Is trying to save my marriage the right thing?

[lou65198]

16 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Well, I think earning her own money is the only option anyway. If she meets a new guy who wants to marry her, it’s not very likely that he wants her to be a SAHM, and pay for that lifestyle. Besides, most guys in that age-group will be divorced with children themselves, which comes with enough financial obligations already. They need a partner who contributes equally to the household budget. The alternative is a guy who has never been married/no kids, and that guy will also want a partner who contributes, not a partner who stays at home with kids that aren’t even his. Getting remarried as a long-term financial plan is a really bad idea. 
@lou65198Do you have a degree or professional experience at all?

I had a job before I had the kids although earned nowhere near as much as my husband so it just made no sense to carry on working. 
I’ve not been out of work for a really long amount of time and could work again even just for the independence once youngest is in school. 
It’s probably something I would discuss with a lawyer if I go down that route in terms of what I would get maintenance wise and whether I’d need to work again. 

[BaileyB]

Definitely something to discuss with your lawyer. You may not need to work if your husband is paying spousal support and child support - but, the spousal support could be time limited. And, child support is obviously time limited. And then, should you ever decide to marry again, it’s highly likely that the spousal support would end. And, as was said above, highly doubtful that another man will want to support you and your children financially should you decide to continue as a stay at home mom. 

No decisions need to me made immediately - ie, no need to file for divorce or run out to find a job this week. That said, you would be wise to consult a lawyer and educate yourself on the process and your options. With knowledge, comes power.

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, BrinnM said:

Well, I think earning her own money is the only option anyway. 

That is also my expectation. But I didn’t want to push OP’s reasoning into a specific direction yet. I’d rather sketch the options and the best one for OP will automatically become clear.

 

1 hour ago, lou65198 said:

In a way I wish I’d never found out who she was or what she looked like. 

Very understandable response. But in time you will realize that you don’t have a problem with the OW but with your unfaithful husband. 

It could just as well have been the previous or the next blonde young lady that set these wheels in motion. With your husband’s behaviour this was bound to happen.

[lou65198]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

That is also my expectation. But I didn’t want to push OP’s reasoning into a specific direction yet. I’d rather sketch the options and the best one for OP will automatically become clear.

 

Very understandable response. But in time you will realize that you don’t have a problem with the OW but with your unfaithful husband. 

It could just as well have been the previous or the next blonde young lady that set these wheels in motion. With your husband’s behaviour this was bound to happen.

I know it just hurts that little bit more that he is clearly so physically attracted to her. It would somehow be easier if she were even a little average looking but she’s not at all. In all honesty she is way out of his league! Just another thing that made it so shocking. Maybe why he was lavishing her with so many gifts! 🙄 
And now I just feel I will always be mentally comparing myself to her unfavourably now. It could have been anyone. But she was the one he obviously has feelings for, so that makes it hard. 
 

thanks for all the support just helps to get some outside views and just confirm what I know but I just question myself all the time. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, lou65198 said:

I had a job before I had the kids although earned nowhere near as much as my husband so it just made no sense to carry on working. 
I’ve not been out of work for a really long amount of time and could work again even just for the independence once youngest is in school. 
It’s probably something I would discuss with a lawyer if I go down that route in terms of what I would get maintenance wise and whether I’d need to work again. 

This is the route to take.  Working automatically raises your self esteem and is good for the mind because you won't have time to think about your soon to be ex husband.

[Starswillshine]

I was in this same exact situation. Together 20 years, 4 kids. SAHM for over a decade. 

Please whatever you do.... get a consult with an attorney quick. Sometimes you can make critical mistakes that can be proven costly should you pursue a divorce. Please protect yourself and your children. 

It took me a long time to come to terms that there was no way to stay in my marriage and be happy. I ultimately divorced him. His affair (and the learning of all the previous affairs) truly became the best thing for me. 

But it may take awhile to get over the shell shock, to get over the bargaining between the heart and mind. 

I'm 5 years removed from the divorce. Just finished my degree. Starting a new career and planning a wedding for next year. I'm happier than I ever was. I thought our marriage was perfect, but that underlining disrespect was always present.... I just didn't know what it was. 

 

[lou65198]

3 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I was in this same exact situation. Together 20 years, 4 kids. SAHM for over a decade. 

Please whatever you do.... get a consult with an attorney quick. Sometimes you can make critical mistakes that can be proven costly should you pursue a divorce. Please protect yourself and your children. 

It took me a long time to come to terms that there was no way to stay in my marriage and be happy. I ultimately divorced him. His affair (and the learning of all the previous affairs) truly became the best thing for me. 

But it may take awhile to get over the shell shock, to get over the bargaining between the heart and mind. 

I'm 5 years removed from the divorce. Just finished my degree. Starting a new career and planning a wedding for next year. I'm happier than I ever was. I thought our marriage was perfect, but that underlining disrespect was always present.... I just didn't know what it was. 

 

Thanks for your response. I do feel like I am being pulled in all directions! How long before you realised you had to leave? 
 

Thanks for sharing it gives me hope there may be a life beyond this, just hard to see when you’re in it isn’t it? 

[Starswillshine]

7 minutes ago, lou65198 said:

Thanks for your response. I do feel like I am being pulled in all directions! How long before you realised you had to leave? 
 

Thanks for sharing it gives me hope there may be a life beyond this, just hard to see when you’re in it isn’t it? 

I tried for 18 months after initially learning of an affair. It was 18 months of pure hell. What was once a marriage where we never fought (we handled things as a team, and when we disagreed we would sit down and talk through it to we both came to a solution we were both on board with) to one where we locked ourselves in our room for hours each night screaming and throwing things. It became toxic. I was ANGRY and he just wanted me to get over it. We would have times that we seemed to cling to each other white knuckled, but I think it was because we both knew there was no way to come out on the other side. My oldest daughter was a teenager at the time. And I remember she seemed angry with me. I couldn't figure out why. I felt like she saw me as so weak and pathetic. And I think that was one of the things that pushed me. 

Just last week, she sent me some long text in the middle of night while I was sleeping. She isn't one to get emotional nor sappy, so it really meant a lot. She talked a lot about how I was the strongest person she knew and how much she looked up to me. 

We always want to do best by our kids. And let me say, chosing to end our marriage was hard on my kids, especially my youngest 2, but... the kids are watching. And what decisions you make matter. My son learned that it is not a way to treat the woman he loves. My daughters learned you do not have accept that behavior.

My kids also now have an amazing step dad who is super involved and present in their lives. My ex husband traveled often and worked long hours (so I thought). While he would be at their events if he wasn't "working", he missed out on a lot. My soon to be husband is at EVERYTHING. They now have a good example of a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries and loads of respect that wasn't always present before. 

[lou65198]

20 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I tried for 18 months after initially learning of an affair. It was 18 months of pure hell. What was once a marriage where we never fought (we handled things as a team, and when we disagreed we would sit down and talk through it to we both came to a solution we were both on board with) to one where we locked ourselves in our room for hours each night screaming and throwing things. It became toxic. I was ANGRY and he just wanted me to get over it. We would have times that we seemed to cling to each other white knuckled, but I think it was because we both knew there was no way to come out on the other side. My oldest daughter was a teenager at the time. And I remember she seemed angry with me. I couldn't figure out why. I felt like she saw me as so weak and pathetic. And I think that was one of the things that pushed me. 

Just last week, she sent me some long text in the middle of night while I was sleeping. She isn't one to get emotional nor sappy, so it really meant a lot. She talked a lot about how I was the strongest person she knew and how much she looked up to me. 

We always want to do best by our kids. And let me say, chosing to end our marriage was hard on my kids, especially my youngest 2, but... the kids are watching. And what decisions you make matter. My son learned that it is not a way to treat the woman he loves. My daughters learned you do not have accept that behavior.

My kids also now have an amazing step dad who is super involved and present in their lives. My ex husband traveled often and worked long hours (so I thought). While he would be at their events if he wasn't "working", he missed out on a lot. My soon to be husband is at EVERYTHING. They now have a good example of a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries and loads of respect that wasn't always present before. 

I’m so glad to hear you’re in a better place now. I think it’s natural to be overwhelmed by fear in the beginning. I change between being furious but also terrified at the same time. It’s so conflicting. In some ways as well I think part of you feels you need to do everything possible so you don’t regret the decision later on, even though ultimately it may be the best one. I just don’t want to make a rash decision to instigate divorce and regret it later. Or think I should have done more to keep us together for the kids.

was your XH in love with any of his APs? Or do you think it was purely sexual? 
 

it’s good that your children now have a healthy role model. I do think whatever happens my husband will be a great father but I can’t even imagine another relationship right now. 

[Starswillshine]

24 minutes ago, lou65198 said:

I’m so glad to hear you’re in a better place now. I think it’s natural to be overwhelmed by fear in the beginning. I change between being furious but also terrified at the same time. It’s so conflicting. In some ways as well I think part of you feels you need to do everything possible so you don’t regret the decision later on, even though ultimately it may be the best one. I just don’t want to make a rash decision to instigate divorce and regret it later. Or think I should have done more to keep us together for the kids.

was your XH in love with any of his APs? Or do you think it was purely sexual? 
 

it’s good that your children now have a healthy role model. I do think whatever happens my husband will be a great father but I can’t even imagine another relationship right now. 

Yes, for certain! I knew i had to try to keep our marriage together. We both did individual counseling and then we had 1 couple's session but he mocked the therapist, and that was just another check in the "should divorce" column for me.

I'm pretty certain he didn't "love" any of them. I believe he is just the type that can never be monogamous. He wants too many different things from a woman and he solves that by having women. Even now as he has a live-in girlfriend, he goes on trips with other women frequently. It is just things she does not enjoy doing. He has about 10 different women who are his "best friends." None of them know each other, they are just women he does things with and I'm sure string along... throw money at them, etc. 

I think your biggest hurdle is not that your husband had feelings for this woman, but it is that he is a serial cheat. This is not his first affair. If it was, and even with the feelings involved, it could still be salvageable with a lot of work. But I am afraid the chances are extremely low with him being a serial cheater. 

[glows]

I just wanted to add support if you choose divorce down the line. Your children and you will cope, even with coparenting and adjusting to a new reality. All of this is a shock to you now but you will adapt. 

I agree he is a serial cheater yet even once is difficult enough and never excuses the actions of someone who deceives a wife/partner and family. The financial infidelity alone would make me halt hard in my tracks. 

Do start gathering everything you need to know from a lawyer. Seek private counselling if you need space to discuss issues and have reservations about the past/present/future of yourself, your kids. My heart goes out to you and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

 

[Will am I]

13 hours ago, lou65198 said:

I know it just hurts that little bit more that he is clearly so physically attracted to her. It would somehow be easier if she were even a little average looking but she’s not at all. In all honesty she is way out of his league! Just another thing that made it so shocking.

Forgive me, but I don't understand this.

I totally understand how demeaning it can be that your husband chooses to spend his love (time , attention, best behaviour, money) on another woman. But why should the physical appearance of the OW matter to you at all? 

 

Quote

And now I just feel I will always be mentally comparing myself to her unfavourably now. It could have been anyone. But she was the one he obviously has feelings for, so that makes it hard. 
 

I think this line answers the question I posted above. Your husband's infidelity has you feeling insecure about yourself. This is your insecurity speaking. 

It seems to me as if you hold on to a mental image of your husband "climbing some sort of ladder", towards women with more of a certain "playmate of the month" appeal. And the image has you feeling left behind at the bottom of the ladder. 

I suggest you make a conscious decision to step away from this line of thought and realize that this infidelity is not about you. It's about him. Let this thought sink in for a bit: he's the one with the problem (even though you suffer severe consequences of his problem). 

 

I believe that most of all, infidelity in men is a sign of a low self-confidence. It seems to fit a larger pattern: working long hours away from his family to pursue bigger and bigger financial successes. Repeatedly chasing behind other women and in his choice of affair partners going for the type that Americans sometimes refer to as a "trophy wife" (5'4", 34c/22/34, peroxide blonde). Add an Audi or a BMW and the picture is complete.

 

Quote

thanks for all the support just helps to get some outside views and just confirm what I know but I just question myself all the time. 

 

Don't let these feelings of insecurity get to you. You seem to have a realistic view on the situation and your reasoning is logical and sound.

 

My view on your situation is that you're married to a man who has unfortunately not turned out to be "marriage material", presumably because of some emotional issues plus a bad mentality towards you. The situation right now has shaken the very ground that you stand on, because much of your shared past is invalidated and your perceived future is now a void. I believe that it's normal that you would jump between strong (and sometimes opposed) emotions, there is no need to doubt your judgement.

You are a sane person.

Edited May 30, 2022 by Will am I

[lou65198]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

Forgive me, but I don't understand this.

I totally understand how demeaning it can be that your husband chooses to spend his love (time , attention, best behaviour, money) on another woman. But why should the physical appearance of the OW matter to you at all? 

It seems to me as if you hold on to a mental image of your husband "climbing some sort of ladder", towards women with more of a certain "playmate of the month" appeal. And the image has you feeling left behind at the bottom of the ladder. 

 

I would say it’s not just her physical appearance. I think it would be easier to handle if she were just some ‘trophy’ as it would be more likely to be a shallow, meaningless fling if that makes sense?  
She’s naturally beautiful and a lawyer so obviously also smart. And the thing is (and I know this will sound strange in the context!) my husband has never really been the type to chase after the next bit of skirt. He’s quite shy. Doesn’t seem himself as some kind of ‘lothario’. At least I didn’t think so. That’s why it’s been hard to bear. I genuinely don’t think he does it as an ego boost, he’s never really been arrogant in that way? I don’t know. 
we got together quite young so maybe part of him couldn’t handle the thought of giving up the novelty of someone new. I’m obviously not making excuses I think it’s just my brain trying to make sense of something that will never make sense!! 
 

so yeah I just think if she were some bimbo I could put it down to just sex. If their relationship was actually meaningful, it makes what we had even less meaningful. That’s how it feels anyway. It’s just more of a threat I suppose. So it’s not really an issue of her physical appearance per se although it’s part of it. That and the other affairs were more short lived and stopped naturally whereas with her it was different. I know I shouldn’t be comparing but it’s hard. 
 

In moments of anger I said if he’d left he wouldn’t see the kids as much and now I just feel like that’s why he’s staying and it’s my own fault. I know I shouldn’t have done it but I’ve just been furious and terrified. 

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, lou65198 said:

And the thing is (and I know this will sound strange in the context!) my husband has never really been the type to chase after the next bit of skirt. Doesn’t seem himself as some kind of ‘lothario’.

It does sound strange, considering that your husband has had multiple affairs and he has quite literally cheated on you during your entire marriage.

The simple truth is - the man you thought you married does not exist.

And while I can understand why it is especially hurtful to think that he has feelings for his most recent affair partner - the fact that he has affair partners at all is the problem. Your husband is an unrepentant serial cheater - there is no possible explanation or excuse that makes this acceptable behavior in a marriage. 

Edited May 30, 2022 by BaileyB

[lou65198]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It does sound strange, considering that your husband has had multiple affairs and he has quite literally cheated on you during your entire marriage.
 

I know. I just can’t believe he has hidden it so well. It’s literally like I married a total stranger. That this whole part of him I never saw. Not even a hint of it. 

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, lou65198 said:

I know. I just can’t believe he has hidden it so well. It’s literally like I married a total stranger. That this whole part of him I never saw. Not even a hint of it. 

I can only imagine how difficult that would be to come to terms with. But for your own sake, I hope you are able to accept this for what it really is - 

Are you going to talk with a lawyer this week?

[lou65198]

It’s half term this week so DH is at home. 
I will once he’s back at work. Thank you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lou65198 said:

so yeah I just think if she were some bimbo I could put it down to just sex. If their relationship was actually meaningful, it makes what we had even less meaningful.

The thing is?  You didn't have what you thought you had, anyway. 

By that I mean that he's been lying to you since the beginning and therefore has never been all-in with you. So the issue of this particular affair being about more than sex actually isn't particularly relevant. What is relevant is that he doesn't love you the way a husband should. 

He's not in the marriage for the right reasons. Or at least, not for the reasons you are. Him having mutiple affairs is a byproduct of bigger problems: his utter lack of respect for you, his absurdly selfish and reckless mindset, and the fact that he evidently just doesn't have those deep feelings for you. All of this is what makes this marriage irreparable, I believe. Because those problems have always been there, even if you didn't really know it until recently. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, lou65198 said:

I would say it’s not just her physical appearance. I think it would be easier to handle if she were just some ‘trophy’ as it would be more likely to be a shallow, meaningless fling if that makes sense?  
She’s naturally beautiful and a lawyer so obviously also smart. And the thing is (and I know this will sound strange in the context!) my husband has never really been the type to chase after the next bit of skirt. He’s quite shy. Doesn’t seem himself as some kind of ‘lothario’. At least I didn’t think so. That’s why it’s been hard to bear. I genuinely don’t think he does it as an ego boost, he’s never really been arrogant in that way? I don’t know. 
we got together quite young so maybe part of him couldn’t handle the thought of giving up the novelty of someone new. I’m obviously not making excuses I think it’s just my brain trying to make sense of something that will never make sense!! 
 

so yeah I just think if she were some bimbo I could put it down to just sex. If their relationship was actually meaningful, it makes what we had even less meaningful. That’s how it feels anyway. It’s just more of a threat I suppose. So it’s not really an issue of her physical appearance per se although it’s part of it. That and the other affairs were more short lived and stopped naturally whereas with her it was different. I know I shouldn’t be comparing but it’s hard. 
 

In moments of anger I said if he’d left he wouldn’t see the kids as much and now I just feel like that’s why he’s staying and it’s my own fault. I know I shouldn’t have done it but I’ve just been furious and terrified. 

“Bimbos” were still putting your family at health risk for STDs. Each “bimbo” had the potential to become financial risks. And each “bimbo” he had a fling with took time and attention away from your marriage and violated your marriage vows. 

This behaviour has gone on so long you’ve learned to categorize and explain it in neat boxes right down the category of female. It’s normalized for you. The truth is none of it was ok and his behaviour was a ticking bomb. It was only a matter of time before the marriage would be destroyed. Don’t keep making these excuses for him or the losses in your marriage resulting from his infidelity.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/28/2022 at 11:56 AM, lou65198 said:

A month ago I discovered my husband has been having affairs throughout our marriage. Latest affair with most recent AP had been going on nearly a year. I suspected and found a message on his phone.

Said it was all sex initially. But then found out he bought most recent AP jewellery worth over £20k. Confronted him and he admitted he had feelings for her unlike the others, but wouldn’t talk about it.

Is it an engagement ring? He may have told her divorce is imminent or she threatened to leave or tell you.

Contact the woman and ask her about the jewelry and explain that you know nothing about a divorce and he claims he ended it.

You husband's feelings and their affair will not end simply because you found out. He's still lying and denying.

Stop hurting yourself by comparing yourself to her. It's not about her.

[Will am I]

50 minutes ago, lou65198 said:

I would say it’s not just her physical appearance. I think it would be easier to handle if she were just some ‘trophy’ as it would be more likely to be a shallow, meaningless fling if that makes sense?  
She’s naturally beautiful and a lawyer so obviously also smart.

What I read in your reasoning, is that you seem to compare yourself to the OW. And because she's attractive on more than one level, you seem to look up to her (at least a part of you seems to yield to that direction). I understand how that that violates your self esteem. You are in the "wife" position which is the more honourable position, yet you find yourself looking up to the person in the "mistress" position. Maybe it would be easier if the OW weren't so pretty, or (even better) if she were dumb as an arse, maybe then it would be easier to look down on the OW and the cosmic balance would be restored.

 

Can I offer you another angle on this person?

She may be good looking and smart and successful, but she's probably very damaged too.

She sounds like a woman with enough choice of potential partners, yet she gets it on with your husband. That's not out of necessity, because she could have chosen any other man. What your husband represents in that relationship, is the unavailable partner. He made himself available to her, but a married man is never fully available. All that MM have to offer is the back seat as the OW. Why would she get herself into such a situation if she has better options with other partners who would be much more dedicated to her and have an actual future to offer? 

I have come to believe that women who opt for the OW position have emotional or psychological issues. Maybe a lack of self esteem, maybe a certain resistance against letting the partner come too close (whilst still craving for love and intimacy as much as the next woman). For all we know, the OW could be an abuse victim or have suffered a childhood full of violence and neglect.

This angle makes the OW look a little bit less enviable. It also makes your husband a little bit guiltier. Because he is not only hurting you, he is also taking advantage of OW's weakness.

 

50 minutes ago, lou65198 said:

 

And the thing is (and I know this will sound strange in the context!) my husband has never really been the type to chase after the next bit of skirt. He’s quite shy. Doesn’t seem himself as some kind of ‘lothario’. At least I didn’t think so. That’s why it’s been hard to bear. I genuinely don’t think he does it as an ego boost, he’s never really been arrogant in that way? I don’t know. 

So he was never the ladies' man when he was young, before he met you. And then, he found himself an attractive woman who became his wife, started a family, added financial success, and he started looking at himself more and more as a desireable partner and he overcame his shyness. But somewhere deep down there is still the person who was too shy to approach the pretty girl in school and the hurt ego from those days.

To me this sounds like rich soil for infidelity. So I don;t think it sounds strange at all.

50 minutes ago, lou65198 said:

 

we got together quite young so maybe part of him couldn’t handle the thought of giving up the novelty of someone new. I’m obviously not making excuses I think it’s just my brain trying to make sense of something that will never make sense!! 
 

Where you write "novelty", try "conquest" and "affirmation".

 

50 minutes ago, lou65198 said:

so yeah I just think if she were some bimbo I could put it down to just sex. 

When you get close with someone, there's always the risk that you could fall in love.

That's what happened. They got close and they fell in love.

In this case, the OW didn't let your husband get too close because she's a bimbo. She had other reasons or problems which led her upto it. But the root is the "getting too close", not the "falling in love" part.

 

50 minutes ago, lou65198 said:

If their relationship was actually meaningful, it makes what we had even less meaningful. That’s how it feels anyway. It’s just more of a threat I suppose. So it’s not really an issue of her physical appearance per se although it’s part of it. That and the other affairs were more short lived and stopped naturally whereas with her it was different. I know I shouldn’t be comparing but it’s hard. 

I understand that you feel as if not only your future but also your past has been invalidated.

One moment you think you have a life together between the two of you. The next moment you find out that there was a third person, with considerable intimacy and for a considerable amount of time. And others before her, dating way back. Every precious memory you have of the two of you, you can ask yourself "how real was this?". It's a mudslide.

 

50 minutes ago, lou65198 said:

In moments of anger I said if he’d left he wouldn’t see the kids as much and now I just feel like that’s why he’s staying and it’s my own fault. I know I shouldn’t have done it but I’ve just been furious and terrified. 

I understand your emotions. But please don't do that thing where the children become a weapon in the fight between their mom and dad.

The children are innocent. When you say to your husband "you're not seeing the children", you're also saying to your children "you're not seeing your dad".

 

This must be to hard on you, being there for your children while internally you're falling apart. Do you have parents and do they get along well with the children? I think it may be good if your children can stay with their grandparents for a few days. Do you have a good friend who can come over? I would recommend a strong dose of friendship, one bottle of wine and a big box of kleenex.

 

Don't move out of the house. It can be explained as abandoning your children and it may hurt your court case over custody and visitation. If anyone needs to leave, it must be your husband.

[lou65198]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it an engagement ring? He may have told her divorce is imminent or she threatened to leave or tell you.

Contact the woman and ask her about the jewelry and explain that you know nothing about a divorce and he claims he ended it.

You husband's feelings and their affair will not end simply because you found out. He's still lying and denying.

Stop hurting yourself by comparing yourself to her. It's not about her.

No not an engagement ring. A diamond necklace apparently. 

So I was with him in the room when he called her to end it originally. I needed to know he’d done it. She wasn’t on speaker phone but from what he was saying it was clear she suspected it wasn’t ‘him’, ie I think she guessed he was being overheard and wasn’t buying it. It was a few days after I found out but they had been in contact in the interim. 
 

I actually don’t think the affair has continued. For now. Feelings are another matter. I made sure he deleted her number but in all honesty I guess he could have saved it somewhere or contacted her since from work, I wouldn’t know that even if I have access to everything else. I don’t think he’s actually seen her as he’s been home a lot and I’d probably know from bank statements / any spending on that front. 
I wanted him to get her to return the gift but he point blank refused to ask. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, lou65198 said:

I wanted him to get her to return the gift but he point blank refused to ask. 

She doesn't have to return gifts. She knows you found out and the call was you standing over him. This will not stop their love affair. He does not want to risk hurting her or losing her. He is going through the motions with you to prevent an expensive divorce.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lou65198 said:

I made sure he deleted her number but in all honesty I guess he could have saved it somewhere or contacted her since from work

Not only this, but deleting isn't the same as blocking. All she'd have to do is call or message him, and it's back in his phone. 

And even if he blocks her, there are plenty of ways they could work around that and make contact.

OP, even though it hurts like hell, you seem to have a pretty clear grasp on things and know what's what here. I am sure you realize that deleting or blocking her is really just putting a Band-Aid on a gushing wound. She could disappear forever but that wound would stil be gushing because the marriage is so broken, in and of itself. 

Wishing you strength through this. He's a piece of manure. 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 5/29/2022 at 4:19 PM, lou65198 said:

I know it just hurts that little bit more that he is clearly so physically attracted to her. It would somehow be easier if she were even a little average looking but she’s not at all.

I disagree that it would be easier if she looked average. You're telling yourself this.  Cheating betrayal hurts no matter what even if the extramarital lover is ugly. Sadly you keep rationalizing this.