Nnakc Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 I have been with my husband for 25 years and married for 22. A month ago he said he was unhappy and didn’t know what he wanted to do. He left to clear his head. He told me he has been unhappy for 15 years and only stayed for the kids. I am beyond devastated I didn’t see this coming at all and I thought he loved me and I definitely love him. Yesterday in counseling he said I don’t think I love you anymore. He still hasn’t decided what he wants to do. Right now the kids and I are in limbo because he hasn’t decided if he wants to stay and work on it or divorce me. I am so lost. How can someone say they don’t think they love you anymore and have been unhappy for 15 years not knowing what they want? Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 15 years is a long time. Either you must have missed a lot of signals, or there is something else going on and the "15 years unhappy" story is only a reconstructed story to cover that up. Signals that a man is not happy can be very different things. Increased drinking of alcohol, grumpy moods, not being able to reach him as well, hiding in long work hours, spending a lot of social time in front of the TV or on his phone, not really talking to you, questioning his health and fitness, wanting to change his appearance, etc als all possible signals. The alternative theory is that he has fallen in love with someone else. He could be in an affair but it's also possiblethat nothing real has happened yet. But in the scenario that your husband has fallen in love with someone else, the 15 years of unhappiness serves to rationalize and defend this, if only for himself. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's good that the two of you are in therapy. He has been out of the home for a month? Where is he staying? In that month, have you picked up on any clues about whether there might be someone else involved? If he continues to string you along, unable to make a decision, one thing you can do is a complete 180 and have no contact with him unless it involves the children or resolving household obligations. If there is someone else, he might be trying to keep you on the back burner as a soft place to land if his other relationship does not work out. I know doing a 180 may seem extreme, but it's also not fair for him to string you along with indecisiveness. Meanwhile, keep talking to the therapist and seek your own individual therapy to help you, if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 1 hour ago, Nnakc said: He left to clear his head. Yesterday in counseling he said I don’t think I love you anymore. he hasn’t decided if he wants to stay and work on it or divorce me. Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do you both work? Are the kids still at home/under 18? Be proactive and get your ducks in a row. Consult an attorney about your options in divorce and him abandoning the marriage/marital home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nnakc Posted June 23, 2022 Author Share Posted June 23, 2022 A lot of good advice and insight thank you to you all! He is 43 I have been a stay at home mom for 21 years and he has made all of the money for us. He did have an affair about 10 years ago and it lasted a year and a half. We worked through that and I thought things were better. He told the kids and that there is not anyone else right now. Our kids are 21,18 and 17 so old enough to understand what is going on. He has been staying at his parents house and has left me to deal with the kids feelings and everything around the house. I just got a job with very low pay because I have not worked in close to 22 years. In our area my job won’t even pay the rent. The state we live in he does not have to pay alimony but it can be awarded to me if the judge sees fit. I am so lost on what to do. Part of me wants to tell him fine it’s done but it’s not what I really want. I want to fight for our marriage but I don’t think it will work if I’m the only fighting. It is tearing me up watching our kids going through this he doesn’t have to deal with their broken hearts or mine and that makes me mad in itself. Any advice or comments are hugely appreciated I just need people to talk to right now. Thank you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 Please don’t beg him to stay. No one should beg anyone to be a loving partner. he’s been done for a long while. I’d get the marriage ended so you can find a man who will really really love and respect you. He’s not that guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 (edited) A couple of thoughts: Be assured that the kids will be fine. Of course you see them hurting, but hurting does not mean they're falling apart and won't bounce back. I know many teenagers with divorced parents and generally they're just fine. The only exception being when their parents are fighting all the time and setting the kids up against the other ex-spouse. The affair 10 years back is a strong indication that indeed he wasn;t happy back then. What has changed after the affair that would have made him happier? If the marriage kind of fell back into the same old patterns, it's not unexpected that he'd fall back into unhappiness. 43, tells me "midlife crisis". A word that is often frowned upon, people tend to see it as ridiculous, grown men acting like big kids. But there is another, more positive frame. Around 40 we start overseeing the arc of life. Getting a clearer picture of where we are and what the future would look like. In younger years we can be accepting a situation one day at the time; around this age we tend to look forward and make decisions based on the long term. This could be one of those. You will be fine too. I know you're probably not open to hearing this, but later the words may be valuable. Your kids are practically grown up, which makes it much easier for you to fit into a new relationship (compound families are hard). There will be new love for you. Edited June 24, 2022 by Will am I 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 Maybe he never recovered from his affair and now the kids are much older he is thinking it's time for him to go. But I wouldn't be surprised if he is hiding another affair. Sorry. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 I too think there's another woman waiting in the wings somewhere. OP, don't beg him to stay, open the door and let him go. Marriage counseling can't make him fall back in love with you. If you really want to fight for him do it in silence by letting him feel what life will be like without you in it. Since your children are all legally adults except for the 17 year old, he will only have to pay child support for 1. I don't know about spousal support in your state. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 22 hours ago, Nnakc said: I have been a stay at home mom for 21 years and he has made all of the money for us. Do you think there was some animosity (on his part) that you didn't work?? Did you have arguments about money?? Did you two start any retirement planning or long term savings (outside of college funds for the kids)?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nnakc Posted June 24, 2022 Author Share Posted June 24, 2022 I have never thought about it that way. We always agreed that I would stay home to raise the kids because we didn’t want them in daycare. We constantly would argue about money I was the one to do the household budget and recently he told me that he doesn’t get to spend his money the way he wants because I “control” it. In my eyes I was just letting him know if we could afford it or not. I meant nothing bad when I would tell him but after he told me that I saw it from his side. We were not in the position to start a retirement plan until recently I think he started it but I don’t know. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 1 hour ago, Nnakc said: We constantly would argue about money I was the one to do the household budget and recently he told me that he doesn’t get to spend his money the way he wants because I “control” it. The only reason I bring this up is because a close friend of mine (male) confided in me about his stay at home wife/mother of his children in regards to her not contributing (financially) to the household budget. He told me he felt like a human ATM machine and although they agreed she would stay home with the kids, he felt she could have gotten a part time job at night (when he got home from work) on the weekends or during the day when the kids were in school. Again, these were HIS words as he was confiding in me about his marriage. He was also upset that they were unable to put any money in retirement savings. He felt like the more he made, the more she spent and nothing ever made it to savings. His opinion was that she should have tried to work somewhere part time and that money could have gone into a retirement IRA or some type of long term savings. My friend held in a lot of animosity and anger about this subject. Have finances or you not working crept into any of your counseling sessions?? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nnakc Posted June 24, 2022 Author Share Posted June 24, 2022 I appreciate your point of view. I always thought we were on the same page with it all. A few months ago he made a comment that he was only a paycheck to us. I of course immediately told him we didn’t feel that way. I think you might be right that he is feeling this way. I got a job that I start next week so hopefully if that is something that is bothering him it will help. Thank you for giving me something to think about! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 1 hour ago, Nnakc said: I have never thought about it that way. We always agreed that I would stay home to raise the kids because we didn’t want them in daycare. We constantly would argue about money I was the one to do the household budget and recently he told me that he doesn’t get to spend his money the way he wants An agreement is an agreement. If you chose to be a SAHM doing all the childcare and household stuff, then that's not the issue or why he walked out. He had an affair previously and it sounds like his latest (or same mistress) gave him an ultimatum. That's why he is at his parents house right now. Please consult and attorney. Bickering about money is common. But that's not why people have affairs or talk divorce (which will cost him dearly). Discontinue marriage therapy and start individual therapy so you can clear your mind and do what is best for you. An estranged husband who sits in marriage therapy telling you he doesn't love you and who has already checked out and walked out is not productive and certainly not in your or your children's best interest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 2 minutes ago, Nnakc said: A few months ago he made a comment that he was only a paycheck to us. That is very telling and quite important. 1 hour ago, Nnakc said: I was the one to do the household budget... I was just letting him know if we could afford it or not. I meant nothing bad when I would tell him... I didn't want to insinuate that you did anything bad or budgeted poorly. I try to help people that have difficulty budgeting and making ends meet. The first line item on every budget I do (for myself and others) is 20% into long term savings or retirement, then the rest of the money is allocated for expenses. If that means no cable TV, so be it... if it means you have to drive an old car or an econo-box, so be it. Most people have a tendency to spend to the wall and not work harder to put money into savings/retirement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 On 6/23/2022 at 1:15 PM, Nnakc said: He is 43 I have been a stay at home mom for 21 years and he has made all of the money for us. Our kids are 21,18 and 17 What have you been doing for the last ~5 years or so, when the kids were old enough not to need a fulltime parent at home? Do you think this is part of what has made him unhappy? As for spousal support (aka alimony) a good lawyer may be able to get you money for retraining (college, trade, etc.) so that you can enter the workforce with skills, but there is no reason to think you will get ongoing alimony unless there is a reason you did not work for 21 years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nnakc Posted June 24, 2022 Author Share Posted June 24, 2022 I actually had a job at my kids school for 4 years about 4 years ago my husband decided he wanted me to be done working again. He was proud to say he retired me. He talks about that all the time. He makes very good money now so money is no longer an issue. He only recently brought any of it up to me ( within the last couple of months) I asked him if he needed me to get a job and he said only if I wanted to. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 I'm sorry OP. That's a lot to be thrown on you suddenly. Have you ever read about "doing the 180"? I know it's specifically for when partners are in affairs, but this sounds like he's similarly checked out. I would start detaching and stop putting emotional energy into your relationship with him. This is for your own healing and protection, but it also shows him what life is like without you being his fallback. If anything will make him reconsider, it would be a glimpse of not having you as an option. Also, why does he get to be away from the kids 100% of the time? Can you alternate who is in the home with the kids until you figure out if you're officially separating? How long have you been in counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 1 minute ago, Nnakc said: I actually had a job at my kids school for 4 years about 4 years ago my husband decided he wanted me to be done working again. He was proud to say he retired me. He talks about that all the time. He makes very good money now so money is no longer an issue. He only recently brought any of it up to me ( within the last couple of months) I asked him if he needed me to get a job and he said only if I wanted to. Well that's very different than what he's saying now. It's odd. I know it's a cliche but is he having a mid life crisis? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nnakc Posted June 24, 2022 Author Share Posted June 24, 2022 As far as the mid life crisis goes I believe he is. Our counselor brought it up to him this week. He thinks that my husband is having one as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nnakc Posted June 24, 2022 Author Share Posted June 24, 2022 He decided I would stay with the kids and dogs and that he would leave. I offered to go. We were in counseling about a year ago and our counselor told us that we were good and “fixed” so we stopped going and only went back last week. We have another appointment in 2 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 3 hours ago, Nnakc said: We constantly would argue about money 1 hour ago, Nnakc said: A few months ago he made a comment that he was only a paycheck to us. 58 minutes ago, Nnakc said: He makes very good money now so money is no longer an issue. He only recently brought any of it up to me ( within the last couple of months) I asked him if he needed me to get a job and he said only if I wanted to. I am still leaning towards money as a major issue and how this husband/father views himself in the family. Perhaps further discussion about this subject would be advisable with your marriage counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 Well I’m suspecting another affair. I am sure you are as well. I am sorry this is happening to you. If he has been “unhappy for 15 years” (please!), and you had no idea, then that’s not your fault. He should’ve brought it up at some point. That’s ridiculous. He’s using this as an easy excuse to get out. At the same time, no matter the real reasons (which more often than not are kept from the significant other), I’ve always been of the opinion that it’s a mistake to “keep a traveler from traveling”. You can’t really change his mind. All you can do is to let him do his thing and make a good life for yourself. He may want back a few months from now, and by then you may be over him. You probably will be 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 (edited) 6 hours ago, Nnakc said: We always agreed that I would stay home to raise the kids because we didn’t want them in daycare. All good except your children are now young adults. At what point do you reevaluate the plan? Not saying this in judgment of you - if your husband had a problem with the division of labour or the management of finances, he has a responsibility to speak up. At the very least, it would seem that he has been avoiding the hard conversations for a really long time… At worse, there is another woman in this story. I too think there must be someone else. A man doesn’t just leave his family and divide all his hard earned assets for no reason… I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Personally, I would probably file for divorce. You forgave his discretion once, I don’t think I could find it within myself to deal with the pain and disappointment again. I know that it’s hard because you built a life together and you have children… But, if he told me he wanted out, I think I would help him to pack his bags… Edited June 24, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SingFish Posted June 25, 2022 Share Posted June 25, 2022 11 hours ago, Nnakc said: I got a job that I start next week so hopefully if that is something that is bothering him it will help. Do this for you not to appease whatever is going on with him. 10 hours ago, Nnakc said: He decided I would stay with the kids and dogs and that he would leave. I offered to go. Have you asked him if there's someone else? I am sorry this is happening to you, it's horrible especially since you'd recovered trust in him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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