My wife doesn't appreciate me anymore

[Asyn]

I try my hardest but my wife doesn't appreciate me anymore 

Edited June 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Asyn]

I feel like I put all the effort in to the loving husband and wife part of the relationship. I also do lots of stuff for the kids, nearly all the cleaning and tidying, I make nearly every dinner, I work, do nursery and school runs, treat all of the family to nice surprises, love, care and support them all. I really do put every ounce of effort I have in to trying to make everyone happy. But my wife still constantly criticises everything I do, the way I do it (even though it is basically exactly the same way she does it) and I am desperate for this to end. I have never posted online about something like this but I am fed up and can't sleep, eat, think properly anymore. Last night I asked her why she keeps doing this and she said it was bcoz "I am a Mum. So thats what I do. I control people". This might be the turning point in my marriage. But I cannot cope without my kids. I love them more than myself and I need them in my life every day. Someone please help me 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Asyn said:

 I am desperate for this to end.  I cannot cope without my kids.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? How old are the children? Do you both work? How long has she been like this?

Do you want a divorce? If so consult an attorney for your options in the event of divorce. Otherwise see a therapist to discuss your distress and ask if marriage therapy could be an option

[Asyn]

Thanks for the response.

Married for 3.5 years. Been together for 10 years. 3 kids. 1 of mine from a previous relationship when I was young who lives with me. He is nearly 13. My others boys are 4 and 16 months. My wife works 3 days. I work 5. 9-5 jobs so we both do our bit each morning and night with the kids.

I don't want a divorce. I just want to feel appreciated again. There is like no love anymore and it never used to be like that. Every forum you look at says that you should take a look at yourself and your own shortcomings in the relationship but I can honestly hand on heart say that I try so hard for everyone. I try so hard that I regularly sacrifice my own health and well being to make everyone happy. I am not looking for a round of applause for that btw. I think that is my role as a father and husband to do so but it's hard to keep going when all I ever get back is criticism.

I have tried to speak to her about it. Sometimes calmly. Doesnt work. Sometimes it has been more argumentative. Doesn't work. So there is no way she would entertain going to a therapist. She is so stubborn about even the tiniest thing that it is so hard to get through to her

[Will am I]

I read in your post that you try to get your respect and appreciation by putting a lot of effort into helping around the house and serving your family. 

Those are great things to do, and women generally appreciate it if their men help with the house chores and cooking and children. But it's not everything a woman wants from her man.

 

Are you talking to your wife? Have you asked about her feelings? Do you connect emotionally during those conversations? Are there other things in your behaviour which she does not like and are you ignoring her feelings there? Nothing breaks a marriage like stubbornly keeping up a habit that your wife hates and ignoring her when she tries to indicate how it affects her.

Are you stepping from the "father" and "housekeeper" roles into the "man" role sometimes? For some women it can be a turn-off if their husband is always acting like a maid and never like a strong man.

[giotto]

Sounds like she's detached from the marriage. Just stop doing all the stuff you do around the house and for your wife and focus on the kids only... and yourself. See what happens. Since she is never happy, then she will have a real reason not to be... 🙂

[BaileyB]

Is she willing to go to marriage counselling? 

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, Asyn said:

Last night I asked her why she keeps doing this and she said it was bcoz "I am a Mum. So thats what I do. I control people".

I’m sure you know this, but that is a smug and arrogant answer. Perhaps, it was a deflection in that, she didn’t want to give you the real answer. Or perhaps, she is really this entitled. Either way, that answer would not be acceptable to me. 

[Will am I]

Indeed, it's a very evasive answer. Something said jokingly, but preventing her from giving the real answer.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Asyn said:

I just want to feel appreciated again. There is like no love anymore and it never used to be like that.

How is the affection/sex? How is the co-parenting relationship with your child's mother? Is there conflict? 

Does your wife look after your child in addition to an infant and a 16 mo. old? It sounds like you are both overwhelmed from childcare and household duties. 

Did you feel appreciated before the children came? Is she grumpy from childbirth? When was the relationship last good?

[heartwhole2]

If you're not willing to leave, then it appears you're stuck. She's made it clear that she is not going to change her side of things.

This is unfortunate because partners should want each other to be happy. If she's not concerned for your happiness, then she's demonstrating a lack of empathy. She probably doesn't realize that's what she's doing . . . she just perceives your unhappiness to be a criticism of herself and she doesn't want to face that. So she blames you and forces you to swallow your complaints instead.

I'd just say something like, "I'm not willing to continue the marriage as it is. I love you, and I believe in us, and I think we could be very happy together, but we need some help communicating better. I've set up a counseling appointment for us. If you're not willing to go, I am going to look into a separation. I just cannot live like this any longer."

She will become very frustrated that you are taking away her trump card. She will rage. But maybe, when she calms down . . . she'll decide that your marriage is worth the effort.

If she doesn't, then you have your answer about what she values more . . . your family or her defensiveness.

[vla1120]

I don't blame you for not wanting a divorce (I'll always vote to save a marriage), but you also deserve to be treated with a bit more respect. How often do the two of you have alone time or date nights? If she is not interested in going to marriage counseling with you, then you might have to do some research yourself. Do you know about the 5 love languages? (Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch) It sounds like you are performing a lot of "acts of service", but maybe that's not her love language, so she doesn't appreciate your efforts, which leaves you feeling the way you are.

This website has a love language quiz: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes

Would she take the time to sit down with you and do the quiz together? If not, maybe you can do the quiz and show her evidence of what your love language is, and how she can better communicate with you so that you do not feel so unappreciated. The first thing she needs to do is step out of her "mum" role and treat you like her partner instead of unduly criticizing all of your efforts. Aside from that, maybe the two of you need a little more quality time together without the kids. 

If all of THAT doesn't work, stop helping so much around the house. When she criticizes you, just tell her you decided to stop putting in so much effort since she doesn't appreciate you.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you might be confusing working hard with paying attention to your wife. A romantic relationship is not about doing laundry and cooking. 

Working hard with the kids and chores and meals--all of that is great. But that work does NOT sustain intimacy in a marriage. You and your wife need time to hug and cuddle and flirt and touch each other and kiss each other on the cheek and forehead--and hopefully more!

You are describing the "business partner" element of a marriage. You need to add the intimacy "romantic relationship" part of a marriage. 

People are not attracted to us because we clean their room and do their laundry. If that were the case, then all kings and rich people would be married to maids and laundry workers. Yes, you have to do that work in a marriage. But that is not sufficient for a marriage. Tired and busy as you are, you have to find moments to cultivate romance and connection, play, fun, attention. 

You're describing your effort like a good laborer, who deserves maybe a tip and a good review on google. But the work you mention is not part of romance. I got to get blunt here: what happened to your romantic energy? And your sexual energy? Sounds like you're almost running from romantic-sexual energy, using all the household chores to distract yourself. 

 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

 

If you're not willing to leave, then it appears you're stuck. She's made it clear that she is not going to change her side of things.

 

Yup!

She has lost respect for you and the only way she will respect you may just be if/when you actually walk away. That may be what it takes for her to reconsider her position. 

As heartwhole says, she’s not going to like it and much like a child throwing a tantrum - it will get worse before it gets better. She will rage in an attempt to manipulate and intimidate you. It is a test and see if you are serious or if you will back down (and life will return to normal where she is in control and able to take all her frustrations out on you!). 

Here’s the thing when someone is being unreasonable - you can’t reason with them. You have been trying to negotiate and essentially relying on her sense of fairness, kindness, and empathy  - and that’s not working. You don’t have a partner here, not anymore. She doesn’t care how helpful you are with the children or how much you do around the home - if you do “more,” it will not matter. She’s already demonstrated that.

The only person you control in this situation is you. You can not force her to respect you and treat you with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, bullies respond only to strength. When you stand up for yourself - by withdrawing from this power struggle - that’s how you get her attention. And then, she decides whether to reconsider and soften her position to keep her marriage and family intact - or she doesn’t. Either way, you will be for the better. 

 

 

Edited June 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

I agree with Bailey, walk away.  I imagine your oldest son will live with you and you can still see your other 2 sons on a daily basis.  If you don't make a drastic move she will continue to disrespect you..  It won't magically get better.  She's too sure of you.  Walk out and give her a scare.  I know you probably will not do this; but it will work if you get the courage.