My sister and her life choices are causing me stress.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/28/2022 at 10:09 AM, SingFish said:

The way to influence her isn't to judge and turn their backs. We've all done something terrible and had to return to our family/friends subdued...hopefully to be loved and helped.

Loved and helped, sure. 

Enabled to self-destruct and neglect her kids, no. 

Edited June 30, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Will am I]

On 6/23/2022 at 9:33 PM, Jessica_W_1998 said:

 

I’m 24, the middle child. My older sister is 29, and we have a younger sister who is 19. This concerns my older sister and some of the choices she’s made in the last year or so.

Around February of last year my sister confided in me that she was cheating on her husband with a coworker. I was really upset with her but for some reason she thought I’d be ok with what she was up to?

 

Sorry, I only bumped into your message now.

My perspective: she confided in you because the desperately needed to talk to someone and get her secret off her chest.

Try to respond from that place of love and compassion. Of course you have your moral principles and your concerns about the impact on her marriage and the effects on your extended family. Try to keep those private.

Reach out to your sister. Create that safe place for sharing.

 

[Jessica_W_1998]

10 hours ago, siren8272 said:

Quote

Mom and Dad need to worry about their own marriage and make sure the other is cheating.

 

They COULD have stayed out of it if she didn’t move into their house. But she did. And the thought of either of my parents cheating on the other is laughable if you knew them.

You say I don’t support my sister but you’re wrong. I wish she’d wake up and see the mess she’s making of her life before it’s too late. She’s going to wake up one day and realize she doesn’t have custody of her daughters and there nothing worse I can think of than that.

[mark clemson]

I'm confused. You keep mentioning custody as if this is a foregone conclusion. Are you a lawyer practicing in your jurisdiction?

Most US states have no fault divorces. Only a few let affairs impact divorce settlements and I suspect custody is even less impacted.

Do you happen to live in one these few jurisdictions?  Even if you do there would have to be court-admissible evidence of the affair, and FULL loss of custody would likely take a lot more than that in many areas.

Perhaps you have perfectly accurate reasons to predict this, but I guess I'm wondering why/how you think you know the custody outcome here. I don't think even an experienced family attorney would be likely to be making this prediction, at least not in most of the US.

[Will am I]

What I've heard is that a limited number of states accept adultery as a legal argument in divorce trials. But I only heard it mention as an exclusion ground for spousal supportpayments (i.e. if you cheated, you're can't receive spousal alimony). Never did I hear anything that this could somehow impact custody or visitation. Unless you're talking about extreme cases where the sense of responsibility and fitness as a parent are in question. I don't think an affair qualifies for that,

[Jessica_W_1998]

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I'm confused. You keep mentioning custody as if this is a foregone conclusion. Are you a lawyer practicing in your jurisdiction?

Most US states have no fault divorces. Only a few let affairs impact divorce settlements and I suspect custody is even less impacted.

Do you happen to live in one these few jurisdictions?  Even if you do there would have to be court-admissible evidence of the affair, and FULL loss of custody would likely take a lot more than that in many areas.

Perhaps you have perfectly accurate reasons to predict this, but I guess I'm wondering why/how you think you know the custody outcome here. I don't think even an experienced family attorney would be likely to be making this prediction, at least not in most of the US.

I’m thinking she’s going to let him have full custody because she acts like she does t want the girls around when she had them. She already lets him have them all week and barely sees them on the weekends. []

I have no experience with these sort of things and just assume if he wants full custody and she doesn’t dispute it the court would give him custody. She already told me and my mother that she hopes he asks for full custody.

Edited July 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed legal question

[stillafool]

My cousin gave her ex husband full custody of her daughter and she only saw her maybe 4 times a year.  He did a good job because she grew up to be a lovely girl.  I asked her once didn't she feel bad about it and she said "No, why should I, men do this all the time, she's as much his responsibility as she is mine."

[Jessica_W_1998]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

My cousin gave her ex husband full custody of her daughter and she only saw her maybe 4 times a year.  He did a good job because she grew up to be a lovely girl.  I asked her once didn't she feel bad about it and she said "No, why should I, men do this all the time, she's as much his responsibility as she is mine."

Maybe my sister will feel that way? But my god if you saw how beautiful my nieces are you would be able to imagine not wanting them in your life. It makes me want to cry thinking this might happen.

Edited June 30, 2022 by Jessica_W_1998

[Alpacalia]

It is not clear to me why you would want to get involved in the details of their legal battles?

It is possible to be supportive of your family members and still remain out of their matters.

[Jessica_W_1998]

43 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It is not clear to me why you would want to get involved in the details of their legal battles?

It is possible to be supportive of your family members and still remain out of their matters.

I never said I was involved in her legal battles.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

I never said I was involved in her legal battles.

Okay.

It's painful to watch someone suffer while you love them deeply, so it's only natural that you want to ease her pain.

There is no doubt it seems like your sister has caused all of this chaos, however, you may not realize that you are both a part of this same dance. Perhaps you think it is in her best interests if you drop everything to help her. Your sister is certainly capable of implementing your advice. The most loving thing you can do is to treat her as the capable person she is by letting her handle her crisis. 

Share with her what you think about therapy and then concentrate on your own life so that your sister and her life choices aren't causing you so much stress.

Edited June 30, 2022 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

Maybe my sister will feel that way? But my god if you saw how beautiful my nieces are you would be able to imagine not wanting them in your life. It makes me want to cry thinking this might happen.

We're much older than you guys and her daughter is grown now and they have a great relationship.  I suppose Dads who don't live with their kids miss them just as much in most cases; but unfortunately someone is going to get less parenting time.   Women who are in the Service leave their kids with their husbands/mate all the time and go off to serve their country so it's really not that rare anymore.

[Jessica_W_1998]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Okay.

It's painful to watch someone suffer while you love them deeply, so it's only natural that you want to ease her pain.

There is no doubt it seems like your sister has caused all of this chaos, however, you may not realize that you are both a part of this same dance. Perhaps you think it is in her best interests if you drop everything to help her. Your sister is certainly capable of implementing your advice. The most loving thing you can do is to treat her as the capable person she is by letting her handle her crisis. 

Share with her what you think about therapy and then concentrate on your own life so that your sister and her life choices aren't causing you so much stress.

Yes. Right now I am of the mind that I can’t keep letting this stress me out. I finally am working in a career I love but I am working a lot of hours at it, plus I have I guess you could call it an interesting situationship with a guy I am really starting to fall hard for but well that’s a story for a different forum. So I have a lot on my plate personally and I’m here for her is she needs me but I can’t let her careening toward disaster cause me to keep losing sleep.

Edited July 1, 2022 by Jessica_W_1998

[Gaeta]

19 hours ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

I’m thinking she’s going to let him have full custody because she acts like she does t want the girls around when she had them. She already lets him have them all week and barely sees them on the weekends. []

I have no experience with these sort of things and just assume if he wants full custody and she doesn’t dispute it the court would give him custody. She already told me and my mother that she hopes he asks for full custody.

And it sounds like the girls would be better living with their father. Keep in mind what is best for them under the current circomstances. Always have the children's interest at heart, even over your sibbling. Hopefully down the road your sister will get her life on track and be interested in being a mother again. Meanwhile, even if the kids live with their father, you continue having a relationship with those girls. 

[Alpacalia]

23 hours ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

Yes. Right now I am of the mind that I can’t keep letting this stress me out. I finally am working in a career I love but I am working a lot of hours at it, plus I have I guess you could call it an interesting situationship with a guy I am really starting to fall hard for but well that’s a story for a different forum. So I have a lot on my plate personally and I’m here for her is she needs me but I can’t let her careening toward disaster cause me to keep losing sleep.

You are absolutely right. You can't let her careening toward disaster cause you to lose sleep.

It's not easy. Having experience something very similar with my sister, I felt like I was losing my mind and no one was there to support me, however in the end I realized that I cannot save her and I also cannot let this take me down.

I feel sometimes we revert to our childhood roles as adults without realizing it, even if those roles are no longer appropriate. Growing up, your sister may have needed protection from you (not sure if that's the case or not), but that is true for you as well right now. The difference today is that you're understanding this second part: that you have to protect yourself, too.

You're a loving sister and aunt. Love those kids because they're going through a really tricky and difficult time right now. Having video calls or writing handwritten notes if you cannot see them or cannot spend much time together is always nice.

There is your career and a new man to focus on (which sounds exciting, by the way 🙂). 

 

 

[Jessica_W_1998]

15 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

There is your career and a new man to focus on (which sounds exciting, by the way 🙂). 

Yes I am finally working in a career I always wanted to be in and this guy, well we’re friends buuut I feel like it’s turning  into more than that. 

[Alpacalia]

On 7/2/2022 at 10:01 AM, Jessica_W_1998 said:

Yes I am finally working in a career I always wanted to be in and this guy, well we’re friends buuut I feel like it’s turning  into more than that. 

That's wonderful to hear, Jessica_W_1998.

Oh, juicy. Sounds intriguing!

Edited July 5, 2022 by Alpacalia