KateS92 Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 I started dating a guy at the start of the year. On the first date I wasn’t actually that keen but the date went well and we ended up sleeping together. I wasn’t too bothered about seeing him again but he messaged me soon after and arranged a second date which I agreed to. Second date went really well and from there I started to get feelings. We carried on dating for another six weeks, he made a lot of effort with me even driving hours to come see me just for dinner. We hadn’t slept together again since the first date. Everything was going really well we would have phone calls most days text regularly, my feels grew stronger and he even said to me he could see himself in a relationship with me. Then one weekend we decided to book a hotel and spend a bit more time together. The evening came we had a great night, went for drinks dinner and sex or course! The next morning he was super off with me. We went for breakfast and he was just silent. I didn’t make a thing of it and put it down to him being tired. We went back to the room had sex again and then he said he was feeling super tired and wanted to go home rather than spend the day with me like we had planned. We left the hotel and he kissed me goodbye then it was almost like he couldn’t get away quick enough, he literally vanished into thin air! I had a feeling I’d never see him again. I got home and thought I’d wait to see if he messaged me first. He did saying thanks for a lovely weekend and hopes I got home ok. We went back and forth a few times with me sending the last message of these evening. The next day I didn’t hear from him at all. I knew something was up as he’d been so good at messaging even when he was busy. I saw he was out with friends as he posted on his insta story. I didn’t chase. He text the next day saying sorry he had been out. I replied a few hours later just saying hope he had a good night and told him about my day and then nothing again… Then finally the next morning and got a long message basically just saying that he’s head had changed and he no longer saw anything long term with me. He was nice in his message and he let me down gently (even tho I think i deserved a call at least!) anyways he assured me it was nothing I’d said or done but I was just completely blind sided by this. Things had been going so well literally days before then we have this weekend away and it felt like I’d given him the ick. I’ve been going over and over trying to figure out if I said something of did something and it’s driving me insane and I’m really finding it hard to move on. It’s knocked my confidence so much. I’m just completely stumped. I deleted him off socials and I no longer have his number but I keep going down that black hole. I just don’t get what I did wrong. How can things be so perfect and then just over in a matter of days? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 (edited) 30 minutes ago, KateS92 said: he made a lot of effort with me even driving hours to come see me just for dinner. Then one weekend we decided to book a hotel and spend a bit more time together. He did saying thanks for a lovely weekend and hopes I got home ok. Then finally the next morning and got a long message basically just saying that he’s head had changed and he no longer saw anything long term with me Sorry this happened. How did you meet? How far apart are you? Have you been to his home? Is it possible he is married/in a relationship? It doesn't seem like anything you did anything wrong, so don't let that get to you. Edited June 22, 2022 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 (edited) Sorry to tell you this but I think it was the sex. He wasn't happy the first time you guys did it ;but thought it was because it was too soon so he thought he would wait it out, take you away and see if it was better. He didn't think it was better so he did it again and was disappointed, then tried again the 3rd time and then he knew he was wasting your time and his so he ended it. I'm sorry it's just a compatiblity issue and not you. Edited June 22, 2022 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
Pix Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 Hey, I am sorry this happened to you. I don't think it has anything to do with you, maybe his ex contacted him or he got scared or something like that. Based on my experience, he'll come around sooner or later. But I don't think his attitude is what you're looking for on the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 6 hours ago, Pix said: I don't think it has anything to do with you, maybe his ex contacted him I was thinking the same. Something happened that weekend, but I am not convinced it's something you did or didn't do. I realize it feels that way when you noticed such a sudden shift, but I would try not to dwell on that. In time, it will sting less and you will see that this wasn't the guy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Pix Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I was thinking the same. Something happened that weekend, but I am not convinced it's something you did or didn't do. I realize it feels that way when you noticed such a sudden shift, but I would try not to dwell on that. In time, it will sting less and you will see that this wasn't the guy for you. I think ex-partners often sense (or find out) the person is finally moving on and so they reappear in their life, or maybe he has some unresolved issues with other people in his life (e.g. friends who are more than friends etc and who started being more open about their feelings once they realized he is now dating). I am not sure if it would help the author of this topic to imagine the worst possible explanation for his actions, like your biggest fear in relation to it, and then making peace with it. And it's probably not that reason anyway. In any case it's better that it happened sooner rather than later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KateS92 Posted June 23, 2022 Author Share Posted June 23, 2022 15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. How did you meet? How far apart are you? Have you been to his home? Is it possible he is married/in a relationship? It doesn't seem like anything you did anything wrong, so don't let that get to you. We met on a dating app, both live in the same city but different sides of it. I didn’t go to his place tho. I know he had a long term relationship but that supposedly ended 3 years ago… I even met some of his family in the short time we dated. So everything seemed legit! I guess I’ll never know for sure! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KateS92 Posted June 23, 2022 Author Share Posted June 23, 2022 2 hours ago, Pix said: I think ex-partners often sense (or find out) the person is finally moving on and so they reappear in their life, or maybe he has some unresolved issues with other people in his life (e.g. friends who are more than friends etc and who started being more open about their feelings once they realized he is now dating). I am not sure if it would help the author of this topic to imagine the worst possible explanation for his actions, like your biggest fear in relation to it, and then making peace with it. And it's probably not that reason anyway. In any case it's better that it happened sooner rather than later. 2 hours ago, Pix said: I think ex-partners often sense (or find out) the person is finally moving on and so they reappear in their life, or maybe he has some unresolved issues with other people in his life (e.g. friends who are more than friends etc and who started being more open about their feelings once they realized he is now dating). I am not sure if it would help the author of this topic to imagine the worst possible explanation for his actions, like your biggest fear in relation to it, and then making peace with it. And it's probably not that reason anyway. In any case it's better that it happened sooner rather than later. I know he had an ex who he was with for a while but they broke up a few years ago and he had supposedly been single eve since but I guess you never really know. I think if there was someone else it actually makes me a feel a little better because I have genuinely been thinking there is something really wrong with me by how he was towards me that morning! ah well onwards and upwards I guess! Link to post Share on other sites
Pix Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 12 minutes ago, KateS92 said: I know he had an ex who he was with for a while but they broke up a few years ago and he had supposedly been single eve since but I guess you never really know. I think if there was someone else it actually makes me a feel a little better because I have genuinely been thinking there is something really wrong with me by how he was towards me that morning! ah well onwards and upwards I guess! I think single people often have unresolved issues with others (as in undefined relations etc) which are hard to explain and mention when someone asks. If he thought there was anything wrong with you, I think he'd never even start dating you, I doubt it's something like that. I think he was preocuppied with something from his life. I had similar situations in the past and these guys (not all of them) would get in touch sooner or later, but if it was a strong and genuine connection I think they wouldn't leave me in the first place. On the other hand, a friend of mine had a situation where the guy disappeared on her in the initial dating phase, and they started talking again a couple of months later and now they are married. So I don't know.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KateS92 Posted June 23, 2022 Author Share Posted June 23, 2022 13 hours ago, Pix said: Hey, I am sorry this happened to you. I don't think it has anything to do with you, maybe his ex contacted him or he got scared or something like that. Based on my experience, he'll come around sooner or later. But I don't think his attitude is what you're looking for on the long run. 16 hours ago, stillafool said: Sorry to tell you this but I think it was the sex. He wasn't happy the first time you guys did it ;but thought it was because it was too soon so he thought he would wait it out, take you away and see if it was better. He didn't think it was better so he did it again and was disappointed, then tried again the 3rd time and then he knew he was wasting your time and his so he ended it. I'm sorry it's just a compatiblity issue and not you. Yeah I have thought of that as a possibility. To be honest I can openly admit the sex between us was not very good, but everything else was so good. Ive dated people where it’s been the other way round so I guess I thought maybe it’s something that would improve over time but I guess everyone has different priorities…. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 Just now, KateS92 said: To be honest I can openly admit the sex between us was not very good You dodged a bullet in more ways than one. It's very odd that you live in the same city and he got a hotel room rather than either of you having the other over for dinner for example. So many red flags. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 I seemed to get the impression that you were flippant and cavalier with him after the first date or weren’t too bothered if he came or went. You mention you did develop feelings over some time but did you carry over any of that later on? He made a lot of effort it seems driving to you. How far was the distance? You say hours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KateS92 Posted June 23, 2022 Author Share Posted June 23, 2022 23 minutes ago, glows said: I seemed to get the impression that you were flippant and cavalier with him after the first date or weren’t too bothered if he came or went. You mention you did develop feelings over some time but did you carry over any of that later on? He made a lot of effort it seems driving to you. How far was the distance? You say hours. I think I was more keen on taking things slower then he was, I hadn’t introduced him to anyone but I met some of his family but I was definitely keen to peruse something with him. yeah he drove to visit me one time when I was out of town so I felt that was quite a good effort on his part. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 (edited) 17 minutes ago, KateS92 said: I think I was more keen on taking things slower then he was, I hadn’t introduced him to anyone but I met some of his family but I was definitely keen to peruse something with him. yeah he drove to visit me one time when I was out of town so I felt that was quite a good effort on his part. And for good reason, it appears. I reread your first post again and you were dating for only six to eight weeks while he left you high and dry at a hotel, treating you awfully. You both hardly knew one another for very long and you were correct to trust your instincts moving slower. There are a lot of flighty and irrational or inconsiderate and disrespectful people out there. I’m sorry you ran into this person. I think he’s entitled to feeling however he feels but he shouldn’t have left you like that and then texted you after the fact. How much more ridiculous and immature can a person get. Edited June 23, 2022 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Pix Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 I think it's good he texted her afterwards and was kind, shows he does care in a way (not enough though). I thought the instagram story was a bit unusual considering it happened right after the weekend in the hotel. Makes me think it has something to do with his change in behavior, or maybe not, maybe it's something he usually does. Link to post Share on other sites
John Glasby Posted June 29, 2022 Share Posted June 29, 2022 On 6/23/2022 at 3:18 PM, KateS92 said: Yeah I have thought of that as a possibility. To be honest I can openly admit the sex between us was not very good, but everything else was so good. Ive dated people where it’s been the other way round so I guess I thought maybe it’s something that would improve over time but I guess everyone has different priorities…. I don't mean to sound nosy, but I wonder about this - the fact that you (and apparently he, as well) thought the sex wasn't very good. Why would you say it wasn't very good? Is it possible he was having some performance issues, and that rattled him and sent him making a hasty retreat? Just wondering if there's not something there that changed things for him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 29, 2022 Share Posted June 29, 2022 On 6/23/2022 at 8:18 AM, KateS92 said: Yeah I have thought of that as a possibility. To be honest I can openly admit the sex between us was not very good, but everything else was so good. Ive dated people where it’s been the other way round so I guess I thought maybe it’s something that would improve over time but I guess everyone has different priorities…. Well he did you a favor because if the sex wasn't very good to you it's doubtful it would have gotten better. Nothing is worse than being with an attractive man who is a dud in bed. As you said, onwards and upwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Johnjohnson2017 Posted June 29, 2022 Share Posted June 29, 2022 I think he might have been lukewarm from the beginning but decided to give it a shot anyway. You were lukewarm at the start too then developed feelings. He was hoping his feeling would get stronger but instead it subsided. He wasn't attracted to you enough to want to continue dating you. There's nothing wrong with you. You two were not a good match. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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