Is a marriage saveable if the husband potentially loved someone else?

In your case, I don't believe so.

I say that because he has never been fully committed to you. He's been cheating on and off throughout your whole marriage. This is a man whose heart isn't with you, and I am not sure it ever has been. He doesn't appear to be in love with you and instead has fallen for someone else. I don't say that to drive it in deeper, but his behaviour is sending some very loud messages here. My strong assumption is that he wil eventually find a way to make contact with his AP again, or he will meet another one altogether. He's been at this for years, after all. 

I am really sorry. This is no way to have a marriage, and he's a piece of dung. 

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, lou65198 said:

Tbh though I feel so angry I can’t bear him being near me half the time and don’t want the kids to pick up on that if I can avoid it as much as possible, although obviously the eldest inevitably will, if not already. 

I don't blame you, I'd feel the same way.  With both of you only being there because of the kids and never doing things together as a couple he isn't looking at you as a romantic partner; but the mother who takes care of his kids.  You look at him as the cheating b you married who you can't trust.  Have you guys ever gone to marriage counseling or talked about it?

[BrinnM]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

first and foremost, you may have your reservations against being financially dependent on a man after your experiences in this marriage.

 

Well, I think earning her own money is the only option anyway. If she meets a new guy who wants to marry her, it’s not very likely that he wants her to be a SAHM, and pay for that lifestyle. Besides, most guys in that age-group will be divorced with children themselves, which comes with enough financial obligations already. They need a partner who contributes equally to the household budget. The alternative is a guy who has never been married/no kids, and that guy will also want a partner who contributes, not a partner who stays at home with kids that aren’t even his. Getting remarried as a long-term financial plan is a really bad idea. 
@lou65198Do you have a degree or professional experience at all?

[lou65198]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't blame you, I'd feel the same way.  With both of you only being there because of the kids and never doing things together as a couple he isn't looking at you as a romantic partner; but the mother who takes care of his kids.  You look at him as the cheating b you married who you can't trust.  Have you guys ever gone to marriage counseling or talked about it?

Not prior to now, maybe we should have done. Intimacy wasn’t really high on the agenda - he works very long hours even if he’s working from home and we’ll often go to bed at different times. We’ve been together a long time and that thing sort of falls by the wayside. I guess for a long time we’ve been more just co-parents than lovers/ husband and wife in that sense. He hadn’t even been trying to initiate much on that front (I know why now!) but he never had an issue with it (know why now too!!) 

I’m also not his usual ‘type’ physically. He’s never said that in a horrible way just I know he tends to go for petite, curvy blondes. Guess what AP looks like!! Textbook! 

He hasn’t tried to be affectionate with me since I found out. Can barely be in the same room, unless we have to be for the kids. 
I can’t imagine us being intimate ever again right now quite frankly. If we have counselling I’m sure it will come up just not sure I can think about it at the moment because all I can think about is him with her. 
In a way I wish I’d never found out who she was or what she looked like.